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Submission is...ALL the power


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Posted
Who thought this statement up, and preaches it like gospel so that new kinksters take it to heart and pass it on?

I mean, I once believed it but, believe me when I say I never felt ALL powerful. You wouldn't have called me Supergirl let alone Superwoman and I didn't want to be. I specifically wanted to give that up, at least in part. Isn't that the point?


In case we've read too many memes on insta, let me explain my thinking on this.

Power in any relationship (D/s or otherwise) is more complex than the statement of "A B or C holds all the power" Duluth agrees.

Power should be shared. It's what makes relationships healthy.

Each time I hear different I'm in danger of my eyes getting stuck looking back, inside my head each time I roll my eyes in case the wind changes at the same time.

Examples I've heard,

"If a submissive has a safeword then they have the power in the relationship because if they use it the Dominant has to stop. They can leave the relationship at any time just by revoking the power they have surrendered."

Yep, okay.

This is true.

This is a form of power.

However, are we forgetting the submissive is not the only one who can have a safeword? The Dom/me can safeword too.

Or, just stop.

Or, refuse to continue.

Or, end the relationship.

So, this is a tie? Equal power?

I also heard,

"If you break the sub's rules/hard limits, that they made, that qualifies as ***"

Well, yes it does, or at least a consent ***, possibly an assault, depends.

But, if the sub breaks a Dom/me's rules in the same way, it is also *** or a consent *** or an assault. I can't see a power imbalance here.

So, another tie? Equal power?

The last one,

"The submissive can just leave the relationship, displaying the ultimate power she has over the Dominant."

I think it's safe to say that we aren't suggesting that the Dom/me can't leave a relationship for the same reasons or none at all, agree?

Perfect.

So, yet another tie? Equal power?

I'm just making the point that any power in a D/s relationship is freely given and able to be revoked, at any time, for any reason or, for no reason at all, by either side of the slash.

That's called ethics.
Its called consent.
It's called an equal partnership.

The only difference is, that the submissive makes a conscious decision to give up some of their power to the Dom/me.

Therefore, the Dom/me has more power.

But, not "all" the power. 😉

As a sub, I choose to submit to the will of a Dom etc etc for the relationship to continue/evolve.

However, the Dom has their own power, the power of their convictions, boundaries and rules as well as the power I give them and so more.

I know I'm gonna come under fire for this one so, what am I missing?
Posted
No fire from me, it sums up perfectly how I feel - in fact the only thing I'd disagree with (and I'm being really really pedantic here!!) is the fact you used the word "she" when referring to submissives, when all of the above applies equally to us male submissives too - not making that distinction to be pedantic necessarily, but for the benefit of those that may read it and think there's a difference, especially as I am sure there will be male submissives who actually think they have no power or are willing to give it up completely out of desperation.

Beyond that though, I agree completely - the balance of power *should* be equal, it may manifest itself in different ways on both sides of the coin, and there may be points where the balance tips slightly in one direction or the other, but at all times it's within the reach of *all* sides to balance it out again.

The "submissives hold all the power" mantra is one I simply cannot buy into, for all the reasons you state and more.
Posted
1 minute ago, gemini_man said:
No fire from me, it sums up perfectly how I feel - in fact the only thing I'd disagree with (and I'm being really really pedantic here!!) is the fact you used the word "she" when referring to submissives, when all of the above applies equally to us male submissives too - not making that distinction to be pedantic necessarily, but for the benefit of those that may read it and think there's a difference, especially as I am sure there will be male submissives who actually think they have no power or are willing to give it up completely out of desperation.

Beyond that though, I agree completely - the balance of power *should* be equal, it may manifest itself in different ways on both sides of the coin, and there may be points where the balance tips slightly in one direction or the other, but at all times it's within the reach of *all* sides to balance it out again.

The "submissives hold all the power" mantra is one I simply cannot buy into, for all the reasons you state and more.

Damn it! And i made a point of typing out Dom/me

Posted
Very well said. The only power anyone has over another person I what is given. Regardless of the role. So much emphasis seems to be placed on power (and who had it) these days. Personally, I think that more time spent being worthy of the other person and being a partner to them is the most important thing. Be equal in whatever role you choose and make sure you are bringing enough to the table to justify the devotion and (dare I say it) love you get in return. But hey, what the fuck do I kn.
Posted (edited)

In any balanced and healthy relationship, there is a nice give and take. I think you could not have made it more apparent.🧚🏻‍♀️

Edited by Dustykat
Posted (edited)

I prefer "Authority Transfer" over Power Exchange as it highlights or suggests control is fluid and not fixed.

