Fake Dommes

[ey****]

12 minutes ago, Lokisgodhi said:

What annoys me most is the one's who obviously haven't actually read my ad. 

Based on the responses I get. there's a 98% illiteracy rate among femdommes.

Clearly we need to have a telethon to address the problem of femmedomme illiteracy in the BDSM scene. ;-)

it's, well - there's somewhat of an irony - in the sense that these folk *haven't* read your profile - they're guys, posing as women - in a completely different countries.  They're mass messaging men in the hope of a bite, that one falls for the scam.  

The irony, of course, that we know many men mass message women hoping for a bite, it's the same repeated tactic

Perhaps though - if you want a telethon to address the problem of 'femmedomme' [sic] literacy - then you can donate to said scams  

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, MzJax said:

I met both of my last long term subs on dating platforms, one on Alt, well over a decade ago.. before it turned into a porn site, and the other through Fetlife, okay, not strictly a dating site but social media ish, and people do use it for dating..I'm here hoping that lightening can strike thrice. If I believed it wasn't possible to meet my next, and hopefully last, submissive partner here I wouldn't be bothering to look. And I know at least a dozen couples and a handful of poly relationships that are very real, and real time, that developed through friendships made here on this site in the time I've been a member, I've personally met several of them so I know they're not exaggerated or made up.

 

I think it's the ratio of women per men. Women can afford to be choosey because there are so many men chasing so few women. Therefore women can make a success of it, but I feel for you because of the amount of messages you get. Personally it's very very rare I get any response at all. Unless it's a scammer. 

[Mz****]

9 minutes ago, Axlsub said:

I think it's the ratio of women per men. Women can afford to be choosey because there are so many men chasing so few women. Therefore women can make a success of it, but I feel for you because of the amount of messages you get. Personally it's very very rare I get any response at all. Unless it's a scammer. 

I don't think that's necessarily true, the being choosy part especially. .you make it sound like the sites full of great matches being overlooked because we're all looking for male models or something. I do get a lot of mail yes, but over 90% of it isn't anywhere near what I'm asking/looking for, imagine going into a bar and ordering a aged malt whiskey and being presented with a tin of new potatoes..I get a lot of spuds and not much malt..I'm not being choosy, I'm just not going to compromise on every single thing.

Its unfortunate you don't get the replies you hope for, perhaps its what you're saying if replies are so rare?

[ey****]

I often feel 'the ratio' is one of the biggest myths and it's something that guys might use to handwave away their lack of 'luck'

If I started messaging every woman on this site, for example, for some I live too far away.  For some I would be too old. For some I might be too young.  For some, our kinks/fetishes just wouldn't align.  For some I wouldn't be able to commit to the time together, or exclusivity, they may desire and even for some I might want to spend more time with them than they are happy to give.

Tying in with another thread I started today - I feel that while many women might want a compatible partner, there is less 'need' than in previous generations.  So, it's almost up to the guys to show why 'giving them a chance' would benefit the person they're trying to impress.

But equally... if the ratio *was* true then the way to 'beat the odds' is for guys to raise themselves to the standards being set.   

[Deleted Member]

@MzJax and @eyemblacksheepI agree with both of you. I might not be as fluent in my comments as you two but I've tried everything in the past. I don't bother as much anymore. I'm not complaining either. I'm certainly not handwaving away anything. 

Women get more messages, as MzJax says herself. Lots more. Time and time again I see comments about how many messages women get. How can they not be choosey, selective, whatever? I don't blame them one bit. It's how it is. If anything, I complain about about the time wasters and chancers wasting their time. It's insulting and derogatory to women the way men dump themselves into their inbox as if they're the only ones writing to them. It must be tiresome. This is why I believe the ratio is in their favour. Good for them. My search criteria was based on milage. 50km gives me about a dozen women to write to. Let's say 2 dozen because I haven't counted. When I whittle down the ones I think I'm compatible with, I'm left with a couple, 3 maybe 4, 5 or 6. Not many is my point. Of those, I will get no replies. Whereas they will get get a lot to choose from. So I stick with the ratio being in women's favour. As it should be.

I've shown women friends what I write. I've had women friends who write for me. The results never change. It's either no reply or sometimes a no thanks. So it's nothing to do with what I write. This is why I believe my owner will not be found on the internet. The chances are very very slim. It's just how it is. I get it. I'm not complaining. I'm enjoying this topic. 

Happy days.

[ey****]

49 minutes ago, Axlsub said:

Women get more messages, as MzJax says herself. Lots more. Time and time again I see comments about how many messages women get. How can they not be choosey, selective, whatever?

I guess for example.

If women got, say, 10 high quality messages from potential suitors - then they may well of course be choosy.

