Characteristics of a good/safe Dom/Domme

[Deleted Member]

What would you classify as the key characteristics of a good Dom/Domme?

[TheBookCollector]

This rather an open question, like asking what are the best characteristics of a sexual partner, Everyone has a different set of characteristics they want.

Integrity, honesty and consistency are probably among the top characteristics, also a lack of ego and someone who doesnt make it about them or blame others when it goes wrong.

[Deleted Member]

Professionalism,caring,mutual agreement in do and do nots,aftercare

[Deleted Member]

39 minutes ago, TheBookCollector said:

This rather an open question, like asking what are the best characteristics of a sexual partner, Everyone has a different set of characteristics they want.

Integrity, honesty and consistency are probably among the top characteristics, also a lack of ego and someone who doesnt make it about them or blame others when it goes wrong.

I’m aware it’s open, it’s open in order to get responses from a range of people with a range of opinions. I was not asking for a specific universal set of answers. I’m interested in the perspectives of others.

[Cu****]

As others have already meantioned, and would add that you feel listened to, given focussed attention and admired, with politeness, privacy and discretion given, at all times.

[SimonEdi]

The slightly odd one i would throw in is like "willing to admit they make mistakes/arent perfect" not sure how to phrase it better but unless you are absolutely new to the scene you have probably had something go wrong, something not work right, something take an unexpected turn even if you are being very much a safe and cautious dominant.. 
  I have always find someone claiming to be totally infallable, to have never got anything wrong and are an absolute model of perfection for all of their years or decades in the scene... to just feel strange.. 
  Oh and i dont mean a major screw up but something you do remember be it a jammed cuff, a rope breaking, anything at all.. Things like that happen and you learn from them.. also i dont mean a mistake as in obviously negligent

[Deleted Member]

24 minutes ago, SimonEdi said:

The slightly odd one i would throw in is like "willing to admit they make mistakes/arent perfect" not sure how to phrase it better but unless you are absolutely new to the scene you have probably had something go wrong, something not work right, something take an unexpected turn even if you are being very much a safe and cautious dominant.. 
  I have always find someone claiming to be totally infallable, to have never got anything wrong and are an absolute model of perfection for all of their years or decades in the scene... to just feel strange.. 
  Oh and i dont mean a major screw up but something you do remember be it a jammed cuff, a rope breaking, anything at all.. Things like that happen and you learn from them.. also i dont mean a mistake as in obviously negligent

That’s a very good point to make, would’ve never thought of this actually.

[BigPolly]

Respectful, confidence & a good sense of humour.
In theory there is a whole list of things but for me personally they’re the key traits I look for.

[SophieSubSlut11]

Honestly, sincerity and at their a core - a really good human being. If they then also have the skills suited to the specific subs needs? Perfect! Someone who actively listens to you, delivers on what they say and care about your well-being at all times x

[Leisa]

Honesty, integrity, humility, and a sense of humor all pop to mind

[Deleted Member]

I think for me personally that would be someone with a decent amount of emotional intelligence and emotional resilience.
Someone who is skillful and creative, assertive and self-assured but not too arrogant to have fun and to learn. They should have their own kinky fantasies and genuinely enjoy domination.
Also, if they bring up the topic of limits and discuss safety in detail, it really helps to build my trust.

[mi****]

Start with being a good human being FIRST & FOREMOST.

[Taramafor]

We ALL have our dangers. Let's be realistic about this. Let's toss "good" out the window here. Moral highgrounds are dangious. Talented? A honest monster that is always in control and can value you and treat you well? Much better.

 

Missgigi is very on point. But I do know this one person. Always upbeat and positive. But they don't make the mistake of "escaping" with fun and happiness. They know better then that. They're the REAL deal. Ohhh, I'm seeing them tomorrow actually. On my birthday.

Always a good listener. Always seeks to understand. Always knows how to play. Always knows how to put me to use. Very giving. I didn't even have to ask. That's the best part.

... It's like I hit the jackpot. Someone that loves themselves to the point they love those around them. Not just as a "dom". But they know "control". Perhaps this is what they saw in me.

