How To Approach BDSM When Demisexual

[sexwith-aghost13]

Demisexual is when you may not feel sexual attraction to someone or you have to be emotionally connected before sleeping with someone. How do I approach this in terms of having a bdsm relationship? I won't sleep with someone that I am not emotionally connected to because I just can't feel 100% sexually connected nor sexually attracted. I am afraid this will affect training/approaching a bdsm relationship.

[Deleted Member]

I’d say tell your potential partner you one day might wanna try BDSM one day, and check that that’s okay with them. Then just let them know when you’re ready. Communication is key.

[gr****]

You know BDSM does not require sex at all. I do BDSM regularly without sex. The big thing that is important is trust. So do not worry about sexual attraction as much as the trust aspect. Make sure you get to know the Dom well and build trust. So that you can establish that connection that will give you the meaningful experience.

[Lord_Talion]

Consider it like your relationships with freinds and teachers. I don't think you need emotional connections for those relations.

[Deleted Member]

This one I can actually speak to you first hand on. I am demisexual almost to the point of asexual. I'm a dom I have had multiple subs and currently have three. Two of them are in 24/7 tpe and one is more cgl. I am only active sexually with one of them. That particular sub is also my wife. This doesn't diminish the other relationships at all. One of my 24/7 tpe slave girls is also fully asexual. Our relationship is task, power dynamic, training based. There might be the opportunity to incorporate sex in at some point in the distant future and we are both open to that idea but it would be years down the road if it ever happened. I say this all for context so that you can know these types of relationships exist and can work. The biggest thing is being open and upfront with your needs and wants. That isn't to say there isn't a cost to approaching things this way. One of the best subs I ever had ended the relationship very early on due to the fact that she was extremely sexual before relational. She was an amazing sub and felt ready baked for me in almost every way. I didn't want to lose her but our needs just didn't align when it came to sexual timeline. That will most likely happen to you but don't be scared of it and don't feel you need to change yourself. There are a lot of people out there it just means it might take more time to find the right fit.

[Deleted Member]

I love this thread, I find far too many people hung up on the sevual side of things as in fucking, but for me their is nothing on earth as powerful and arousing as a Dom who knows how to get all those emotions out if you but tge does not actually fuck you. I have neber found penetrative sex particularly enjoyable. For me it us all about the head games, power dynamic rules, expectation. I served a Dom for over 8 years and he never fucked me once! 9h he used toys, and I pleasured him orally but the lo ger it went on the more I wanted it, but he totally understood that all that desire was in my head and the second he fucked me everything would change. Also I don't want to be in love with my Dom or him to love me. Care about and respect yes, but not love.... Does that make sense to you?

[ey****]

BDSM, Kink, Fetish - doesn't have to involve sex 

(some can depend on where you draw the line of what *is* sex, but I don't have sex with an awful lot of people I play with) 

This is a thing that can totally be a boundary, or soft limit 

I also think - a lot of really good play happens when there is an emotional connection so the concept of Demi- is often quite big within kink

[Deleted Member]

Btw @Celestial-Succubus I would be more than willing to show you a bit of how interactions work with my existing subs in this way if you want. Shoot me a DM if interested.

[sexwith-aghost13]

@mandonex It won't let me message because you have message filters and I do to

 

[Ju****]

I feel this. But mine confuses me.

I need to have the Emotional attraction.
But...
I also need the intelligence AND the physical, due to my kinks.
Found one partner who annoyingly ticks all my boxes in the best way haha, but for a second?! Near impossible, I am hvaing to maybe readjust some of my preferences or attractions but coming down to it, I find it's easier said than done.
Emotional connection for me is a massive thing. I find it hard to connect and give myself over in that way, but when I do it's amazing. That being said, if the person cannot stimulate my brain mentally and challenge me, hold decent conversation and spark my love button just by looking at them either, it's a pointless endevour.
But, that being said, as hard as it is, there are a lot like you (and myself I'm sure) who will understand and perhaps but they good fit for a relationship. Don't ever give up though!!

[sexwith-aghost13]

@Finally_Jen I feel the same way, I need someone who will also be on the same intellectual level as me which is very hard to find. Dominants, even when challenging them outside of the dynamic, always try to dominate and I would definitely need someone who won't try to bring our dynamic into intelligent conversation or doesn't mind challenging me without bringing up my role. 

I am super glad you found someone to match up with you, that is pretty rare, especially in bdsm. I am happy for you : ) Thank you for your encouragement !