But whilst they may receive a higher volume - it's not really high quality

(when I say 'high quality' - this is a very much a 'your mileage may vary' type thing - but certainly things like hey, small talk, or anything that initiates conversation but then puts pressure on the woman to carry the conversation is not high quality.   There was a case on another website where I saw a post from a lady who normally plays with other women but wanted a man for some play - she had a preferred age range and whilst not overly strict on other features - specified to be clean shaven.   OK... yep, flooded with repsonses from people outside the age range, with facial hair, so on - all hoping she would make an exception - and many coming back after the "you're outside my age range" reply back to boundary push - these are not high quality messages)

[Mz****]

2 hours ago, Axlsub said:

@MzJax and @eyemblacksheepI agree with both of you. I might not be as fluent in my comments as you two but I've tried everything in the past. I don't bother as much anymore. I'm not complaining either. I'm certainly not handwaving away anything. 

Women get more messages, as MzJax says herself. Lots more. Time and time again I see comments about how many messages women get. How can they not be choosey, selective, whatever? I don't blame them one bit. It's how it is. If anything, I complain about about the time wasters and chancers wasting their time. It's insulting and derogatory to women the way men dump themselves into their inbox as if they're the only ones writing to them. It must be tiresome. This is why I believe the ratio is in their favour. Good for them. My search criteria was based on milage. 50km gives me about a dozen women to write to. Let's say 2 dozen because I haven't counted. When I whittle down the ones I think I'm compatible with, I'm left with a couple, 3 maybe 4, 5 or 6. Not many is my point. Of those, I will get no replies. Whereas they will get get a lot to choose from. So I stick with the ratio being in women's favour. As it should be.

I've shown women friends what I write. I've had women friends who write for me. The results never change. It's either no reply or sometimes a no thanks. So it's nothing to do with what I write. This is why I believe my owner will not be found on the internet. The chances are very very slim. It's just how it is. I get it. I'm not complaining. I'm enjoying this topic. 

Happy days.

I get what you're saying..apart from the fluent comments..no idea what that means, doesn't sound complimentary though 🤔

I can only speak for myself, and of my own experiences..I realise I'm in the minority in what I'm looking for and I still have hope that I'll find it..I've seen friends connect and evolve their relationship on this site, spoken with others about the great hookups they've had, play sessions they've enjoyed, and I've read threads on the forums where someone laments and others step up with success stories, I've personally met in real time half a dozen potential matches from the site  that didn't go beyond a first meet,  'played' with a handful where it did, but like vanilla dating, there's a multitude of reasons why those didn't go any further, mostly distance which is why I now have such tight distance preferences..Covid has of course brought the world to a standstill and that hasn't helped either.

People do connect here, you're just not seeing it, the married unsatisfieds, the nsa peeps, and the friends with benefits are probably in the best position because that's what seemingly most are looking for, then there's those who want an online only ownership..(almost everyone who messages me wants an online only relationship behind their partners back, or lives overseas, I refuse to be anyones dirty little secret..and online just doesn't work for me..) and of the rest in my age range, a good number are already in a relationship and are looking for either a third or fourth to join, or friends, networks, or just information and advice, the platform isn't just for dating.

The sites a small pool, getting bigger, but its still small, and thats what I like about it, but it does mean there's less people to "choose" from, that alongside compatible kinks, relationship goals, chemistry, location, attraction, and everything else makes the odds of success for me, and those like me miniscule, but, I believe it is possible..in the meantime I'm enjoying friendships I've made here, and the opportunity to express myself and to show the person behind the profile.

I would add, and you won't like this bit..saying things like all Dommes are fake is going to put off a lot of Dommes who otherwise might have had an interest in getting getting to know you..sweeping generalisations are unhelpful at the best of times, when with negativity, or passive aggressiveness, well, the hackles rise and rightly or wrongly that alone is enough to exclude someone from consideration. 

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, MzJax said:

I get what you're saying..apart from the fluent comments..no idea what that means, doesn't sound complimentary though 🤔

I can only speak for myself, and of my own experiences..I realise I'm in the minority in what I'm looking for and I still have hope that I'll find it..I've seen friends connect and evolve their relationship on this site, spoken with others about the great hookups they've had, play sessions they've enjoyed, and I've read threads on the forums where someone laments and others step up with success stories, I've personally met in real time half a dozen potential matches from the site  that didn't go beyond a first meet,  'played' with a handful where it did, but like vanilla dating, there's a multitude of reasons why those didn't go any further, mostly distance which is why I now have such tight distance preferences..Covid has of course brought the world to a standstill and that hasn't helped either.

