Does anyone else struggle to keep trying?

[Deleted Member]

I suppose my frustration comes from 16 years of dedication to the lifestyle. Putting in time and energy for major events and pledging for three different well known leather organizations.

Having plenty to offer but still coming up short handed.

How do you cope with feeling like you're just not enough for anyone?

[Deleted Member]

Reduce your efforts to something you have control over.
Create a bubble that everything else supplements, that is a core that you can always retreat to and feel safe in.
Take refuge in friends, real ones who can lift you when you need it.
Stop sharing yourself so freely and recognise when your bucket is feeling empty. Take the time to fill it up again.

Remember you are not alone. This is an emotional response to external ***s you probably have little co tell over. Decide which factors you can either influence change or accept and let go of the things you can't. It will pass. Use your past to guide you, it's passed before, it'll pass again.

DM me if you need to offload. This last year has been hell and I, like you, have struggled. It's far from over but we are all stronger by supporting one another.

Good luck and take care.

[Deleted Member]

I would have thought you being on for 16 years knew the slow process to connect with someone in fetish sites. Covid made it harder and people are getting more cautious now. Also lots to catch up with social life so maybe the kinky side is less important for some. Plus lots of profile might not be as serious as you think. 

[Wo****]

16 hours ago, FtMSIRx said:

I suppose my frustration comes from 16 years of dedication to the lifestyle. Putting in time and energy for major events and pledging for three different well known leather organizations.

Having plenty to offer but still coming up short handed.

How do you cope with feeling like you're just not enough for anyone?

By being enough for me.

 

And, your vibe attracts your tribe. When my life was fractured, chaotic, insecure and I didn't accept my worth I was attracting chaos and instability.

Once I accepted that everything I need is within me I started to attract stability and love.

[Deleted Member]

I'm not sure I agree with that one. I don't believe that you attract things based on your feelings or current life path. My life is pretty good, I have a stable job, am well educated, and I'd like to think my vibe is great. We all have moments of weakness and difficulty. I don't think that attracts more weakness and difficulty. 

 

Perhaps I am, and have been, looking in the wrong places.

 

I'm of the mindset that if everything I need is within me, then why would I or anyone else have a need for a partnership or Ms dynamic?

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

I would have thought you being on for 16 years knew the slow process to connect with someone in fetish sites. Covid made it harder and people are getting more cautious now. Also lots to catch up with social life so maybe the kinky side is less important for some. Plus lots of profile might not be as serious as you think. 

Slow is one thing. 16 years of not finding a single person seeking what I offer is another lol

 

I agree though. A lot of folks do not take the lifestyle as seriously as I or others do, might, etc. I'm not looking for those people. 

 

Idk. I've been at this long enough to know what I need and am offering. I'm sure eventually someone will have use for it haha

[Wo****]

4 hours ago, FtMSIRx said:

I'm not sure I agree with that one. I don't believe that you attract things based on your feelings or current life path. My life is pretty good, I have a stable job, am well educated, and I'd like to think my vibe is great. We all have moments of weakness and difficulty. I don't think that attracts more weakness and difficulty. 

 

Perhaps I am, and have been, looking in the wrong places.

 

I'm of the mindset that if everything I need is within me, then why would I or anyone else have a need for a partnership or Ms dynamic?

Not feelings and life path... mindset and attitude.

When I had low self esteem, when I was ***, I attracted predatory types, it's only when I started to believe in myself I started to attract good, kind people.

Partnerships aren't needed, desired and wanted, yes but needed?

Everything I need is within me. 

 

 

[Phoenyx]

I have faced a similar conundrum, though perhaps, under different circumstances.  Throughout the 1990's, I was quite active organizing and attending events, in addition to my numerous "side jobs".  Things were quite different in the 90's.  In a way, this was the BDSM Scene's "Free Love" era.  Though I never truly considered it to be a "lifestyle", it still occupied the majority of my free time and energy.

