Vanilla + Sadist

[MerlotMuse]

Hello, looking for some advice. My husband left the BDSM lifestyle before we married and now 7 years down the track I come home early one day and find him back in the lifestyle. Me: apparently Vanilla... I've been adventurous and open minded in my time but never "lived it" like he has. I asked why he doesn't want to share that side with me, as I have expressed curiosity before whenever BDSM came up in conversation, but he informed me that he is a sadist and didn't want to do those things to/with me.  I even bought some beginner props so he could teach me but that fell flat and everything is still in the box. As this is something that I obviously can't give him, a conversation has now started about him continuing this while we continue with our marriage, as he says he needs it and has been denying himself and who am I to say no to a Dom!

I guess I'm just looking for some guidance or tips of any sort as to whether or not the community thinks this type of existence has worked before or would work? A vanilla and a sadist? I have no interest in having whoever the other people are in my personal life. I don't want to deny him but also want to stay true to myself by having some rules in place. I'd rather know he was doing it than be hurt again by the secrecy.  Sorry if this was too "vanilla" for you all but I would really love some feedback so thought I'd throw myself right in the middle of it!  

Thanks heaps

[Southerngagirl69]

It's not too vanilla. It is real and thank u for putting it out there. I am confused as to why he can't or wont include u in his world if you are willing and interested. If he is a Dom why doesnt he mentor u on becoming a good sub? I'm sure this works for some ppl and some relationships. The question is what do u feel comfortable w and want?

[Wo****]

I'm sleepy but wanted to respond to this.... (likely to edit later)

 

What do you get from it?

 

In theory it could work but there has to give and take and he needs to reassure you, a lot.

Why does he not want to do it with you?

Is it something you'd explore with him? Why will he not teach you?

 

Who are you to say no to a Dom? His partner... 

And submissives have every right to say no anyway.

 

You're considering allowing him to have something he "needs" he has to consider your needs too.

[MerlotMuse]

It is definitely something I would explore. His reasoning was that I don’t like *** and he likes to inflict ***. Apart from that, I have no idea. 
 

What would I get out of it? Hopefully a happier husband and relationship. I’d rather work with him than against him and know what he is doing as opposed to wondering.

 

Maybe I’m not broaching the “teach me” aspect clearly enough?

[Deleted Member]

Talk and then talk some more.Dont beat around the bush you must tell him directly how you feel.Situations such as this have the potential to destroy solid,loving relationships.Of course you can say no,this is a common misconception about the s/d dynamic,the word no is so so important.You are a person too and your needs are just as important as his.Show him your post as it pretty much says it perfectly.You must express how you feel to him or for me disaster awaits.

[Carnelian2]

I recognise the turmoil he must be going through and also appreciate the effect it has on you. As others have said; you have a strong relationship and the fact that you can even mention the topic is a sign of this strength in the underlying relationship. If you build on that through communication then this is a start

[MerlotMuse]

Thank you, it’s given me a bit of a confidence boost to face it head on and not beat around the bush. If I’m asking for full honesty I should only offer the same. 

[Lovelylola1990]

He should use his status as a Dom to manipulate you and not regards your opinion or concerns! You have every right to say No to a Dom that’s the point. I was going to suggest opening up your marriage; maybe you could find a sub and enjoy it together however I think your husband needs to really look into the fundamentals around being a Dom before exploring further... there is so much more to bdsm than the physical aspect! Good luck, I feel like you are going to need it xxx

[Vandalslut]

4 hours ago, MerlotMuse said:

a conversation has now started about him continuing this while we continue with our marriage, as he says he needs it and has been denying himself and who am I to say no to a Dom!

 He's refusing to make you his submissive, or train you as such; therefore he is NOT your Dom.  He can't have it every which way to suit himself. If you're willing to come across the bridge, then as a serious Dom he can come across the bridge as well and meet you in the middle.  If he could tone down the inflicting of ***, would that work for you? As a Dom, I would have thought he would know how to inflict 'sweet ***'. If he still won't consider the prospect of taking you and training you as his submissive, then rules will need to be made - eg, he will have to have his BDSM scenes away from the marital home, no bringing anyone back, all phone calls pertaining to it go to his mobile/cell, not the usual home communication.   If he's prepared to have an open marriage - and it does work very well for many - then you have the right to find a BDSM partner that would suit you if you still care to try the life. You're not too vanilla - you've shown excellent sense in asking.  Good luck.

[ey****]

he might be *a* Dom (or been one previously) but he isn't *your* Dom.  You don't have to enter any form of sadomasochist relationship with him just because he is/was into it.