People do connect here, you're just not seeing it, the married unsatisfieds, the nsa peeps, and the friends with benefits are probably in the best position because that's what seemingly most are looking for, then there's those who want an online only ownership..(almost everyone who messages me wants an online only relationship behind their partners back, or lives overseas, I refuse to be anyones dirty little secret..and online just doesn't work for me..) and of the rest in my age range, a good number are already in a relationship and are looking for either a third or fourth to join, or friends, networks, or just information and advice, the platform isn't just for dating.

The sites a small pool, getting bigger, but its still small, and thats what I like about it, but it does mean there's less people to "choose" from, that alongside compatible kinks, relationship goals, chemistry, location, attraction, and everything else makes the odds of success for me, and those like me miniscule, but, I believe it is possible..in the meantime I'm enjoying friendships I've made here, and the opportunity to express myself and to show the person behind the profile.

I would add, and you won't like this bit..saying things like all Dommes are fake is going to put off a lot of Dommes who otherwise might have had an interest in getting getting to know you..sweeping generalisations are unhelpful at the best of times, when with negativity, or passive aggressiveness, well, the hackles rise and rightly or wrongly that alone is enough to exclude someone from consideration. 

 

 

 

I have never said all Dommes are fake. Ever. I made this post about "fake Dommes" primarily to show anybody new here, should recognise them when they show up. Dating sites are absolutely rife with them. This one is not. There aren't any fakes on here I've come across at least. So bravo admins 👏👏👏

I enjoy this site as well. It's great! Also "fluent comments" is complementary. It means you're clevererererer than me at expressing your thoughts. I like your profile, but I'm not for you, so I didn't write. Purely because of the practicalities. Otherwise I think you're ace! 🙇🏼‍♂️ 

I don't message anybody hoping they will make exemptions. If anything, it's me who will have to make exemptions. That's why I say the ratio of success is far more favourable for women. And I'm happy about that. @eyemblacksheep gives an example of a post about a woman asking for a certain type and all sorts flood in. 

When a man does that few or nobody responds. We can see it all the time on fetlife. 

But "fake Dommes" are a total nuisance for everyone. They make men less keen, less focused on individual profiles and resort to one liners and vague hopes. On the other hand, it gives me an understanding of what women have to deal with at least. 

 

[ey****]

26 minutes ago, Axlsub said:

When a man does that few or nobody responds. We can see it all the time on fetlife. 

In some cases. This is more about the man than the woman

In the world of work - a man will apply for a job he feels he meets about 60% of the job description for

A woman will only apply if it's 90+%

I've seen some truly awful personal ads from women that get replies - "Hey, I'm in this area and looking for a foot slut" - and that being the whole post - and loads of replies - including from the "I wish you were closer" to the "I'm outside of what other requisites you said but consider me" - and they kinda, there's nothing or very little else about this person.    And then.  And then when they message her and she says "Ok, pay for my pedicures I send you pictures.  You can my used socks from me. x, y, z" they are suddenly surprised (even if there were what should be obvious links on their profile!) 

But ultimately, this was still men replying to poor quality ads.

Men post a lot of really poor quality ads - a lot of which ties into many points I constantly make "Looking for a woman in area x to worship her feet" being often the entirety of the flip version of the above : which makes women think "is he interested in a partner, or feet?" and an otherwise poor profile leads to no results.

But.   I also know of course that even the best ads aren't certain of results - but - I guess - perhaps people read the ads and think it's a good ad but otherwise aren't interested.

Equally.  The polite thing to do with a personal ad is to reply privately.

So if a guy does post an ad online, how do we actually know he got no response? 

[Mz****]

38 minutes ago, Axlsub said:

But "fake Dommes" are a total nuisance for everyone. They make men less keen, less focused on individual profiles and resort to one liners and vague hopes. On the other hand, it gives me an understanding of what women have to deal with at least. 

 

Absolutely understand that, and yes, they are a huge irritant..probably more to the authentic Dommes than to subs though, they give newcomers to the scene a false impression of who we are, what we should be, they perpetuate the myth of the hive mind (in that we all think the same way, behave the same way etc blah etc), they cause mistrust, they give us All a bad name and we constantly have to defend ourselves as a result of their actions and behaviour in ways that few others have to, though I'm sure male Doms must have similar issues from all the self proclaimed Masters out there who in actuality are just horny wannabes sat at a screen..but give new subs a false and often dangerous idea of what BDSM is.

Even with a cursory look through the forums you'll see this same subject comes up week after week after week after week..so perhaps I'm just a little jaded on the subject.

[ey****]

I think something I said on another thread

too many (and I don't mean all or any specific) men talk about "fakes and scammers" 

and it seems their definitions are

"Scammers" - anyone who asks for ***

"Fakes" - anyone who isn't interested in me

and I dunno.  I think tying in with MzJax point above, many women I've spoke to find this off-putting because it becomes "so if I'm not interested in him that makes me a fake?" 

