Could a relationship not be 100/ 0%?

[Ph****]

Always has to be a give and take. Or you have no balance in a relationship.

[Mia73]

On 4/30/2026 at 3:23 AM, IrishPride9 said:

This is a great way to word this and a great discussion I’d love to have with a lot of people in this community. It seems very much a Dom has to forgo and forgive a lot of common things like bad manners and social faux pas under the guise of “brat” and “sub” and “handle me”. It becomes their fault a lot of the times for being a bad Dom. I myself, don’t consider myself a Dom, because of how many bad interactions I’ve had, have shaken my confidence. It seems we’re all one bratty bad mannered moment away from being kicked to the curb. And we can’t talk about it.

This resonates with me so deeply. I recently moved on from a situation where I spent over a year providing everything—mentally, emotionally, and financially for @CheekyRose. I looked after their confidence, paid for holidays, and provided a home for 10/11 months rent-free. I was the one dragging them to fetish events and offering them the freedom to explore with others under my guidance.Yet, as soon as they got their own space, their narrative changed. To cover for their own lack of initiative during the time we were together, they’ve started telling people I was 'too vanilla' for them. It’s a classic move: using 'brat' logic to justify being ungrateful

I actually think we as Mistresses/Dommes should have local forums on here specifically to discuss the subs we have encountered. We need a space to warn one another before others fall foul of these types of manipulative behaviors.

[an****]

1 hour ago, Mia73 said:

This resonates with me so deeply. I recently moved on from a situation where I spent over a year providing everything—mentally, emotionally, and financially for @CheekyRose. I looked after their confidence, paid for holidays, and provided a home for 10/11 months rent-free. I was the one dragging them to fetish events and offering them the freedom to explore with others under my guidance.Yet, as soon as they got their own space, their narrative changed. To cover for their own lack of initiative during the time we were together, they’ve started telling people I was 'too vanilla' for them. It’s a classic move: using 'brat' logic to justify being ungrateful

I actually think we as Mistresses/Dommes should have local forums on here specifically to discuss the subs we have encountered. We need a space to warn one another before others fall foul of these types of manipulative behaviors.

We could call it 'Vanilla Tea'. This is damaging and cuts at the very fabric of the foundation and reason for supporting another. Is it rare, no. Is it annoying for a logic based intellectual with limited time to waste, definitely. Sometimes those who seek our guidance and protection are not capable in return. Separate them from your flock (circle) and feed them separately, they will still come for your nourishment (guidance/protection) just keep them at a distance, explain the boundary and stay honest to yourself. Bad behaviors are not excusable, but I do see a lot of value in being reachable for clarity not reconnecting. That is community stewardship. Sorry for your loss.

[Mia73]

13 minutes ago, anotherusername said:

 

We could call it 'Vanilla Tea'. This is damaging and cuts at the very fabric of the foundation and reason for supporting another. Is it rare, no. Is it annoying for a logic based intellectual with limited time to waste, definitely. Sometimes those who seek our guidance and protection are not capable in return. Separate them from your flock (circle) and feed them separately, they will still come for your nourishment (guidance/protection) just keep them at a distance, explain the boundary and stay honest to yourself. Bad behaviors are not excusable, but I do see a lot of value in being reachable for clarity not reconnecting. That is community stewardship. Sorry for your loss.

The concept of 'Vanilla Tea' is spot on. 

Outside of this community, I am a highly successful, independent woman with a demanding career and a strong personality. I don’t 'need' anyone which is exactly why I have the capacity to be generous. Having a kind, supportive side is a conscious choice, not a weakness. Providing a home, funding a lifestyle and building someone’s confidence for well over a year isn't 'vanilla'—it’s being a powerhouse. It’s a shame when a sub’s only way to feel 'edgy' is to try and diminish the woman who quite literally paved the way for them.

[Pam_82]

1 hour ago, Mia73 said:

The concept of 'Vanilla Tea' is spot on. 

Outside of this community, I am a highly successful, independent woman with a demanding career and a strong personality. I don’t 'need' anyone which is exactly why I have the capacity to be generous. Having a kind, supportive side is a conscious choice, not a weakness. Providing a home, funding a lifestyle and building someone’s confidence for well over a year isn't 'vanilla'—it’s being a powerhouse. It’s a shame when a sub’s only way to feel 'edgy' is to try and diminish the woman who quite literally paved the way for them.

I am 100% behind this concept. We need to start supporting each other by sharing these experiences to protect our time and energy. I’d love to help get a local group started for us to vet and discuss these encounters. Let’s stop letting them move from one powerhouse to the next without consequence. Count me in!

[Rainydaye88]

I feel people fantasize about 100% but don't think out the true day to day of what it takes to make that sustainable. Really, I think about 80-90% only cause the subs that I picked have all been highly capable people that I can trust to go on autopilot and make a decision that I would have made in an instance where I could not be (i.e. on a work call, doing my self care, etc). I trust that any conditioning and training before would put them in a point that they would know what results I am looking for and not bringing on a person that needs constant oversight. And honestly, I think I do have a habit of rewarding my subs more when they truly are making my life easier.

[Mia73]

I agree as It’s actually how a healthy, long-term power exchange dynamic actually works in the real world. The fantasy of 100% absolute control is fun to play in during specific scenes or weekends but as a lifestyle it rarely holds in reality. When a sub makes a decision in your absence that aligns with what you would have wanted that is them executing your training. Rewarding your subs when they make your life easier is excellent as positive rein***ment strengthens the behaviours you want to see.

[wi****]

Lots of responses which is great, but most come across as having spoken to their sub when they first met and taking what the sub said they liked doing/not doing as them giving the relationship a 70/30 split. But does anyone prior to a session contact their sub saying:-

"Are you free Friday, let's do a session on impact play this time" and they allow their sub to respond with "ya I'm free, could we also do this, this and that?". For you to accept the 1-2 ideas and incorporate it into the session. This is more of a 60/40 or 70/30 split as the Domme still has total control of how long or how hard each bit goes for.

Does anyone do this?? as it seems to be missing from kinksters when I chat to them.

[ey****]

35 minutes ago, wiltswitch said:

"Are you free Friday, let's do a session on impact play this time" and they allow their sub to respond with "ya I'm free, could we also do this, this and that?". For you to accept the 1-2 ideas and incorporate it into the session. This is more of a 60/40 or 70/30 split as the Domme still has total control of how long or how hard each bit goes for.

Does anyone do this?? as it seems to be missing from kinksters when I chat to them.

it feels in general you're pointing towards something specific you're not quite getting to.

But, yes, this is common

However a lot depends on the overall dynamics.  

Like, I have come across scenairos where Dommes have said "we are doing x, y, z" and that is what is happening.  That any other suggestions in that instance are not being entertained.  This is also fair.  

[wi****]

That's the issue Eyemblacksheep kink is sold by what we learn when new and there afterwards. I just don't hear anyone selling the idea that both parties talk before a session. So people don't take it on and develop it.

[ey****]

So there have been a lot of threads on here on communication and consent in general - and that these are ongoing things.

Like "session" as a term isn't commonly used (that's not to say, never used) outside of pro circles - i.e. a client books a session for however long and as part of that booking process it is likely to either be specifically discussed what they're likely to do, or a general framework

That can change over time if the client becomes regular.

-

outside of pro circles, planned scenes are usually just that, planned.  How much input each party has on the planning is related to the dynamic and the appropriateness of surprise.   

But if nothing else, the person you are playing with must know you're likes, limits, dislikes, etc.  and if not, why are you even playing with them?