If your relationship is working well, you don't need to complex it with something neither of you is really gonna enjoy (he doesn't want to do it with you because he doesn't want to hurt *you* presumably because he doesn't see you *that* way or knows you're not into it and you're worth more to him than his fetish)

What you can potentially do.... are you open to him playing with others?  You can have a discussion about being it OK for him to play with others within certain boundaries? 

[Re****]

I don't think it's a case of if a relationship like this can work but more can your individual marriage work/survive like it. You have to be totally honest with yourself, he entered in to a vanilla marriage with you, can you deal with him and his actions outside those constraints? Sounds like you have tried to understand and encourage him to involve you but he appears resistant to include you, if it were me I would be wondering exactly why this was, his reasons that you have stated just don't add up to me? I wish you all the best, but please have a long, hard and honest think within yourself and do what feels right to you, don't have to "put up" with anything for someone else, you have to feel comfortable with the situation or it could tear you apart mentally and emotionally.

[Deleted Member]

Like others have already said, you should have a really honest conversation, first with yourself and then with your husband. When you entered your marriage you both did as vanilla and now the rules are changing. Of course a relationship between a sadist and vanilla can exist. If you both wish it and work towards it. The question you have to ask yourself is , should it? In your core, what are you? Vanilla but curious or much darker? Because what you are considering here is allowing your husband to hurt you, and inflicting the ‘ sweet kind of ***’ won’t keep him satisfied for long. Can you live with that and learn to love it, knowing that it makes him happy, or are you going to grow resentful of him for enjoying inflicting *** on the person he loves. Can you reconcile that oxymoron in your head? From his point of view, perhaps that’s the reason he wants to keep it separate. Imagine being in his shoes- you love someone and therefore want to take every *** away, yet your kinky side enjoys inflicting *** immensely. How would you feel hurting the one you love, knowing that they are going through this only to please you? It’s complicated and it requires being ***fully honest with yourself and each other. Ultimate, sometimes love just isn’t enough and you need to find out if this is the case for you and him.

[Deleted Member]

I was the same way as you were in the beginning. Although we both are in the lifestyle, we both are married to each other and have others. He has a sub, and I have a dom. 1 thing is you have to keep it honest. 2 Communication is the key lol unfortunately some times I can't always communicate well but I try.. It's called a poly lifestyle when you're married/with 1 but you are seeing others. You are HIS wife! This is who you are and if you're not comfortable then say NO but it can make the marriage strained if it ain't already. By doing this it doesn't mean you don't love him, as he would love another girl as his submissive. I love my dom as my dom and my husband as my husband. It's different but that choice is completely up to you all.

[Deleted Member]

Well I myself have gone through a similar situation, myself wanting to try bdsm but I am married to a lovely man that I couldn't submit to as our relationship started well before I even new what bdsm was. I began by opening up my feeling towards a open marriage easing him into the idea we talked about it so much what rules we would have in place what we would do if the other started to feel unhappy or insecure, he then decided to research swinging clubs much toy surprise. I then discussed wanting to try bdsm with a experienced dom that wouldn't be him he struggled at first to why I needed it to be with someone else and not try with him but once I explained all he slowly got it, we talked so open never dismissed the others worry or feelings we talked through each stage even sharing small parts of conversations I was having with doms and reassuring once again, once I found a dom I thought was suited to my needs I discussed each part of how we would meet, once we met I talked him through what happened in the session it took some time for the jealous feelings to go but now he likes to hear my stories and look at my body after mine and my Sir's sessions he knows nothing has changed within our marriage, we are now stronger than ever we know nothing will break us apart and we can talk to each other about anything at all no matter how big or small. I also wouldn't do anything I wasn't happy with him doing he is also free to find a sub or dom and has actually done so, I'm a strong believer a marriage is equal if I'm doing it I am happy for him to be as well, if it was the other way around and he wanted to practice bdsm with others and not allow me the same I would then be very annoyed

[Carnelian2]

As others have said, it is about you deciding what you are happy with - not least emotionally - not everyone can take the emotional side of an open relationship but only you will know what you can accept or not. 

If, as said before, you have open and honest communication then it is important to discuss this and see what works for both of you. This is not easy.

[MerlotMuse]

I would like to thank everyone for your thoughts and comments. They have been greatly appreciated and taken into account and have been extremely helpful in making my decisions on where we go from here.  Thank you for being so accepting of my situation.  I had previously tried broaching this on another site and was met with very disturbing comments aimed at myself.  After reading some of the topics on here and seeing the outstanding responses, I felt confident in submitting my question in this particular forum.  It is something I never envisaged having to do.  I appreciate you all.  Thank you again :)