What does effective/good communication really look like

[Ap****]

This has become the new buzz word it seems and at first I was eager to meet it. But when I would follow up with any sort of more depth, I was constantly met with repetitive vagueness, circular conversation, or people obviously not putting the work in.

To me, effective communication would be easily conveying thoughts (feelings and emotions) between two or more people. Dodging points of interest I see as ineffective communication as "I don't want to discuss that" is a better way to do it. And I'm not talking about intimate details but very very general get-to-know-you questions.

This leaves me feeling this is not what they really want, for any of several reasons.

So, everyone out there. What do you consider good metrics for communication and what pitfalls do you try to avoid?

[Deleted Member]

This is an interesting one because there are so many factors that can impact effective communication, and it’s something that will naturally ebb and flow while getting to know someone.

Neurodivergence, communication styles, how distracted someone is while using the app, the level of interest they have in you, whether you’re one of many conversations they’re having on the app (and whether they’re all asking the same thing), all of these and more will naturally have an impact on effective communication in your conversation.

What seems like depth to you might be irrelevant to someone else so you have to be able to adjust your own expectations on and effort in the conversation instead of going through a bunch of standard interview style questions in the hope that it’ll build a connection.

I try to avoid the interview style questions (although sometimes that can be an impossible task) and adjust my approach depending on the energy I’m getting from the other person in the conversation. Intuition helps too, and not taking things personally when someone isn’t engaging with your questions.

[Ap****]

This all lands well. Thank you. I don't take things personally as in I get my feelings hurt, but if I can't have that exchange with someone, I understand it's not going to be a fruitful endeavor. And it's as much my fault as I may feel it's theirs.

[Ra****]

I feel it’s important we don’t overlook a common issue here and that is that people don’t ask or check in if a conversation is wanted in the first instance.

In my experience, lots of people frame top drawer conversation as depth.

I am neurodivergent and my communication style isn’t for everyone. I always try to start off by asking if someone has capacity, are seeking or interested in me messaging them then try to get a feel from there…

[Deleted Member]

I don’t think fault needs to come into the equation unless you’re intentionally being difficult, rude or malicious in your communication.

Sometimes the conversation doesn’t flow and that’s fine

[Deleted Member]

And that goes for every participant of the conversation

[Ap****]

I understand the way I approach or process things isn't for everyone. And I often question if I'm horrible at engaging someone. But I know plenty of people on various levels that I can speak to easily. I think honestly I have a bit of trauma from a past relationship where they would answer but tell me nothing, like either a politician or someone hiding something. And not prying, just general information like when do I need to pick you up at the airport? Somewhere along the way I think I chocked that up to bad communication(with specifically me?) and decided to avoid that style. And so I'm wondering if that's normal and I'm broken or is that objectively bad communication? If it's normal, how to I address my issues with it?

I think at the end, we are most likely able to be happy and safe if we can speak freely. That's why I like to state my intentions and why, to lay the footwork of what's expected.

And maybe it's a neurodivergent thing and I am not picking up the nuance.

[Deleted Member]

That’s a difficult one to answer without knowing about the other person, their communication style, etc.

I would highly recommend therapy to help you process any trauma from previous relationships, it can also be a good way to identify other hidden traumas which impact your communication style and your ability to adjust.

I spent some time in therapy and found it to be very useful, and while the journey isn’t complete, I’ve taken a break from therapy to reflect and consolidate the progress I’ve made.

I like your point about speaking freely, stating your intentions and letting the chips fall where they may. Sometimes the other person will reciprocate and that’ll lead to a great conversation. Other times they won’t.

[Br****]

Don't overcomplicate things. Thats a trap manipulators use. You are open minded or you're not

[ey****]

Effective communication I wouldn't say is anything new-fangled at all.

But it's not something which is a one-size solution.  Different people respond better to different styles.

Most people kinda hate small talk Hell, but that doesn't mean there's never a space for small talk

what people also kinda often hate is feeling they're being given homework.  Asking questions, being genuinely curious, and showing interest is typically good - but anything which is too demanding on a response is often off-putting.

If someone is replying, but seemingly avoiding a question then it may be because you overloaded them, or, yes might be something they don't wish to talk about (yet) but also don't wish to be overly rude. Sometimes it's best to leave that angle to find something you can both talk about. And honestly this sometimes can be a little "where do you work", "where do you like to hang out" which can be somewhat intrusive - even if it feels conversational. It's about finding the other person's comfort level.

There's other bits to weigh up also. Some people reply because they *think they have to* rather than are necessarily interested, the whole "I'll give him a chance" schtick - so it's trying to gauge if they are just doing this through nicety.

Also if you feel someone isn't matching the effort you'd expect - you don't have to continue the conversation

Equally, if someone is not responding in a way you'd like them to respond - you don't have to continue the conversation.   

 

 

[esotericBrat]

Good, effective communication —at a base level— is someone being able (and willing) to express their thoughts, feelings, needs and/or boundaries in a respectful, assertive, open and honest manner.. Even if that's them explicitly stating they aren't comfortable talking about X yet or doing Y, because at the end of the day people can't read minds/shouldn't be expected to be able to make accurate assumptions about what's going on in there. 🤷

People are allowed to be uncomfortable with what may seem to be normal topics of conversation, but it's what they do because of that discomfort that shows what kind of communicator they are. Repetitive vagueness, circular conversation, and minimal effort? Not effective. When this occurs, I'd likely be dropping them like a hot potato because they're evidently lacking in self-awareness, likely have an insecure attachment style, and may not be emotionally available. 🥸

Research has shown that the majority of people on dating apps actually have avoidant attachment styles, so keep that in mind moving forward. 🫠 At least, I find it helpful knowledge to have when people behave in these sorts of ways.

[la****]

No it totally works but you have to keep working at it. My last relationship was super healthy but It was cause we both put in time.

[Ba****]

If you are still a the „get-to-know-you“ don’t worry about effectiveness, for effective communication you need mutual trust and cooperation

Trying this too early can come across as similarly „creepy“ as being too open

Just get to know people enough for miscommunication to be a practical problem first

[Wa****]

You say people identify as something without really understanding the meaning?

My fren this world has plenty of childr@n in adult bodies who don't care about truth, and they want to feel they are justified in whatever they do no matter how wrong they are. You'll try to explain but they don't want to learn and understand, instead they dig their heels deeper just so they don't have to admit their mistakes.

Good communication for some is YOU, not only listening to them but also agreeing with them and if you're don't then you are bad at communication.

[Co****]

For me, good communication is also when you're able to assess visual cues and convey different tones in different context. For example, You can tease and joke and play coy but as a brat, I need people to know that when my tone is serious im not playing ball. If I give you a grin while saying maybe, there's a lot of room to play there. But if I'm saying maybe in an uncertain or tired tone, take that as genuine uncertainty.

[Ap****]

14 hours ago, Brando138 said:

Don't overcomplicate things. Thats a trap manipulators use. You are open minded or you're not

I feel I'm open minded but also I can't ever be if I don't question the validity of it

[Do****]

There’s a lot of self-help literature on this topic, so go out there and learn! I regularly watch TED talks on communication, self-awareness, how to be more present, etc.