Ghosting

[Deleted Member]

About 30 years ago you couldn't just join the community. You had to know an insider who introduced you, and you got a mentor who showed you the ropes. This has changed significantly with the advent of the internet. Anyone can join a site and call it a member of the community. This is not the only change the internet has brought about, because a new kink/fetish has also been added to the repertoire, ghosting.

[ey****]

Forgive me, but I'm not entirely sure how the two are remotely connected.

But on the former point - there are still 'invite only' clubs and meets which are not advertised.   But largely one of the big difference is less so internet and more so changing social attitudes.  The reason for a lot of the hush hush invite only stuff at the time was because such meets were likely to be closed down by the authorities.  So you wanted to try to make sure you were only inviting people that wouldn't attract the press or police (either out and out grassing up; or reporting crimes should they be ***d) whereas now the invite only meets is largely about curating guests to those people most wanted to spend time with.

On the latter - people 'ghost' for a lot of different reasons and, yeah, it sucks.  No matter what the reason.  But it's not usually done through any form of "kink or fetish" but any form of change of heart, or personal circumstances.

But, for a random tattle.  20 years ago, like a lot of ***agers I'd be going out to clubs and meeting young ladies and swapping phone numbers.  And sometimes this went somewhere (I mean, one such lady became my first wife) and sometimes, y'know, the next morning she would sober up and go "Oh, yeah - what was I doing" and you'd phone them up and they'd not answer until you gave up - or - there'd be another spin off.  The most bizarre one being someone who got her mam to answer to say she'd ran away from home (?!) and another where the lady did pick up and was honest and was like "I'm really sorry - I got carried away, I actually have a boyfriend and shouldn't have been messing with you - I'm sorry" (we did actually become good friends - so, hey!) 

And these are all pretty much examples of ghosting. Perhaps it's easier now you can simply not reply a thread or hit ignore - there's also the advantage that if you don't already both go to the same clubs there is no awkwardness a week or two later where you bump into each other and it's "Hey, you didn't answer my calls" which makes it awkward for both of you.

Like; it sucks. But let's not pretend it's a newly created thing. It's just, different.

[DarkEmpr3ss]

Ghosting is not a kink/fetish, I think you misunderstand what ghosting actually is and why it happens.
Also if you have a problem you're free to leave, this app works for a lot of people, no need to project onto others.
And isn't better accessibility to more people a good thing? A safe community to ease yourself into with plenty of help and support.

[Deleted Member]

Unless the 'ghosting' is something agreed upon between a dom & sub then I wouldn't really class it as a kink or fetish but rather, if one person is just ghosting the other randomly, class it as a disorder, one maybe from commitment issues or one from a more sadistic & manipulative personality disorder.

[ey****]

There's a lot of good articles about ghosting - some I kinda agree with, some I don't. Like a lot of things, some contradict.

For the best part
Don't take things personally

But some of the common reasons are

- they're just not that into you
And found it difficult to write, "you seem nice - but I can't see things working with us"

That, also, writing that does often invite a comeback or a conversation they're no longer interested in having

- dating has become less of a priority
a whole bunch of things could have happened in their life which makes, not just you, but dating in general, less of a priority.

- they met someone else
or are in advance conversations with someone else. It might even be you're still a background option, or it might not.  But again it can be difficult to write "I'm talking to someone else who seems more of a match for what I want"

- too much time passed
they read your message, meant to reply, didn't. And now it's a week or two later and they think "oh fuck" and find it difficult to reply.
ALSO - it could be you are not being ghosted, just that replying to you is not a priority at that second.

- you may have deeply offended them
which could be by something you said either in the convo or elsewhere. Like on a forum complaining about being ghosted.  Who knows.

Some of the articles are very "this is not about you - it's about them" which I'm two minds on, but, if it's what the authors believe then being ghosted dodged them a bullet, no?

[Deleted Member]

55 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

There's a lot of good articles about ghosting - some I kinda agree with, some I don't. Like a lot of things, some contradict.

For the best part
Don't take things personally

But some of the common reasons are

- they're just not that into you
And found it difficult to write, "you seem nice - but I can't see things working with us"

That, also, writing that does often invite a comeback or a conversation they're no longer interested in having

- dating has become less of a priority
a whole bunch of things could have happened in their life which makes, not just you, but dating in general, less of a priority.