They say they do it because they enjoy being adored. Not just with me. They know others too. They know to take pride in themselves. To value themselves. Their biggest *** is a *** of not being able to make hard choices. Did a hyperthetical test with them of "I explain the situation. You say what you do." We just laughed about it. and I did put in some hard choices there. Line people against a wall. Who lives and dies? Apparently they made it about trying to get a coin from the hyperthetical leader. Bang, everyone dies. They're still focused on the coin. Dragons and their hoards, right? XD

Now, let's be realistic. MOST people you come across will be MUCH more flawed. YOU take charge. YOU control that. YOU can improve other people. While abiding to their choices and doing as you're told. This is what I do. It's how I learned to make the best from the worst.

 

So if you want to get good results and catch the eyes of those that know control then lead by that example. Those that KNOW control do NOT *** it (those are fakes). So look out for those that seem too... kind and perfect. The person I mention is near perfect. But the "fakes" are the ones that lie to themselves and avoid giving straight answers and changing topic after topic. Like they're afraid of being proven wrong when they can't focus when they are what they hate. It's clear to me when people WANT to improve but struggle too. Those that are "too good" are the ones I do not trust. too many lies. Too much ignorance.

 

Now, what if I said ***? yes, ***. What if the only way is to have two poisons and only one can be a cure? Now you're starting to get it I think. Someone that is good with control can quickly and efficently get through a situation. Keep it honest. Then move on and it's back to better things ASAP. I let people *** me. It gets results. Rejection is the path of misunderstandings. Acceptance is the path of answers. If you don't put up with BS, you can't deal with it. Doesn't mean let yourself get walked over. Just means face the situation for what it is.

 

Someone good at control can use the RIGHT wording to correct you. Even if you WANT to be right it doesn't make you right. Saying no to me? Saying I can't do this and that? Here's an example of "corrections".

"I can. And I did. What are you going to do about it?" As you can see it's the HONEST reply. It also gives options. Your choice. This keeps things honest. This keeps choice intact.

 

It's all in the corrections. The only reason I don't fall into that trap is because I did in the past. Learned to not fall into it again. People just assume I might. But I always correct them (when they ANSWER a question. Not afraid of being proven wrong now are you?) Provided they can face me. They BS me. I ask them. They contradict themselves. This will be about 90% of people. the 10% are those that suffered enough to know *** to that extent. Those that "always play" and are always honest. Always positive. But that kind of talent? It comes from suffering and ***. From breaking and being broken. I'm talking to the extent of Darth Vader in Star Wars. That's the kind of hell you have to go through to get that kind of skill. Think of Luke and Vader being there in the end though. Don't hold grudges and that's the result. If Luke was right he was right. If I'm right I'm right. Love gives. It doesn't take.

Perhaps the most important trait to look for is to see if people assume. And also look for "one sided" events. If someone goes "This person did the worst" yet says NOTHING of their own Accountbality then I'd treat that very carefully. Any time I challenge those people they end up proving they *** the worst. But if you're that good with control then why assume? Why end a message with letters instead of words as your control is clearly slipping away? Ohhhhh, that's right. They're AFRAID of losing control to the extent that they just have to control every little thing and *** hearing anything other then their own single viewpoint alone. Yes I have mine. What is yours? Oh, blocked. Shit listener then.

 

I have my flaws. But I'd never do that. I *** nothing anyone has to say to me. Why would I?

 

In other words, look for the doms that don't *** anything. Subs too. And people that aren't in labels. Just look for those that don't ***.

Edited September 13, 2021 by Taramafor

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Taramafor said:

We ALL have our dangers. Let's be realistic about this. Let's toss "good" out the window here. Moral highgrounds are dangious. Talented? A honest monster that is always in control and can value you and treat you well? Much better.

 

Missgigi is very on point. But I do know this one person. Always upbeat and positive. But they don't make the mistake of "escaping" with fun and happiness. They know better then that. They're the REAL deal. Ohhh, I'm seeing them tomorrow actually. On my birthday.

Always a good listener. Always seeks to understand. Always knows how to play. Always knows how to put me to use. Very giving. I didn't even have to ask. That's the best part.

