I'm a cruel, scary sadist, and you should avoid even talking to me! (Or, the Conundrum of Vanilla Understanding En***d within the BDSM Realm.)

[Cade]

I have done a grand disservice to the BDSM culture: I have shut my mouth and withheld my opinion for the comfort of new people entering our community. I have preached about acceptance within our community for so long, I failed to see there is a limit to acceptance. I have tried to be open minded to everyone entering the scene and never realized there were things I needed to handle with a closed mind. I have watched the *** of this once proud and awe-inspiring lifestyle, committed by those that have no intent of belonging to our collective, but rather, to destroy this collective through common vanilla limitations.

The year is [2020; I'm continuing] my personal project to take back our community. Normally, I would simply go about this on my own. I realize however, I cannot do this alone. Indeed, this is me coming to you, requesting your help.

I want you to standup for what you believe, for your lifestyle philosophy, for the BDSM community that we have all watched regress over these last few years.

It's time to stop pulling our punches, lest we are knocked out from the very community that at one time, made us feel so comfortable and accepted. In this respect, we need to have our voices heard, the voice of unity among those of us that live an alternative dynamic enriched by the structure and history of the BDSM culture. We need to become proactive in ensuring our communal and personal values, not allow them to fall to the side because John and Jane Q. Vanilla has entered the community and declared what it is we do wrong and abhorrent. Yes, it is time to speak out.

It is time to speak out on what BDSM is; what activities/dynamics/lifestyles it includes and doesn't.

BDSM is an acronym representing the collective of individuals that participate in bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism. The level at which anyone participates is decided on their own, but can encompass someone with mere tendencies to those that live it as a full lifestyle. Of course, there are a great deal of fetishes even beyond those listed under that acronym; however, if you do not participate in any of those listed activities, a BDSM community is likely not the best choice, not boasting a like-minded collective for you. If you don't participate in bondage and discipline, domination and submission, or sadism and masochism, than you are NOT BDSM. And that's okay! There is nothing wrong with you, it just means you're not BDSM. Likewise, *** is NOT BDSM. Dishonest and manipulative behavior is NOT BDSM. If there is no consent, then it is NOT BDSM.

Now please understand that I'm not saying "get out of my community if you aren't BDSM", in the least. To the contrary, the public scene is a very welcoming and warm place for freaks of all types! However, you should realize you may have no idea what you are seeing within the community, and that doesn't mean those people are wrong, but that you are unaware. So, if you are new to the scene, or ever see something you don't understand regarding interactions between BDSMers, ASK. Your assumptions will only cause you further confusion and distance you from the BDSM community. I think you'll find that even the most intimidating individual in the Lifestyle is just as equally as friendly as helpful; we want you to ask questions. We want the chance to help you understand our dynamics and the reasons the community does work for us.

Another subject I'd like to address: triggers. What started out as a means of respectfully understanding some individuals have activities or words that throw them into a negative headspace has long since become a battle for what is acceptable for everyone to do in proper environments. If you have a trigger, rest assured, you are not alone. I don't think I've ever met a person that doesn't have something that discomforts or upsets their emotions and mentality. Here's the rub: it's your trigger, and should not be expected to limit my life, as an outsider to your world. This is a case where respect has become a standard for disrespecting those that don't share your trigger.

As such, I do not have to respect your trigger. To the contrary, it is my duty to tell you that if a word or action that doesn't include you directly has such a huge impact on you, get therapy. It is not physically or mentally healthy for something that doesn't include you to impact you so much that the normal activities of others needs to be ceased. Further more, it's not acceptable, at least, in my community.

Now, I am sure this new project will make me intensely unpopular, if only for these specifications. Of course, they are not. It's time to ask the hard questions that makes people think and realize. It's time to no longer be bullied by intolerance and ignorance, but time to combat them. It's time to say the things no one wants to hear, but are improved by it.

It's time to be what it is we profess despite what others may think or believe, and do against us for being just ourselves.

