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Munch Notes/Agenda - Wannabes - 22nd April 2021


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Munch Notes/Agenda – Wannabes – 22nd April 2021


Host:    @GoodGirl1003


Content Contributors:   @lil-monster  @PixieDust  @ChromeDom


Welcome everyone to tonight’s Quarantine Munch on the topic of Wannabes, thank you for joining us.


1.What is your definition of a wannabe?


•Someone who is clueless

•Pretends to be something they are not or pretends to have experience but have none

•Or a newbie starting out but doesn’t know where to start or what to do and fails to seek guidance and goes in blindly 


2. What are some of the red flags of wannabe Dom/me?


•Want you to submit straight away

•Want nude pictures for wank material

•Wants you to call them Sir/Master/Mistress/Miss/Goddess within minutes of chatting

•Won’t give you give you any back story/past

•Want to know all about you in one hit 

•Manipulation of conversation to direct back onto you to avoid answering question

•Giving you pet names straight away

•Don’t know simple BDSM terminology - SSC, RACK, PRICK

•A true Dom/me will never have to tell you they are Dom

•Heavy handed conversation

•Wannabe will want to control you from the get-go and if you don’t you’re not a submissive according them to them 

•Requesting ***, or gifts 

•Time specific chats – possible indication of husband or wife on the side who has no idea of external pursuits or activities

•Profile states single but you know they are married or there are indications that they are married such as suntan marks on hands left from wedding ring bands

•Check selfie pics as they could be fake photos 

•Confabulating – back tracking on story, things don’t gel , thinks don’t add up 


3. What are some or the red flags of a wannabe sub?


•Want to call you Sir/Master/Mistress/Miss/Goddess straight away

•Goading Dom/me for reaction and or upfront punishment after only knowing them a few days

•No limits - will say they have no limits 

•Window shopping for Dom/mes - chatting with many at once but playing them off against each other

•Agree to do anything but wont follow through

•Aggressive subs if you reject them – they become stalkerish 

•Similar to Dommes - profile states single but you know they are married or there are indications that they are married such as suntan marks on hands left from wedding ring bands

•Check selfie pics as they could be fake photos


4. How do we educate wannabe Dom/mes/subs?


•Refer them to The Four Pillars https://www.fetish.com/topic/18023-munch-notesagenda-–-the-four-pillars-in-bdsm-–-10th-september-2020/

•Refer them to SSC, RACK, PRICK principles

•Suggest they seek Mentorship from other Dom/me/subs

Fetish.com BDSM Training School https://bdsm-training-school.fetish.com/

•You are not going to marry someone you met at the supermarket yesterday, so why on earth would you want to OWN or let someone take OWNERSHIP of you in the same time frame!!!!! In other words, take your time getting to know someone


5. What type of damage can wannabe Dom/me’s unleash on an unsuspecting sub?


•Separate you from friends and family

•Only their opinion matters, what I say goes, you do as I say

•Narcissistic behaviour – belittling and berating you, making you feel like it’s your fault

•Ghosting – abandonment issues going forward

•Paperclipping - sliding in and out – which cause can distrust in future D/s  

•Not knowing what their true role is – flipping between them – causing the sub angst 

•Messing with your emotions – calling you not a real sub 

•The sub changes their personality in the aim of pleasing and not realising how much of themselves they have lost as a result.  

•Leave the sub shattered, unable to recover, in some cases damage irrevocable

•Leaving the sub with an Irrational *** of abandonment

•The sub stays with a physically or mentally/emotionally abusive Dom/me staying for the sake of pleasing or of being in service and not realising what they are being subjected to is just wrong on all counts. 


6. What type of damage can wannabe subs cause to an unsuspecting Dom/me?


•Ghosting – causing the Dom/me to question themselves

•Paperclipping – causing uncertainty and disillusionment 

•Manipulation – I will be your submissive if you do this, this and this for me or allow me to do this this this – again causing uncertainty and disillusionment 

•Causes Dom/me’s not to trust future subs who are genuine  

•Causes a Dom/me to hold a bit of themselves back


7. What does a wannabe Dom/me think a D/s dynamic is?


•The ability to order someone around with no consequences

•They don’t think and that’s half the problem

•They think its easy sex

•They instantly think they are poly and want multiple subs 

•They think its an instant D/s they don’t have to put in the groundwork, no need for the 4 Pillars, SSC, RACK, PRICK

•There is no such thing as a safe words or limits 

•The D/s is all about the Dom/me own needs and the sub is there purely as a plaything, toy, vessel etc etc the subs thoughts, ideas, needs not considered and are completely overlooked. 


