So you want to meet a Domme

[Ae****]

Sunday at 04:46 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

In a lot of cases though; it's not the blind leading the blind

it's true that a lot comes down to different opinions and interpretations - but I think one of the things often being juggled is that anything like "How do I find a Domme", "a sub", "a unicorn", "someone who will..." there isn't actually a surefire solution.

A lot comes from what either has worked for them, or, the behaviour they'd like to see from potential suitors

There is advice that can increase people's chances and there are warnings to heed of behaviours that will decrease your chances but no solution because you can't control someone else to give the response you want (well, not outside of a consensual existing D/s relationship)

Because of this a lot of advice either ends up being generic or deemed negative "don't do this", "don't do that", "really don't do that" and someone following even the BEST guide still has zero guarantees of the results they want through reasons possibly beyond their control.

In terms of finding a Domme, mind, the simplest advice is that more women would be "into it" if it *actually* benefited them rather than being expected to perform out someone else's fetishes on command.

The other thing of course is while it's easy of course to criticise negative behaviours without offering a surefire solution, it's also really easy to criticise writings for being one way or another without actually offering anything supportive.

Finding someone is hard.  It really is. Adding caveats makes things harder and so "she must be a Domme" and "this is the type of outfits I like" and "I hope our fetishes are compatible" and then add in all the vanilla world compatibilities and it really is something where patience needs to be applied.

Also that all relationships need work, any form of kink based or D/s relationship needs even more work so there has to be some form of demonstration you will put your side of the work in.  And while people say this is about holding men to higher standards (like that is somehow a bad thing?) or making people jump through hoops or so on so forth - it's men who've already signalled they want a certain type of relationship : otherwise they'd just date Sharon from Accounts (poor Sharon) but they don't because she's not a Domme, doesn't match their fantasies and when they went on a date Sharon liked said person but didn't have the time, energy or enthusiasm to learn about kink relationships.  Men are already asking for more from a relationship when they want kink involved. 

🌲

[ey****]

from another spin

if tomorrow a male sub came to you and said they wanted to find a Domme.   What advice would you give them.  Either in things *to do* and things *to avoid*

I'm just curious as of how different your take would be.  

[Ae****]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

from another spin

if tomorrow a male sub came to you and said they wanted to find a Domme.   What advice would you give them.  Either in things *to do* and things *to avoid*

I'm just curious as of how different your take would be.  

I'd ask them about why they wanted a domme. And why they wanted a relationship. Assess their expectations, views on what makes a healthy relationship, and let them know what behaviours, ways of thinking, and perspectives/beliefs are healthy... and also, which are based off of narratives and myths given to them by society, peer groups, parents or movements, that are actually false and counter productive to happiness and success for finding someone and having a great relationship. I'd tell them with care, ensuring the info is not toxic and is absorbable - that means no judgment, no criticism. That takes care to do. There can't be any judgment because you cannot make healthy change to people by shaming them, and because any bad behaviours they have have come about as a result of the false narratives they absorbed as young boys and men - they can't help thinking the way they do because they didn't ask for these myths to be given to them. They had no guidance. Same situation applies to women and any of their behaviours and beliefs that are hurtful, selfish, arrogant, or merely self-harming/counterproductive for them - no blame, because no one ever asks for these myths to be passed to them. And no one is automatically born with great guidance for how to live well.

From there, the person will be in a position to go ahead with their search, with some new knowledge and skills - not being clumsy, and bringing themselves embarrassment and also the ire of the dommes they interact with, and also not falling prey to the people out there who have messed up ideas and try to foist them onto these would-be-subs, and shame them etc. They will have resilience against the bad people, and patience in looking for dommes, and most importantly, they will understand that looking for a domme, or relationship, will be an accessory to their life, not at all the main focus. Their happiness will be with them whether they are in a relationship or not which, you probably understand, logically takes care of any needy/desperate behaviour they would otherwise have while interacting with anyone, including dommes.

Basically you'd have a psychologically stable, emotionally independent person who understood people. Then you'd set them free to go - they will at that point have everything they need to start the process of making themselves into a desirable person, a sexually attractive person - assuming they even cared much at that point - because they may find that other parts of their lives have become far more interesting to them.

You can see that this guy would need to have a perspective that allows them to be open to learning and questioning their beliefs, and masses of patience.

As would anyone who wants to learn how to be happy, or why, despite feeling like they should be happy, finds themselves feeling empty for some internalised reason. This stuff applies to men, women, subs, dommes - everyone.

[Ae****]

... but hey what do I know 😅 - I'm just some rando on a kink sex app with nudes in my profile - soooo looking for life or dating advice here, in public threads, is probably the key thing I'd tell *anyone* to ***stop*** doing. For their own sake/wellbeing. Take everything with a grain of salt. I shake my head every time I see anyone asking for advice, and wince when I see the "helpful" input of other random sex-app strangers.

[ey****]

See.  I agree with you.  