I am Cade, and I am a literal sadist. This means my arousal (physical and mental) is inspired by the infliction of intense sensations, such as *** and ***. The people that involve themselves with me consent to being treated as property, albeit human property. They are trained to serve me. The leather pieces I wear were earned, and I don't wear leather pieces I haven't earned. In the vanilla world, I was an abomination; a mentally sick fool that needed to be hospitalized or otherwise entrapped. In my community, however, I am respected and honored for just being me. To achieve this, I had to accept the structure of this community, even as daunting a task it seemed, rather than trying to change the community to suit me. I am thankful the community didn't just succumb to my incomplete mentality, but rather bolstered me to be the best me I can be.

It can do this for you, as well. However, do not expect any life changes if you changed the community to fit your typical shortcomings. This doesn't improve you, but rather diminishes the community on whole!

Thank you for reading. To my community, I will do better.

[BeardedSi]

Well said Brother, I may not be as eloquent as yourself but I am with you. This community is a fantastically supportive one when you accept it for what it is.

[Deleted Member]

Sadism for me has been a difficult thing to understand both within myself and with others. Its taken me time to come to terms with its existence and how strong it's call was. Out of the four words the S for sadism is the one that causes most to recoil in horror, full of ignorance and unwilling to learn. What they fail to realise is a literal sadist in many ways can have a much higher character code than one who shows his face in church every Sunday paying lip service only. it is these who judge but again, through ignorance and ***, they fail to see the truth of what the community is about, Its taken me some time so it's no surprise they never see it.

One thing I have seen is the dilution of this scene by the internet generation of which I am one does not deter from the fact that there is still a community hidden away within sites like this if you care to be patient and polite enough.

[Deleted Member]

And I meant in general not at you directly. I think many want acceptance but are not patient enough

[Cade]

@Donnykinkster I can so definitely relate. Being a survivor of childhood ***, my desires scared me incredibly before I accepted myself as a sadist. I worried I might continue the cycle of *** that I had endured; that's not even considering how sadists are portrayed in the vanilla world. So, for a long time, I avoided dating anyone (adolescence was lonely in self isolation). Then, I tried to just be like everyone else: take a wife, have a child, start a career, buy a home with a white picket fence (not even joking about that, haha). This was an act of futility, though. As my love grew for my wife, so did my desire to hurt her, and with that, only further confusion in trying to negotiate protecting my loved one from wanted to share my cruel passion with her. This caused me to fall into a deep depression: I wasn't being myself so happiness was elusive, and I had no outlet to express the true nature of my extreme love.

As you can imagine, my marriage deteriorated which absolutely destroyed me. This offered an unique opportunity though, and I used the destruction to build myself back up. Only this time, my focus would be becoming the most honest and best version of myself I could be (now, a lifelong project, haha). I identified and examined my desires and tried tracing them to origins, I researched and studied various alternative modalities that might help me handle those desires, and created my own set of protocol in which to explore them. Certainly, this proved to be no simple task, with near endless pitfalls and obstacles, and a lot of accepting hard truths about myself.

It was worth it all, though. 

[Cade]

Post script: I have a theory why literal sadists (and other roles) are often the happiest and most amazing people. When you're so secure in yourself and can explore your desires successfully, you're just so happy that you feel you might burst if you don't share it!

[ju****]

Brilliantly written. Thru out reading I felt a feeling of unity and pride ! Thank you so much for letting us hear your thoughts. I can't help but to agree umensly.

[cautiousswitch]

I stated this on another thread about a month ago:

Within the BDSM community individuals may be referred to as sadists or masochists, relationships are almost always referred to as sado-masochistic or some variant thereof.  Not separating the M from the S when describing the relationship acknowledges the consent.  Separating the M from the S when describing the individual is giving their identity, not identifying them as an ***r.

Many in the vanilla world hear S&M and focus on the S and assume ***.  If reminded that the masochist is a willing participant then some will be quick to assume that they are suffering mental problems or low self esteem.

 

[Jinxy-5083]

Very well written. And I strongly agree about not assuming things. Assumptions lead you down a slippery slope. To think that you can look at a stranger or a relationship and assume you know the ins and outs of that dynamic is an exercise in ignorance. I find that many people come into the community with assumptions and stereotypes about certain roles or labels. This isn't surprising given the main stream misinformation out there. However, it's important for those wanting to explore the BDSM realm, to recognize this isn't a one size fits all situation. People can and do adapt and personalize how they approach various kinks. How one person does it, might not be how another person approaches it. That's why this community is so great. The exchange of ideas and being able to brainstorm solutions with people of similar interests. Kinks labels have their place but don't be afraid to color outside of the label assumptions. Be open and curious... you'll get better results and learn much more.

