No Aftercare

[ey****]

6 hours ago, brokenpuzzlebox1 said:

What the f**k is "after care"? Like no joke all i seem to ever be is a toy for my partner u.u i really dislike being trans

aftercare can vary between people but during kink play a lot of stuff can happen

like if someone is (consensually) saying a lot of degrading things - then at the end reassurance they don't mean it (and that you know they don't)

if you do, say, impact, then there might be physical bits

but most play releases endorphins and after play these crash down and the body hits a come down

for a lot of people aftercare is a hug, a cup of tea, sugary treat and reassurance. But, folk have different aftercare needs.

So if your partner treats you like a toy during play/sex/scenes then any form of reassurance afterwards you're more than a toy   

[ki****]

Gotta advocate for yourself. Read into it. Educate yourself. Then, as you make new connections, share what you think your needs might be or what that could look like. Consider maybe only connecting with people or someone very comfortable with giving you aftercare. Kink isn’t just about pleasures. There are people this community, healthy givers, who will be sensitive and respectful to your needs. Own your stuff and ask for what you want. You deserve it.

[ey****]

3 hours ago, philadelphia70211 said:

 

Its cuddling

whilst cuddling may be part of some people's aftercare - even when it is, it's usually just a small part.  

[To****]

Honestly, not getting aftercare can mess with anyone’s head, especially when you’re new. From my side as a Dom, it’s not just nice to have …it’s part of holding responsibility for someone’s body and mind. Without it, your nervous system doesn’t get the signal that it’s safe to let go, so your mind starts spinning, wondering if you’ll just be used. That’s normal, don’t beat yourself up

When you start looking for new connections, be upfront about it. Even small cues:
“I need to feel safe after”
or “I respond better with some calm after a scene”

…set expectations without being heavy. A good(!)Dominant sees that as part of holding space responsibl…

Also, trust your instinct. Pay attention to who actually listens and respects that boundary before anything else. Aftercare isn’t optional if you want real play that leaves you craving more instead of retreating
Take your time, feel the vibe first, and let the play happen when your body and mind know it’s safe

[sa****]

I've learned that the aftercare discussion needs to be part of negotiations. It may sound mean or heartless but it's just the truth, you are responsible for your own safety, that includes mental/emotional so it's up to you to advocate for yourself in your negotiations with a partner.

[Deleted Member]

If you're hetero the problem is men in general. They don't spend a lot of time caring about anything except themselves. Watch some of the tiktok complications about it on YouTube. It's genuinely really disturbing how they'll lie or pretend until they get the sexual contact off you and then just like "lol peace out" and leave you uncomfortable or worse after :(

[Deleted Member]

Thursday at 12:26 PM, TomWhttt said:

Honestly, not getting aftercare can mess with anyone’s head, especially when you’re new. From my side as a Dom, it’s not just nice to have …it’s part of holding responsibility for someone’s body and mind. Without it, your nervous system doesn’t get the signal that it’s safe to let go, so your mind starts spinning, wondering if you’ll just be used. That’s normal, don’t beat yourself up

When you start looking for new connections, be upfront about it. Even small cues:
“I need to feel safe after”
or “I respond better with some calm after a scene”

…set expectations without being heavy. A good(!)Dominant sees that as part of holding space responsibl…

Also, trust your instinct. Pay attention to who actually listens and respects that boundary before anything else. Aftercare isn’t optional if you want real play that leaves you craving more instead of retreating
Take your time, feel the vibe first, and let the play happen when your body and mind know it’s safe

Good advice

[Deleted Member]

I want to put in some input as a dude. So I actually love to give aftercare but I need like a minute like maybe 4 or 5 minutes and the reason is that I get emotionally overwhelmed. So right after the climax I actually feel kind of embarrassed and kind of like I want to act like I'm cool or I know what's going on or something so it's not that I'm not thinking about you it's that I kind of feel dumb lol I don't know why but that's how I feel so what I would do normally is walk around do that maybe go wash my face and then come back and give a snuggle but that's why I do that at least

[en****]

Aftercare is such a vague term, but spending hours playing with each other only to run out the door after an orgasm is just not the way to build a connection

[en****]

I’ve dreamed of having the crazy passionate all night ONS about 5 years into my marriage 🤣 and sought them after the divorce.

But they were not fun or good even. It was sloppy drunk over the top performances I got, at no point did we ever talk about what we liked, don’t like, are into, “does this feel good” was not a sentence heard in these encounters.

In order for me to enjoy intimacy with a woman, I need to be 💯 certain that my partner is comfortable, enjoying herself, and will tell me what to do and not to do to make her orgasm.

Honestly if you’re pounding like a jack hammer or tenderly massaging, it will suck if thats not what your partner likes. Ive orgasmed before when my partner cant, but i did that because it turner her on, not for my pleasure.

[en****]

I say all that because it’s the moments after sex that build trust, allow you to communicate more freely, heck maybe we even start becoming comfortable enough to poop at each others places instead of holding it in!!!

So if that is what aftercare is, then yes it is essential for any relationship but especially one in which sexual, physical and emotional boundaries are pushed to their limits

[Lo****]

Idk if you meant it this way, but there is nothing wrong with you as a person for never receiving aftercare. And it’s understandable that never receiving it has damaged your confidence.

I think one important step- that you seem to be taking- is putting yourself out there anyway, but also clearly communicating what you need.

At the end of the day, this is a matter of communication between two people, no matter what they get into.

I hope that you can find a playmate that listens to you and respects your needs in the future.