[sexwith-aghost13]

I forgot to clarify in my post! Being demisexual does not just mean sex it means I will not do anything sexual at all with someone if I am not emotionally connected with. That means no touching sexually, rubbing, etc. The most I will do is cuddle with someone that is a stranger or that I do not feel strong emotions for but that is all.

 

[Deleted Member]

@Celestial-Succubus I'm having trouble figuring out how to turn my filters off but I did send you a spank. If you do the same we should be able to message. I believe that's the easiest way to get around the filter settings.

[Deleted Member]

Also I entirely agree on your above message about no sexual contact without connection. I have literally had subs that I have never seen naked. Hard to find people who are willing to have that sort of relationship but well worth it and rewarding when you do.

[gr****]

1 minute ago, mandonex said:

Also I entirely agree on your above message about no sexual contact without connection. I have literally had subs that I have never seen naked. Hard to find people who are willing to have that sort of relationship but well worth it and rewarding when you do.

You know I spent 6 months working with a sub who never saw me naked. I saw her naked but she never saw me that way. So yes the trust and connection really does need to be there. The sexual aspect is just a bonus once you reach that point.

[Ju****]

1 minute ago, Celestial-Succubus said:

@Finally_Jen I feel the same way, I need someone who will also be on the same intellectual level as me which is very hard to find. Dominants, even when challenging them outside of the dynamic, always try to dominate and I would definitely need someone who won't try to bring our dynamic into intelligent conversation or doesn't mind challenging me without bringing up my role. 

I am super glad you found someone to match up with you, that is pretty rare, especially in bdsm. I am happy for you : ) Thank you for your encouragement !

See this annoys me. Why do some associate Submissive with Stupid, and Dominant with superior, even down to intelligence. Can't people have intellectual conversations without bringing a role up or asserting themselves above another?! That's not what intelligence is. 

I do not have an active BDSM role such as dom/sub nor a dynamic of that sort. 

For me I find it helps me to have a "normal" relationship, love, care, support, friendship and intimacy WITHOUT a role. And then if and when we feel the sex and kink to come into play we switch it up, learn experiemnt and grow in our own way. I have yet to have a "true/sole D/s dynamic", I'm not currently into that lifestyle or type of relationship. But more so the poly and exploration lifestyle. Learning different people, kinks and ways. Than a focused dynamic with the one person. I don't know how to describe it and I hope I have no offended by stating my situation, I can be crap with wording. 

But for me, intelligence and conversation can be kept away from a dynamic as much as they can be part of them. I need a little bit of everything sadly and it's hard for me. But part of my adventure is finding that I guess. 

I am intelligent at times beyond my means, I don't let people know or see this, some times it can be good to be underestimated as I find people very soon show who and what they are if they think they are above you. Those of genuine and humble good natures soon come out and you can both be pleasantly surprised. 

[Deleted Member]

2 minutes ago, Finally_Jen said:

See this annoys me. Why do some associate Submissive with Stupid, and Dominant with superior, even down to intelligence. Can't people have intellectual conversations without bringing a role up or asserting themselves above another?! That's not what intelligence is. 

I do not have an active BDSM role such as dom/sub nor a dynamic of that sort. 

For me I find it helps me to have a "normal" relationship, love, care, support, friendship and intimacy WITHOUT a role. And then if and when we feel the sex and kink to come into play we switch it up, learn experiemnt and grow in our own way. I have yet to have a "true/sole D/s dynamic", I'm not currently into that lifestyle or type of relationship. But more so the poly and exploration lifestyle. Learning different people, kinks and ways. Than a focused dynamic with the one person. I don't know how to describe it and I hope I have no offended by stating my situation, I can be crap with wording. 

But for me, intelligence and conversation can be kept away from a dynamic as much as they can be part of them. I need a little bit of everything sadly and it's hard for me. But part of my adventure is finding that I guess. 

I am intelligent at times beyond my means, I don't let people know or see this, some times it can be good to be underestimated as I find people very soon show who and what they are if they think they are above you. Those of genuine and humble good natures soon come out and you can both be pleasantly surprised. 

I totally agree that the sub does not mean stupid. If someone can't challenge me intellectually I don't want them as a sub. That may sound judgmental but it's a huge turn off for me. They need to be able to carry on a conversation and we need to be able to improve each other otherwise what's really the point.

[Ju****]

Just now, mandonex said:

I totally agree that the sub does not mean stupid. If someone can't challenge me intellectually I don't want them as a sub. That may sound judgmental but it's a huge turn off for me. They need to be able to carry on a conversation and we need to be able to improve each other otherwise what's really the point.

