Ethical non monogamy

[Lo****]

So my wife and I had a split before getting back together and opening the marriage just this month. Come on and see her profile in my feed, and it was made three mo ths ago.

To anyone who is in ethical non monogamy/ poly relationships, should this be a red flag to Me, cause it feels like a red flag. At the time of the split she told me she was looking for friends, but her profile says bdsm lovers.

[Li****]

Run.

[Ac****]

If you’re actually okay with this dynamic and you’re not just doing it out of desperation, then i would suggest marriage counseling or couples therapy, they are both different things with different goals.

[Mo****]

With most ethical non-monogamy or poly the core is transparency in open communication and trust as well with boundaries so with that said there’s something things you might want to talk to her about and it may work out if it doesn’t you may have to end the relationship or the dynamic. I’m not poly or in an ethical non monogamous but what I learned from others who are that’s what it is and some really do work out

[ClifC]

Yeah, man, it's a red flag. Without more context it's hard to say how severe but at the very least it sounds like she's not being honest with you. If you're willing, find someone who specializes in couples therapy and go together. Know that she probably has wants and needs she's not been comfortable sharing in the past and no matter how it goes it'll never go back to what it was

[Ae****]

Use it as evidence in the divorce proceedings cause that's what's coming your way bud. Getting back together and opening the marriage never works.
Never.

[Ne****]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. None of that is ENM or Polyam [based on honest transparency, mutual Respect, open communication BEFORE ANY ACTIONS or words involving any others are taken/spoken.] ❤️‍🩹
I second the advice of getting professional assistance, mediation and such, preferably someone versed in BDSM dynamics & ENM, Polyamorous relationships.

[So****]

Trust your gut

[ey****]

I trust you weren't open before you split - in which case any reason she gives you as valid

a question then is how long was the split?

What she was doing 3 months ago when you weren't in a relationship together is none of your concern.

if you are now re-entering a relationship with her on non-monogamous terms then you need to be on board with the terms - here's the issue, some people who are monogamous agree to non-mono to try to "save" something they've already lost. You're going to have to make sure this is for you and accept she will have other partners doing other things.   You don't have to be in a relationship with her.

 

[Ae****]

No man is ever as successful as their wife in opening the marriage. Facts.

[Sa****]

2 hours ago, Aeclypsa said:

No man is ever as successful as their wife in opening the marriage. Facts.

That's how I stole my current partner from her now ex husband

[Sl****]

I didn’t see her profile. Being that you have a kid there’s far more at stake for your household. I hope that she is more emotionally invested in you than in her kinks. You seem that way. There are therapists who specialize in ENM / kink dynamics who can help but only when both partners are invested in each other.
But both adults need to approach each other with respect while avoiding accusatory emotions. I really want what’s best for all of you.

[no****]

I've been Poly for 10 years now, and speaking from a lot of experience, I'd say this is a red flag but not grounds for a big fight - you should talk to her about it. What was her headspace at the time? Be understanding not confrontational. It's likely it was a classic freedom overreacting, biting off more than she even intended. Just talk.

[li****]

It's unclear to me what the rules of the relationship were during the split. But I'm not optimistic that somebody can save a marriage that started being monogamous by opening the relationship.

[Ga****]

So what were the boundaries and rules discussed when it was decided to be open? Let's be real women will ALWAYS have it easier on any type of site that is dating of any kind. But without knowing the rules and boundaries set I don't see what she is doing as wrong. You opened up the relationship and she is obviously following on a path she feels she needs which is what you should also be doing. If the shoe was on the other foot would you be viewing it as red flag? Or would you be viewing it as the intended purpose for opening up your marriage?

[Daddybrains]

The rules that matter are the ones you and your wife make together. Betrayal is, breaking those rules. Implicit rules aren’t rules.

Consider not worrying about what other people think is a red flag. Do YOU trust HER?

[li****]

Let me get it straight you have only opened the relationship in the last month and the profile was made three months would certainly be a red flag unless of course it was made in the time frame of the break

[Ga****]

There are a lot of blank spots in the story. If the profile was made 3 months ago you were clearly aware because you said she had it listed as looking for friends when she made it and only recently did she change it to looking for BDSM lovers. I stand by what I said above because like I said without all the information of what rules and boundaries were set and you clearly aware of her having this profile previously without issue till she changed what she was looking for I honestly don't see her in the wrong here. Obviously a lack of communication is here for both parties but as I stated above she is clearly following feelings and a path she wants to explore and couldn't beforehand which is also what you should be doing.

[Lo****]

It depends what you consider cheating. Even in my monogamous relationships, I never considered exchanging pictures or looking at porn to be cheating.

[Mr****]

I don’t really think people are looking for friends on this app

[Brat_Dad_E]

As someone with a similar explanation - huge red flag. Ultimately led to our division

[At****]

Sleeping with someone else isn’t cheating. Betraying trust is. She can be as open and friendly as you’re both comfortable with. But if the intent is to have an open relationship and play with friends. There’s zero reason to lie about your adult activity.

That’s why I’d call it a red flag. If you’re open why not just tell you yeah I’m looking for kinky chats and pics n stuff? Or whatever. If you weren’t cool with that then you guys could have a talk about it.