[Cade]

12 hours ago, cautiousswitch said:

Many in the vanilla world hear S&M and focus on the S and assume ***.  If reminded that the masochist is a willing participant then some will be quick to assume that they are suffering mental problems or low self esteem.

 

Isn't this often the most frustrating response? The NCSF and APA were able to change the DSM back in 2013, and that's still the common conclusion when happy and healthy dynamics (that may be extreme to some) are immediately dismissed as mental illness? Talk about "be yourself", you know, unless you're different! Haha.

[Deleted Member]

I am with you Cafe. You have my full support and participation.

[Wo****]

I can relate to this....

My marriage never stood a chance, neither of us knew that we weren't vanilla, we didn't know bdsm was a real option for a lifestyle. We weren't ready...

My submission comes from being ***d.

My freedom came from bdsm.

 

The trigger thing... I've been through this. I have (had?) triggers. I know because I found out. Do I blame the person who triggered me? Not for that. It's MY trigger. I blamed him fully for not getting that it was a trigger and basically telling me it wasn't a trigger.

 

 

[Ky****]

@LazyPiratesBounty wonder how many of us found our submissive nature that way? I did and my trans nature too, although that's not to condone it, its still a crime

[Wo****]

41 minutes ago, Kymi said:

@LazyPiratesBounty wonder how many of us found our submissive nature that way? I did and my trans nature too, although that's not to condone it, its still a crime

I love who I am. 

Being ***d became something that I took control of, owned. Obviously, it shaped me. Luckily, positively.

 

I think it's a lot more common than people think, and that bdsm can provide a framework to explore more "unusual" feelings and emotions.

One of the hardest things for me to accept was that I came when I was ***d. That was a serious mindfuck for a long time. Through embracing bdsm I've accepted it, I'm grateful for it. I understand it.

 

[Leisa]

As I’ve told you I agree that it’s time to take back our BDSM community. Our community welcome all shapes and sizes of BDSM into its fold so long as you desire to join us with an open mind and the desire to live what I feel is a special niche in the overall society of life. What I don’t agree with is how there are those who come in who do not truly live the BDSM philosophy of the lifestyle of our community yet want to proclaim themselves part of the community. I’m not talking about those particulars such as kinks and fetishes who are not BDSM in its traditional sense yet they too are not BDSM unless they practice the dynamics of the lifestyle. Our community has become so watered down by those who say they are part of a BDSM community by infusion. The society is solely made up of those who actively practice or have practiced BDSM. Vanilla thinks if they enjoy the occasional spanking of tying up during otherwise vanilla sex that they too are living the lifestyle and automatically belong in the community. Such is not the case. Our community is special and not for your average Joe. It truly is the stuff that sets us apart from the rest and is a natural transition from a vanilla world. You need the lifestyle. It’s not about sex, though the sex itself is mind blowing, it’s about a commitment to adhere to certain traditions that incorporate BDSM in the normal sense. It deserves a niche in society. We’re not freaks or outcasts and it’s time to begin to insist that the lifestyle does belong in a world made up of all individuals without *** of judgment or labeling. For those to realize that the community is made up of good individuals who just want to be accepted and who deserve the same respect as anyone else who lives in a community outside of the BDSM lifestyle.

This is not so much a choice to enjoy a certain element and is just as relevant to living a life of happiness as if you truly are a member of the community you can not imagine living a life that does not include at least one element of the anagram of which BDSM stands for on the daily and not when the mood strikes. Yes many of us have tried to live by society’s definition of what life should be and either live a “normal” or “acceptable “ in the traditional roles of the vanilla world. Everyone has a place in overall society yet those in the BDSM community are either ***ed or set apart because of our dedication to living an authentic life. Such should not be the case nor should we lay down and accept another’s definition of how life should be lived. We too should be part of the mainstream community.