- they met someone else
or are in advance conversations with someone else. It might even be you're still a background option, or it might not.  But again it can be difficult to write "I'm talking to someone else who seems more of a match for what I want"

- too much time passed
they read your message, meant to reply, didn't. And now it's a week or two later and they think "oh fuck" and find it difficult to reply.
ALSO - it could be you are not being ghosted, just that replying to you is not a priority at that second.

- you may have deeply offended them
which could be by something you said either in the convo or elsewhere. Like on a forum complaining about being ghosted.  Who knows.

Some of the articles are very "this is not about you - it's about them" which I'm two minds on, but, if it's what the authors believe then being ghosted dodged them a bullet, no?

I really like the way you highlight here that sometimes people ghost because they find it difficult to give an uncomfortable reply like I'm really not into you / I've left this too long and now it's awkward etc. It's not you, is me is a cliche, but sometimes it's true. Ghosting is not always the result of assholery, sometimes it's genuine anxiety or social awkwardness. Should they be grown up about it and do the decent thing and respond? Yes. Do we always do the grown up thing? No, sometimes do we duck it bc today we just can't...

[Psuedom]

 

Communication, Honesty, Trust & Respect... Ghosting has nothing to do with any of these. 🖕

[ey****]

9 hours ago, Charmander said:

I really like the way you highlight here that sometimes people ghost because they find it difficult to give an uncomfortable reply like I'm really not into you / I've left this too long and now it's awkward etc. It's not you, is me is a cliche, but sometimes it's true. Ghosting is not always the result of assholery, sometimes it's genuine anxiety or social awkwardness. Should they be grown up about it and do the decent thing and respond? Yes. Do we always do the grown up thing? No, sometimes do we duck it bc today we just can't...

Absolutely.

On paper the "right" thing to do might be to be as truthful as possible : but sometimes this can be something that seems hurtful.

Sometimes it can be easier to duck out a conversation than try to put into words, "I'm just not interested in you" particularly as there's also guys who bitch when after so much conversation that happens.

It might be that they started the conversation, then found they're not interested and worried it will seem like they're leading them on.

But also often there are people who ghost because they feel the other person isn't, or is no longer interested.    Perhaps they found they were carrying most of the conversation and are finding it tiring - and that the last response sitting there is one that doesn't feel like a warranted response.

On paper...

"Hey, I started talking to you cos I'm told it's polite to reply to messages and you seem to be not awful.  Unfortunately, I'm just not really interested in you. I wish you luck in finding a partner" is easier to write than it actually is.  And, there's probably even more risk to damaging esteem.

[Deleted Member]

December 25, 2021, Deleted profile said:

Unless the 'ghosting' is something agreed upon between a dom & sub then I wouldn't really class it as a kink or fetish but rather, if one person is just ghosting the other randomly, class it as a disorder, one maybe from commitment issues or one from a more sadistic & manipulative personality disorder.

I do agree with some of the comments. However, ghosting is most definitely a sign of emotional immaturity.

[CopperKnob]

2 hours ago, naughtynat said:

I do agree with some of the comments. However, ghosting is most definitely a sign of emotional immaturity.

Not always. Sometimes its a protective factor. If there are red flags in the early stages of a conversation and I haven't learnt enough about the person to determine how they'll take rejection, and lets be honest some of us can't manage our emotions, I'll ghost. My safety is more important than providing an explanation to someone

[Deleted Member]

Of course our own safety is always a priority I agree. I’m not saying you need to provide a detailed explanation, but surely it’s kinder to just say “look this isn’t working for me etc…” I find ghosting can be particularly hurtful to the other person and leaves them questioning themselves when they haven’t necessarily done anything particularly wrong. If there is no connection or red flags, is it not better to maybe disconnect in another way…and of course if they are particularly offensive it’s somewhat a different scenario.

[Deleted Member]

Ghosting is not a new thing. Before the internet, it was avoiding text messages. Before mobile phones, it was not returning calls. (Remember the invention of 1471? We knew you knew we called!) People have been avoiding awkward interactions for eons, and some people find saying, look thanks but no thanks uncomfortable. Does it suck? Yes. Is dealing with it just part of being a grown up and trying to date? Yup.

