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I'm a sadist but I'm afraid of hurting the people I like


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Hi, Im new in Bdsm and i am reading some stuff to improve as a dom and sadist, so i ll take any advice! 

The problem is that im dating a person who only suports the pain i cause because she likes me and not by pleasure. I only bite and slap a little harder than the "normal" and she doesn t even handle that sometimes, and i want to do far worst. I know that she will try, for me, and i also know that she wouldn t like.

I like her, i care for her, but i cant fuck her without doing the things i want.

What should i do?

Try switching roles, does she genuinely not enjoy it AT ALL?

I don t know, i think she enjoy soft things only. We already talk  about that and she told that spanking not at all for example. 

I don t like be a sub and she loves feeling that i m controlling her. Until that part is all good, the problem is that i wanna hurt her with her consent and she doesn t want. 

We like each other but can t continuing our relationship that way.


English was fine perfectly understandable, that may be something she enjoys in time or she may never enjoy it. You are going to have to sacrifice your desire or sacrifice your relationship if you say you can’t continue without that type of play.


here's the fact

you can't play to the levels you'd like - with her.

That's the line.  Cold, but true.

So something has to give. You either continue the relationship at a level you're both happy with.  End the relationship knowing you'll never be satisfied. Or... consider if you can have one type of relationship with her and potentially, in the future, have someone else on a casual or relationship basis to unleash more of your harsh side.



If you are new learn first and go slowly! 

Not only you can hurt her but cause damaged or even end up in hospital. 

Its best if you read a few facts about the body and it’s reaction. 

Slap hard near the ears for example could cause some serious issues! Or eyes, jaws etc... 



Thank you! 

Yep, i guess i ll go slowly. I will learn more and she will have time do adapt to it or not. Maybe she will never want hard play, i will respect her in the end of the day.  End our relationship is not a option :) 


"Man is the one who desires, woman the one who is desired. This is woman's entire but decisive advantage. Through man's passions, nature has given man into woman's hands, and the woman who does not know how to make him her subject, her slave, her toy, and how to betray him with a smile in the end is not wise." —Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, Venus in Furs

Setting aside von Sacher-Masoch's sexist language, which, right or wrong was so prevalent in 1870, I think you might have a better understanding of what is taking place in your relationship with your partner.  Obviously you have very strong feelings of desire and passion for her.  However, in rebuffing your sadistic advances she is in effect sending you a massage.  That message could be she is afraid to lay bare her own masochistic desires. or perhaps, seeing your frustration, she is reveling in her sense of power over you.  There are quite possibly many different scenarios at work that haven't been discussed here.  One thing does seem obvious.  The time for honest talk is at hand.  Not just about boundaries, but about what the desires each of you have for the relationship.

People need to have the confidence and the courage to rise above the game of love and learn to trust each other.  True love is about respecting, sharing, nurturing, and enabling, but how many people have the capacity and the maturity for this kind of love...?


We have already talk about it. She told me is limits and i told her what i want and that i don t know if im capable of not doing what she doesn t like in the middle of the sex, in the heat of the moment and she said she will take the risk :) we like each other and i believe that with proper time i will spank her and do what i enjoy. She is starting to letting me do some small stuff.


Some people just don't enjoy what we like. People have different needs and wants and desires. You cant force anyone to like the things you do, you can only show her and talk about it to her and hope she likes it.  If you are okay with never fully exploring your true sadist and dominant side and just sticking to the odd spank here and there then by all means carry one but if you want / need to feel the control that comes with hurting others and being in power then I suggest that you either have an open relationship and find someone you can do what you want to or you leave her and find someone else completely. I know you said that wasn't an option but you need to think about yourself.

  • 2 weeks later...

its basically a breach of trust, if she told you its limits for her you shouldnt force or even try to do it. A sub  will never trust you again if you break that trust. As mentioned above you have a sub whos not into pain! You should have know before you start a relationship, ask if she was into pain. Its near abuse 

  • 9 months later...

Listen to FabS.  He is not telling you what to do, but what is important to consider.

It sounds like the communication is a little ambiguous between the two of you.  Either that, or you are being obtuse = not really listening.   

If she has clearly and firmly stated her limits, FabS is right -- you shouldn't test them.  I HATE when I clearly set a limit and a man decides to go ahead and test it anyway!  That is disrespect.  It is, in fact, abusive behavior.  

On the other hand, maybe she was just telling you what she's comfortable with today... and maybe she doesn't mind if you give the envelope a teeny little nudge.   Maybe she is willing to consider going in the direction you want to go... if you will go slowly enough.  

You have to get this clear.  What is she REALLY saying?  When you know that, respect it. 

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