I'm not sure I agree with telling people to not ask for advice - but possibly that in itself would tie in with other points

That there are folk who come looking for advice and at that point - if no one replies then people are accused of not being helpful.  If people reply and the approach is disagreed with, similar problems.

And of course if it's yet another person who hasn't done basic background, especially if they contact people directly, it's surely understandable people get frustrated.  They ignore the message get accused of being rude, yet don't have the emotional energy to go through the same again.

It is a big problem, of course, not just in fetish dating but wider dating that there are a lot of false expectancies, or toxic traits which folk learn through no fault of their own.  I think the trope of every RomCom where guy is a persistent until the woman he said no to, says yes, is one of many, many examples.  Add in to other elements of a changing society, and some people stomp their feet on this - but I mean things like : women no longer need a husband to have a bank account.   So there's info which is passed through from eras where that was the case, and there's a lot of folk brought up on the notion - and there's a lot to unlearn.

I think the problem is often separating those who wish to learn - and those who are not willing.  At least, not yet.   And I think a big problem also is no one really has the time to educate.

I guess also of course while women no longer NEED a partner - a lot of men also struggle to accept they don't need a partner either.  It will no longer hold them back in their career. They are not a failure.  They are not unwanted or unloved.  That, at the risk of cliche, they haven't found the right person yet.  Even if there are things they can do which would increase or decrease chances (these days the majority of people find a long term partner via their place of work.  I guess this is somewhat easier if you work in a mixed environment) 

 

[Ae****]

7 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

See.  I agree with you.  

I'm not sure I agree with telling people to not ask for advice - but possibly that in itself would tie in with other points

That there are folk who come looking for advice and at that point - if no one replies then people are accused of not being helpful.  If people reply and the approach is disagreed with, similar problems.

And of course if it's yet another person who hasn't done basic background, especially if they contact people directly, it's surely understandable people get frustrated.  They ignore the message get accused of being rude, yet don't have the emotional energy to go through the same again.

It is a big problem, of course, not just in fetish dating but wider dating that there are a lot of false expectancies, or toxic traits which folk learn through no fault of their own.  I think the trope of every RomCom where guy is a persistent until the woman he said no to, says yes, is one of many, many examples.  Add in to other elements of a changing society, and some people stomp their feet on this - but I mean things like : women no longer need a husband to have a bank account.   So there's info which is passed through from eras where that was the case, and there's a lot of folk brought up on the notion - and there's a lot to unlearn.

I think the problem is often separating those who wish to learn - and those who are not willing.  At least, not yet.   And I think a big problem also is no one really has the time to educate.

I guess also of course while women no longer NEED a partner - a lot of men also struggle to accept they don't need a partner either.  It will no longer hold them back in their career. They are not a failure.  They are not unwanted or unloved.  That, at the risk of cliche, they haven't found the right person yet.  Even if there are things they can do which would increase or decrease chances (these days the majority of people find a long term partner via their place of work.  I guess this is somewhat easier if you work in a mixed environment) 

 

I think getting advice is great - but the advice and narratives in this community (as with society in general), show that this is not the place to get it. For example, in your posts I see what seems to me a constant - a view that men need to improve for women and that women are just waiting patiently, enduring, tolerating them. This is the kind of subtle narrative that I would warn anyone against absorbing, and advice them to brush off when people try to push it on them. I'd explain how the narrative came about, and how people can buy into it. The background knowledge for this stuff is therfore not basic at all - that's why the issue isn't people asking for advice - it's actually absolutely the "advice" given. The blind lending the blind. The people who think they know better, and who you'd think know better, confidently telling the very naive what they think is best. But the info is nearly always toxic, even if well meaning. And a good response here is rare and buried by bad ones. Regarding being rude - the people giving advice are very often very rude to the people asking. And then they wonder why the convo is so difficult.

Tropes, narratives, are a large part of issues involved - such as having little respect for a guy who's persistent, let alone the idea that it takes guts, that women luckily simply do not have to develop, to initiate connections. Men have always been expected to do so - and that reality, struggle and daily experience, for life, is totally left behind when we speak of the annoying persistent man. Or thinking that a woman not needing a man for a back account is relevant to men at all in this day - it implies that the issue is that men depend on that and expect it for dating, which is simply not the case, and is also flatly insulting to an entire gender - something that's been done, just now, using the expression of a subtle assumption. This is an example of a toxic narrative. Subtly assuming it's one gender that needs to pull themselves up to meet the other - as stated, the issues on one side are merely the flip-side mirror image of the issues on the other. For example, there's a lot of false arrogance on the side of immature women, thinking that they are better than immature men. Arrogance *itself* is a sign of immature thinking. Why do the immature men you reference struggle the way they do? Because immature women have certain immature behaviours, that cause an immature behaviourin response. And it's incrediby hard for immature women (and the men who agree with the whole narrative that enables the issue) to be able to see themselves and these behaviors as flawed. Just as for men, it takes a woman who is willing to question her beliefs, is open to learning and who has masses of patience, in order for her to mature. The way immaturity manifests in society for men and women, the consequences, look very different. So we get some people thinking men need to better themselves, and women don't, or that the issues on one side are not caused by and linked to issues on the other - so many people have been bought into this myth, that we have a society of frustrated men and women who don't know why there's difficulty - and point at the wrong places.
You mentioned some beliefs you think men have that you think cause them issues. I think that they are uninformed assumptions, sourced in a lack of true understanding. I'm not going to bother mentioning beliefs women have - but I'll simply underline again, immaturity and poor theories are rife on this app, and asking for advice here is an awful idea. And restate - it's no ones fault - it's an issue sourced in nature. But it's one that people are able to rise above, once they mature emotionally and have respect for eachother and awareness for why things are the way they are.

