Kink Husband/Vanilla Wife (Advice?)

[Si****]

Stroke* as in aneurysm…

[ma****]

57 minutes ago, Mathbro said:

To be blunt, if the question is about maintaining a viable marriage while also addressing a core need for the OP then obviously him and his wife will need to decide if compromising in some capacity is possible or not and if it's worth it for her to try along with OP moderating some of his desires.

 

There's a ton of shit I will do for a potential wife that I may not want to do but because she is asking as a core need of hers I will, of course there are a few hard limits which won't change so I'm not saying it's completely openeded, but I believe in good faith negotiation to try to find a compromise. Others may disagree.

If the OP wants to maintain the marriage and his wife is vanilla, then he is the one who would sacrifice his happiness (which is unfair) because his wife can't be ***d into kinky sex. That would be ***. Not all people are kinky. That must be respected.

Of course, there should be communication and compromise, but those are not enough in any relationship or marriage if people are not compatible. How many times do people have to repeat that they are simply not into some things for others to understand?

The OP could try a few times, but if she says "No" each time, it MUST be respected and accepted and he can't keep pushing. It isn't healthy.

[ey****]

Years ago, my first time round, I remember in an appropriate group mentioning my local fetish club and someone kinda gave a dismissive "it's just middle age couples desperately trying to spice up their sex life" and, y'know, there was some people like that - and that's OK

It isn't too abnormal for someone who is a little older and struggling a bit with sex drive, or feeling bored with sex or whatever to want a little something more - and - trying to look at how to explore ideas together is encouraging.

It doesn't have to be a major life shift if there's stuff you want to try, even occasionally, to see what you both like

I would actively want to encourage it 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, maryioni said:

If the OP wants to maintain the marriage and his wife is vanilla, then he is the one who would sacrifice his happiness (which is unfair) because his wife can't be ***d into kinky sex. That would be ***. Not all people are kinky. That must be respected.

Of course, there should be communication and compromise, but those are not enough in any relationship or marriage if people are not compatible. How many times do people have to repeat that they are simply not into some things for others to understand?

The OP could try a few times, but if she says "No" each time, it MUST be respected and accepted and he can't keep pushing. It isn't healthy.

I don't agree with the idea that you can't lay out firmly what is or isn't going to work for you in order to continue the relationship or can't expect some type of compromise.

Obviously his wife can say no and similarly he can terminate his marriage. I would find neither results positive but it's what I would do.

The crux of the issue is how important maintaining the marriage is over both his and his wifes sexual preferences or how much she dislikes it. Certainly people can and often do, do things they dislike for their partner, occasionally at least - particularly if it's an important enough issue for the other party that it would potentially end the relationship if it couldn't be done.

Edited June 26, 2022 by Deleted Member

[En****]

9 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think the questions are

- in your exploration/research of BDSM - what have you found is turning you on?

- have you raised any of this with your wife?

even if your wife seems vanilla there might be some scope for mutual overlap or things you can do which help

 

Answers:
- I’ve found a lot of stuff, things that when I picture myself in those scenarios I don’t picture my wife in the girl spot. I get a lot of anxiety talking about it with her, and we are working on communicating better this way.

[En****]

8 hours ago, DarkArts1066 said:

Ok… so here goes.

First things first.. breathe - and relax.
Stress and anxiety will lock up your balls faster than any physical incompatibility issues…. And contribute to the fog of confusion that you are feeling right now.

Forget the BDSM and kink for a few minutes, and maybe just focus on how you deal with that incompatibility. If your wife is vanilla, then - for now, just focus on being able to have good sex together. That is a platform from which you can springboard to other pleasures.

You have been very honest in stating that you have both gained weight. Now, there is no magical elixir that can add four inches onto your penis overnight…. Or miraculously part your wife’s thighs, and make her vagina more accessible… so you will BOTH most likely need to address your weight issues at some point for things to be better for you.

I am not going to tell you how to do that - despite being a qualified strength and conditioning coach - that is something for you BOTH to address locally, and in a way that is manageable for both of you. Do it together, go for walks, plan meals and cook together - those things do work.

I have a genuinely high sex drive. Many people claim to have, but mine is real, and a *** in the ass. If I don’t orgasm twice a day - every day, then I can become a grumpy ba**ard. My ladyfriends all live a fair distance from me, and so I don’t always get exactly what I want and need.