For me BDSM is a way of life and was not a choice. It is the only way I can find true happiness. I’m not less than not a freak. I’m someone who has *** and a career and live in the outside community yet I’m blessed enough to be able to belong to a smaller community made up of individuals as unique and special as anyone else. The only difference between me and Joe vanilla is that I’m not happy nor could I ever be happy being anyone other than my authentic self. Most of society is not even aware of who does or does not live within the boundaries of the “traditional” community that makes up the vast majority of people. We don’t have symbols in the middle of our foreheads proclaiming that we need a certain aspect of life to feel complete. Everyone just wants to be accepted for who they are. We are individuals who just happen to enjoy living outside the norms. What others see as freaks or reprobates to us this is a normal life.

Even though ***d by someone brought into my life by one of my parents whom I should have been able to trust I did not get any pleasure out of being ***d and that’s exactly what it was. ***. I have no triggers that automatically drove me to choose this lifestyle or community. I was born this way. I love being in a submissive role and fully embrace the dynamic in which I live. However I’m not weak or less than any other strong woman. In fact I’m much stronger and more independent than many who would regard me as abnormal. I’m tired of being ***d to dip my toe into the mainstream to be accepted. Trying to live that life brought unhappiness and *** not just to myself but to those who I was involved with. I’m currently going through a divorce that involves *** and I know that if the family court knew the that makes me feel alive and and accepted I’d stand a greater chance of losing custody of my *** to the person who goes to church every time the doors are open even though I’m not the one who has been indoctrinated into a readily accepted lifestyle, he is. My lifestyle is not a choice, it’s what I need to be happy and feel validated. I made the decision at the beginning of my divorce proceedings that if asked I would proudly admit to living within a community outside society’s norm as my parenting skills should be based on my belonging to a community made up of wonderful individuals but rather parenting skills and the ability to support my *** in whoever they are. To accept them with unconditional love and not make them feel different or unaccepted. While I seriously doubt that anyone outside our community will ask what makes me happy, because let’s face it I look like your average vanilla individual, if ask I’d answer honestly. I’m not risking the love of my ***, I’m not making a selfish choice, I’m showing my *** that there’s nothing wrong with being your authentic self. I’m risking going against the norms of overall society. My *** are too young to know what my community entails but need to grow up in the community to which they authentically belong. There should never be the necessity to live as anything but your true self. Many, even within our community, would say to deny who I am to ensure custody of my *** but doing so would require me to step away from my life back into a vanilla existence. The decisions I’ve made during this phase are not selfish but rather selfless to show my *** that acceptance should come in many forms and differences. I’m not worried that anyone will think I’m a freak for my lifestyle but rather hopeful that our community has become accepted enough as part of overall society as one that needs to be accepted the same way as other lifestyle communities. My life is different than what mainstream society lives but should and must be accepted. They have two loving parents who have the dedication to ensuring their happiness. It’s just unfortunate that one is more apt to be excluded for their happiness.

This all being said, it’s important to our community to stop accepting society’s definition of normal. It’s important to tell the truth when asked instead of allowing others to make us feel ashamed. It’s important to be accepted as who we are without *** of reprisal. It’s important to be authentic. Most importantly it’s important to live a life of happiness and authenticity. Let’s stop our niche in the overall community from being watered down by those who want to dip their toes in yet cannot or will not fully embrace what it is that makes our community so wonderful.

[ey****]

while there's a lot I agree with

A few years ago - there were a few folk in our local area had similar gripes.    So, the local dungeon had an idea and hosted much stricter "serious players" events.   As part of this they relaxed some of the rules around play that was otherwise not allowed - it was a kinda by application or invitation only.   It was a very specific event to a very specific mindset and of course lots of language around "taking BDSM back to it's history" so on.

(though, it always depends which part of history it's taken to - but that's another story.) 

Anyway.  The event failed.

It ran quite a few times, haemorrhaging *** each time.  There was the usual telling everyone how fantastic it was and between dropping direct invitations and also making people "want" to be involved (a lot of the same people would sometimes drop hints about secret munches that happened; a kinda, almost wanting folk to try to get themselves invited)

The kinda truth of the story was to keep the events viable; they had to cater to a wider group.  This is kind of the problem.

