Kink Husband/Vanilla Wife (Advice?)

[En****]

Hello! Background info: Inexperienced in Sex outside of marriage (only 3x before I met my wife)

So I have recently started exploring more of what I’d like out of a sex life. That has introduced BDSM into my life as I’ve explored taking tests, lurking, reading erotica 🥵, finding what turns me on.

This has led me to realize that the reason I don’t have much of a sex drive is that our sex is boring for me. Missionary mostly with me on top. We did more at the beginning of our relationship but we have both gained weight since then and that has caused issues. Doggy was a favorite but her butt/our height difference/ and my belly cause a lot of issues and i can stay in for very long before having issues).

We tried some new stuff tonight and I didn’t cum. I wanted to, she wanted me to, it felt good, but I just couldn’t cum.

I just don’t know what to do or if it is just a trial and error situation or what? Not sure if anyone has experienced this but I’d appreciate any feedback.

Kinda venting but feedback is appreciated.

TLRD; Kink Husband (me) and Vanilla wife are having compatibility issues and I have a hard time cumming. Has anyone experienced this and how do you recommend navigating this?

[Deleted Member]

This could have been written by me…weight issues and libido differences. I got so fed up with Vanilla bland sex I stopped having sex at all , this led to depression and further weight gains.
I’ve signed up on here to try and put a spark back into my sex life. I dont think I have a particular fetish I just want more than vanilla.

[ey****]

I think the questions are

- in your exploration/research of BDSM - what have you found is turning you on?

- have you raised any of this with your wife?

even if your wife seems vanilla there might be some scope for mutual overlap or things you can do which help

 

[so****]

Probably try what you tried a few more times. Not every time you have sex for the next month but you may both be feeling more tense / under pressure to “perform”. Other creative things to experiment with as well would be good - mixing it up and suddenly with a bit of luck the right button somewhere will get pressed.

[Haircutter156]

This is me too! Wife seems to want to just read her romance novels and then have me on top whilst I c*m then she does her thing in private. I lost interest a long while ago not surprisingly. She finds all my kink/fetish related stuff ‘silly’ and ‘weird’ and doesn’t want anything to do with it.

[Ma****]

I had a similar problem, my wife decided I was "weird"I said I like her using her fingernails on my bum, , as doggy was a no go, as it hurt her, missionary was my only option, yes, boring,

[DarkArts1066]

Ok… so here goes.

First things first.. breathe - and relax.
Stress and anxiety will lock up your balls faster than any physical incompatibility issues…. And contribute to the fog of confusion that you are feeling right now.

Forget the BDSM and kink for a few minutes, and maybe just focus on how you deal with that incompatibility. If your wife is vanilla, then - for now, just focus on being able to have good sex together. That is a platform from which you can springboard to other pleasures.

You have been very honest in stating that you have both gained weight. Now, there is no magical elixir that can add four inches onto your penis overnight…. Or miraculously part your wife’s thighs, and make her vagina more accessible… so you will BOTH most likely need to address your weight issues at some point for things to be better for you.

I am not going to tell you how to do that - despite being a qualified strength and conditioning coach - that is something for you BOTH to address locally, and in a way that is manageable for both of you. Do it together, go for walks, plan meals and cook together - those things do work.

I have a genuinely high sex drive. Many people claim to have, but mine is real, and a pain in the ass. If I don’t orgasm twice a day - every day, then I can become a grumpy ba**ard. My ladyfriends all live a fair distance from me, and so I don’t always get exactly what I want and need.

The next thing is quite obvious, but we forget it when we have other things going around in our heads.

There are other pleasures available to us than intercourse. Oral and manual stimulation - for both of you, for the time being may prove to be a means to an end
- For the time being …. I’m not suggesting forever.
Add in a bit of food play (whipped cream, melted chocolate (not too hot !!) or hot and cold play (ice cream, coffee etc) and you have a little side kink going on there.

