Is BDSM still BDSM when you take away the sex?

[ReflectorForHire]

I've been thinking about this lately:

A lot of what makes a BDSM scene powerful isn't necessarily the sexual part. It's attention, power, surrender, anticipation, trust, sensation, roles, ritual, the weird little things that can happen between two people when they're really present.

So where does BDSM end and something else begin?

Can a scene be genuinely transformative without being sexual? Or does taking the sex out of it change the nature of kink completely?

I'm interested in how other people experience this, especially those who use kink for something beyond getting off.

[Si****]

Yes, you are correct, BDSM is not about sex. Sex is a medium within BDSM.

[su****]

I think it could be separated from conventional sex. In the end it's a very psychological activity.
That being said it doesn't imply that after session it's high probably that one release itself

[To****]

I think it can still be BDSM without sex. Personally, I do enjoy the sexual side of kink, so I wouldn’t want to take sex out of my own dynamics completely😏

But I don’t think sex is only what defines BDSM. For me, it’s the power exchange, trust, roles and the connection between two people. Sex can be a part of that, but it doesn’t have to be present in every scene for the dynamic to be real.

Take away the sex and the BDSM can still be there. Take away the dynamic and the consensual power exchange, and I’m not sure what you’re left with.

That said, it works much easier in theory than in practice if one person wants the sexual side and the other doesn’t. Both people have to genuinely want the dynamic they’re building, otherwise it can become difficult pretty quickly😉

[Mi****]

Yes. Bdsm is still Bdsm without sex

[bl****]

To me BDSM is a confluence of mind, body and soul experiences. Yeah BDSM is incomplete without sex. Does that mean sex has to be physical, not really, I enjoy the ‘mental sexy’ aspects of the relationship, the submission, my dominance and the ever elusive, yet the most important aftercare.

[TigerEyes]

I'd say it's more than sex, in that for many, especially male submissives, it's about being lost in the occasion and the euphoria of pleasing your Mistress or Master. I think when two people really get in to a scene it becomes more intense and emotionally involved than sex can offer. There are of course those who need sex to complete the scene, probably monogamous couples, but I'd suggest that particular necessity was not as common as one might think.

[Ch****]

I actually thank you for posting this. BDSM is NOT sexual. The acronym does not contain the word sex nor anything inherently sexual. I’m an educator and a mentor and I do platonic play with my community. One of my main teaching points is the difference between BDSM and sexual play. BDSM can include sex or be a primer for sex but inherently it’s a connective experience that alone is non sexual.

[yo****]

That’s a real good question

[To****]

I think it can still be BDSM without sex. Personally, I do enjoy the sexual side of kink, so I wouldn’t want to take sex out of my own dynamics completely😏

But I don’t think sex is only what defines BDSM. For me, it’s the power exchange, trust, roles and the connection between two people. Sex can be a part of that, but it doesn’t have to be present in every scene for the dynamic to be real.

Take away the sex and the BDSM can still be there. Take away the dynamic and the consensual power exchange, and I’m not sure what you’re left with. That said, it works much easier in theory than in practice if one person wants the sexual side and the other doesn’t. Both people have to genuinely want the dynamic they’re building, otherwise it can become difficult pretty quickly😉

[ju****]

As an asexual person, I think kink and sex are very easy to separate, although it also depends on what someone considers “sex.” I don’t need sex for BDSM to feel complete or meaningful. Shibari, for example, often feels more like an art form to me than something inherently sexual. And there are psychological or emotional aspects of BDSM that I personally get far more from than sex.

I think BDSM becomes much easier to understand once sex, arousal, intimacy and kink aren’t treated as synonyms. They can overlap, but none of them automatically requires the others

[ch****]

I think its called being married, lol

[bl****]

3 minutes ago, chicago19010 said:

I think its called being married, lol

lol. Thats funny

[ey****]

BDSM doesn't have to incorporate sex at all

A lot of people enjoy it for the intimacy, feelings, etc etc etc rather than it being abour arousal or orgasm

The two biggest misconceptions about BDSM are (a) it's all about sex (b) it's got nothing to do with sex

even though a lot of people will say it's nothing to do with sex because, for them, it's not 

[Mi****]

So my take on this is that BDSM is a lifestyle. Sex is not so yes I would logically conclude that BDSM and sex are not codependent to be considered a true BDSM arrangement/relationship/lifestyle

[le****]

I have preferred BDSM with sex in the past. I prefer BDSM without sex at the moment. My BDSM has not changed. So ... yes.

[Pl****]

39 minutes ago, ChrisNotChris said:

I actually thank you for posting this. BDSM is NOT sexual. The acronym does not contain the word sex nor anything inherently sexual. I’m an educator and a mentor and I do platonic play with my community. One of my main teaching points is the difference between BDSM and sexual play. BDSM can include sex or be a primer for sex but inherently it’s a connective experience that alone is non sexual.

One hundred percent agree and will add that BDSM is more of a lifestyle than a kink. Thank you for articulating what I, myself, have trouble describing when talking about this.

[Ny****]

No it isn't fore play if there's no finish. It goes foreplay-> play play-> then finishing.


Sexual education is a little lacking up here in oregon....and this post shows it.

[Ve****]

Is BDSM!!

The concept is inside the pleasure of dominance and submission... Sensorial, SM, obedience inside consensual obedience is BDSM.

Sex is not a must!!!

[ju****]

28 minutes ago, Nylonzelda said:

No, it isnt. Its foreplay/teasing. Sex includes a finish.

I would take a sex education course before continuing with this app. Oregon lacks a lot on the education side and its understandable that you wouldn't understand.

“Sex includes a finish” really doesn’t work as a definition. By that logic, intercourse where nobody orgasms isn’t sex, while something you consider foreplay becomes sex the moment someone orgasms. More seriously, it would imply that a non-consensual sexual act without orgasm somehow wasn’t sexual.

Orgasm and sex aren’t synonyms. Maybe don’t tell people they need sex education because they don’t share your personal definition.

[Ch****]

46 minutes ago, Platinum_Iris said:

One hundred percent agree and will add that BDSM is more of a lifestyle than a kink. Thank you for articulating what I, myself, have trouble describing when talking about this.

Thank you for the kind words!!! Your area has a wonderful community and when I was west I had an amazing time there!!! Good luck to you on your journey and I hope you have an amazing time!

[Deleted Member]

50 minutes ago, Nylonzelda said:

No it isn't fore play if there's no finish. It goes foreplay-> play play-> then finishing.


Sexual education is a little lacking up here in oregon....and this post shows it.

Can you tell me where sex is included in BDSM? Do you know what it stands for without looking up the exact acronym? Sex may be included but its not part of the power exchange in BDSM.

[Ma****]

Nothing in the term BDSM even points to sex. So absolutely you can have BDSM without sex.

[Ma****]

Nothing in the term BDSM even points to sex. So absolutely you can have BDSM without sex.

[House_Voluntas]

None of that is about sex.