jinxed Posted 4 hours ago (edited) It's a love-hate relationship I have with her. Whenever I am at my weakest, she appears, takes over and wreaks havoc. This time she took her time. Or rather the circumstances made her stall. She had to watch me begin to think that I was lovable after all, that someone existed who would want to take care of me, I being his most treasured possession and he being my all and everything. I managed to get lost in this dream until eventually my weakening began and she started to seep into my thoughts in her insidious way. Even then - because I had believed so intensely - I still held on to the idea that there could be someone who was strong enough to withstand the surge of emotions I was unable to control, who would understand that there are reasons that make me lose this control and that I so urgently need to be held when it happens. But when the surge came and went without someone tolerating, understanding or holding me, she seized the opportunity to bend the iron bars apart that kept her at bay and out she burst! She spat out that I was delusional for counting on someone to stand steady and catch me when I fall. With glee she repeatedly pointed out that these were all just ideas in my head, that I lived in a fantasy world. According to her it would be an impossibility because after all I am the embodiment of toxicity, bringing nothing but chaos, destruction and harm. Secretly, I realised that it was herself that she described. Yet, now as I am lying on the ground, sc@ttered into a million pieces, she's the one who is there. Her pity for my existence is boundless and always leads to her same attempts to console me. At first, she announces triumphantly that any and every hope has been gotten rid of, which means that we are now ready to get rid of ourselves. She is the only one who can enwrap me in the most comforting apathy. After a while, when this strategy doesn't work anymore, she changes gear, becomes more placid and only insists on unfeelingness and madness. No matter what she chooses, she always goes at it with an almost superhuman strength. Through her I have become an expert in acquiescing. Something is different this time. I'm not as quiet as usual. I keep asking questions, no matter how many times she reacts by stabbing my heart with her knives, blazoned with the most vicious serrations. What if I kept living in the fantasy world for a bit longer? What about the intention to learn how to be more patient? Where has the idea of duality always being at play in life disappeared to? Wouldn't both be possible, a dream I created about someone and the reality of a true if not dreamlike connection? Couldn't I for once just keep throwing faith into the ring? Only now, as she starts to retreat and the tears start to fall, I remember that the reason for her adamancy is her desperate wish to stop the p@in. Edited 4 hours ago by jinxed
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