Maybe that is the way to softly introduce the idea of more adventurous play to your wife - rather than screwing eyelets into the bedroom ceiling, and attempting to tie her to them one evening when she is least expecting it. (Yes - I do know someone whose wife caught him fixing some chrome work to the bedroom ceiling one evening when she came home - and asked him what the hell he was doing. )

Please be open and honest with each other… redefine your relationship with affection and desire, and navigate this together.

When we are first introduced to kink (and I was no exception) it’s like being a kid and given the key to Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory……
We want to sample it all - now, this instant.

Try and approach it from a more logical perspective. I believe we all have a “top three” kinks and fetishes inside us.
Focus on the things that make you hard. Use those for self pleasure - for your own relief - for now.

To recap:
- Deal with your mutual weight issues together.
- Introduce soft kinks into your regular sex play.
- Learn to reconnect with each other. Be open and honest when discussing your issues, but always remain calm, think logically, and listen to each other.
Active listening is as important as communicating your own thoughts and desires.

I am happy to chat with you - (both of you if you would like), privately.

I wish you the greatest of luck and success, and hope that some of my thoughts at least will help.

[CopperKnob]

Because I noted that a few guys were mentioning that they libido didn't match that of their wives I checked out your ages and, making an assumption that your wives are of a similar age, wanted to point out the following:
Those that were assigned the female gender at birth have undergo significant hornomal changes from anywhere aged 35yrs upwards. Those changes in oestrogen, progesterone and primarily testosterone impact upon their libido.
Have a watch of Davina's documentaries on C4. They're pretty insightful
They also may not be having a good time during sexual activity so why not, if you haven't already, chat to them about it?
Kink is not a replacement for 'boring' sex lifes

[Deleted Member]

Could your partner feel and/or feel "dirty" or "vulgar" or "sl*t" when she opens up to BDSM? The social view on BDSM usually puts a lot of pressure on women in particular, which makes them feel uncomfortable.

[Matttster]

I would suggest being open and honest with your partner. That does not mean that you have to tell them all your dirty little thoughts, but it does mean you need to discuss things.

That means talking about how you feel and what you are interested in as well as asking your partner how they feel and what they are interested in. Try some new things, then talk about it afterwards; not necessarily immediately afterwards, but talk about what was good and not so good for both (all) of you.

Another suggestion I have would be to learn what your partner enjoys, then exploring that interest. Often times the more satisfied ones partner is, the more open they are too making you satisfied. So if you make her (I noted most comments were men) have an intense orgasm (or ideally more then one), then she may be compelled to reciprocate.

I would also suggest doing research. Reading about different kinks and understanding them. This does not just mean watching pornography and reading erotica, but actually understanding. In part this is for safety (there are some kinks that can cause harm (or worse) if not careful).

[ma****]

Have you openly discussed how and what you would like to try in regards to kink? In regards to both of you gaining weight, perhaps you could change that by putting effort and losing some weight if the weight causes issues.

About your wife being vanilla, I would say that, if you tried discussing with her your kinks and she is not receptive or she isn't kinky, then you must accept that that's who she is and she can't be forced into becoming someone she is not (there are many vanilla people and that is okay). In that circumstance, you have three options:
1. You can either discuss with her and try to see if she is open for an open marriage;
2. In case she isn't open for an open marriage, you continue being with her, but your needs won't be met (because doing things behind her back would be consider chating, ergo, abuse);
3. The two of you are simply incompatible, therefore a divorce might be needed.

Having similar sex drive is extremely important. A person with a high sex drive won't be compatible with someone having a very low sex drive.

[ma****]

2 hours ago, DarkArts1066 said:

Ok… so here goes.

First things first.. breathe - and relax.
Stress and anxiety will lock up your balls faster than any physical incompatibility issues…. And contribute to the fog of confusion that you are feeling right now.

Forget the BDSM and kink for a few minutes, and maybe just focus on how you deal with that incompatibility. If your wife is vanilla, then - for now, just focus on being able to have good sex together. That is a platform from which you can springboard to other pleasures.