[Deleted Member]

Yes I agree it’s not a new thing, surely expression and good communication is part of being a grown up too. Which is really all it takes…

[ey****]

as I've also recently said elsewhere

a non-response isn't necessarily ghosting

if someone sends a message and it's difficult you continue the conversation from it, it's not ghosting if you don't try to carry it

if someone sends a message and, there and then, you cannot reply (either you are busy, about to leave the house, or need time to think about it) then it is not ghosting to leave someone on read - but also because a lot of people have such active lives sometimes it might be you don't reply to someone because you either forgot or thought you had

there's rarely anything to stop someone a couple of days later giving a polite prod especially if via a check in

[CopperKnob]

30 minutes ago, naughtynat said:

Of course our own safety is always a priority I agree. I’m not saying you need to provide a detailed explanation, but surely it’s kinder to just say “look this isn’t working for me etc…” I find ghosting can be particularly hurtful to the other person and leaves them questioning themselves when they haven’t necessarily done anything particularly wrong. If there is no connection or red flags, is it not better to maybe disconnect in another way…and of course if they are particularly offensive it’s somewhat a different scenario.

And its that scenario that i'm talking about. If it escalates your whole world can be turned upside down. No one knows that better than my cousin right now. Her experience has given me reason to change how I behave. Yes it's nice to provide an explanation but if I think I need to end a conversation without providing the other person a rationale there'll be a valid reason behind it.
I get 'ghosted' all the time. I assume that the other person is no longer interested. I might feel a little hurt by it and I may wonder what happened if I wasn't prepared for it but thats life. I'm an adult and i move on.

[Deleted Member]

I’m fairly certain no one has been talking about non-responses. The conversation was regarding ghosting. Which implies there has already been communication.

[ey****]

1 minute ago, naughtynat said:

I’m fairly certain no one has been talking about non-responses. The conversation was regarding ghosting. Which implies there has already been communication.

yep - but people call it ghosting when someone hasn't responded

so they've been having a conversation and then a scenario like I describe above happened. The other person might accuse them of ghosting but in reality continuing the conversation isn't a priority 

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

And its that scenario that i'm talking about. If it escalates your whole world can be turned upside down. No one knows that better than my cousin right now. Her experience has given me reason to change how I behave. Yes it's nice to provide an explanation but if I think I need to end a conversation without providing the other person a rationale there'll be a valid reason behind it.
I get 'ghosted' all the time. I assume that the other person is no longer interested. I might feel a little hurt by it and I may wonder what happened if I wasn't prepared for it but thats life. I'm an adult and i move on.

My response was not to your reply, it came through with eyeblacksheep. So my response was to him. I wasn’t aware you were talking about an exact scenario. Yes I agree. However I was just defining in my last message, no replies and ghosting are two different actions. Have a good weekend.

[Deleted Member]

14 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

yep - but people call it ghosting when someone hasn't responded

so they've been having a conversation and then a scenario like I describe above happened. The other person might accuse them of ghosting but in reality continuing the conversation isn't a priority 

Ghosting and non replies have different definitions I think. You too have a good weekend.

[ey****]

yes they're two different things

but the problem is too many people call non-replies 'ghosting'

[Deleted Member]

29 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

yes they're two different things

but the problem is too many people call non-replies 'ghosting'

I agree. I’m aware of the difference between the two. Thank you

[SubFU]

1 hour ago, Lady_Char said:

Ghosting is not a new thing. Before the internet, it was avoiding text messages. Before mobile phones, it was not returning calls. (Remember the invention of 1471? We knew you knew we called!) People have been avoiding awkward interactions for eons, and some people find saying, look thanks but no thanks uncomfortable. Does it suck? Yes. Is dealing with it just part of being a grown up and trying to date? Yup.

Spot on,Lady_Char,ghosting is immature and as adults,we must face uo to difficult situations♡

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, SubFU said:

Spot on,Lady_Char,ghosting is immature and as adults,we must face uo to difficult situations♡

I think you’re confused darling

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, naughtynat said:

I think you’re confused darling

You’re saying ghosting is immature etc…yet you’re agreeing with someone that openly admits to doing it 🤷🏼‍♀️

[SubFU]

I think your confused darling!!!!Facing up to a situation is important.What was being said was that as an adults,we need to face up to situations.Whatever situation we are dealing with,thats what i was agreeing with,whether the lady ghosts or not.I hope this helps you,a little.Thank you so much for your patronising post,very,very much appreciated!!!