The next thing is quite obvious, but we forget it when we have other things going around in our heads.

There are other pleasures available to us than intercourse. Oral and manual stimulation - for both of you, for the time being may prove to be a means to an end
- For the time being …. I’m not suggesting forever.
Add in a bit of food play (whipped cream, melted chocolate (not too hot !!) or hot and cold play (ice cream, coffee etc) and you have a little side kink going on there.

Maybe that is the way to softly introduce the idea of more adventurous play to your wife - rather than screwing eyelets into the bedroom ceiling, and attempting to tie her to them one evening when she is least expecting it. (Yes - I do know someone whose wife caught him fixing some chrome work to the bedroom ceiling one evening when she came home - and asked him what the hell he was doing. )

Please be open and honest with each other… redefine your relationship with affection and desire, and navigate this together.

When we are first introduced to kink (and I was no exception) it’s like being a kid and given the key to Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory……
We want to sample it all - now, this instant.

Try and approach it from a more logical perspective. I believe we all have a “top three” kinks and fetishes inside us.
Focus on the things that make you hard. Use those for self pleasure - for your own relief - for now.

To recap:
- Deal with your mutual weight issues together.
- Introduce soft kinks into your regular sex play.
- Learn to reconnect with each other. Be open and honest when discussing your issues, but always remain calm, think logically, and listen to each other.
Active listening is as important as communicating your own thoughts and desires.

I am happy to chat with you - (both of you if you would like), privately.

I wish you the greatest of luck and success, and hope that some of my thoughts at least will help.

Thank you for this detailed reply.

Yes, your right. I do want to sample it all, right now. I see all these things now that I’m researching it and I just feel horny all the damn time.

I see people tied up and being in immense pleasure and I’m jealous.

We got a book and ordered some toys to see what happens. We need more privacy and organization tbh. We live with her family (MIL bedroom directly under ours) I think that kills a lot of it for me and at first I didn’t think it would but now I think it has really suppressed us sexually.

[En****]

5 hours ago, maryioni said:

Have you openly discussed how and what you would like to try in regards to kink? In regards to both of you gaining weight, perhaps you could change that by putting effort and losing some weight if the weight causes issues.

About your wife being vanilla, I would say that, if you tried discussing with her your kinks and she is not receptive or she isn't kinky, then you must accept that that's who she is and she can't be ***d into becoming someone she is not (there are many vanilla people and that is okay). In that circumstance, you have three options:
1. You can either discuss with her and try to see if she is open for an open marriage;
2. In case she isn't open for an open marriage, you continue being with her, but your needs won't be met (because doing things behind her back would be consider chating, ergo, ***);
3. The two of you are simply incompatible, therefore a divorce might be needed.

Having similar sex drive is extremely important. A person with a high sex drive won't be compatible with someone having a very low sex drive.

We are currently working on our communication in this area and I think it is helping.

As for an open marriage, I don’t think that would go well. When taking the quiz, we found out that I am 91% non-monogamous and she was 24% non-monogamous. It was the first thing she mentioned when seeing my results with a negative attitude. We’ve discussed this a bit and she doesn’t think it would go well, I have hesitations but I think after trying it once I would know more about how I feel (once on both sides, how do I feel about being with another woman and how do I feel about her being with another man)

Divorce was brought up in April because of some issues we are having in addition to sex. She brought it up and since then I’ve been really evaluating what I want in a relationship and our sex life is one thing I want to improve/be more compatible if we are to stay together.

[DarkArts1066]

56 minutes ago, AMB2292 said:

Thank you for this detailed reply.

Yes, your right. I do want to sample it all, right now. I see all these things now that I’m researching it and I just feel horny all the damn time.

I see people tied up and being in immense pleasure and I’m jealous.

We got a book and ordered some toys to see what happens. We need more privacy and organization tbh. We live with her family (MIL bedroom directly under ours) I think that kills a lot of it for me and at first I didn’t think it would but now I think it has really suppressed us sexually.

Hello, and thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

Having your ML directly underneath you will most definitely take the fun out of your playtime !!
That is something I would look to address at the earliest opportunity if you can. That lack of privacy means that both of you have to hold yourselves in check when being intimate. If you are thinking of that, then you aren’t concentrating on each other.
How does your wife feel about that ?
Would she be keen to move, or is she happy there ?
Are you able to have nights away - at a hotel or motel in the meantime ?
Look at those alternatives. ‘Date nights’ where you don’t have to come home until morning are a start perhaps ?