[Mz****]

2 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Fakes - anyone who isn't interested in me

Yup..that!! 

[ey****]

I remember a friend who.... she did get a lot of messages from guys on fetlife wanting to play or be a 'poly partner' (she was openly poly and interested in more relationships - but - well.... that's a whole new discussion)

there was a guy she was talking with and she was like, "Look - you're in - whatever city - you don't drive - how do you think this is going to work?", "You could come to me!", "OK, I could... as well as being an x hour round trip - petrol is £40 - if we met would you cover the petrol each time?", "Oh, so you're a scammer just after ***!"

She, well, ended the conversation there.... 

[Mz****]

13 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I remember a friend who.... she did get a lot of messages from guys on fetlife wanting to play or be a 'poly partner' (she was openly poly and interested in more relationships - but - well.... that's a whole new discussion)

there was a guy she was talking with and she was like, "Look - you're in - whatever city - you don't drive - how do you think this is going to work?", "You could come to me!", "OK, I could... as well as being an x hour round trip - petrol is £40 - if we met would you cover the petrol each time?", "Oh, so you're a scammer just after ***!"

She, well, ended the conversation there.... 

I've had the exact same thing when asking for half the costs of a room or in one case dungeon hire..which he wanted btw not me, and I've had what felt like a demand, more than once, to cover someone else's travel, or as in your example.. well you can come to me and absorb all the expenses..even on first meets or dates 9/10 I'm expected to pay for the drinks or meal, I have no problem paying my share, but, fuck that! ..you want to meet me but to do that I have to pay your travel expenses both ways, and potentially accommodation, your drinks and your meal, and if we get on I'm then responsible to every toy, ticket, hotel room and outfit for us both, and who's the scammer again? 

 

[Deleted Member]

@MzJax "jaded". That's the word for genuine women and genuine men. For different reasons but yes, jaded is a good word. 

@eyemblacksheepyep I've seen and heard all the same stuff. Anybody who asks for ***, right from the off, for me, is a scammer, unless it's on their profiles offering worn socks, worn knickers as a service. It's the ones who message first to go to hangouts or email. They are Definite scamming red flags. 

I think we're all in agreement here, in a roundabout way, armed with our own personal experience/opinions. 

Scammers beware! The word is spreading. 

 

[ey****]

26 minutes ago, MzJax said:

I've had the exact same thing when asking for half the costs of a room or in one case dungeon hire..which he wanted btw not me

I remember I did meet up for a lady for some play in a hotel room and she gave me half the room on arrival - which was a nice shock. I wasn't expecting it.  I had told her to keep it but she warned me if I did then the next time we met socially she would keep buying me drinks - so - it was probably safer that way

But yeah - hotel/dungeon/etc. costs - at best, split 

28 minutes ago, MzJax said:

and if we get on I'm then responsible to every toy, ticket, hotel room and outfit for us both, and who's the scammer again? 

I remember a conversation I had a couple of years ago - and - it was with a Domme who works professionally but has a private kink life also.    So, she's aware of the routine with some new subs/clients.   They will ask her if she is kinky in private or "is it just for ***" and so she answers honestly.  

And then it comes.

"I want to be your sub"

Woah, sunshine - we just met.  And every time - she knows that this person has moved to a position to wanting to play with her "for free" 

To paraphrase "I've spent years building up a collection of toys, of outfits of experience and how to do things safely - all of which is necessary for the 'job' side as well as what I enjoy privately.  And now after one meeting you want access to my lifestyle you've otherwise contributed nothing towards" 

I think there's this fantasy that guys will move in or befriend a Dominant who has her own fully stocked dungeon they haven't had to contribute towards.

(BTW - when the time is right and we do eventually meet for coffee or drink - there's no worry, they're on me ) 

[Mz****]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

(BTW - when the time is right and we do eventually meet for coffee or drink - there's no worry, they're on me ) 

Lol, it'll be tea no need to save up 😂

(And, I probably should add I'm not always expected to pay expenses etc, sometimes we go Dutch, once or twice I've been spoilt too)

[Deleted Member]

@MzJax @eyemblacksheep my philosophy is lady first Domme second. I always like to pay for coffee, ...or tea, drinks, meals, tickets, dungeon hire -if asked, whatever else. But I will never ever send *** without meeting and establishing a connection first. I'd be put off by being asked to contribute to the use of someone's tools etc. It would feel like a transactional arrangement. A bit like expecting a vanilla date to pay a token gesture for a night at my house which I've worked hard for all my life. Now, buying new stuff "for us" if it got that far, I'd have no problem with either. 

Pro Dommes are different. They have a legitimate service which usually requires a deposit. I've seen a couple over the years. As wonderful as they are, and they really are fantastic people, it's just not right for me without that emotional heartfelt connection to make a future.