Edited by Koby
Word changing
Posted
Well said.
We do share the power for most parts, or at least in a healthy D/s, for me, it’s the beauty that the s is the strongest of us all, in that they give so much of theirselves on so many levels yet, step out of line and just like that they walk away without a backward glance, or at least I hope they do!
They hold the key to it all. I’m my opinion.
Posted
24 minutes ago, Aimil2019 said:
Well said.
We do share the power for most parts, or at least in a healthy D/s, for me, it’s the beauty that the s is the strongest of us all, in that they give so much of theirselves on so many levels yet, step out of line and just like that they walk away without a backward glance, or at least I hope they do!
They hold the key to it all. I’m my opinion.

Yet all of that could equally be applied to a dominant - there may be differences but the ability to walk away is just the same, they still have a level of strength through their control that they give and can equally take away.

Posted
1 hour ago, Koby said:

I prefer "Authority Transfer" over Power Exchange as it highlights or suggests control is fluid and not fixed.

I like the idea of the word 'transfer', a much better description

Posted

There is a sub who I sometimes play with.

If they ask if I will come over to play and I don't have the time, budget*, or mood then I say no.  I have the power there.  (*they live local-ish.  But certainly the cost in trains and public transport is comparable to a week's shopping) 

They have a structure which is important to them as part of play.  This is non negotiable.  We both have the power there. Because I (or another Dominant) cannot play if we don't abide this structure - but - if I'm not feeling that then I can decline playing.

They have a broad range of likes I can move freely within.  They have the control in the sense they have set those boundaries. I have the control as I can pick and choose what I do, or do not, do.

They have things they wish to explore including curious about and soft limits.   This is again boundary setting.  But, there are a couple of things I will not do. That is my control. That is my boundaries.  There are also things on there I will do.  On my terms. When I want.  That is also my control.

Whilst it's a 'gift' or whatever that they wish to play or explore with me. Something I value.

They are also getting my time, expertise and so on.

If I turned up at their house and they said "Actually, I'm not feeling it" that would be entirely their control. But, if I turned up at their house or woke up that morning and wasn't feeling it - that's entirely my control. 

Arguably. There is a slight edge of control tilted towards me in the above.  Because while I can't do anything on their limits.  I don't have to embrace the things they most enjoy either.

Posted
3 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Yet all of that could equally be applied to a dominant - there may be differences but the ability to walk away is just the same, they still have a level of strength through their control that they give and can equally take away.

Yes I’m aware, however I feel it’s different.
Not because I’m female, I’ve walked many times when it no longer serves me.

Dancingbear225
Posted

Who has the power in the Dom/sub dynamic? I honestly believe that the dynamic is more complex than any meme can illustrate. Speaking only for myself I think the majority of the responsibility in the relationship is held by the Dom. It's their job to plan, lead and make certain the sub feels safe, secure and loved. The sub willingly gives up control to their Dom because pleasing gives them pleasure and obedience makes them feel free to be themselves. But for this dynamic to function trust is fundamental between the Dom and the sub. That is my take in any case. Would love to read more discussion.

Posted

I think you can really spice things here - if you remove D/s

And say, in a hetero vanilla couple - who holds the power?   And if you think it is an equal footing then you're not looking deep

For example - who decides which TV/Broadband package the household has and is it paid from a sole or household account?   How much does each person pay into the household account?  For example if both pay the same but earn different amounts there's already a power element at play because the person earning less now has less disposable income.  

Equally if top broadband or extra TV channels are paid for does it benefit one person over the other (i.e. sports, gaming, etc) 

If there's a family situation can one person just go out for beers - and - does the other effectively need to ask their partner to babysit, i.e. ask for permission, to go out for drinks with friends.

And there's so many other angles like shopping budgets, or where to shop - so on.  

Oh, and then of course there's any division of housework and if that is actually "fair" 

---

The answer of course there is a lot varies from household to household and there's often not a perfect system

Same is true for D/s

  • 2 years later...
we****
Posted
December 5, 2021, Dancingbear225 said:

Who has the power in the Dom/sub dynamic? I honestly believe that the dynamic is more complex than any meme can illustrate. Speaking only for myself I think the majority of the responsibility in the relationship is held by the Dom. It's their job to plan, lead and make certain the sub feels safe, secure and loved. The sub willingly gives up control to their Dom because pleasing gives them pleasure and obedience makes them feel free to be themselves. But for this dynamic to function trust is fundamental between the Dom and the sub. That is my take in any case. Would love to read more discussion.

I expect my sub to work just as hard as I do. To serve is precious, the fact our culture has devalued the people who do it is not the error of the sub. As a Dominant person I see it as my role to value the slightest of services I am offered

  • 1 month later...
Wolfmandave83
Posted

The key point it's voluntary control surrender not power 

 

If there is no balance there is something wrong or atleast should be looked more closely together...

 

It should be mutual melding of minds not only body's...

 

I am sure anyone who ever has been in something or still in something longterm the reason it works is a mutual balance of control, feelings, wants and desires so if this gets thrown off is why things go wrong?  

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