[DarkArts1066]

4 hours ago, Sinistry said:

From similar experience… my libido was still going strong when menopause showed up and not only killed hers but the mood swings that came with it often made her angry even when I was just openly managing myself.

It brought a lot of attention to the failings of monogamy and the relationship crumbled despite my continued fidelity. Lol, now I’ve been single almost two years and I’m coping with the fact that nobody really appreciates horny old dudes, married, kinky, or otherwise but now I’m free to be alone by myself instead of next to someone willing to watch me deteriorate into madness from lack of affection. I wouldn’t say it’s better but it’s not as frustrating and I don’t feel like a strike is imminent anymore, so there’s that.

Sinistry, I can empathise there to some degree. I went through something similar with my second wife. After three years of “tending to her needs” - and then being sent to the spare bedroom so she could sleep, I woke up one morning, and decided that we were done.
She was genuinely surprised.
Spent three months inviting me out to lunches and coffee so that we could ‘discuss our future’ after I moved out, but by that time I was done. Three years of trying and then she wanted to talk.
It made me question Monogamy during and after that period of my life. I am of an age where as a kid, parents stayed together, and monogamy was the thing. Times have changed. Not sure for better or worse, but monogamy isn’t really for me anymore - and I don’t expect it from a partner either. That way, I’ll never be disappointed.

[foxfun2015]

I split up with my partner in that situation

[Lo****]

Have a conversation with her. There has to be either an understanding or a mutual agreement of some sort that you two come to. Otherwise one of you won’t stay happy and the marriage could end up in trouble and that’s no fun. Talk to her. Calmly and kindly. Sometimes the ideas are less harsh than imagining your life without your husband..

[Co****]

...or you can buy a swing and adjust it to her size and your height and any other accessories that are commonly sold and go to town, man!!!

[Deleted Member]

OP, I am strongly against non monogamy for multiple reasons. I suggest you don't take that further and instead emphasize to your wife you love her and want to explore this area (bondage or what ever) with her as an expression of love and as a desire to have her be your partner.

I think it's easy to interpret BDSM play as a want to damage but it can also be a desire to care for, etc.

[Go****]

I understand, I have only had sex with one other person than my husband.
I would just be open and honest about your needs/wants. Personally if my husband came to me and laid out his desires I'd be more than happy to atleast entertain them.

[J-****]

Get in better shape?

[Co****]

2 hours ago, J-Dean said:

Get in better shape?

I didn't want to be the one to say it... lol

[Deleted Member]

Go to the gym together.

[Deleted Member]

Not just for fitness, but as a whole embodied activity, it may help.

[Deleted Member]

“Sex in marriage is a fine line between ‘Oh this again’ and ‘where did you learn that?’”
-Emo Phillips
I am in a similar situation with vanilla sex, and it’s been years of it. My sex drive has always been double hers, and we still have a decent sex life in comparison to most. She’s happy, but I’m really not. A little foreplay, then right to starfish. Great. She likes it vanilla, so I give her the best vanilla that makes her head explode. I fantasize in my head about doing her differently, so that helps get me off. Typically I get myself off a couple days later, but rarely close to when we are typically going to have sex. Then I go too long!
What about you two mix in exploring getting each other off that doesn’t include penetration, like hands and fingers? Oral? A handy in the shower? Mutual masturbation? Are you up on your oral game? She can lay comfortably on the bed, and you kneel on the floor putting everything right there for you. Experiment with techniques, I like the 90/10 rule: 90% on the clit, 10% off. Get a finger in there for the g-spot. Stuff like that.
Your MIL should be happy you two are getting after it too. Make her uncomfortable and smile when you see her afterwards. Lol
I echo others here on the weight. I too am heavy, I get it. Start slow, do it together. Walking together is a great start. Tons of better meals. Many times we are victims to the food industry, and we can do better. You can’t outrun your fork.
Good luck.

[pu****]

Your baseline expectation should be just to experiment and have fun - cumming should be considered a huge bonus. Trying new things and trial and error are normal for finding what you like and finding your rhythm. Relax, try things, don’t stress, and have fun! (Also, be careful you don’t go too crazy and overstimulate each other - its damn near impossible to cum like that)