Yes but there are some "dominants" who believe a sub must be lesser than. In my opinion they are not any means Dominant with this mindset. But some do operate this way, I have noticed with the ones who try to take your voice "You may only speak if I allow you" , "Only my way is right". Well no "Sir", if you think I will allow you to treat me as a doormat and like my voice and intelligence is lesser, you can fuck right off up the poop chute you came from, respectfully ofcourse. 

I know how some work, I know to avoid them like a plague. But a submissive can and a lot of times are, intellectually more prominant than some dominants, I guess it's down to individuals, but in course with the topic, I feel intellect and emotion can go hand in hand. 

If a man was not willing to open to me, or offer me intimacy, emotional love and understanding in return for mine, even if I feel it, I cannot work in that. 

[Deleted Member]

I don't normally add to forums but that's me I have a weird set of rules I live my life by

[Deleted Member]

Dam phone to continue you all have good points but jen is closer to what my views are .some of the doms act like

[Deleted Member]

Ffs .they decree what there sub's can do not do and when and who to speak to and 24/7 .that worrys me to the core ,I have to know and trust my partners ,I am poly and a switch and if in eather scenario trust is always to the front I will never dictate outside of the play dynamics what someone should do .I have seen in the real world what that can do to a person or people and it is still giving me nightmares. Each one must go with their boundaries and not be pressured out side in R/l always trust your gut and if in doubt talk to ones that you trust .they may not agree with your views but they will give their honest veiw of it and will not try to make u change but give you more data to assess

[Soulful_Kinkster]

Lovely thread. I m a Demisexual Dom and I like to be connected to be attracted. Even for BDSM, I need to know the sub to some extent, maybe at least talk, get a feel of likes/dislikes to be involved in some BDSM. Again, BDSM is not just about sexual connection. It is about connection person to person and discussing and agreeing to needs, wants, and desires. To me I tell my subs, it’s about 3Cs: Communication, Chemistry and Consent. I have subs who are very sexual and it plays a very strong part in our dynamic and subs who wants to be totally non sexual in our dynamic. The latter dynamics only involved non sexual activities such as impact play, accountability, tasks, discipline etc.

A sub is neither inferior than Dom nor Dom is superior to the sub. They are equal partners who consent to be in a dynamic where one likes to be controlled or led while other lines to control or lead. It’s plain simple. Of course after dynamic I always enjoy discussing what worked and didn’t work.

To me, outside dynamic or even with dynamic I enjoy a good intellectual conversation. It just enriches the experience. It adds to the growth of the dynamic, developing stronger bond and trust between Dom and sub.

[Deleted Member]

So the way I've done it for myself, because I'm looking for a 24/7 Dom, is just lots of vetting and getting close to them. Sex is great but for me having the mental and emotional connection only enhances the sexual attraction. So mostly just be honest and take it at your own pace. As far as training I've discovered that all Dom's have their own style and that means you always need at least some new training for each dynamic. So I wouldn't so much worry about that, you can study up, but it'll be a step by step process with each new Dom anyway. 

Edited May 7, 2022 by Deleted Member
Vetting was spelled wrong

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, DaveT99599 said:

Lovely thread. I m a Demisexual Dom and I like to be connected to be attracted. Even for BDSM, I need to know the sub to some extent, maybe at least talk, get a feel of likes/dislikes to be involved in some BDSM. Again, BDSM is not just about sexual connection. It is about connection person to person and discussing and agreeing to needs, wants, and desires. To me I tell my subs, it’s about 3Cs: Communication, Chemistry and Consent. I have subs who are very sexual and it plays a very strong part in our dynamic and subs who wants to be totally non sexual in our dynamic. The latter dynamics only involved non sexual activities such as impact play, accountability, tasks, discipline etc.

A sub is neither inferior than Dom nor Dom is superior to the sub. They are equal partners who consent to be in a dynamic where one likes to be controlled or led while other lines to control or lead. It’s plain simple. Of course after dynamic I always enjoy discussing what worked and didn’t work.

To me, outside dynamic or even with dynamic I enjoy a good intellectual conversation. It just enriches the experience. It adds to the growth of the dynamic, developing stronger bond and trust between Dom and sub.

I think you hit the nail on the head. Some of the previous comments excluded 24/7 tpe dynamics but if you apply the concepts in this post you can still give someone authority over every part of your life without diminishing yourself. It's a complex yet staggeringly simple thing and for me a thing of incredible beauty.

[RAMB]

I agree totaly,i like to be attracted to them also but i can like the training without the sexual part also i like the role-play ect,it can be non sexual also,i like to have a connection with a mistress also,dont get me wrong,sex is great but i would like the connection to be there also,but i still like the sex also.