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, purplpeopleeater said:

If you're hetero the problem is men in general. They don't spend a lot of time caring about anything except themselves. Watch some of the tiktok complications about it on YouTube. It's genuinely really disturbing how they'll lie or pretend until they get the sexual contact off you and then just like "lol peace out" and leave you uncomfortable or worse after

lmao thats literally all my experiences so far but I feel like thats on me for trusting the wrong people

[en****]

I can say from prior and very recent experiences that being honest and clear from the beginning is key

[en****]

I may tell someone on the first date that I’m just looking to have consistent meaningful sexual relationships and simply do not have the time or energy to “date” right now and give a partner the emotional support they deserve when not mid coutis

[en****]

But then things get complicated……the sex gets better the more you know each others likes and dislikes, and that makes you see each other more and more often.

Then you start increasing the kink, which means buying toys, or having unique experiences—and all that stuff makes you feel bonded whether that is the intention or not.

[en****]

I think defining what you expect after is also important, basically we are all horney walking reproduction machines , we all fantasize, we all do nasty things when nobody is judging, so don’t be shy about saying what you want from the very beginning—-you’ll have more fun, and if you are with the right partner, they will also knowing you are enjoying yourself

[Li****]

ALWAYS vet people. Take your time. Without consent it's ***. Here's questions to ask.

Vanilla Questions for compatibility
What are their hobbies?
What was their childhood like?
What are their political views? Maybe touch on the hottest political topics of the day.
What’s their views on child rearing if you want or have ***?
Do they want or already have ***?
If you have *** can they handle that?
If you or they already have *** what role will each of you play in the ***’s lives?
Do they have income? If not, what’s the circumstances behind it? If they work what do they do? Do they like their job? If not where do they want to be in order to be happy? What plan do they have in place to get there?
Will both of you have to have an income?
Do they have transportation?
What is their living situation?
What education do they have? Are they planning on furthering their education?
Do they have food, pet, drug or other allergies? What should you do in the event of a reaction?
Health conditions, sexual or otherwise?
What’s their biggest pet ***ve?
What’s their goal in life? What plan do they have in place to get there?

Lifestyle Questions
How long in the Lifestyle?
What is your role in BDSM, and what does it mean to you?
How many Doms/subs have they had?
Why did the dynamics end?
Monogamy or poly? Do you share or want to play with others?
Real life or online?
Sadist or masochist? To what degree?
Protocols to expect?
View on the use of Safe words?
Active in the local Community?
How did you learn about BDSM? Do you feel that you still have something to learn?
What are you looking for from a relationship? (Short-term, long-term, play partners, etc.)
What are your non-negotiable terms? Hard and soft limits?
Favorite Kinks and Fetishes?
Kinks and fetishes curious about?
Tell me five things that make you angry. How do you handle being angry?
What are your thoughts on aftercare, and how do you approach it?
What are your favorite play scenes? How do you prepare for a scene?
What are your favorite tools/toys? How did you learn how to use them?
Do you like to drink before playing to loosen up?
Stance on punishment/discipline?
Types of punishment/discipline used?
What are your expectations for me regarding accountability? How would you be accountable to me?
Have you ever had to deal with someone who went into subspace/Dom space? What about drop?
Are you willing to do STD testing with me, so we are both safe?
Prepared to tell Full name, phone # and address before meeting.
Show identification at meeting.
Willing to meet in public one or more times, as needed.

[Li****]

Also check with the police to see if they have previously been arrested/convicted of domestic V or anything like that. In England it's called Clare's law, Scotland is called Domestic *** act, in the USA I'm not too sure.

[jpb]

Based on the shit i see posted by what seems to be the next generation of “alpha bro doms” i imagine aftercare is going out with respect, genuinely wanting an experience that is as or more enjoyable for the female sub, the meaning of the word dom has changed and now the little fucks are empowered by the wank they watch online, and are confused between sex slave and sub, aftercare is equally or the most important aspect (if that is what your partner wants), also why wouldn’t you want to give aftercare ? why is dom sub sex now seen differently to any other type where the basic af

[jpb]

1 minute ago, jpb said:

Based on the shit i see posted by what seems to be the next generation of “alpha bro doms” i imagine aftercare is going out with respect, genuinely wanting an experience that is as or more enjoyable for the female sub, the meaning of the word dom has changed and now the little fucks are empowered by the wank they watch online, and are confused between sex slave and sub, aftercare is equally or the most important aspect (if that is what your partner wants), also why wouldn’t you want to give aftercare ? why is dom sub sex now seen differently to any other type where the basic af

Basic affection is kinda nice

[ce****]

Verbally discuss this with your person of interest before the clothes come off. If either person can't meet the others needs after you both just met eachothers needs then you don't have need for eachother.

[ki****]

@lovemeforreel That makes complete sense. If I may, follow for just a moment… when you get to the point where you want to move past being embarrassed, lean into what embarrasses you about it. Sex and orgasms are natural. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Safety with a partner isn’t just for women. You deserve to feel safe from start until well after you finish. People are selfish. But there’s no reason to expect it has to be like that forever. Trust and safety can take time to build. Hopefully, you can find someone to be your safe space and work through that. Aftercare is exactly for that *** space after climax or when a scene ends. She holds space for the come-down. You get to figure out/decide what feels good to your body… and let someone stay with you in that spade. If it’s 15 minutes or 2 hours. I hope you can challenge yourself so that you can better show up vulnerability for the other person in safety and healthy connection. 🫶🏼

[se****]

It also involves more of a connection rather than lust or sexual activity. If there is a spiritual connection and attraction, then ot almost happens naturally. No matter what, something to bring up beforehand. No matter what communication is key

[Deleted Member]

Echoing others here. Communication is key! You need to know what you do to get yourself feeling better and advocate for yourself. Kink can be a lifestyle when you have a steady play partner. First time or not a steady partner it is a negotiation and you need to walk away if your needs are not met. This includes aftercare to avoid drop.