With the turn on the new century though, gentrification invaded like a swarm of locusts.  Our venues all-but-disappeared, and the skyrocketing cost of living (California) scattered our community to the winds.  I ended-up in the Bible-Belt Hell of the Texas Panhandle, where folks seem to have no imagination or creativity.  For years, I have spun my wheels, trying to find another community in the Amarillo area.  Occasionally, I might catch wind of a rumor.  But, such leads always seem to vanish again, within a matter of days.  Covid has only magnified the problem.

Honestly, what I miss most, is being involved in organizing events.  Being an organizer though, did make it hard to find the right person.  Despite my best efforts, I seemed to fall into the "unapproachable" category.  Nevertheless, I enjoyed my time, despite the great *** of isolation, caused by my somewhat lofty position.  At least, the free-love mentality of the 90's provided plenty of "play" opportunities.  I even had a couple part-time "slaves".  But, the true connection was never there, and I was left feeling ***fully empty.  I did eventually meet my wife (now ex-wife).  But, she was more of a BDSM voyeur, than an active participant.  I seemed to be caught in a dichotomy.

I eventually learned, however, that I was far from the only one.  This situation appeared to be one of the great ironies of the BDSM Scene.  Even my mentor, the dominatrix who trained me, faced a similar quandary.  Though she was arguably the High Priestess of the entire Bay Area, her internal struggle was much like mine.  She had both a husband and a vast harem of slaves.  But, her husband was oblivious to both The Scene and her dominance.  His life was firmly rooted in the "vanilla' world.  Too often, I observed my mentor fighting the same demons that ***ed me.  Was this the unfortunate reality of the BDSM realm?  Did it really come down to a choice between being influential in The Scene, or having your own, meaningful, BDSM relationship?

Now, at my later age, my coming-up-short quandary seems to be more about finding another community, than finding a personal relationship.  There seem to be so few BDSM communities left in the U.S..  Is this due to gentrification?  Or, is this the unfortunate consequence of cellphone cameras and obsessive posting to social media?  Of course, Covid didn't help.  Every waking moment, I dream of relocating to a place where I would feel more at home---somewhere near the scenic mountains of the West.  But, is that even possible, anymore?

[Daisydreams]

On 4/27/2021 at 6:24 PM, FtMSIRx said:

I suppose my frustration comes from 16 years of dedication to the lifestyle. Putting in time and energy for major events and pledging for three different well known leather organizations.

Having plenty to offer but still coming up short handed.

How do you cope with feeling like you're just not enough for anyone?

Ooooo I feel this!

I was only recently introduced to bdsm, by an online dom who it seems was just a 'wannabe' 

But prior to him, ive also never felt I was good enough....

[ol****]

What do you mean by shorthanded? 

i am with Bounty on this. You need to do this for yourself not for orher people. 

if, for example, you help to organise an event then do it because it is the helping that brings satisfaction. If you help wirh the expectation of a reward of any kind then you'll always be disppointed. 

@Daisydreams - the world is full of wannabe's it's not confined to the world of kink. 

I posted this before somewhere, you need to love yourself first, if you can't do that then at least like yourself. The key to eirher of these is to know yourself, and a big part of that is to see yourself as others see you. 

 

[ol****]

What do you mean by shorthanded? 

i am with Bounty on this. You need to do this for yourself not for orher people. 

if, for example, you help to organise an event then do it because it is the helping that brings satisfaction. If you help wirh the expectation of a reward of any kind then you'll always be disppointed. 

@Daisydreams - the world is full of wannabe's it's not confined to the world of kink. 

I posted this before somewhere, you need to love yourself first, if you can't do that then at least like yourself. The key to eirher of these is to know yourself, and a big part of that is to see yourself as others see you. 

 

[ey****]

At times, over the years, I've had my own frustrations from time to time and sometimes you have to stop and look inward.

When you do something - for example any form of work towards an event, pledging to organisations, so on

Ultimately it has to be for you.  That you are doing these things because it is something you will enjoy doing.

If you do something because you enjoy it, well, you will get enjoyment from it.  If you do something in the hopes of finding a partner, well, your staking your happiness on an outcome you don't have so much control over - and this in itself can cause a spiral in your mood