Getting to the heart of it

[Deleted Member]

A question for all members to contribute to. I’ve been in and around the bdsm world for many years. Dom/sub isn’t my fetish, but it seems to be the main fetish on here.

So, a question.

Ladies, are you looking for a man who will beat you in the bedroom but will be equal in day to day life?

Men, do you honestly believe your sub is your equal outside the bedroom (please be honest)?

[Dustykat]

I believe that in my bedroom dynamic I am the submissive one but in life we are equals and there is only submission if I let it happen or else there is nothing, some might say I'm in control of our sex life 🧚‍♀️

[Dustykat]

And by the way, I only submit to someone worthy of my submission 🧚🏻‍♀️

Edited January 24, 2022 by Dustykat
Spellcheck

[Ae****]

Yeah outside and within sex, a sub is equal to me in a sense. No better, no worse, no more, no less, with some areas of weakness where I may be superior, and some areas of strength that I admire and appreciate. We are matching halves that help eachother.

Yeah honestly. Of course. Mutual respect etc.

She gets used and treated like property but it's all part of a mutually enjoyable and even nurturing agreement that we have about what we both love.

[Deleted Member]

It’s just role play for me, I think that’s why we use terms like “playing” (a role) and “scenes.” Outside that unique and purposeful situation, we’re just two normal people.

And I think that’s actually the norm even in a vanilla sex life. You put on a different persona for intimate encounters… can you imagine if people acted like they do when they fuck in every day life? There’s always some element of trust and power control, even if it’s not explicitly bdsm sex

[ge****]

Your post appears to be aimed at a M/f dynamic but as a male submissive I don't believe there's a difference based on gender and for me I believe D/s is a two sides of the same coin thing, so equality underpins the relationship regardless - yes the balance of control may tip at specific times, but the equality is still there.

[Cheekysub247]

Im submissive in everything, so spills out the bedroom into everyday life. Its not role play for me, this is who i am and what i do. Some things are obviously bedroom related but others (mostly others) are not. There would always be rules and structure in everything. 😊
As for being equal, its a partnership, a relationship, but i will personally be at the bottom, but cared for and loved, he will be at the top, cared for and loved.

[typhoon2]

My playmates are people first and foremost. Roles are agreed and informed, enthusiastic consent maintained throughout. They are very much my equals.

[Fetishlover45]

For me in my view for what its worth, is that both the dom and sub are always equal both in the bedroom (when they play) and normal every day life.

It all comes down to one word... TRUST

In most dom/ sub fet situations you do or say things to each other that you wouldnt say in any other situation, its all about getting into the right mindset. 

Both (or more), people involved have to trust each other to respect each others do/ dont's and things like safewords.   

[Deleted Member]

Subs are equals everywhere, they are people and in some respects as subs, should be treated as more than equal by the Dom…
Also it is not about beating subs, this could be a hard limit for some, it is about the mind games….
Each and everyone of us Dom or Sub has our personal wants and likes….

[Koby]

At the very foundations of my relationship, my partner is my equal.

I know in other people's fantasy world, women are viewed as less than. But in my view, it takes an equal amount of strength to submit as it is to dominate.

Lastly, part of the thrill of dominance is the chase of a confident independent lady, no one truly wants a doormat or a lame ducky.

[Cheekysub247]

Lets face it some will want it equal some wont, ive spoken to many who enjoy the 'doormat' type, they want that only, and those who need to be it. 

Either way is not wrong, just different 

[ey****]

I think also this overlooks that - for some people any form of D/s is only for bedroom or playtime - for others it extends into other areas of life.  There's no right/wrong or "better" here - it is just what works in the dynamic.

Either side of the slash - I don't think I'd want to play with someone I saw as being lesser than me (or myself lesser than them) overall.   There is a great strength in trust and submission that should never be underrated. 

[Firefox_]

Personally like the D/S (DD/LG)out side of the bedroom too. I see us as equals as we both are consenting to it, if that makes sense. but I enjoy leaning on my doms in life stuff too

[ol****]

I would say, to add to what has been said, that for me it's more equal outside of a scene, play, bedroom (depending on whichworks for you).

[Deleted Member]

Really interesting, well thought out replies. Thanks people, I think I better understand the dynamic. 

[ca****]

...and then begs the question as to 'what is equal'  ??

I suppose i am posing that question from a wider perspective than the original question....   but when you think about it.. what is equal ?  where does it start and how far does it go...    what do 'yuo' apply equality to?!

[SammyB]

Ds and bdsm looks different for every dynamic or relationship - it’s is totally unique and cannot be compared 

The word beat was used but not every submissive or every dominants gives or takes a beating - again it depending on the dynamic or relationship 

Some have traditional core values and conform to protocols etc while others don’t believe in labels and have freedom to explore - this is the joy of the lifestyle and community we operate in 

Ds is in my opinion an equal partnership where one leads and one follows  

Ultimately as I say often there is no submission without dominance and no dominance without submission 

 

 

[ol****]

3 hours ago, callipygian said:

...and then begs the question as to 'what is equal'  ??

I suppose i am posing that question from a wider perspective than the original question....   but when you think about it.. what is equal ?  where does it start and how far does it go...    what do 'yuo' apply equality to?!

I'll try to answer that.

I notice in a lot of vanilla relationships that there is actually no equality at all. I see *** used as a means of control along with a lot of gaslighting and other forms of verbal ***.

When I said above that D/s is more equal this is what I was eluding to. With D/s each partner knows where they are (or should) and draws strength from that bond. Time is spent talking about and defining the relationship and the limits. for me that engenders the mutual respect often missing in the vanilla world.

[ca****]

Appreciate your reply and take on things.  

And i get the 'each partner knows where they are.....   I think that is a v strong element.

I 'expect' the *** elements and the gaslighting happens in many walks of life....  which is possibly where my question was 'angling' potentially outside of kink, BDSM, personal relationships and into other elements of life.....  

[Deleted Member]

Whatever the label sub, Dom etc…. Always equals as people even if play seems to elevate one over the other. Dynamics should satisfy and elevate all involved and I believe this is achieved more in bdsm dynamics over vanilla. 

[Charms]

10 hours ago, oldfellow said:

I'll try to answer that.

I notice in a lot of vanilla relationships that there is actually no equality at all. I see *** used as a means of control along with a lot of gaslighting and other forms of verbal ***.

When I said above that D/s is more equal this is what I was eluding to. With D/s each partner knows where they are (or should) and draws strength from that bond. Time is spent talking about and defining the relationship and the limits. for me that engenders the mutual respect often missing in the vanilla world.

In a former none kink relationship I was verbally an emotional ***d. I have more love an freedom an support now I'm in a kink dynamic.

 

At masters home I'm submissive but only if I'm feeling OK as I have fibromailger an trigeminal nurolga. If at masters either 1 of them is playing up or both master is no longer master. He takes on the role as my career.  Same as if masters not feeling well kink things does not happen at all.

 

I do have rules master as set out that I must stick to every day. But most are to make sure I'm healthy an also help with my ocd. Some are just things he wants. A few I'd rather not have but I knew that  agreeing to be his sub. For example  I'm into body modification an there are a few witch to some are extream. To me I think are just body mods. Master says no.

 

Although Saturday speaking to my amazing pircer she advised no more body mods until Dr's have fount out things I'm being tested for.