Se**** Posted June 8 Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, it’s human. Some are worse than others though. So, when you do make a mistake or do something you shouldn’t what do you do? How do you handle it? I’m looking for discussion from both sides of the slash including not only when a sub is in the wrong but when a Dom messes up. Last night I was given a very explicit instruction. I followed it, until a few hours later when I blatantly ignored it. I could make excuses as to why, they don’t matter, I didn’t do as I was told. The part that was strange was the urgent need I had to confess to what I’d done. I felt so wrong and so guilty and I needed to tell him. He, as he always does, took it in his stride and held steady. He listened and didn’t lose his temper or withdraw. He did EXACTLY what I needed without me even knowing I needed it. Is/was the desire to confess a desperate need for punishment and penance? Was my inability to hold my guilt the driving f0rce? Did I feel safe to confess because I trust his reaction? What makes you feel able to be honest with someone when you’re wrong or mess up? Conversely what gives you pause? How do you handle it if someone confesses to something to you? I look forward to hearing people’s thoughts. As always, please no arguments or offensive comments. Love, X
OT**** Posted June 8 It's good when there is agreement / understanding in place about how mistakes (intentional and unintentional) are going to be handled. As long as limits are not broken then this can be a fun part of play. “I’m sorry Daddy I've been naughty…” “Again? Get on your knees and explain yourself and be prepared for consequences…” So it can be turned into fun play around power dynamics. You talk about feeling safe to confess because you trust his reaction - this sounds like a good dynamic 🙂 Would this all be the case if the transgression was a huge one though? I think it's important to listen carefully when taking a confession, and responding appropriately to the agreed dynamic. Would you both enjoy revisiting confessions for further punishment, ***, *** etc? Or would you prefer a ‘one and done’ approach- unless you keep breaking the same rule repeatedly (Does this need a new rule? Does this need a new punishment? Etc.) Guilt can be a powerful kink to play with, provided that both parties discuss and negotiate in advance. I could write a book exploiting these issues - I'm far too interested to hear what others think though so I will stop and listen.
ni**** Posted June 8 perfect behaviour doesn't explore a dynamic, and would be devoid of humanity. we all fall.
Deleted Member Posted June 8 Trust is the foundation of all meaningful relationships. Regardless of what drove your actions, if the other person can hold the space for you patiently and let you express it, with the trust that nobody’s being hurt, then that’s the golden ticket right there. It’s a mark of someone secure and mature (mentally and emotionally) that they’re able to empathize with the other, that mistakes happen, and don’t need, every single time, a confession or a petition for forgiveness.
Se**** Posted June 8 Author (edited) 6 hours ago, OTrainer said: It's good when there is agreement / understanding in place about how mistakes (intentional and unintentional) are going to be handled. As long as limits are not broken then this can be a fun part of play. “I’m sorry Daddy I've been naughty…” “Again? Get on your knees and explain yourself and be prepared for consequences…” So it can be turned into fun play around power dynamics. You talk about feeling safe to confess because you trust his reaction - this sounds like a good dynamic 🙂 Would this all be the case if the transgression was a huge one though? I think it's important to listen carefully when taking a confession, and responding appropriately to the agreed dynamic. Would you both enjoy revisiting confessions for further punishment, ***, *** etc? Or would you prefer a ‘one and done’ approach- unless you keep breaking the same rule repeatedly (Does this need a new rule? Does this need a new punishment? Etc.) Guilt can be a powerful kink to play with, provided that both parties discuss and negotiate in advance. I could write a book exploiting these issues - I'm far too interested to hear what others think though so I will stop and listen. To be honest I’m not sure that there is an agreement in place, as such, about how mistakes will be handled. My fe@r of failure causes me to escalate to the worst possible scenario when I make a mistake so in a way I do punish myself more than he does/would albeit in a different way. However, his calmness and steadiness every time I’ve made an error is beginning to reach me somehow. There is a level of trust that even when I escalate to the worst case scenario he will remain careful and considerate with me and I adore that about him. I would hope to never, ever break someone’s limits and vice versa and irrespective of how the person handled it I’d never forgive myself if I did. I’m very good at self flagellation 😬. He makes me feel completely safe, he holds space for me to have my moments and meltdowns without joining me in them but also without leaving me feeling alone. Is that a good dynamic and basis for an actual relationship? I think so, I hope so. Knowing how I’ve reacted to the “minor” transgressions I’ve made the thought of keeping anything bigger from him makes me feel physically sick. I genuinely don’t think I could despite how much I wouldn’t want to disappoint or hurt him. But this is all wholly new territory to me. I’m not an angel, I’ve messed up in the past (and apologised) - this feeling is different though. I’m compelled to be honest with him because I need him to know and see all sides of me. I want him to accept my imperfections along with my amazingness because otherwise how can he fully know me. I need to know if I’ve made a mistake that it’s been done and dealt with. I don’t want it hanging over my head, I don’t want to continuously worry that he’s still cross with me. If he tells me I’m forgiven then I need that to be true even if it’s an area we need to work on in the future - the forgiveness and acceptance matters to me. I can still work through issues arising from the transgression once the punishment has been given and learn to correct my behaviour - maybe positive reinf0rcement 🙏 I’ve rambled too much, I hope that makes sense and answers your questions. Edited June 8 by SerendipitousKeeper * words