You have been very honest in stating that you have both gained weight. Now, there is no magical elixir that can add four inches onto your penis overnight…. Or miraculously part your wife’s thighs, and make her vagina more accessible… so you will BOTH most likely need to address your weight issues at some point for things to be better for you.

I am not going to tell you how to do that - despite being a qualified strength and conditioning coach - that is something for you BOTH to address locally, and in a way that is manageable for both of you. Do it together, go for walks, plan meals and cook together - those things do work.

I have a genuinely high sex drive. Many people claim to have, but mine is real, and a pain in the ass. If I don’t orgasm twice a day - every day, then I can become a grumpy ba**ard. My ladyfriends all live a fair distance from me, and so I don’t always get exactly what I want and need.

The next thing is quite obvious, but we forget it when we have other things going around in our heads.

There are other pleasures available to us than intercourse. Oral and manual stimulation - for both of you, for the time being may prove to be a means to an end
- For the time being …. I’m not suggesting forever.
Add in a bit of food play (whipped cream, melted chocolate (not too hot !!) or hot and cold play (ice cream, coffee etc) and you have a little side kink going on there.

Maybe that is the way to softly introduce the idea of more adventurous play to your wife - rather than screwing eyelets into the bedroom ceiling, and attempting to tie her to them one evening when she is least expecting it. (Yes - I do know someone whose wife caught him fixing some chrome work to the bedroom ceiling one evening when she came home - and asked him what the hell he was doing. )

Please be open and honest with each other… redefine your relationship with affection and desire, and navigate this together.

When we are first introduced to kink (and I was no exception) it’s like being a kid and given the key to Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory……
We want to sample it all - now, this instant.

Try and approach it from a more logical perspective. I believe we all have a “top three” kinks and fetishes inside us.
Focus on the things that make you hard. Use those for self pleasure - for your own relief - for now.

To recap:
- Deal with your mutual weight issues together.
- Introduce soft kinks into your regular sex play.
- Learn to reconnect with each other. Be open and honest when discussing your issues, but always remain calm, think logically, and listen to each other.
Active listening is as important as communicating your own thoughts and desires.

I am happy to chat with you - (both of you if you would like), privately.

I wish you the greatest of luck and success, and hope that some of my thoughts at least will help.

Thank you for this, I'm not in a relationship at the moment but this is kinda what was in my head but I couldn't get it out properly in how to start a new relationship with these thing's in mind, of how to approach thing's, I still don't think I've put this answer out in properly getting it out of my head, if you get my meaning, because it can be a touchy subject to approach.

[Matttster]

22 minutes ago, madkitty76 said:

Thank you for this, I'm not in a relationship at the moment but this is kinda what was in my head but I couldn't get it out properly in how to start a new relationship with these thing's in mind, of how to approach thing's, I still don't think I've put this answer out in properly getting it out of my head, if you get my meaning, because it can be a touchy subject to approach.

Madkitty76 I would suggest being open and honest in your vanilla dating life. That does not mean talking about your kinks on your first date, but it does mean discussing it as you start reach intimacy. I think that there are a lot of kinky people out there, it is a matter of being open to exploring things that are not considered “normal”.

[Deleted Member]

49 minutes ago, maryioni said:

Have you openly discussed how and what you would like to try in regards to kink? In regards to both of you gaining weight, perhaps you could change that by putting effort and losing some weight if the weight causes issues.

About your wife being vanilla, I would say that, if you tried discussing with her your kinks and she is not receptive or she isn't kinky, then you must accept that that's who she is and she can't be forced into becoming someone she is not (there are many vanilla people and that is okay). In that circumstance, you have three options:
1. You can either discuss with her and try to see if she is open for an open marriage;
2. In case she isn't open for an open marriage, you continue being with her, but your needs won't be met (because doing things behind her back would be consider chating, ergo, abuse);
3. The two of you are simply incompatible, therefore a divorce might be needed.

Having similar sex drive is extremely important. A person with a high sex drive won't be compatible with someone having a very low sex drive.

I think there is some middle ground and a possible sequence of steps to get her into it more.