... It's like I hit the jackpot. Someone that loves themselves to the point they love those around them. Not just as a "dom". But they know "control". Perhaps this is what they saw in me.

They say they do it because they enjoy being adored. Not just with me. They know others too. They know to take pride in themselves. To value themselves. Their biggest *** is a *** of not being able to make hard choices. Did a hyperthetical test with them of "I explain the situation. You say what you do." We just laughed about it. and I did put in some hard choices there. Line people against a wall. Who lives and dies? Apparently they made it about trying to get a coin from the hyperthetical leader. Bang, everyone dies. They're still focused on the coin. Dragons and their hoards, right? XD

Now, let's be realistic. MOST people you come across will be MUCH more flawed. YOU take charge. YOU control that. YOU can improve other people. While abiding to their choices and doing as you're told. This is what I do. It's how I learned to make the best from the worst.

 

So if you want to get good results and catch the eyes of those that know control then lead by that example. Those that KNOW control do NOT *** it (those are fakes). So look out for those that seem too... kind and perfect. The person I mention is near perfect. But the "fakes" are the ones that lie to themselves and avoid giving straight answers and changing topic after topic. Like they're afraid of being proven wrong when they can't focus when they are what they hate. It's clear to me when people WANT to improve but struggle too. Those that are "too good" are the ones I do not trust. too many lies. Too much ignorance.

 

Now, what if I said ***? yes, ***. What if the only way is to have two poisons and only one can be a cure? Now you're starting to get it I think. Someone that is good with control can quickly and efficently get through a situation. Keep it honest. Then move on and it's back to better things ASAP. I let people *** me. It gets results. Rejection is the path of misunderstandings. Acceptance is the path of answers. If you don't put up with BS, you can't deal with it. Doesn't mean let yourself get walked over. Just means face the situation for what it is.

 

Someone good at control can use the RIGHT wording to correct you. Even if you WANT to be right it doesn't make you right. Saying no to me? Saying I can't do this and that? Here's an example of "corrections".

"I can. And I did. What are you going to do about it?" As you can see it's the HONEST reply. It also gives options. Your choice. This keeps things honest. This keeps choice intact.

 

It's all in the corrections. The only reason I don't fall into that trap is because I did in the past. Learned to not fall into it again. People just assume I might. But I always correct them (when they ANSWER a question. Not afraid of being proven wrong now are you?) Provided they can face me. They BS me. I ask them. They contradict themselves. This will be about 90% of people. the 10% are those that suffered enough to know *** to that extent. Those that "always play" and are always honest. Always positive. But that kind of talent? It comes from suffering and ***. From breaking and being broken. I'm talking to the extent of Darth Vader in Star Wars. That's the kind of hell you have to go through to get that kind of skill. Think of Luke and Vader being there in the end though. Don't hold grudges and that's the result. If Luke was right he was right. If I'm right I'm right. Love gives. It doesn't take.

Perhaps the most important trait to look for is to see if people assume. And also look for "one sided" events. If someone goes "This person did the worst" yet says NOTHING of their own Accountbality then I'd treat that very carefully. Any time I challenge those people they end up proving they *** the worst. But if you're that good with control then why assume? Why end a message with letters instead of words as your control is clearly slipping away? Ohhhhh, that's right. They're AFRAID of losing control to the extent that they just have to control every little thing and *** hearing anything other then their own single viewpoint alone. Yes I have mine. What is yours? Oh, blocked. Shit listener then.

 

I have my flaws. But I'd never do that. I *** nothing anyone has to say to me. Why would I?

 

In other words, look for the doms that don't *** anything. Subs too. And people that aren't in labels. Just look for those that don't ***.

Thank you so much for this.

[Hy****]

Negotiating in a way that makes the sub consider how the scene might make them feel.


Negotiating what each side might need as aftercare.


Checking-in mid scene is also important.


The potential list is massive.

[Deleted Member]

On 9/10/2021 at 12:03 PM, telepakk said:

Professionalism,caring,mutual agreement in do and do nots,aftercare

👍👍👍👍👍