Se**** Posted June 8 Author 6 hours ago, OTrainer said: It's good when there is agreement / understanding in place about how mistakes (intentional and unintentional) are going to be handled. As long as limits are not broken then this can be a fun part of play. “I’m sorry Daddy I've been naughty…” “Again? Get on your knees and explain yourself and be prepared for consequences…” So it can be turned into fun play around power dynamics. You talk about feeling safe to confess because you trust his reaction - this sounds like a good dynamic 🙂 Would this all be the case if the transgression was a huge one though? I think it's important to listen carefully when taking a confession, and responding appropriately to the agreed dynamic. Would you both enjoy revisiting confessions for further punishment, ***, *** etc? Or would you prefer a ‘one and done’ approach- unless you keep breaking the same rule repeatedly (Does this need a new rule? Does this need a new punishment? Etc.) Guilt can be a powerful kink to play with, provided that both parties discuss and negotiate in advance. I could write a book exploiting these issues - I'm far too interested to hear what others think though so I will stop and listen. Oh and re the “I’m sorry Daddy, I’ve been naughty…” that seems far too easy but also somewhat coquettish. I can almost imagine twirling my hair and looking up from my lashes while I say it, it doesn’t feel “guilty” enough. But then I do tend to make a big song and dance of things sometimes and write a book when a few words will do 🤷🏼♀️
Deleted Member Posted June 8 5 minutes ago, SerendipitousKeeper said: To be honest I’m not sure that there is an agreement in place, as such, about how mistakes will be handled. My fe@r of failure causes me to escalate to the worst possible scenario when I make a mistake so in a way I do punish myself more than he does/would albeit in a different way. However, his calmness and steadiness every time I’ve made an error is beginning to reach me somehow. There is a level of trust that even when I escalate to the worst case scenario he will remain careful and considerate with me and I adore that about him. I would hope to never, ever break someone’s limits and vice versa and irrespective of how the person handled it I’d never forgive myself if I did. I’m very good at self flagellation 😬. He makes me feel completely safe, he holds space for me to have my moments and meltdowns without joining me in them but also without leaving me feeling alone. Is that a good dynamic and basis for an actual relationship? I think so, I hope so. Knowing how I’ve reacted to the “minor” transgressions I’ve made the thought of keeping anything bigger from him makes me feel physically sick. I genuinely don’t think I could despite how much I wouldn’t want to disappoint or hurt him. But this is all wholly new territory to me. I’m not an angel, I’ve messed up in the past (and apologised) - this feeling is different though. I’m compelled to be honest with him because I need him to know and see all sides of me. I want him to accept my imperfections along with my amazingness because otherwise how can he fully know me. I need to know if I’ve made a mistake that it’s been done and dealt with. I don’t want it hanging over my head, I don’t want to continuously worry that he’s still cross with me. If he tells me I’m forgiven then I need that to be true even if it’s an area we need to work on in the future - the forgiveness and acceptance matters to me. I can still work through issues arising from the transgression once the punishment has been given and learn to correct my behaviour - maybe positive reinf0rcement 🙏 I’ve rambled too much, I hope that makes sense and answers your questions. Sounds like the two of you relate to each other in plenty healthily, for a loving(?) relationship. Towards the middle where you say that you’d be physically sick with yourself if you kept something bigger from him. That to me sounds to do with communication. Because, whether something’s big or small is only known relatively and without expressing it, and processing the feedback, how’s you ever know? So, bottomline, communicate, communicate, communicate :)
bl**** Posted June 8 I think he would be happy to hear you explain that exact same concept to him.. because I’m sure he feels very similarly
bi**** Posted June 9 "Is/was the desire to confess a desperate need for punishment and penance" - doubtful, you'd know if you were being a brat. I think it was a desire for accountability, being responsible and honest in your relationship. I think you're overthinking something perfectly normal.
Se**** Posted June 9 Author 3 minutes ago, bittenkiss said: "Is/was the desire to confess a desperate need for punishment and penance" - doubtful, you'd know if you were being a brat. I think it was a desire for accountability, being responsible and honest in your relationship. I think you're overthinking something perfectly normal. Punishment/penance doesn’t always have to be for being a brat. One can desire it or need it for a variety of reasons. So, whilst yes you are correct that this was not me being a brat (I do that in other ways) needing punishment and being a brat are not so wholly interlinked that one cannot exist without the other (at least in my humble opinion). Punishment can be used as correction, a way to absolve guilt, as a line drawn to mark the end of the event or many other things. I also wouldn’t necessarily associate punishment with being a brat, “funishment” yes but they are two different things and wholly dependent on individual(s)/dynamics.
Recommended Posts