To keep elements of the community viable it has to be broad in its appeal.  

There's a lot I understand is frustrating. I remember someone say to me he felt the problem with workshops is they pretty much were always for beginners.  So there might be an "introduction to *whatever* but never any follow ups.

There's stuff a lot of us know - which can sometimes be divisive threads (say the recent thread on "limits") and what you'd say to someone who is new versus what someone knows once they get involved are somewhat different at times.

-

When it comes to watering down.  In some ways... you/me/whoever and our kinks haven't changed.   If we suddenly find there's only one gig in town and we have to share it with people who are completely different to us or not go at all; even if we have to compromise the space it doesn't change us.

OK, so somebody else likes petplay, age play, someone likes the visual aesthetic of fetish (perhaps they're turned on by seeing someone in latex or leather but that is the extent of their interest) other than us possibly having to share a space with them; it doesn't dilute *us*

-

The thing is. Like my first example. We can close the door any time.  We can hire a dungeon or a space or find someone with a big enough house and only allow in people who meet our definition of community.  That are willing to follow what we believe or not come at all.   There are many people who do this.

 

[Cade]

7 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

while there's a lot I agree with

A few years ago - there were a few folk in our local area had similar gripes.    So, the local dungeon had an idea and hosted much stricter "serious players" events.   As part of this they relaxed some of the rules around play that was otherwise not allowed - it was a kinda by application or invitation only.   It was a very specific event to a very specific mindset and of course lots of language around "taking BDSM back to it's history" so on.

(though, it always depends which part of history it's taken to - but that's another story.) 

Anyway.  The event failed.

It ran quite a few times, haemorrhaging *** each time.  There was the usual telling everyone how fantastic it was and between dropping direct invitations and also making people "want" to be involved (a lot of the same people would sometimes drop hints about secret munches that happened; a kinda, almost wanting folk to try to get themselves invited)

The kinda truth of the story was to keep the events viable; they had to cater to a wider group.  This is kind of the problem.

To keep elements of the community viable it has to be broad in its appeal.  

There's a lot I understand is frustrating. I remember someone say to me he felt the problem with workshops is they pretty much were always for beginners.  So there might be an "introduction to *whatever* but never any follow ups.

There's stuff a lot of us know - which can sometimes be divisive threads (say the recent thread on "limits") and what you'd say to someone who is new versus what someone knows once they get involved are somewhat different at times.

-

When it comes to watering down.  In some ways... you/me/whoever and our kinks haven't changed.   If we suddenly find there's only one gig in town and we have to share it with people who are completely different to us or not go at all; even if we have to compromise the space it doesn't change us.

OK, so somebody else likes petplay, age play, someone likes the visual aesthetic of fetish (perhaps they're turned on by seeing someone in latex or leather but that is the extent of their interest) other than us possibly having to share a space with them; it doesn't dilute *us*

-

The thing is. Like my first example. We can close the door any time.  We can hire a dungeon or a space or find someone with a big enough house and only allow in people who meet our definition of community.  That are willing to follow what we believe or not come at all.   There are many people who do this.

 

