Limits - accepted or not

[Newbiesub868]

So I had an experience I have to share maybe just to get it off my chest and I am even angrier today.

For the Doms, do you accept limits and if so is your expectation to just accept them, work your sub through them or breakdown your sub?

I am a sub, I am not weak or a pushover. I have limits and some of then are hard limits. The hard limits are just that, they are off the table for me and will remain that way until I make the decision to work through them.

Recently in a relationship, hard limit of no threesomes accepted (especially with a woman). We had a wonderful time getting to know each other and experienced a wonderful day of playing.

After a return from vacation the topic of being with a woman was brought up again and I was told this was a deal breaker. I was shocked and hurt to say the least because my hard limit was accepted.

Stupidly I agree to at least talk to other women and see. Each night we talked about it ended in tears and the one woman he asked me to talk with also ended in tears and panic attacks (not fun at all).

Now the relationship is over. I guess I am saying to those Doms that take limits lightly, dont. They are there for a reason and it isnt up to you to make the decisions for us. This is also why I will never become a slave and give someone complete and utter control of me. I was working in my control issues that were caused by abuse and getting much better with them. Well guess what, they are back and worse than ever because one Dom refused to respect my choice and has now damaged me more into accepting and trusting another Dom.

[VictoriaBlisse]

I'm so sorry you've experienced this. No means no. It should always mean no and hard limits are never up for negotiation. 

Well done for sticking by your guns. I know it must have been hard to break away but I think you did the right thing. 

There are wonderful Doms out there who respect limits, but you take your time in deciding what to do and where to go next. 

[Deleted Member]

Limits; soft limits or hard limits should ALWAYS be respected. Always. There's no two ways about it. If it's a 'no' then that's the end of the discussion. On both sides. A sub has no less power than a dom does.

[Hexy]

Your hard limits are there for a reason. Only soft limits are there to be pushed at a comfortable pace. limits are something that should always be accepted no matter what, if any Domme/Dom does not respect this then they are not to be trusted in my oppinion. Always remember, just because you are the sub, doesnt mean you are powerless, infact it is quite the opposite, the sub gives the power to their Dom/Domme, after all, your safety is in their hands

[Daddys_little_girl]

I'm sorry but that sure doesn't sound like a Dom to me. 
God it makes me so cross when 'people' (I won't say men) use the BDSM tag to abuse others. 

Limits should always be respected (and that's by both sides of the slash). I've had 'Doms' ask about my limits and in the next breath try to dissuade me out of them. PASS!! 

Sorry for you experience, I hope you can heal in time. 

Edited July 30, 2018 by Daddys_little_girl

[Deleted Member]

I’m so sorry that you experienced this with your “Dom” and I use that word lightly, as clearly he isn’t Dom at all and more just a power hungry idiot that craves control and only cares for his desires. To me, my subs limits are very important, and I would t ever do anything they weren’t happy with, or try and push anything in then they didn’t want to do. I find it a great honour when a submissive trusts me enough to give me full control over their pleasure. So I please want you to know not all of us Dom/Dommes are bad!! There are some of us out there that can be trusted, and I hope you find someone perfect for you very soon, so that you can build that trust back up x

[ey****]

limits are limits

there are too many (particularly male Dominants) who see limits as challenges - and that's a big no no from the start.

Limits can be flexible and changeable (this also means things that were not a limit can become one) but ultimately they shouldn't be broken unless you're ready.

[Tw****]

I will just throw in a little comment. Before I do that I also wanted to pass on my sympathy for you being subjected to this terrible behaviour and can only wish the best. I feel that each play session should always be consensual and that means your limits should always be respected and you can change them at any time. If there is a softer limit that you are prepared to allow to be pushed then that is your decision and not anyone else's. If the Dom does anything that has not been negotiated or agreed to then it is abuse and not BDSM. As has been said below he is (at best) an idiot, not a Dom.

[Deleted Member]

May I just say... he is an absolute arse and shouldn't call himself a domme.

[Deleted Member]

Dom even. Sorry. Autocorrect is used to me typing female equivalent...

[Deleted Member]

Really sorry you had to share this bad experience but also thanks to do it so we can see its still happen!! Hard limits should always been respected and only rediscussed by the sub, but never by the Dom. The only issue here is that you agree to let him bullying you into it, you show him that he's in control of your limits and let me break the contract you had at the beginning of your relationship. For all the subs out there learn from that mistake and make sure you remind your Dom about this. You hold the keys of your hard limits and only you can open that door.