As in my pushing boundaries thread, maybe she's not into something currently but it doesn't mean she can't become open to it later on.

Start small.

 

 

[16****]

I too had little experience before my marriage. We had a lot of issues and sex was very vanilla. We ended up getting divorced. Once I tried kink a few weeks ago, I had the most intense orgasm. I also decided to workout more because I wanted to feel good about myself. I think you should just keep trying until you find what works.

[ma****]

46 minutes ago, Matttster said:

Madkitty76 I would suggest being open and honest in your vanilla dating life. That does not mean talking about your kinks on your first date, but it does mean discussing it as you start reach intimacy. I think that there are a lot of kinky people out there, it is a matter of being open to exploring things that are not considered “normal”.

That's exactly what I want to do, but couldn't think of how to word it, brain's just not cooperating, theses are the type of conversations I want to have.

[ma****]

18 minutes ago, Mathbro said:

I think there is some middle ground and a possible sequence of steps to get her into it more.

As in my pushing boundaries thread, maybe she's not into something currently but it doesn't mean she can't become open to it later on.

Start small.

 

 

Or she might simply not be into it at all, especially if there were a few discussions about it and she is unwilling to try it. We can't and shouldn't force kink or sex into people.

[DarkArts1066]

1 hour ago, madkitty76 said:

Thank you for this, I'm not in a relationship at the moment but this is kinda what was in my head but I couldn't get it out properly in how to start a new relationship with these thing's in mind, of how to approach thing's, I still don't think I've put this answer out in properly getting it out of my head, if you get my meaning, because it can be a touchy subject to approach.

madkitty76 - it’s difficult sometimes to articulate what we want - or in some cases, need from a relationship… and the question of how to start a new relationship - with a preconception of what you want from a partner is never easy. Some people are happy to settle for a partial match. For example, I have a big breast and breast play fetish, which also encompasses me watching other men c*m on a play partners breasts. I have had several relationships in the past, where a play partner has been happy for me to perform that act, but won’t allow anyone else to do it with me watching. In those situations, I respect that play partners’ wishes absolutely.

Settling for 80% compatibility with someone is most often better -and more practical than continuing to search for that magical 100% - and being permanently disappointed ( and single!)

Your search is a process - which can take time, but when you find that person you are looking for - you’ll know.

[se****]

@maryioni "having similar sex drive"👍, or a mutual agreement must be kept!

@CopperKnob "women undergo significant hormonal changes"... alot of men do not think about this. Men should be understanding. Sometimes, it's not our choice.🤷‍♀️

[ma****]

20 minutes ago, DarkArts1066 said:

madkitty76 - it’s difficult sometimes to articulate what we want - or in some cases, need from a relationship… and the question of how to start a new relationship - with a preconception of what you want from a partner is never easy. Some people are happy to settle for a partial match. For example, I have a big breast and breast play fetish, which also encompasses me watching other men c*m on a play partners breasts. I have had several relationships in the past, where a play partner has been happy for me to perform that act, but won’t allow anyone else to do it with me watching. In those situations, I respect that play partners’ wishes absolutely.

Settling for 80% compatibility with someone is most often better -and more practical than continuing to search for that magical 100% - and being permanently disappointed ( and single!)

Your search is a process - which can take time, but when you find that person you are looking for - you’ll know.

Yer I know that I'm never going to find the perfect partner, because to be honest I don't know what that actually is, and this is the answer I give to people when they ask what am I into, " that I know there's something missing, that's why I've decided to try it this way, but I've no idea what I'm looking for, or into because I have never trusted anyone enough to try anything before, so I just don't know, but hopefully when I find it I'll know".