So, the consideration (in my opinion) is: Do lifestyle veterans not need community or is it just for newbies and casual players?
I was at a dungeon back in 2013, in which we did a s/m scene where one masochist was beat by four (+1) sadists. This was a great scene for us, my girl being pushed and the team of sadists finding sate, and as you can well imagine, things got a bit loud. Besides the cracking and strikes of the toys, kitty was experiencing real and intense sensations causing her to scream. This triggered some individuals at the same event, and they complained in the hopes of shutting the scene down.
This led me to the question, when did screams become unacceptable in the very venue that traditionally, is the appropriate place for such interactions and natural reactions? I wrote an article on the situation (aptly titled, "Where have the Screams Gone?"), and I was asked to do a series of demos (Screamfest, and later, Extremefest) which turned into a special monthly party for more extreme scenes much like in your community. Only, ours were a success...perhaps in part to them being open to all members of the dungeon. However, in retrospect, I wish they had failed, as this became the new standard for alienating play that some were uncomfortable with (not participating in, mind you, but even just watching or hearing). These people used these parties almost as a rebuke: "You have a special night for that type of play, you don't need to do it on our weekends."
I absolutely agree with you that other's lack of understanding doesn't have to affect me, my dynamic, or my lifestyle - I will continue to "do me" with or without a community, with or without public dungeons, with or without the support of ***rs (if people like me even have ***rs, come on). Of course, this would mean no longer representing my form of relationship dynamic in the community or pretending to be less than I am, but either seems dishonest to me and might well add to the issue this discussion is highlighting. If the consideration was simply living my lifestyle the way I wanted, certainly, I can do that on my own. There's a greater goal at hand, however: the desire not to have to live our lifestyle in secret for *** of social ramifications, but to be accepted and have the same civil protections every consensual relationship should have. Instead, we still *** being outed for what we are; we should need be afraid to live our desired lifestyles that doing so may costs us our jobs, our family and friends, even our quality of life, itself.
In 2016, the US courts declared that we do not have the right to rough sex, despite the changes to the DSM-5 three years prior. Their reasoning? Our lifestyle doesn't have enough history. Now, I can't speak for everyone, but I can trace my lifestyle back to a French author and revolutionary in the 1700s. One might even argue that my lifestyle celebrates the primal human nature, using troglodytes clubbing their mates over the head to drag them home by the hair as example. I'd like to think we've made tremendous and significant advancements since those days, haha - but how will the world know if we go underground, hiding any evidence of our existence? I definitely don't think we'll ever realize social acceptance this way.
But hey! We can get Christian Grey normalized! Maybe we can get accepted as just role play - "BDSM LARP", if you will. Or as a bunch of vanillas that only pretend power exchange; it's all just an act, no one really dominates or submits, surely no one could enjoy hurting or being hurt by someone else (no one in their right mind, anyway). We just don leather and latex for the real s/m - standing and modeling. We are all just wannabes, anyway.
I wannabe accepted for being myself and not have to hide who I am or pretend to be something I'm not for the comfort of people not even in my dynamic.

[Wo****]

@Leisa Part of the reason, a huge part, why my marriage failed was that I wasn't true to who I am. Tbf I didn't know and it took everything it did to get me where I am now.

My daughter stayed with her dad. He was, and is, a better dad than I am a mum. 

I couldn't be a mum, or wife, I think because I was living a life that was destroying me because wasn't who I should have been, who I am

 

Now, nearly three years later, I'm reconnecting with my daughter, and ex, as who I am now. Happy, confident and free. I'm where I belong, within the bdsm community. It isn't something I play at, it's who I am.

 

@Cade More experienced kinksters may not need a community but as a relative newbie to actually living the lifestyle, I think we need them here. 

Those of us who don't know need mentoring, guiding.... 

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

@Leisa Part of the reason, a huge part, why my marriage failed was that I wasn't true to who I am. Tbf I didn't know and it took everything it did to get me where I am now.

My daughter stayed with her dad. He was, and is, a better dad than I am a mum. 

I couldn't be a mum, or wife, I think because I was living a life that was destroying me because wasn't who I should have been, who I am

 

Now, nearly three years later, I'm reconnecting with my daughter, and ex, as who I am now. Happy, confident and free. I'm where I belong, within the bdsm community. It isn't something I play at, it's who I am.

 

@Cade More experienced kinksters may not need a community but as a relative newbie to actually living the lifestyle, I think we need them here. 

Those of us who don't know need mentoring, guiding.... 

The community aspect is what helped me understand what I am Lpb. This is what makes this site "better" than all the others I've tried. It's vital especially for new folks 

[ey****]

10 hours ago, Cade said:

So, the consideration (in my opinion) is: Do lifestyle veterans not need community or is it just for newbies and casual players?

I think it's trying to work out how to keep things working.  And this is an issue, I agree.  

There's also a lot of regional variations as a lot of what some events can and cannot allow (or shouldn't allow, but will if nobody tells.  Which relies on a carefully vetted crowd who won't tell) down to whatever restrictions local councils and police have placed.

I think this is why it's important to plant flags into various sexual freedom causes.   