[northern_dom]

I hate to read things like this. I'll apologise on his behalf. My advice going forward is if someone starts to push a hard limit then you need to re-evaluate your position in that agreement 100%.

 

Hard limits are to be respected not pushed. You may decide to change your hard limits over time but that's your choice. 

 

He has shown you a huge lack of disrespect here and you are way better off out of any arrangement like that. 

 

Good luck for the future. 

[Deleted Member]

can't speak from a place of experience on this at any level but find this the most disturbing aspect couldn't the mods" not and I use the words loosely because I think it would be very hard to completely police it,but maybe with the help of the poor victims and the many or most very intelligent men and women on this site set up some sort of report " a prick" forum so many strikes your banned,it's a question ????

[VictoriaBlisse]

10 hours ago, TAINTEDLOVE941 said:

can't speak from a place of experience on this at any level but find this the most disturbing aspect couldn't the mods" not and I use the words loosely because I think it would be very hard to completely police it,but maybe with the help of the poor victims and the many or most very intelligent men and women on this site set up some sort of report " a prick" forum so many strikes your banned,it's a question ????

 

If anyone has an issue with another user not respecting limits or displaying other dangerous behaviours I would encourage them to report them. We can only really act on behaviour that happens on site, though. But we do take it all very seriously.  

[Deleted Member]

Victoria Blisse,hon"💞 I totally agree that you can only "police" what happens on the site and I think the mod" boys and girls do a fantastic job ,in what is a very difficult and wide ranging task,to police this amazing kinky playground 💋💞 respect x

[Deleted Member]

Newbiesub868, that's an awful experience, it'll be so much harder to trust another dom... But I hope you'll find someone right, there are many good doms out there!

 

As for no limits, I find myself a bit confused after reading all the posts. I understand that soft limits may be pushed, but is that really up to the sub? Where's the fun in that? And wouldn't it be like a tribute of trust, to give away this decision to the Dom?

 

I am not allowed limits (at least that's what I'm told). To the point in which He pushed one of my hard limits and made it soft. It's certainly not easy, it's a hudge internal conflict - but if both patries enjoy this state of mind and the one that comes after, then what's the hurt in it? I guess it's not for everyone, but guys - you saying that a sub is as powerful as Dom... It it really like that? Subs give away the power, so that the dom is powerful for them both... Or not? Eventually it's all up to you if you want an out, but... Argh, your comments left me with lots to think about! (:

 

Again, I hope it'll be allright, Newbiesub868!

 

 

[Deleted Member]

@Totheblues I think you are a bit confused. I had to look at your profile to check why you are not allowed limits!

But even slave have limits, otherwise its real slavery and illegal in most country now. Even yours.

And no, a sub is not as powerful as Dom because its called power exchange...a sub once trust her Dom give up all to Him and in return she will gain care, respect, pleasure, pain and plenty of huggs. Subject to the contract they agree upon. Which include hard limits, what type of dynamics etc...

[BigPolly]

13 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

And no, a sub is not as powerful as Dom because its called power exchange...a sub once trust her Dom give up all to Him and in return she will gain care, respect, pleasure, pain and plenty of huggs. 

Rubbish! As a sub I am an equal to any Dom I play with, without my gift of submission he couldn’t be a Dom within that play situation. It is my choice if I submit, if I allow my limits to be reached not a Doms, limits can be pushed but the end result is down to me, hence the reason for safe words. It is down to me if I decided to hand over trust or control. 

To hand full control over to someone is hugely powerful. We then ‘both’ receive care, respect & pleasure. 

As you say it’s a ‘Power Exchange’ ....exchange is exactly what it is, giving power & receiving power in return, that can’t be one sided so therefore one party is as powerfully important  as the other. 

To believe a sub is not as powerful as yourself as a Dom is simply narcissistic. 

Edited October 27, 2018 by BigPolly

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, BigPolly said:

Rubbish! As a sub I am an equal to any Dom I play with (...). To believe a sub is not as powerful as yourself as a Dom is simply narcissistic. 

How on earth would giving away the power to control and decide make a submissive to be below the dominant?

But with total power exchange, be it for a scene or for an LTR, the truth is - we are not as powerful as them. We gave that away - and it's a beaufiful gift, because as you've said, it cannot be onesided, they need us as much as we need them.

So I'm afraid I'll be the devil's advocate, as it' is not narcissistic. If anything, and I mean no offence BigPolly, your post strikes me as a bit narcissistic.  