[Deleted Member]

My advice to all couples. Having issues. Open. And honest communication. Assume nothing. Take time to articulate what you are trying to say. Solicit feedback and verify that you have been understood. And offer the same for your partner.
You may find you have more kinks in common than you realize. The mistakes made at times like these are lies born of a good place. You telling her something to avoid making her upset often leads to anxiety and anger down the line. Same for her. If she does something she doesn’t want to spice things up for you. She might recent it’s later. Best to be open. And honest about the problems. Create a safe space free of judgement or punishment for what is said. And take plenty of time to cool off. Maybe you guys can work this out. Maybe it’s time to part ways. Maybe it’s as simple as opening up the marriage. But be careful. Like any relationship once trust is broken. It is hard to gain back often impossible. Good luck and I recommend couples therapy.

[DarkArts1066]

I am struck by the number of people here who have or are having similar experiences to the OP… and, reading through the comments, it seems that the two things missing here are communication - and compromise in many cases.

We all fall into the void from time to time… it happens. We focus on work or a new child or financial worries, and suddenly realise there is a gulf opening up between ourselves and our partner.
I am speaking from personal experience here, so do so with some authority on the subject.
It is hard to re-engage … and sometimes just simply too late to do so.
A far better approach is to start the dialogue earlier - if and when we realise that something is wrong.

Over the years I have had conversations with at least three regular long term partners .. about matters sexual which we’re missing from our relationship … all with varying results.
• You can’t always resolve your differences.
• It is wrong to try to coerce a partner into bending to your will for your own gratification.
• It is NOT wrong to try to seek common ground - or an agreement - but that can take time.
• Cheating - or being dishonest never ends well.

I had a long term partner who had no interest in impact play, but was happy to indulge all my other foibles.
One night, over a bottle of red, I broached the subject with her, hoping to convince her to at least experiment - softly, with spanking… but she was firm about it, explaining that her father had disciplined her as a child, was a brute, and she would never again allow that to happen to her.
I understood.
She then surprised me, saying that if I needed that, then I could find someone to explore that with.
There were rules.
I couldn’t have penetrative sex with her - which was fine.

If either of us needed sexual gratification during or after a session, that was fine, as long as she was told afterwards. Mutual masturbation or oral sex was fine.
But - we would both need to take an STD test, and share the results with her before we started on the journey. Fair enough.

Finally, whatever I chose to do, there was to be no compromise or shortfall in our own sex life.

She surprised the hell out of me that night - I asked her again in the cold light of (sober) day if she was genuinely ok with what we had discussed …. She was.

Communication, like I say, is the key above all else.

[Deleted Member]

39 minutes ago, maryioni said:

Or she might simply not be into it at all, especially if there were a few discussions about it and she is unwilling to try it. We can't and shouldn't force kink or sex into people.

To be blunt, if the question is about maintaining a viable marriage while also addressing a core need for the OP then obviously him and his wife will need to decide if compromising in some capacity is possible or not and if it's worth it for her to try along with OP moderating some of his desires.

 

There's a ton of shit I will do for a potential wife that I may not want to do but because she is asking as a core need of hers I will, of course there are a few hard limits which won't change so I'm not saying it's completely openeded, but I believe in good faith negotiation to try to find a compromise. Others may disagree.

[se****]

27 minutes ago, madkitty76 said:

Yer I know that I'm never going to find the perfect partner, because to be honest I don't know what that actually is, and this is the answer I give to people when they ask what am I into, " that I know there's something missing, that's why I've decided to try it this way, but I've no idea what I'm looking for, or into because I have never trusted anyone enough to try anything before, so I just don't know, but hopefully when I find it I'll know".

Like @DarkArts1066 said, you will know. Anyways, if they misbehave... 1. Spank their butts, or 2. Make them massage your feet.😈

[Si****]

From similar experience… my libido was still going strong when menopause showed up and not only killed hers but the mood swings that came with it often made her angry even when I was just openly managing myself.

It brought a lot of attention to the failings of monogamy and the relationship crumbled despite my continued fidelity. Lol, now I’ve been single almost two years and I’m coping with the fact that nobody really appreciates horny old dudes, married, kinky, or otherwise but now I’m free to be alone by myself instead of next to someone willing to watch me deteriorate into madness from lack of affection. I wouldn’t say it’s better but it’s not as frustrating and I don’t feel like a strike is imminent anymore, so there’s that.