Family and friends finding out

[Deleted Member]

I was having a chat with my Dom last night, when this dawned on me.
I’m scared that my family and friends will discover the kink side of me. That they will see a part of me that they take a severe disliking to, and that it will cause me problems. Family ignoring me, friends mocking me and spreading malicious rumours about me.
I’m not scared as to how far down the Fet rabbit hole I’ll go - I’m scared of my family and friends finding out I’ve gone down the rabbit hole in the first place.
Just wondered if anyone had any advice, or would care to share experiences they’ve had?
Thanks x

[Glasgowdom1991]

I have a similar *** mostly re my parents and my dad's side in general

[ge****]

I think it's a *** a lot of us have to a greater or lesser extent, but the way I try and think about it is if friends and family react negatively to finding out my kinks, rather than at least accepting them or even ignoring them, are they the kind of people I want to remain close to?
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Most people have kinks of some sort, some milder, and some more extreme - so just because you have yours doesn't mean your friends and family don't have their own either.
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Then there is what are the chances of them finding out anyway? If they see you on a site like this, then they must have been here too - if they see you in a club, then likewise - beyond that what are the chances they would know?
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Of course you can take steps to minimise that risk like not posting recognisable pics etc but that comes down to the level of risk you're prepared to take.
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There is always the "outing" yourself option and kind of cutting things off at the pass, but that is obviously potentially risky.
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Personally if friends and family found out about my kinks, I like to think I would mostly take a "yes and?" approach, I've done nothing wrong and am not harming anyone, so if people want to judge me or mock me, that would be their problem not mine.
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That said I also wouldn't go out of my way to tell them about my kinks as it really is none of their business

[Deleted Member]

For me it was simple I told my family members in into some more "picante" experiences.
They didnt asked any further qurstions.
As for friends they had some curiousity.
But its entirely up to you how much you are willing to share.
I dont see anything shamefull in it.
It might be because i grow up in a somewhat non religious family. And my parents where easy going whit the topic of sex. It wasnt a taboo and when it came up we usually had good laughs at the end.
My dad used to have a lot of dirty jokes.

[TyP99]

I had a similar few when I first joined the kink community, I was very lucky that my family has always been sex positive. when it did eventually come up they did take the piss a little bit (but as a joke) and it’s now simply accepted. The other side of my family have guessed but it’s just not really spoken about and we’re all comfortable that way.

In regards to friends, I’ve found that as long as I’m open about it but not overly sexualising it, many people are simply curious. I’ve hosted q&a sessions with many of my friends. Some found that they may be interested in further educating themselves and exploring kink, others found that they’re happy being vanilla but are grateful for the information. I had one or two friends that thought I was “disgusting” for my kinks, but it just so happens that those people were genuinely toxic in my life and are therefore no longer a part of it.

Your *** is normal, I don’t have much advice as I don’t know what your family is like, all I can say it’s it’s ok to be proud of your kinks and your willingness to explore yourself and your sensuality. But be polite and respectful, remember that people should constant to these types of conversations. If people don’t accept your kinkyness though, that’s ok too, so long as they are respectful about it.

[Julesz]

As a lesbian and I hear you on two levels and all I can say is when you are ready to tell then do if you ever are . Maybe test the waters first with maybe I saw xyand z movie. Or I saw a series on netflix etc see what they say then maybe you can see where they are as to you being able to open up. I would just echo what most have here. I wasn't ashamed of being a lesbian and certainly not ashamed of being a member of the BDSM community. People judge that's us we are human. Don't ever let anyone's judgement of you get to you or let it touch you. You are aware of how far you can talk about the situation. My friends know and we joke around and sometimes they ask and want to learn in a way that they aren't really asking. I came out and then came out as a practitioner of all things BDSM. You have one life live it for you! If you aren't ready then don't if you are then do. I get more grief from the lesbians that see me as an ***r of women that's their problem. Just be proud of yourself.

[ey****]

for family - do they need to know about your sex life?

for friends - do they need to know about your sex life?

but still, friends in particular - if you think they would mock you too far or spread malicious rumours... why are you friends with them?

From there, how would they find out?  

[Deleted Member]

Thank you everyone for your kind advice. My main predicament is that I live with my parents, so its being careful that they don’t stumble upon any clothing or accessories that I will inevitably buy.
As for my friends and other people, I work in football, and it might be likely that I come across someone in here or at a fet event, and then later meet them at a game.

[sm****]

For family they don't need to know your an adult.

as for friends well i joke on about kinky stuff and they know nothing phases me.  When they say "your a perv" my stock answer is "and your point was" which 99.9% they laugh at....iv'e actually met more people willing to talk and explore their kink side like this. 

But like family you don't have to advertise your kink life.

Edited August 11, 2022 by smeagol

[sm****]

If it helps any i used to and still do keep a lot of my kink gear/toys in lockable aluminium type cases usually used for transporting camera and electronics about, just take the foam out that's needed.

Edited August 11, 2022 by smeagol

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, smeagol said:

If it helps any i used to and still do keep a lot of my kink gear/toys in lockable aluminium type cases usually used for transporting camera end electronics about, just take the foam out that's needed.

I’ve got an old plastic toolbox in my cupboard which I never use, so I can use that. Also my bed lifts up with storage space underneath, so could store some stuff in a bag in there.

[ey****]

9 minutes ago, doublewavedyellows said:

it might be likely that I come across someone in here or at a fet event, and then later meet them at a game.

then they were here for the same reasons  

[EMandM]

It depends entirely on the people, I think you might be surprised how many, after the initial "wow!" will just forget about it and go back to being as they were before. How would you feel if you found out one of them liked something in bed? Would it really matter?
I've always thought that if someone found out about me by finding me on a site like this, we'll, they must have been here too, to find me 🙂. I wouldn't worry too much, just have fun and stay safe.

[Deleted Member]

Actually good point about them finding me on here or at other fet events!

[ge****]

Something I have learned both from sites like this and going to swinging clubs a few years back - is you really never know who you are passing in the street or out and about in terms of their "hidden" sexuality.
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Can remember especially at swinging clubs where the standard would be an hour or so small talk and socialising in the social areas before play began that I'd often look around when I initially went and look at people and think "well you don't look the type" and yet an hour or so later they'd be in the middle of a pile of writhing bodies having the time of their life.
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So you really never will know - you'll probably find many of the people you are afraid of knowing are just as afraid of you knowing about their kinks/interests

[Leisa]

I told my parents when my ex-husband hacked into my computer after we separated and outed me. My father and stepmother asked genuine, encouraging questions. My mother didn’t want to know.

[Deleted Member]

32 minutes ago, Leisa said:

I told my parents when my ex-husband hacked into my computer after we separated and outed me. My father and stepmother asked genuine, encouraging questions. My mother didn’t want to know.

Sorry to hear your mother felt that way, and as for your ex, it appalls me that people do that. That’s one of the things that scares me, and why whenever I visit kink sites on my own phone, tablet or PC, I do so in private mode or delete the history data.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you everyone for your kind comments and support. Feeling a bit more comfortable, and also welcomed by this community ❤️❤️