You can't both have the power, it disagrees with the very purpose. And what's wrong with that? Safe words and stopping a scene are different, it was agreed upon earlier, out of respect and, perhaps, care for you. 

[Deleted Member]

Well without a Dom you are not a sub. 

By your position you are giving up your power hence you don’t have it anymore.

its not narcissistic it’s logic, I still respect, care but the power is all mine. And my sub love that situation that I have the power over her. I take all the decision related to our relationship and sometime to her vanilla life. She might suggest or tell me how she enjoyed certains “things” I did to her but the decision is mine to do it. 

 

[BigPolly]

31 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

Well without a Dom you are not a sub. 

My point exactly, the power of each is equally important. 

I cant imagine during my 20yrs as a Domme thinking at any point that I was more powerful than anyone. I always simply considered it a huge compliment that someone would trust me so deeply with their pleasure, pain, safety, aftercare etc. At no point would I have expected all power & limits to be handed to me or that would’ve made them my slaves not my subs. How much control a sub hands over is personal within that situation.

I don’t see it as narcissistic @Totheblues I speak simply from my personal experience as a sub & a Domme in a personal setting & as a Domme within a work/club setting. To both have equal amounts of power compliments a situation. It isn’t the same power or we would be butting heads but the power we have is just as important. 

For example @FabSeverus states ‘I take all the decision related to our relationship’ so that decision has to be allowed in order to be made. If the sub hadn’t handed over her control then those decisions can’t be made, she had the power to allow that & has the power to change that at any time.

if you choose for the power in your relationships to be one sided that is a personal decision within that relationship & by no means the way it should be expected  ....& this is what makes us all wonderfully different 😊

[Co****]

First of all a D/ s relationship is based on trust and same tastes and agreement . A sub limits need to be respected and you as Dom need to help her reach that limits . Alot of people's make mistake comparing D/s with slavey ...is not even close ...a sub give up her power by love and respect and never by fear . A real sub never fallow the rules because is scare of repercussions or just because her Dom say so...but because she know what is good and what is wrong . Alot of men tink sub all time are shy ..week womens.. nothing more false ..some can be strong women in carrier .. Is a must to respect a sub limits ...a real Dom will respect this limits ..in time this limits can be extended only by agreement .

[Deleted Member]

@BigPolly I see your point now! :)

@Costi -  Why wouldn't a 'real sub' follow rules just because the Master/Mistress said so? If a  slave (and I mean consensual slavery, not every D/s means that) is told to do something, they obey, period. We surrendered our will to our Doms. So if my Dom tells me to do something, then I effing will, if only just because He said so. And if that would be too much, there are safe words, respectful discussion and sharing the feelings about it. 

[Co****]

@Totheblues...in my opinion consensual slavery how you say is more a role playing because you choice to be a slave sometimes....but I understand what you want to say and of course is possible to fallow order just because Dom say so 

 

[LittlePeri]

On 7/29/2018 at 6:41 AM, Newbiesub868 said:

So I had an experience I have to share maybe just to get it off my chest and I am even angrier today.

For the Doms, do you accept limits and if so is your expectation to just accept them, work your sub through them or breakdown your sub?

I am a sub, I am not weak or a pushover. I have limits and some of then are hard limits. The hard limits are just that, they are off the table for me and will remain that way until I make the decision to work through them.

Recently in a relationship, hard limit of no threesomes accepted (especially with a woman). We had a wonderful time getting to know each other and experienced a wonderful day of playing.

After a return from vacation the topic of being with a woman was brought up again and I was told this was a deal breaker. I was shocked and hurt to say the least because my hard limit was accepted.

Stupidly I agree to at least talk to other women and see. Each night we talked about it ended in tears and the one woman he asked me to talk with also ended in tears and panic attacks (not fun at all).

Now the relationship is over. I guess I am saying to those Doms that take limits lightly, dont. They are there for a reason and it isnt up to you to make the decisions for us. This is also why I will never become a slave and give someone complete and utter control of me. I was working in my control issues that were caused by abuse and getting much better with them. Well guess what, they are back and worse than ever because one Dom refused to respect my choice and has now damaged me more into accepting and trusting another Dom.

Limits need to respected regardless of what a Dom feels about it. Just like if someone asks for sex on a date and one person isnt for it you shouldn't force it. If this is a deal breaker you two sound as though you are not very compatable. Relationships, especially in BDSM require trust, respect and honest communication with your partner. It sounded like the other party wasnt being respectful or honest with you. So it doesn't sound safe for you as a sub to trust them.