Men, even Doms can be clueless to your interest in them

[my****]

I can only speak to men in terms of women. But I suspect there’s overlap.

I just found out that I passed up a good session with a woman because I didn’t pick up on the signal of her showing me around her apartment. Apparently once inside that was when I should have gone in, but it was at the beginning of the date, not the end.

Looking back I wonder how many signals I may have missed over the years. Once the dynamic is established I’m fairly confident. It’s that little step of should we meet for coffee, to show me slave pose that has always escaped my less than keen senses.

Dom or sub what signs did you realize after the fact that you may have missed?

[ia****]

Her loss in failure to communicate openly honestly. Showing interest is often similar to giving consent. Do it wrong and it's a massive problem filled with guilt and shame. Do it right and the worst that can happen is a quick rejection at the best- nothing happens at all.

[su****]

*hugs* I'm terrible without direct communication either, don't feel bad. I also hate the assumption that, cuz I'm a guy, that I'm some kind of sexpert.

[sardonicus87]

Some of the problem with trying to "signal" is, not everyone uses the same signals. One person's "I'm flirting, I want you" is another's "no, I was just being friendly".

This is why communication is important, but damn nobody wants to do it. Everyone thinks they're "being obvious", but half the time they're not nearly as "obvious" as they think they are, and even then, no matter how supposedly obvious "the signs" are, you can't ever trust what the signs actually mean (see above).

[sardonicus87]

In other words, it's not always cluelessness, sometimes it's just not knowing, and I can't tell you how many times I've seen people complain that asking directly for clarification "ruins it".

Well, until everyone gets on the same page with using the same signals consistently, I guess have fun hoping that the other person is psychic and dealing with the issues when they aren't?

[TiedKitt3n]

1 hour ago, sardonicus87 said:

In other words, it's not always cluelessness, sometimes it's just not knowing, and I can't tell you how many times I've seen people complain that asking directly for clarification "ruins it".

Well, until everyone gets on the same page with using the same signals consistently, I guess have fun hoping that the other person is psychic and dealing with the issues when they aren't?

I’m guilty of thinking, “moment is ruined now” after having to explain, but maturing and understanding what consent means to me now it’s more like, “wow they respect my comfort and boundaries, that’s even hotter”.
If you’re attracted to someone, you could get back into the mood with them. If you get the “ick” after confirmation of sexual desire, you didnt want them in the first place. Imo.
If intentions aren’t clear between both parties, does consent actually exist?
I know sometimes as a woman, it can also be like, are they paying attention to my body language and tone, but that all comes later with familiarity of dynamic/relationship. Yeah nobody can read minds.

[ey****]

We have probably all had cases where someone has been interested and as they've not expressly spelt it out, we've not picked up

but then there's probably plenty of other times when someone was doing something which was simply being friendly -- unless someone later tells us they were trying to signal their interest we'll not know the difference

Mind - I feel there is somewhat of a risk involved for women that doesn't quite for men.  Like if we openly express interest then the other person is or isn't interested. they're less likely to be "I'm not interested but woooo - sex" even if that's not impossible.  

But equally as well - women have a lot of the same rejection insecurities as men also.  

[Lo****]

Likely shows your a nice guy and not pushy, its a positive if anything

[an****]

It is not a red flag that you didn't pick it up. Maybe it is some of the things the person expecting something should discuss before hand so you can act accordingly if you're into it.

[sardonicus87]

Also, it's better to misread a signal and "miss out" than to misread the other way and catch an accusation. Always best to err on the side of caution.