Not a great introduction to the scene

[Peach-7600]

I have just ended a 2 month relationship with a guy who was open from the beginning about his Dom/Sub ways.   I was interested and ready to try things out.  I did some research and have signed up here to learn more.  In the end it was an unsafe experience for me.  I talked to him around all aspects of the 'safe' word, how, where, when etc..  I was curious and communicated with him a lot around the Dom/Sub subject, asking lots of questions.  I found on the whole I like to try something out and explain afterwards if I didn't feel ok with doing it again.  I used the safe word a couple of times, he did stop in the moment, but would try again a minute or 2 later and then say something like 'I'll get you to like it in the future'.  There were other reasons I began to feel unsafe too, but I really wanted to know if I've have got this scene all wrong?

[Deleted Member]

Not at all. You say stop he/she should stop. You set limits of what you like/dislike. Your wishes should be respected at all times.

[Deleted Member]

Submission is a gift. A good Dom should prioritise the health safety and well-being of the sub. I firmly believe that when a safe word is used, it is for the sub to decide if that is a full stop for the session or we just need to change slightly. Any Dom who doesn't respect the sub or pushes the sub to do or continue any practice the sub doesn't want to do is not a Dom but an ***r. Hopefully, you find a good Dom. If you need any support or guidance there are many good people on this site. Myself or my sub are always happy to provide support and guidance. Don't let one bad person put you off.

[Deleted Member]

One person does not make a scene. You made the right call. This is a whole bag of wrong and I'm sorry you've been in that situation with a bad apple. The D sounds like a prick and you are NOT to blame for any of this. I hope you're more aware of the red flags next time and listen to what your brain and heart is telling you. I hope too that this shitty introduction doesn't put you off exploring that side of yourself and that you know more about what you need to make that work for you.

You're still here talking about it, so perhaps there is a small part of you that still wants to see how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Maybe worthwhile taking a short break and really get to the bottom of what went wrong last time and how you're going to prevent it happening again.

I see a NO bullshit policy, a very defined negotiation list and lots of happy subtime in your future.

[ey****]

There is a real and big problem of people with somewhat experience trying to isolate their partners (play or otherwise) from information - and so do things they know are wrong, presented as a "How it is"

So yep - you call a safeword, he stops - unless this is something you'd expressed was OK, he shouldn't be then resuming the exact thing you asked him not to do.

It might be that, one day, that thing you said no to might become a yes - but - then also it might not - and that's something he has to respect.   

[kikmozz666]

It’s about connecting on all levels. Maybe he’s just too impatient. Just the wrong guy for you. It’s all a lesson.

[Deleted Member]

hello Lou55 -  It is a shame that your recent experience made you feel unsafe in many ways.   I think you ought to have talked more about your desires/expectations to want to know more.  It is not only about him finding pleasure/satisfaction in your submissive ways.  Your submissiveness is a gift to your dom partner and not just giving him sexual satisfaction.  

I am very lucky that my husband took time to explain and I am now in a very happy relationship/.    I do hope you will take your time to find out more by meeting others who will take time by giving you good guidance and increase your knowledge.

it can be very rewarding in many ways.  

Regards.  Miss L & hubby xx

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

There is a real and big problem of people with somewhat experience trying to isolate their partners (play or otherwise) from information - and so do things they know are wrong, presented as a "How it is"

So yep - you call a safeword, he stops - unless this is something you'd expressed was OK, he shouldn't be then resuming the exact thing you asked him not to do.

It might be that, one day, that thing you said no to might become a yes - but - then also it might not - and that's something he has to respect.   

I agree with this Blacksheep... but with a cheeky and knowing smile I should point out the D was in fact a woman. And I only male a pont of that so that readers know this isn't a gender problem but an ego problem.

[Deleted Member]

6 minutes ago, KinkySirXxX said:

I agree with this Blacksheep... but with a cheeky and knowing smile I should point out the D was in fact a woman. And I only male a pont of that so that readers know this isn't a gender problem but an ego problem.

🤦🏻‍♂️ you know when I'm wrong I'm so wrong! 😬 ignore everything I just said. Re-read post and it seems I'm talking utter bolox! 😂

[ey****]

17 minutes ago, KinkySirXxX said:

🤦🏻‍♂️ you know when I'm wrong I'm so wrong! 😬 ignore everything I just said. Re-read post and it seems I'm talking utter bolox! 😂

Haha - I was just going to point that - in this case the OP expressly pointed it was a 'He'

But, no, it wouldn't be impossible for a Dominant (or submissive!) of any sex or gender to present their version as the only way for some form of manipulation or other. 

[Deleted Member]

8 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Haha - I was just going to point that - in this case the OP expressly pointed it was a 'He'

But, no, it wouldn't be impossible for a Dominant (or submissive!) of any sex or gender to present their version as the only way for some form of manipulation or other. 

