How Do New Subs Stay Safe?

[AKA_Copper]

How Do New Subs Stay Safe?

I know a lot about how to stay safe as a new sub: Take it slow. Use safe calls. Find a kink mentor. Stay true to your desires and needs. Don’t get involved in a new dynamic while you’re still drunk on sub frenzy don’t neglect your hard limits use your safeword be risk aware play sanely.

*polishes halo and smiles innocently like a Kink Goddess

Did I take it slow? Hell no. Did I use safe calls? Er... Did I stay true to my needs? No. I quaked in terror over all the new things I was about to try in private with an experienced Dom I felt I was in an intense relationship with.

*checks halo is still there

You, though? You should only let a Dom tie you in a hundred knots at parties where dungeon masters can keep you safe. You should keep it light just like I did… I mean didn’t.

I did everything wrong. Everything. 

*throws halo at the wall

So how can you stay safe in the scene? All I have is this list of things I was unwilling to do myself ☝️and let’s be honest. My safety rules are hardly complicated enough to require a PHD to understand them. We’re all adults. We know perfectly well how to be stupid—I mean smart.

Sure, there are a few tools and consent tricks the more experienced can teach us newbies, but I remember navigating my first BDSM relationship. I remember the niggling intuition that told me all about the evolved consent practices I would one day see others put into words and myself into practice.

So, new subs, of course people can tell you what a safe call is and where to find a play party. They can tell you about the difference between SSC, RACK and PRICK, but there’s a reason I won’t write about those topics. Call me cocky, call me naive,  whatever but they  were never enough for me, and maybe they won’t be enough for you either. What I needed was to hear peoples experiences and feelings, not just to see words on a screen that gave it to you black and white or as theory. But more than that, the thing I needed when I was so busy breaking all my own rules was trust in my own judgement.

I needed to listen to the quiet voice inside my head, because while others could tell me a lot of things about kink, they couldn’t teach me how to respect myself in a power-hungry dynamic. They couldn’t teach me how to trust my ***, how to hold space for myself or to speak up and voice my concerns.

What I needed back then were fewer rules, more self-esteem and a greater amount of confidence. Maybe I'm not alone in this thinking? Many, many subs struggle to say “no” to their Doms. They want to please. They want to… what’s the word again? Oh, yes: submit, so they do it no matter the cost to themselves.

Just like I did.

We’re *** when we’re new. Predatory Doms single us out and play on our desire to submit. When we do find it in ourselves to set limits, we often feel too guilty to uphold them. That screaming “no” in our heads is too easy to ignore, and so that’s what many of us do. ‘Round here, we call that being “unsafe to play with.” I was too unsafe to play with. If you cannot uphold your part of the consent deal by saying “no”, you’re in danger of harming your Dom and yourself.

How do new subs stay true to themselves? I don’t rightly know, but I do know this: If I can’t love myself, my submission will always be a broken thing, and only predatory Doms will want that. Sure, you can adopt Kink Goddess’ rules if you need a framework, I'm not saying otherwise but, don’t forget to work on your self-esteem and intuition. It’s the only infallible safety trick I know.

[Deleted Member]

When I was meeting people I would leta close friend know exactly what I was doing, where I was going and who I was going to see. I would tell them how long I would expect to be and to call me if I took longer, I also had two trigger words one for safe and one for danger. Then they'd know if they needed to take action.

[Daedeluss]

This, to me, is the fundamental phrase;
"What I needed back then were fewer rules, more self-esteem and a greater amount of confidence."

[Deleted Member]

Bit more serious this time and very much spot on. I have dished out such advice countless times to newbies in the Lobby all while a little voice in the back of my head whispers, " You didn't do this, did you, dumbass? And you're lucky as hell that you didn't have to pay for it."

[AKA_Copper]

40 minutes ago, Lady_Char said:

Bit more serious this time and very much spot on. I have dished out such advice countless times to newbies in the Lobby all while a little voice in the back of my head whispers, " You didn't do this, did you, dumbass? And you're lucky as hell that you didn't have to pay for it."

I wonder how many of us actually did our first time

[PurpleUno]

Thanks again for another educational post. 
This couldn't have been better timed for me. 
I really do appreciate the effort you post into posting! 

[AKA_Copper]

21 minutes ago, PurpleUno said:

Thanks again for another educational post. 
This couldn't have been better timed for me. 
I really do appreciate the effort you post into posting! 

Welcome

[Leisa]

Even though it was a long time ago I remember it vividly. I think even us more experienced subs remember that first time. That first Dom. Looking back I was very lucky to have had my first Dom be very patient and kind while showing me the ropes. When I started I told no one what I was doing or who I was doing it with. All they knew was that I was “dating” someone new and that I was excited. They didn’t understand why if I was so happy is go into a funk that would last a couple of days where I would cry for no reason. I had no one to talk to about subdrop and such. Hell, I didn’t even know what it was until much later. All I knew was that it was Monday and I was sad. Sad that I wouldn’t see him until the following Friday where the circle started all over again. I didn’t have a safe word in the beginning. Didn’t even know what that was. Thankfully he did and instilled the safety rules in place for me, for both of us.

The only advice I can give would be by hindsight because I didn’t follow my own rules for what I’d tell a sub now and you covered them beautifully. You’re right, the most important thing is to know yourself, know how far you want to go, bet your new Dom carefully, ask questions of them before you play, and engage in hours of conversation. Have the confidence to say no if that little voice in the back of your head is screaming. What’s the worst that happens? You find out he’s a not so great Dom who doesn’t understand and you move on.

[Nicky898]

This is such a great piece to read and totally get it, I hope more newbies see this 😁

[Pu****]

Thank you for sharing your insight, lots of people sub and Dom’s should take note and learn. Even at the more “extreme” end without a mutual respect the play, in my opinion, is hollow and not something that I for one would wish to be a part of.