Sub/masochist looking for guidance

[Deleted Member]

Hi my husband and I are exploring a D/s relationship. I’m very much a masochist. But he isn’t a Sadist. We’ve used spankings, clogging’s, and nipple clamps thus far. But when he’s at work and I’m alone. Trying to do my tasks for the day, I constantly fight my ADHD racing thoughts/spiraling mind, and panic attacks. How can he advise me to center myself with pain that doesn’t harm. (I rip my nails and cuticles, it helps, but they’re a mess and painful now)

[NEHypnotist]

A professional hypnotist in your area should also be able to help you improve your ability to center yourself.

[bu****]

This question is somewhat confusing to me. You have to look for ways to center yourself without pain or they're all going to end up being harmful just by definition. I struggle with those kind of thoughts, breathing exercises are excellent

[CopperKnob]

I think the questions to ask yourself are
.
Is pain the only solution to help centre you?
What strategies have you utilised in the past that have worked?

Are you experiencing sub frenzy? There are plenty of posts about this in the forums that may help you identify whether this is the case.
.
Is this ADHD, or are you overthinking because you're uncertain about the new dynamic? Could communication be improved? Could boundaries be clearer? What would help settle your mind?
.
What's the root cause of ripping nails/cuticles? Is it something you've done in the past? What were the triggers? Is there a similarity between then and now?
.
What healthy strategies are you able identify to help yourself centre yourself? What support do you require from others/what does that look like? Again, is it communication or reassurance/problem solving/an empathetic, non judgemental ear that just needs to listen?

[Deleted Member]

Look in to wrist band therapy, wearing a rubber/elastic band on the wrist & when you have anxiety, stress or just feeling you're spiralling you snap the band (several times usually) on your wrist to refocus the mind - primarily its used as an aversion therapy, the snapping pain helping people to stop doing something, like smoking, each time you crave a smoke you snap it to stop you thinking about cigarettes as it fixes a negative feeling of pain with the thought of a cigarette - how ever it can also been used to help focus the mind in stressful or anxious situations, to distract the mind from the negative thoughts or spiralling/hectic thoughts, you can combine the snapping with breathing exercises, like snap, then breath in through your nose, hold it a moment then exhale through your mouth, snap, then breath in through your nose, hold it a moment then exhale through your mouth, add eliments of control, with the breathing, to help control your breathing, posture, your mind, get your husband/dom to help work a routine together with you, within your D/s relationship, of when to do it, what to do, to help you try to control & center yourself in situations.

[BruiseWayne]

Yeah you should definitely seek some kind of professional help. Doing kinky things is fun and it can be very therapeutic but it's not a replacement for therapy, and this sounds like more of a psychological issue than a sexual one.

[Si****]

How does he help you center in a non sexual/bdsm way? Start there.

[Lord_Talion]

Flog yourself.

[xo****]

NOT CLOGGING

[Vu****]

The “sad” reality is that you cannot force your husband into becoming something he’s not. He could fulfill some of your kinky desires by practicing with you, but if there is one thing I’ve learned is that you cannot fake what you aren’t and the “game” is not the same when one of the two isn’t into it.

[Deleted Member]

I think it would be a good idea to seek some professional help. I can appreciate this can be difficult, costly, and what about discussing this part of your life? What if they have a bad reaction? But many therapists understand the positive role of kink and therefore won't view it as a negative and will therefore help you sort out everything in a way that helps you live your life happily in between sessions and where each session becomes something to augment your life rather than fix something more fundamental. At the moment it sounds like you're having to use kink just to maintain your equilibrium which it can't do, hence the torturing your cuticles. Kink's a magnificent thing and lovely when we can have it in our lives, but it can only augment, not repair.

[Qu****]

It makes it difficult having a partner that doesn't want to be the source of the pain. I too struggle with those same things and pain is sometimes a method I use to ground myself. But I am very careful about when I allow it as a coping. I find the days I want it most are the days I shouldn't engage. I took years in adjusting my mindset from coping with the Adhd and racing thoughts to harnessing it and setting the necessary boundaries to control those days you talk about.

My suggestion however is to talk to your partner and really delve into whatever of pain they are willing to deliver. Talk in depth about what having the pain does for you. Explore the many many options for delivering (doesn't have to be whips and crops could be rubber bands and hands).

And be able to accept the fact that your partner may not be able to deliver the pain you are looking for.

[Deleted Member]

Kneeling in rice is an oldie. He can set a time hoe long you should endure. You can even build in you text him a thank you after each one. Just test first how long would work, the pain builds up the longer you kneel.
Of course you can also wear the clamps during certain tasks. Only to be removed after finishing. Would be wise to apply these mechanisms to things you have difficulty starting.
ADHD is tricky. You'll probably want to change things up every so often as well. It's just how the ADHD brain works. Things lose their reward after a certain amount of time. So don't always translate that to more pain per se but a bit of variation first.
Are you two also interested in bondage? Lately I'm wondering if that would calm an ADHD mind.

[Fa****]

I had a sub that suffered from ADHD and panic attacks. I asked her about the coping mechanisms that worked for her and the ones that did not. We incorporated those into her routine and that helped her. There is no miracle answer because everyone experiences these things differently though. I find that having a flexible plan to respond to this type of personal condition requires first understanding your partners condition but also how it impacts he or she specifically. The first step is to not become part of the problem that exasperates the condition. Once you are sure of this, then you can begin to formulate a routine and plans for reacting to help during episodes and sometimes are able to avoid or lower the frequency of the occurrence. But d/s is never a substitute for treatment.

[Si****]

Don't need to be a sadist. It's a lot about give and take too. Understand what you do for each other and what your limits of give are. Along with your take limits. Understanding what each person is open to and already knows what their limits are is extremely important. Trust and love.

[Da****]

August 10, Deleted profile said:

Look in to wrist band therapy, wearing a rubber/elastic band on the wrist & when you have anxiety, stress or just feeling you're spiralling you snap the band (several times usually) on your wrist to refocus the mind - primarily its used as an aversion therapy, the snapping pain helping people to stop doing something, like smoking, each time you crave a smoke you snap it to stop you thinking about cigarettes as it fixes a negative feeling of pain with the thought of a cigarette - how ever it can also been used to help focus the mind in stressful or anxious situations, to distract the mind from the negative thoughts or spiralling/hectic thoughts, you can combine the snapping with breathing exercises, like snap, then breath in through your nose, hold it a moment then exhale through your mouth, snap, then breath in through your nose, hold it a moment then exhale through your mouth, add eliments of control, with the breathing, to help control your breathing, posture, your mind, get your husband/dom to help work a routine together with you, within your D/s relationship, of when to do it, what to do, to help you try to control & center yourself in situations.

No, do not do this! This is just inviting a masochist to keep going after gaining pain!

[Da****]

Causing yourself pain is not fixing the problem you are having. Guy above was right, incorporate your adhd into your jobs. Make it a game, earn stickers, get x stars and earn a treat (massage, dinner out, movie she picks, etc). Pain doesn’t always have to punishment or the reward. Learn the difference between the kinds of impact/funishment. I prefer thuddy impact over stinging swats. After learning this, my partner felt less like he was abusing me and understood more of what I enjoy.