Haha. Thanks for not rubbing my nose in it.

For anyone who's still giggling.... I'm happy to be an example of putting an ego aside and admitting mistakes. 😎

[Deleted Member]

Looks like there was not a good comms between you two or it wasn’t clear about what you wanted.
Your soft limits should have been assess by your Dom then he should have gauge or sense your feelings about it. A good D knows when to stop, ask if it’s ok to restart or have a break and talk about the situation.
But to say I will get you… it’s some kind of dick attitude

[SirMasterDaddy-Dom]

There are plenty of selfish Doms or sexual predators out there who are using the facade of domination to get sex. And often girls develop a bad image of D/S after experiences with such self proclaimed Dom's. You should do your research, know how to select, agree everything upfront and walk away if they don't keep to it. There is a grey area of soft limits but still you should try and then if you don't want it, he should stop and not try again. Also you should be clear on whether it is just kinky sex you are after or actual D/S dynamic. There is a big difference.

[Soulful_Kinkster]

@lou55, you made the right decision. Introduction to the scene or even being in advanced dynamic, a “No” means NO!! If you felt unsafe and used safe words, Dom must and should have stopped. Communicate and assess why you felt unsafe. Maybe you were not ready or had completely had a different idea of the scene. Submission is a choice and a gift that a sub gives and Dom earns. I hope you have good and pleasant experiences in your journey of discovery. 😇

[Ki****]

Dave, you always have the right words.  

[Deleted Member]

I hope you will keep on with your journey and trust that there are dominants out there who will listen to you and can be trusted. It's tough at the start when you know little, but it seems like a whole new world has opened up. You rely on other people to look out for you but they don't always do that - I learnt that I had to be much clearer about my boundaries. And you get better at spotting "doms" who don't deserve the title. I think communities like this one are really great for talking it through & giving advice.

[Mo****]

You'll be amazed by how many people who claim to be into BDSM and talk a big respect game don't even have a grasp of common courtesy, let alone the depth of care required when in a Sub/Dom relationship.

I'm all for second chances, but never ignore the red flags.

[SensoryStow-3093]

First of all, no Dom (if that’s their role) should go in after 1 or 2 minuets, they should ask you first. Then him saying “I’ll get you to like it in the future” was bang out of order, nobody can get you to like anything, if you don’t you don’t, if you’re unsure then fine try again but he should have been more understanding

I say that was a red flag what he said snd you got out when you did, he needs more educating by the sounds of it

[uk****]

Really you should be discussing before and after as well as during if you’re confident enough. Too many “dynamics” fail because someone wasn’t being honest about what they wanted from the beginning

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, ukmarky said:

Really you should be discussing before and after as well as during if you’re confident enough. Too many “dynamics” fail because someone wasn’t being honest about what they wanted from the beginning

Are you blaming her? It sounds like she did her best to communicate and ask questions. And she's the newbie.

[sm****]

One fundamental we always say is communication and trust, this guy has done nether, leaving it up to his new sub to ask, and an instant red flag on two points "saying you will learn to like it" bang out of order and not taking on board or listening/understanding/respecting  his sub or play partner.

Carrying on after a safe word even with a gap is bang well out of order and showing this person is a danger or a wannabee who hasn't been bothered to take the time to get to know the aspects of safety/play,  play partner in general and only after his own gratification. 

Play is a two way thing, if the Dom/Top isn't listening when you are trying to communicate , he shouldn't be playing.

You done the right thing by ending this and asking questions here. 

Luckily you listened to your personal red flags as you say there were other things, always listen to those inner alarms, they are nearly always right.

No1 rule be safe in all situations.

 

 

[uk****]

17 hours ago, Curvykate said:

Are you blaming her? It sounds like she did her best to communicate and ask questions. And she's the newbie.

Categorically not blaming anyone, just saying that communication is key.

[Peach-7600]

Thank you all so much for your replies, information and support. 

I have been doing some reading/research on here and elsewhere. I would very much like to know how I go about the possibility of a relationship with an experienced Dom.

L

[Deleted Member]

Hello Lou55

There is no exact answer to your latest question.  You could meet your future partner/Dom anywhere for that matter.  

When I met my (now) husband I did not know much about BDSM and Dom/sub & fetish etc.

We became friends and wanted to take our friendship further. That is when he told me about some of his tastes and of his past in the fetish scene. I listened and thought I did not mind finding out and to know a bit more about it.  He did not say "You must do this" or "You must do that".  He gave me time to learn and find out more.   I am happy to say that it suited me in many ways and we have developed  and adapted our life into making certain things to fit into this new passion of ours.   

You could go to meet other people in meetings and get to know them better.    You could also meet your future partner anywhere else and get to know him and tell him what you would like to do with your fetish side...  

I wish you our Best Wishes. 

xx