I know there's one night which is sadly on a pause which had different areas where different levels of play were allowed and that the basic reason was that if there was suddenly the police turn up then everyone would the police could see would be causing no concern and a radio signal could be sent for monitors to stop scenes meaning by the time police got to other rooms everyone was in an appropriate state of dress and not spraying *** from canes.

I think this is another line to always consider.

What I also found... is that locally a lot who complained loudest against limitations on their play/lifestyle were also those least likely to support the causes.  But then, the leading one was by someone who was non-binary, a switch and a feminist (three things that triggered them!) and most of them would rather complain than support them.

[Cade]

@LazyPiratesBounty I hope I never become so experienced I have nothing left to learn from this community. Haha.

[Leisa]

4 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

@Leisa Part of the reason, a huge part, why my marriage failed was that I wasn't true to who I am. Tbf I didn't know and it took everything it did to get me where I am now.

My daughter stayed with her dad. He was, and is, a better dad than I am a mum. 

I couldn't be a mum, or wife, I think because I was living a life that was destroying me because wasn't who I should have been, who I am

 

Now, nearly three years later, I'm reconnecting with my daughter, and ex, as who I am now. Happy, confident and free. I'm where I belong, within the bdsm community. It isn't something I play at, it's who I am.

 

@Cade More experienced kinksters may not need a community but as a relative newbie to actually living the lifestyle, I think we need them here. 

Those of us who don't know need mentoring, guiding.... 

thank you. You’ve helped ease my mind more than you know. It’s always a struggle when you have *** in this situation to know which way things will go. I think it’s most important that they have a happy one than to have one there who’s unhappy and living a falsehood. Showing them the old adage of “fake it until you make it” is a disservice and hurts them as individuals. We should never be taught to lie about our core person. 

[Phoenyx]

15 hours ago, Cade said:

I was at a dungeon back in 2013, in which we did a s/m scene where one masochist was beat by four (+1) sadists. This was a great scene for us, my girl being pushed and the team of sadists finding sate, and as you can well imagine, things got a bit loud. Besides the cracking and strikes of the toys, kitty was experiencing real and intense sensations causing her to scream. This triggered some individuals at the same event, and they complained in the hopes of shutting the scene down.

In many ways, this gets into a whole, new topic---the concept of reading people.  I suspect that those watching, may not have been able to distinguish between screams of true distress, and those of a sub merely acting-out her feelings.  It is important for subs to be expressive.  This is how they communicate with their "Tops".  Perhaps, at the start of the session, there should have been an announcement along the line of, "The following scene will be quite intense.  Not to worry, as all safewords and safety procedures will be observed."  Of course, I wasn't there.  I am assuming that we are discussing experienced players.  So, I am giving the sadists the benefit of the doubt.

Of course, the allowable intensity of a session, really depends upon the venue.  Dungeon events can often allow the extreme.  However, shows and demos at underground nightclubs are subject to strict limits---city ordinances, and all.  Due to the AIDS crisis in my day, *** Play was never allowed at public events.  Same with Fire Play, *** Pay, or "Watersports", for obvious reasons.

Interesting though, where I came from, subs were far more stoic.  Other than the occasional moan, there was silence.  Doms and Dominas had to rely more on  body language.  Of course, this allowed for nightclub scenes to be more intense.  Still, if *** was drawn, the session had to be shut-down---those local ordinances again.

As for the openness of events, they ran the entire spectrum---from large gatherings, open to everyone, to smaller, invitation-only events, geared toward the serious players.  There were those that en***d a strict dress code, and those that didn't.  The Society of Janus hosted many of the larger events.  I recall the SOJ receiving a lot of the same criticism that Cade has expressed.  True, they tended to cater more to newbies.  But, their aim was to transition newbies into more experienced players.  Typically, their dungeon events were themed.  In one, the newbies might be encouraged to play, while the veterans acted as advisors.  In an another, it might be the veterans who are encouraged to play, so that the newbies could observe technique.  SOJ also hosted classes, where the veterans could freely share their knowledge.  There was even a class, where the Pros discussed what it was like to be in "The Profession".  Yes, I too, was invited to tell my story.  The differences in attitudes and approaches were quite illuminating.  Add to this, the many "munches" and informal, non-dress-code events.

