Looking for advice on communication (new to LS)

[Mi****]

Married couple recently discovered the joy of playing with others. We've had separate fun only so far but looking for more.

Here's my dilemma. I (the husband) have been on this app and a few others and making introductions, etc. Not saying that for any reason other than that's kind of how we thought things would work out best.

The problem is that I'll start talking with people and wife and I talk about it, etc. Nothing hidden or anything, but I cannot get her to text/communicate with people.

There have been several incredible people that wanted to meet but the whole things have fallen apart because of this lack of communication.

I know a lot of people are immediately DTF and that's not our style - gotta meet and see if there's a vibe. We've met some people where there was, some where there wasn't.

She is putting it on me to find people, and I don't mind it at all. It's fun meeting people, and I always say she's not much of a texter/etc.

I am at my wits end and need advice. She is absolutely committed to trying new things (in fact she was asking for it before I did), but I know this communication issue is causing "problems" (can't think of a word that sounds less harsh but I don't mean it to be harsh).

We've talked and talked about it and I know her ideal situation is more of a long game. I know how much fun she has when she plays and we love sharing stories, but we really want to play together.

Anyone have any advice? I know that once we have our first shared experience we're going to love it but I don't know how we can get to that point.

And for the record, people have specifically told me that the lack of communication is the reason they've given up on us.

Maybe there's an experienced couple out there who have overcome things like this?

[Ad****]

Hello. Im open to trying new things if you both are willing to. I have some ideas. If you are willing to meetup and diacuss specifics I am open

[Ad****]

discuss*

[Ob****]

Is she aware that her lack of communication is the issue and how does she meet play partners when you're looking for fun apart from each other? I mean a certain amount of communication is always necessary.

[Mi****]

Yes she understands but says "that's just not who I am" and I get that and respect that.

She has regular play partners that are existing close friends. I think in some ways that spoiled her because she kind of thinks that's how it'll work in general

[wo****]

Who’s more picky? What is your wife’s role ? Sounds like you have all the responsibility and suffer all the consequences. Sounds like your job is to make sure all the stars align and she won’t participate in any of that even if the others request/ require that. You have to sing and dance, search for strangers who seriously consider you to be a prospective dance partner who can’t even show with his regular partner. You’re pushing a boulder uphill, lots can go wrong for you. While your wife is up top , willing to go to a dinner meet in the unlikely event of you getting that boulder all the way to the top. In the meantime you push it uphill then keep running back down to the bottom, starting the same process over and over.
What’s your payoff ? If I have all that correct, more or less, I’m not interested in looking for anymore partners.
My grandmother used to tell me frequently when I was a young child that “You’re cruising for a bruising.” Hearing that, I would climb out onto the roof, jump to the porch roof, shimmy down to the ground and get the fuck outa there. I wasn’t a masochist like that.

[Mi****]

Oh I'm not saying I'm a martyr lol

I don't mind my role here as I'm generally the more sociable one between us, but it does sort of seem like an uphill battle.

A big thing for me especially on this app is trying to not get a reputation for being flakes. I hate people flaking on me and I hate doing it to other people. I do always tell people up front about the issue and they say they understand but they think oh she's just not going to text me ten times a day not she'll never text me even though I say that's the most likely outcome.

[wo****]

I hear ya. Just trying to throw out some support from that perspective. I am a lot of things, but subtle isn’t one of them lol

[Mi****]

Lol we Gen Xers are like that! I'm not at that point yet and I'll just say I don't want to do this any more before I get to that point. Classic Gen x fashion: I'll just find a way to live with it

[VZ****]

Wait so before they notice or verbalize the “issue” you tell them there might/will be an issue? Maybe stop doing that. Could be a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Ob****]

I'm sorry to hear that. Honestly someone who isn't willing to communicate in kink is a massive red flag :< Communication is essential for the safety and well-being of all involved parties and if she's not willing to learn that and excuses that skill issue with "just being that way", maybe this space just isn't for her. I don't say that to be mean or anything, but good communication with play partners is an important part of showing basic respect for them, so I totally understand why the people you wanted to meet with her ultimately declined.

[Mi****]

4 hours ago, ObsidianPetal said:

I'm sorry to hear that. Honestly someone who isn't willing to communicate in kink is a massive red flag :< Communication is essential for the safety and well-being of all involved parties and if she's not willing to learn that and excuses that skill issue with "just being that way", maybe this space just isn't for her. I don't say that to be mean or anything, but good communication with play partners is an important part of showing basic respect for them, so I totally understand why the people you wanted to meet with her ultimately declined.

Yes! I don't want red flags, and I don't take it to be mean at all! I'm going to pause for a bit and let her figure things out.

[Mi****]

To anyone who's read this, I'm going to have a long talk with my wife and I thank y'all for the advice. I'll post an update with how it goes in case anyone is interested

[wo****]

Great man. It’s also very thoughtful of you to post an update. Thanks.

[Mi****]

Ok so the update. We had an entire day recently where we hung out around town, went to all our favorite places. Normally we do this with friends but it was just us, so we had plenty of time to talk.

First thing I asked was if she was still interested in going to a club because she's not interested in talking to people "from the apps". She said that was not the case and she misspoke.

Like I said above, she says she feels like I put in a lot of effort and I said no stop. That's not a thing. I really actually enjoy talking to people (as long as they're real and not a fake account lol), and I don't find it a burden or anything.

I said ok but going forward you're going to need to at last chat with people so they know you're real too. She just doesn't want to sext with people and I assured her I don't want her doing anything she doesn't want to and that I will make it clear to people.

Where we are right now I feel is really good and healthy at this point in our journey. We also talked about how we're absolutely fine with each of us meeting people on our own but ideally we can meet together.

Both of us are very much "vibe" people. I don't see us just matching with someone and jumping into playing (at least not yet), but meeting someone in person first is a must both for safety for all parties. That's a hard rule I tell people up front no negotiations.

So there's a woman I've been chatting with and the reason I first created this post. This woman was very turned off by my wife not responding. After we talked, my wife texted her and things are looking good for a meetup.

She doesn't need a long seduction or anything but just wants to meet people sooner than later in the process since there's no point in continuing if we aren't all going to get along.

I do feel like this is a good place for us to be, and I'm confident this isn't as big an issue as I thought when I posted this.

Thank you everyone for your advice and Happy New Year!