Kink & shyness

[Qu****]

I know you have experienced it, why do you think it goes hand in hand?

The amounts of short lived profiles, messages that go nowhere, 'curious' outsiders...

The list is endless.

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What do you feel drives it?

[Deleted Member]

They're treating this as a way to dip their toes in, but also at anytime they can ignore it. Like trying a new hobby and dropping it after 2 days.

[Ba****]

Well isn’t the primary reason for both the „curious outsiders“ and the „shy/restrained/private insiders“ the whole „taboo“ nature/perception of kink as a whole??

[al****]

I’m not sure “shyness” is the best word to describe the phenomena you listed. The previous comments have good points but in my experience the echoey void of online fetish communities is the result of it being a bit of an overwhelming experience at first.

For example, within 3 minutes of a profile on this app, I received 10 private messages. 3 were direct propositions to engage in some sort of kinky or sexual activity. 5 were low-effort variants of “hey.” 1 was a generic compliment followed by a vague intending, and the last was a weirdly-timed “how are you making out on this app?”

Combine the flood of attention-seekers with a potentially new and intimidating exposure to stuff that your average dating-app user would consider extreme, and you get a lot of people reconsidering whether sifting through all of this is worth it.

[Se****]

When you first join an app, you are usually sent several msgs from fake profiles to keep you on the app. You need to let the dust settle.

[as****]

The kinky safety positive framework of talk about everything including uncomfortable stuff. Then deciding what you like and don’t like but will do and just not gonna do that. Then you stay within the guidelines and then you hug and shower and talk more. It’s an excellent psychological process or model . Kink is a sometimes healthy way of dealing with trauma. If you’re overthinking things or smart enough to know how fucked the world is etc… welcome home and don’t be an ***r because WE don’t like that and we neurotic so don’t test me lol

[al****]

38 minutes ago, Sensuality said:

When you first join an app, you are usually sent several msgs from fake profiles to keep you on the app. You need to let the dust settle.

This pattern isn’t exclusive to apps and bots. Any activity on sites like fetlife prompts the same flood of private messages.

My point is that it can be a lot for someone who isn’t expecting it.

[Mi****]

Great question/thought. Glad I'm not the only one

[Ba****]

38 minutes ago, aloft said:

This pattern isn’t exclusive to apps and bots. Any activity on sites like fetlife prompts the same flood of private messages.

My point is that it can be a lot for someone who isn’t expecting it.

I think that specifically is more generally a gendered issue

From my perspective you are talking about drowning in this here desert

I had 3 people message me since i created this account, the welcome message guy, a moderator and someone who wanted to continue a forum discussion more privately

[al****]

7 minutes ago, Barthold said:

I think that specifically is more generally a gendered issue

From my perspective you are talking about drowning in this here desert

I had 3 people message me since i created this account, the welcome message guy, a moderator and someone who wanted to continue a forum discussion more privately

I think both of our experiences come from the same problem, though. Communication standards suck on dating apps in general, but the effects get exaggerated in kink spaces.

[Ka****]

Maybe because this app is more of a meat market then a true bdsm site? No one wants to develop true dynamics they just want to hook up and get as many notches in their proverbial belts.

[Mi****]

3 hours ago, aloft said:

I think both of our experiences come from the same problem, though. Communication standards suck on dating apps in general, but the effects get exaggerated in kink spaces.

You said it...and I'll add to Barthold's quote "drowning in this here desert"

Ask any woman what her experience is like here...she's drowning(in attention) but thirst isn't quenched.

Meanwhile....ask any man that same question...a desert(little to no attention)...and still thirst isn't quenched. Different experiences...same exact problem. Maybe the solution is somewhere along the lines of understanding both sides of the playing field?

[Ba****]

3 hours ago, Mikes4real said:

You said it...and I'll add to Barthold's quote "drowning in this here desert"

Ask any woman what her experience is like here...she's drowning(in attention) but thirst isn't quenched.

Meanwhile....ask any man that same question...a desert(little to no attention)...and still thirst isn't quenched. Different experiences...same exact problem. Maybe the solution is somewhere along the lines of understanding both sides of the playing field?

Yeah i know
What is a desert to us is called a swamp from the other side because they can drink all they want but chances are they’ll get sick from just being there too long

I‘m honestly not sure if this particular playing field is worth fixing
I‘m not even really using this as a datingapp, it’s more a forum with a event calendar
Meeting people with faces in public social settings is usually better if you don’t live too far from enough people

[Sa****]

I wasn't looking. But I did develop a deep connection with a man on here. We sent thousands of messages to each other in a day. He became my best friend & support system. We are now in a loving dynamic.

[si****]

A low effort 'hey' can actually be a high effort activity for an introvert. Especially if they're insecure or used to rejection. It's not an excuse but it is a reality. Not everyone finds it easy to talk, especially in a new area, and/or to someone attractive. An acknowledgement is sometimes enough to get a conversation going.

It can get to a point where a high effort introduction is waste on someone who is never going to respond anyway.

Just my 2c.

[an****]

Shyness stems from growing up without a voice, not being heard, being pushed down, being an object. Shyness, because your voice is not valued so you stop talking or interacting. Disappear = Safe. Dating apps don't change the discarded feeling, the used feeling, they turn the volume on high. Kink with a trusted partner brings real heavy value to the person in ways they like, it provides flooded presence, safety, security and all the things they needed growing up. Behavior on apps can be the magnification of negatives experienced IRL not a change. These are separate topics.

[Ja****]

I love this discussion so gonna chime in as one of those extremely shy people with kinks. I’ve been an introvert all my life, it takes me a while to open up to people, to develop that trust that breaks down my walls to allow my normal self to step into the light. I will completely dry up and stumble over my own tongue when even trying to say hello to a woman i find attractive and will often not even be able to move with that purpose.

I’ve attempted so many dating apps and have had absolutely zero luck. Usually it results in a couple likes but then when I say “hey”, or whatever, there is never a response back. It is defeating because it does take a lot to just speak up most of the time. After a time of this happening both online and in person, one tends to start believing that they’re just simply unworthy of any affection or interest at all.

[Bi****]

I have ASD and ADHD, so being "shy" is just how I am. Human contact is just NOT it. The kinky part came from the need for structure, direction, and stimulation. A proper D/s dynamic where a man can handle all that plus my attitude and make me feel safe and loved at the same time... It's the perfect relationship. It's just hard to find.

[te****]

I am shy about dating in general, not just kinks.

I am afraid of being distracted by a woman and losing focus on my career, college, and family goals.

It's got me out of touch—I have an introverting libido.

[wi****]

Well I guess I’d say I personally couldn’t walk into a public place and walk up to a woman that I find attractive for the reason that I’m just tired of rejection, I know I sound like a bitch but 🤷‍♂️

At the same time I don’t wanna meet a girl at the bar cuz I know that my sex life, kinks, fantasies, fetishes, etc are going to scare her off cuz it’s “not vanilla “ so I honestly just now have a *** talking to women in public cuz I’m afraid of saying something wrong.

On this app everyone is at the very least interested enough to maybe download the app just to check it out. We’re all (for the most part) on more of the wild side than the norm, so for me it’s the only place I can talk freely to anyone without ***! We love sex it’s on our minds 24/7 and this is somewhere where we can literally just make friends who like to talk about it