There were, of course, the nightclub events, which drew even the casually curious.  The idea of these shows, was to take some of the mystery out of BDSM.  Remember, we were all "newbies" at some point.  How would we have felt, if we had been denied the experience, because of our naïveté?

[Phoenyx]

Back on the subject of being "a cruel, scary sadist", I shocked even myself, with one of my own profile pics.  I had never seen how I looked, while "in persona".  It was a bit of an eye-opener.  Yes, back in the day, I was one of "The Unapproachables".  At times, it could be a lonely place.

[Cade]

3 hours ago, phoenyx said:

I suspect that those watching, may not have been able to distinguish between screams of true distress, and those of a sub merely acting-out her feelings.  

Definitely agree.

3 hours ago, phoenyx said:

Perhaps, at the start of the session, there should have been an announcement along the line of, "The following scene will be quite intense.  Not to worry, as all safewords and safety procedures will be observed."  

Interestingly enough, this was offered in prior discussions of this topic, as well. However, I think it overlooks some common courtesy concepts: A) When did it become my responsibility to educate everybody on my relationship? The concept seems a lot like putting individuals like me on trial. B) At what point does this become necessary for every scene? Because from an ignorant outside view, nearly anything we do might look like ***. C) At what point is the announcement of such scene interrupting the pre-existing scenes around it?

Likewise, at every dungeon and play space I've help manage, monitor, or just played at, there is already a rule in place that should supercede the need for such disclaimers: If you plan to participate in any form of edge play, talk to the DM staff, FIRST. This rule covered such considerations as do they allow that form of play in that venue, what are the requirements to endeavor that scene in the environment and audience, and gave the DM staff the chance to ask any questions they needed to feel comfortable allowing the scene. Then, if the someone observing had an issue, they discussed it with the DM who educated the points of the scene with little interruption to any scenes in progress. I always just thought this rule was part of token dungeon/play space etiquette, but I concede, I've not visited dungeons in every region of my state, let alone, the world. Haha.

3 hours ago, phoenyx said:

Of course, the allowable intensity of a session, really depends upon the venue. 

Again, I totally agree. And with good cause! Full dungeons are typically equipped to tackle any medical concern that might arise, given a stable environment where such plans and storage of supplies can exist; compared to a play party, they typically loads in and out of a shared venue (nightclub or bar, usually), it's far more difficult to plan for all contingencies. For my monthly fetish parties, I try to have everything in hand that the local dungeon/community centers have, but as we only do the party one night a month compared to dungeons that might well open every weekend, carrying too many medical and safety supplies in and out can often become unrealistic and redundant to club protocol which might be to simply call in an EMT for safety concerns.

Additionally, there is the spectators to consider. In my area, play parties tend to be more for newbies and people just finding the community, while dungeons are typically the next step up and lifestylers. Although I may still play "heavy" at a play party, it doesn't allow me the freedom to run a more in-depth scene that a dungeon would, and rightly so. The combination of newbies and limited safety definitely is too much of a risk to chance.

3 hours ago, phoenyx said:

Interesting though, where I came from, subs were far more stoic.  Other than the occasional moan, there was silence.  Doms and Dominas had to rely more on  body language.  Of course, this allowed for nightclub scenes to be more intense.  Still, if *** was drawn, the session had to be shut-down---those local ordinances again.

But this is more discussing the different types of play. A d/s scene in which one is exerting command over another is very different than a s/m scene sharing the intensity of extreme passion. The intent and desired outcome are different and shows in the play, itself. That is not to say one is better or worse, both are viable forms of play with a lot to offer. But, considering not many can get loud at their personal residence, this is a huge allure of a dungeon for many - it is a place we can have intense scenes that might cause screams.

Not for naught, my slave wouldn't make a ***p if Christian Grey was spanking her, either. Just food for thought. Haha.

3 hours ago, phoenyx said:

 How would we have felt, if we had been denied the experience, because of our naïveté?

What I'm hoping to avoid is being denied an experience, because of other's naivety, which seems far more criminal (although no less of an offense, I will concede).

Edited June 6, 2020 by Cade