[Ae****]

I you want to talk more, can DM me, am leaving this thread :)

[Deleted Member]

Being new to this community, and having read this post, I can confirm I have been doing it wrong in most of the ways explained here 🤦

Lesson officially learned, thank you for enlightening me! 

[Deleted Member]

Sadly there’s not many dominant women

[ey****]

7 hours ago, dylan_sub said:

Sadly there’s not many dominant women

approx 28% of women are Dominant (or switch) so if you're in a room with 20 women, 5ish are Dominant.    They just might not show it or immediately want to Dominate you. 

[Deleted Member]

being new to being a domme i 2
1000% agree with this. So many guys are desperate and don’t ask about stuff

[lesdevon]

 I dont. Look for a domme any more as a lot of. Guys seeking a domme are   rude and rush in im now just browsing chatting and taking things as they come. A lot of female dommes 2 sentances in ask for ***  which puts a lit of men off if *** is required put tributes on your profile be honest

[Deleted Member]

yes i do agree , although i’ve had 2 guys block me recently for being ‘fake’ although my pictures are on other social media’s , because i domme online as it’s more flexible for me. They obviously don’t know that domming can be online as well as in person

[lesdevon]

Yes domming online is real and can be fun with the right domme

[Si****]

Lol “female submissives are rare” I stopped reading right here. Sorry; but this dude comes off as never having left the internet where women were once rare. Tell me was this written back when it was all BBS systems?

[Tearmybuttocks]

March 1, Deleted profile said:

yes i do agree , although i’ve had 2 guys block me recently for being ‘fake’ although my pictures are on other social media’s , because i domme online as it’s more flexible for me. They obviously don’t know that domming can be online as well as in person

Unfortunately some dont realise about online and don't c any point in it wen they think it's just all about I'm person sessions just like myself at 1st but in the 13wks since I started my search iv learnt a lot especially after bein scammed 11 times in a row lol and the *** is certainly a minor thing to moan about wiv wot happened to me in the 1st 8wks so if u experience this again please forward them onto me and I'll educate them lol xx

[Deleted Member]

Great post, something most men can learn from (not counting... who am I kidding, counting even me)

[MisstressStorm]

Amen - the amount of men that crawl into my DMs thinking they are entitled and I should be grateful . 🤦‍♀️ Put yourself into a Dommes shoes and read the amount of passive aggressive, frankly abusive shite We have to put up with . Real subs step forward . Mistress Storm ⛈

[Tm****]

Yes I do!

[ga****]

Wow?! I didn't see that shit coming!!!! And thank you for your help.. What the hell I'll send you a Ball!!!!

[MisstressStorm]

🙄⛈

[ga****]

Oh I understand what you're saying what am I supposed to do? Sit around here and dream

[ey****]

On 6/30/2023 at 12:43 AM, garvin632 said:

Oh I understand what you're saying what am I supposed to do? Sit around here and dream

there's a lot of tips; on this thread and others.   Most men do little above just hoping for the best. Very few of those get the results they want.

Others.. you can't *** things to happen.   But, you can create opportunities.  

[MisstressStorm]

Saturday at 11:47 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

there's a lot of tips; on this thread and others.   Most men do little above just hoping for the best. Very few of those get the results they want.

Others.. you can't *** things to happen.   But, you can create opportunities.  

Exactly this 👍 The accounts I enjoy interacting with all have common denominators
Respect esp My consent
Active listening
Ability to learn
Reflection of their behaviour
Understanding barriers of Kink communication/ play
Playfulness

If a Domme is being triggered / pissy there is normally a reason for it ….. Toxic masculinity or male entitlement.

Storm ⛈

[QuietlyKinky]

For me, I think the most valuable thing I have learned from interacting with people in the link community. Is to treat everyone as equal until there is an established agreed D/s dynamic. Ultimately we are all humans before we are anything else so a bit of respect and courtesy should be a default setting. Having said that, I suppose we all have moments of weakness and frustration where we perhaps present ourselves as pushy or even predatory. The most important thing for me is making sure I’m aware of myself when meeting new D or s types.