8. What does a wannabe sub think a D/s dynamic is?


•Some subs just think they can find a quick get rich Sugar Daddy who will keep them financially secure and are only there for the *** and not the relationship

•Don’t really have to do as they are told

•It’s just a game to get attention 

•Just want the attention and or the dominance but not interested in any form of serious commitment 


9. What to do if you are getting unwanted attention from Dom/me/sub who will not take No for answer?


•Report profile – if you feel they are a fake or scammer

•Block profile – if they are not taking NO for an answer

•Send a no thanks message so they can’t contact you again


10. Do wannabe Dom/me's realise that BDSM is a close-knit community, especially here on Fetish.com and by messing around with subs alike do you think the wannabes understand the catalyst of what it starts?


•Submissives talk to each other. Bad name gets around, subs then avoid the Dom/me’s like plague 

•Submissive’s compare notes

•They think they are going to get what they want when they want but don’t realise their bad behaviour gets around. 

•Same patterns of behaviour are seen by those in the community - then the Dom tries to turn it back on the sub like it’s the subs’ fault and Dom/me does not take responsibility for anything 

•Causing unnecessary arguments and or drama in the chatrooms


11. Similar question but this time for wannabe subs who are messing around with Dom/mes. Do wannabe subs truly understand the issues they cause?


•Failure to learn from mistakes and repeating the same behaviour.  

•Dom/me’s talk to other sub name gets mentioned via general chit chat – word gets out – sub is Dom shopping

•Sub has several Dom/mes on the go at once causing more distrust in the community and with members in general

•Causing unnecessary arguments and or drama in the chatrooms


12. What questions should you be asking a potential Dom/me?


•How long have you been a Dom/me?

•How many subs have you had in the past?

•How did the relationship end, did you end on good terms? 

•Has all your previous D/s relationships been the same or have they differed over time?

•Does your potential Dom/me know what 4 Pillars, SSC, RACK, PRICK 

•Is your potential Dom/me opposed to continued education or do they embrace further education?

•Ask for a reference? Can you speak to a previous sub of theirs?


13. What questions should a Dom/me ask of potential sub?


•What previous D/s experience do they have?

•How long for have they been a sub for? 

•When did you first discover submissive tendencies?

•Do you have limits?

•What are your safe words? 

•Any triggers or previous trauma?

•What kinks & fetishes does the sub have? Are they similar to your own?What things do you have in common?

•General questions – getting to know the person as a person first, look at kink second

•How many kink/fetish/dating sites is the sub registered with?

•Is the sub looking for a real life or online D/s?


14. Are we overlooking the good Dom/mes and subs because the wannabes have ruined their perception? If so how?


•Left Dom/mes and subs alike broken in parts

•Unable to tell who is genuine or not, too many games played by others, skewed perception left

•Being polite can be seen as being disingenuous

•Taking interest can be seen as being nosy rather than generally interested

•A genuine delay in reply due to unforeseeable circumstances can be seen as ghosting 


15. How do we gain a healthier perception back?? 


•Take a break, gather thoughts

•Try to keep a sense a humour

•Revisit your protocols

•Take on a mentor 

•Talk to other friends/Dom/mes/subs

•Seek professional help and talk to a counsellor specialising in kink


16. What makes a good Dom/me?


•He/Shes keeps their ego in check, doesn’t need the title to feel Domly

•Doesn’t demand you call them by title within the first minutes of meeting

•Will always be approachable and listen to your concerns

•Will always have your best interests at heart

•Has honest and open communication

•Discusses limits and boundaries without judgement 

•Will show you the respect and loyalty

•They will have the ability to laugh at themselves and know they are not perfect by any means and will admit to their mistakes and discuss with you 


17. What makes a good sub?


•A good sub is loyal and trusting

•A good sub has honest and open communication

•Adheres to agreed upon limits and boundaries

•A good sub does not argue or act petulantly (unless part of the agreed upon dynamic), but stands up for his/herself on important matters. These matters should become part of boundary discussions.

•A good sub should always make their needs known, but their wants as secondary.


In any case, both Dom/mes and subs should both act as if their partners pleasure is of extreme importance.


18. With restrictions being lifted from lockdown how important is it to protect yourself with potential meets with wannabes?


•Tell someone where you are going

•Make sure you have a person to call you or message you ( pick out a safe word text message)Green – “I’m ok”……..Amber – “I’m still ok but I’m keeping my eye and being wary”……… - Red – “Get me the feck out of here, I’m in Danger”

•Meet in a public place

•Don’t lose track of time and keep your friend posted so they are not worried about you – make sure you message

•Don’t take them home, especially if you have children, make sure you vet them thoroughly first


19. What is the funniest thing a wannabe has said to you?


20. Have you ever been a wannabe but now finally found your feet and feel genuine in the community? 


21. Any final thoughts and or questions?



Very informative. Gutted i missed this one but sounds like it was a great discussion xxx

Really good insightful post, useful to both newbs and the more experienced

Thank you it was from a munch we did back in April only just getting the questions up now, but I agree it's definitely good for newbies.

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