No Aftercare

[Li****]

As someone who was once in your shoes and starting down this journey, I completely understand. I would love to chat with you and maybe we can learn from each other.
Please feel free to message me.

[OU****]

That’s definitely a problem from my perspective as I think after care is essential to any play date

[pr****]

The fact that no one has ever cuddled you or showered with and washed you afterwards genuinely makes me sad

[sp****]

That would make sense. Aftercare has a two fold purpose in healing physically but also emotionally

[Yi****]

It's a common complaint that many men do not like to cuddle after sex. They are either losers, or good partners but perhaps insensitive or drained after ejaculation. they roll over and go to sleep. So talk to potential partners about what you need (aftercare, communication, honesty, single , chocolate ice cream, or whatever . You need some mystery about your ultimate fantasies, or some guys will mirror you and say "l love that too" when they say it just to impress you into the bedroom.

[wb****]

GhostPprincess when you say you’ve never received after care what do you consider aftercare?

Do you mean none of your previous partners paid any attention after you were done? As in they just rolled over, or left.

I’m going to assume your previous partner were vanilla only because you said you’re new to BDSM. In my previous vanilla experiences “aftercare” amounted to me going to lay / cuddle next to my partner. If I was really lucky they got me a towel, most of the time not. I would not consider me cuddling up to them as aftercare for me, or the rare times I was tossed a towel. There are some who will say yes that is aftercare, to them that is. We all have different ideas and expectations of what aftercare is.

Even within this community I find it difficult to receive much more than with my previous partners. However I am EXTREMELY bad at expressing myself. That comes from how I was raised though, and is something I’m actively working on.

[ki****]

You just need a right person to take care of you very well.

[Do****]

Hi... if you've never received anything you could call 'caring' or 'kind' afterwards, that says a lot about them and not about you.
Compassion costs nothing. Nor does respect. Find better people 😎

[Deleted Member]

May I ask have you ever asked for care afterwards from a partner??

[ki****]

Sad

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for all the advice. To clear things up : I have asked for aftercare multiple times (specifically cuddling and some time laying down, being reassured, etc) and was told that that's fine and would be done. After that conversation, the person left me alone multiple times and did nothing I asked for prior to that. When I confronted them, they got angry, accusing me of having too high standards. Safe to say it didn't last long after that. However now, I'm scared that this will happen with another person who says they're going to do it but then not actually do it. Not sure where to go from here 

Edited March 3 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

Sorry to hear that. :(

[Br****]

21 minutes ago, ghostprlncess said:

Thank you for all the advice. To clear things up : I have asked for aftercare multiple times (specifically cuddling and some time laying down, being reassured, etc) and was told that that's fine and would be done. After that conversation, the person left me alone multiple times and did nothing I asked for prior to that. When I confronted them, they got angry, accusing me of having too high standards. Safe to say it didn't last long after that. However now, I'm scared that this will happen with another person who says they're going to do it but then not actually do it

Hi
That *** is normal, because you give so much and receive nothing in return. That's a failure, and it's scary, but it will help you grow and learn to separate the wheat from the chaff. 

[ey****]

2 hours ago, ghostprlncess said:

Thank you for all the advice. To clear things up : I have asked for aftercare multiple times (specifically cuddling and some time laying down, being reassured, etc) and was told that that's fine and would be done. After that conversation, the person left me alone multiple times and did nothing I asked for prior to that. When I confronted them, they got angry, accusing me of having too high standards. Safe to say it didn't last long after that. However now, I'm scared that this will happen with another person who says they're going to do it but then not actually do it. Not sure where to go from here 

yep - so - you've done your bit on communication and that the other person has by choice ignored this, then got angry is negative on their part

and your f@ars are rationale.

It'd be difficult to try to reassure - most folk should know and understand aftercare so offer it, especially when discussed - but I understand why it might not feel that way.

So... this sucks and unfortunately, yep, in the future there will be play and it definitely should be included in the discussions but you won't know the follow through until it happens - although I'd like to think most people would follow through

[St****]

I feel sorry for you. I think you had allways the wrong playpartner. Aftercare is a absolute must not sometimes, not perhaps, allways. And this is not only for playdates, even vanilla sex needs aftercare. Come together is for me like a race, prepare-go as hell-aftercare. When you forgot it before the run, it may not work properly and the aftercare protects from problems/costs and is preparing for the next race, with a human it is nearly the same, prepare it for a good time - have fun- and aftercare, it sets emotions/boundaries deep and the wish to do it again with you. 🤷‍♂️ I would never race without prepation, and would never shut the engine off while hot and with superchargers hat 200.000rpm, why should I treat a human otherwise?

[Ro****]

When I wandered i to this kinky side of the world so long ago, it was a vague idea in my head then, too. Have conversations with people you meet. If they're not willing and it's something you want or if the words don't match their action, later, move on. There is plenty who will. Part of it is also figuring out what aftercare looks like to you.

[Sq****]

The fact it has to be labeled is sad. It's something I've always done before I ever knew it was a topic, it isn't a checkbox on a list. It has to be just to remind people there is a minimal amount you should do. Disappointing but unsurprising. Humans will be humans.

[ar****]

I believe no aftercare = no care period.

[sw****]

best way is to just bring it up when talking to someone, i find if you remind somebody it exists it does help. you just need to find the right person who actually helps you feel sexy and confident rather than nothing but a sex toy (but in a bad way)

[si****]

I am new here. Based on some of my readings. I understand that people engage in certain types actions/pleasures.

Disappointing to read that some are only there for a certain action/engagement. ie. Some are not there for social interaction.

It is difficult for me to think people do not spend time before and after. Show some gratitude for coming together ( for whatever type of encounter).
After all these are social engagements. Be nice to your partners. ( is that so difficult ?)

[Ha****]

What attracted me to the lifestyle in the first place? Was the emphasis on self-discovery and healing. Another thing that I found almost equal in importants is vetting our potential plamates.

We have to know and understand our wants or needs and be able to communicate that, for this lifestyle to work for you or anyone. These simple things.

We have to stop making assumptions about people, If their actions are not lining up with their words, it's time to step back. GOOD LUCK...

[br****]

What the f**k is "after care"? Like no joke all i seem to ever be is a toy for my partner u.u i really dislike being trans

[Ba****]

4 hours ago, brokenpuzzlebox1 said:

What the f**k is "after care"? Like no joke all i seem to ever be is a toy for my partner u.u i really dislike being trans

Aftercare is the time you use to get back to „normal“ so basically everything from cuddles after sex to applying some sort of anti-inflammatory ointment after a intense bondage or punishment scene is generally considered to be part of it

It’s mainly to deepen connection and mitigate any negative, potentially longterm, consequences

Basically if we use pottery as analogy then foreplay is glazing, sex is glaze firing and aftercare is letting it cool down in the kiln to prevent it from cracking in the cold outside air

Skipping this part is probably the most common reason why quite a few too many women just feel used after sex(and not in the good way)

Ps i don’t know you enough to say this confidently but i would assume that if „being trans“ was the problem then that would disqualify you from being used as a toy
Best case your partner just doesn’t know better and if they do then you may wanna look for one who wouldn’t neglect you on purpose

[ph****]

4 hours ago, brokenpuzzlebox1 said:

What the f**k is "after care"? Like no joke all i seem to ever be is a toy for my partner u.u i really dislike being trans

Its cuddling

[mi****]

That just baffles me.
It could be a measure of lack of experience but even then you should still want to comfort and make sure your partner is OK