Guilty sadist?

[Lu****]

Has anyone else had the experience of having intense guilt for sadistic thoughts/activities? (Doesn’t have to be said but everything that happens only happens with informed, enthusiastic consent of course)

I know logically I shouldn’t feel guilty that I’m inclined to sadism, and I know my partner enjoys our dynamic, but I can’t help but feel like getting any pleasure from their pain makes me a bad person. Yet when I try to have vanilla sex, or even reverse the roles, my brain is so unfocused (thanks adhd) that it doesn’t do much for me. When I’m letting my sadist side out, I’m focused comfortably and it relaxes me.

How do I get over this? Also maybe some reassurance that it doesn’t actually make me a bad person would be nice too. Thank you link community 💓

[Deleted Member]

Yep, what helps me come to terms with what I like sexually is watching television and movies where for example a non-consensual scene happens and it makes me angry because it’s happening? Not actual anger as I know it’s fake but you know what I mean but then when I do it myself I don’t have that same feeling, so I worked out it’s the consent that puts it in perspective for me if it’s 100% consenting and I know the partner I know the aftercare I know how their brain works then I can let go of that feeling and just be in the moment

[UK****]

Society teaches us that's it's a bad thing, it's difficult to get away from that, even when we know it's consensual and 'enjoyed'. However, yes I have felt like that, particularly early in my actually doing it for real. The first person I ever spanked I struggled with it and wouldn't progress to using something more hardcore unless she asked me to lol

[Deleted Member]

Hello,

I don't think what you're experiencing is uncommon.

I think what may help you is really unpacking and exploring and understanding your desire, motive and intent. The more we understand of ourselves the more insight we have into our kinks.

Looking into this further as a kink or personality trait also probes further into the impact you have on others outside of a scene/ play.

Sadism as a kink when managed in the parameters of the lifestyle with all the safe, sane and consensual and RACK and PRICK isn't bad.

I would suggest that sadism as a core part of ones personality does merit further exploration and awareness. Mainly cos not many people benefit from those kinda traits save for the sadist.

I am intesterested to hear from others in response to your post and look forward to the discussion

🔥🧙‍♀️🔥

[ge****]

A lot of good things said already, so I shan't repeat what's been said already.
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To provide some reassurance though you're most definitely not a bad person, in fact it's arguable that the fact you're feeling as you do is proof that you're not because not only are you showing concern for how you feel but for the person you practice your sadism with.
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Further proof being that your partner enjoys the dynamic and keeps coming back for more - you're a good person because you are meeting his masochistic needs.
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How you come to terms with it is a difficult one and some of what has been said above will no doubt help, add to that reassurance from your partner and even just being part of this community where you can see others just like you will help.

[Phantomofdesire]

There is something known as sub & dom drop … it may be worth researching this information - as this may be what you’re feeling. Very common. It’s something I’m looking into.

[Kymi]

i find same guilt as a sub, when i see non consent scene on tv I'm full of jealousy, then I remember I was born physically male so get guilt feelings wondering whether my own submissive  masochism isn't a hangover from male upbringing, 

[Kymi]

4 hours ago, LucyDarling said:

Has anyone else had the experience of having intense guilt for sadistic thoughts/activities? (Doesn’t have to be said but everything that happens only happens with informed, enthusiastic consent of course)

I know logically I shouldn’t feel guilty that I’m inclined to sadism, and I know my partner enjoys our dynamic, but I can’t help but feel like getting any pleasure from their pain makes me a bad person. Yet when I try to have vanilla sex, or even reverse the roles, my brain is so unfocused (thanks adhd) that it doesn’t do much for me. When I’m letting my sadist side out, I’m focused comfortably and it relaxes me.

How do I get over this? Also maybe some reassurance that it doesn’t actually make me a bad person would be nice too. Thank you link community 💓

it defn doesn't make you a bad person, if your partner enjoys the dynamic then it fine, afterall much sexual activity is painful, I enjoy receiving anal but find it painful does that make someone a bad person for enjoying giving me anal, no of course- same with other 'sadism' activities

[SubFU]

Hi LucyDarling,we all have our sexual appetites.We are taught to feel guilt from childhood.As long as adults,our pleasure/s do not destroy others and take away their freedoms,their right to choice and quality of life,our basic human rights.Our sexual pleasures,with like minded individuals/groups is part of our freedom of choice.Our vanilla lives as people say is another part of us.It does not make us less moral to enjoy being a dominated or sub.It makes us human beings,with freedom of thought to enjoy our sexual differences and what activities we find wonderful and fulfilling in life.We have the right to choice as do all individuals,human rights,freedom.I hope this helps you enjoy your right to enjoy your freedom to climax in a way you enjoy and your partner does.No victims,just adults enjoying their human rights.

[Therapist]

Very good Topic an 1 that many if honest avoid. As I've got older I have got very dark in thoughts an then in play. Sadly my now ex sub we enjoyed CNC an dare I say R play. All very consensual and agreed beforehand. Typical an abduction getting rougher an rougher. Yes afterwards an very importantly the after care for her but would be lying if later on sat with glass with wine feeling guilty about enjoying and being turned on by that scene.