Either one of us needs to be a dom, or we need a dom

[Ja****]

So me and my partner have been together for some time and we are currently trying to establish a role in ddsm as to have a dynamic we're both comfortable with.

The thing is that we are both submissive people and just prefer to be missive, it feels kind of off being dominant. However since we are running into this issue it's essentially one of us has to but dominant one, but I don't want that sort of thing to really damage our relationship because one person is unhappy in the role that they're in.

So essentially we either need to figure out how to compromise in getting what we both want, or we just outright and need a dominant person.

Can anyone help?

[FETMOD-KF]

this shouldn't need said - but - obviously advice and suggestions are encouraged

comments like "I will be your Dominant" are not

[ey****]

this does feel like one of those cases where being active in a local kink community can be a boost.  it may introduce you to new people who give ideas that one or both of you is happy to try with the other which is perceived Dominant

it would also be easier to get casual play - with someone happy to top one or both of you

the other could also be involved watching 

[Lord_Talion]

Depends on how open you are to opening up your relationship to others

[ny****]

It sounds like you should take turns alternating where the other is Dom and take turns being sub. This way you’re getting an equal amount of exposure to both roles. You may find that one of you likes the Dom role more than the other and has some switch tendencies. And you can consider switching the ratio from 1:1 to something else. If you try this for a month and you both still hate being in the Dom role then there’s no shame in looking for a Dom that can meet both your needs equally. It might even be a fun journey together to find one.

[Softdomboi]

You guys can also just switch. Have 1 be more Dom for a little then switch and let the other take over. I'd start with something like a Simon says game..? Saying what you want done to you\what you want to do to the other

[ge****]

Eyem's suggestion is a good one - or alternatively how important is the D/s angle to you both?
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Would "kink play" from a level playing field work for you? Just because an individual activity is normally associated with a dominant or submissive role doesn't mean it can't be practiced without the dominance or submission being present.
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For example spanking - I'm inherently submissive and don't have a dominant bone in my body, but I *do* have a mean spanking hand - and have had partners in the past whom I've given spankings to, not because I'm being dominant, but because they asked me to, or wanted me to.
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That approach can be applied to pretty much anything really and is a reasonable compromise position if you can forego the element of domination or submission that essentially at its most basic level is just one person calling the shots and the other accepting them.
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There's nothing to say you can't *both* call the shots mutually - for instance if one of you wants to be tied up and spanked that evening, there's nothing wrong with asking for precisely that, if the other is willing to do it.
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You may even find approaching it that way brings out a dominant side, even if it's just for the duration of that particular evening.

[BadDesires]

I'm sure there are ways around your situation. I certainly think it's easier to work with than a double Dom relationship.
One of the best things to do is work out what it is you want from a Dom.
Maybe you just want to list a set of rules, targets, rewards and punishments.
Now you can choose to share this list with a 3rd party Dom or maybe have fun with it between yourselves. Imagine your both serving a master or God and you have to hold each other accountable for each others behaviour. Using chance mechanics like coins, dice or cutom wheels can be a way of making decisions without being responsible for it. You just need to make sure you both enforce it. Also don't feel you need to keep rewards/punishments exclusive. They can be dished out to both of you or shared between you.
Hopefully this gives you a few suggestions to work with. If you can both keep a simple journal you can both review at the end of the week/month you may find ways to tweak the scenario for more flexibility when required or stricter procedures to follow if you want to feel a tighter grip.

[JS****]

I’m surprised no one has stated that this does not necessarily have to correlate with direct sex. If possible I would suggest finding a group or club you can open up and be comfortable with and allow them to use dom type escalators for you both. Then after that type of play is complete you can privately do your own thing after riled up. Being dominated can mean rope/suspension or impact play or many other things. Find what it is that stimulates you both to have done and watch to enjoy a more sensual connection during privacy but don’t force it where it’s not needed.

[Puppy6411]

As gemini_man says, is the D/s important to you?

As a for instance, if one of you would like to be tied up, is the one tying up being dominant, or submitting to the other's wishes?
Would enjoying some fetishes together without attributing labels of who is being what work?

[kimutu72]

Hey guys, you say you have been together for awhile and your both submissive, why would you need to put a title on "who is dom who is sub" why change something that isnt broke?
With my subs i blindfold them and restrain them so i can pleasure myself by pleasing them, being a dom is not always about ruling someone, its about enjoyingvthe other persons body and their limits.
Maybe try blindfold and restraints and enjoy each other

[Su****]

I would say to act as switches, compromise and take turns being the dominant force.

[Fa****]

If you’re truly submissive then why not be submissive to each other’s needs and focus on pleasing them. Make it fun and think about how you’re embracing this to make your partner happy. Being submissive is more than just wanting to be on the bottom. Take turns, talk it through. Then if that doesn’t work out, look at other options. But make sure you fully explore making each other happy first and forget the labels. After you’ve gone as far as you can with sharing those needs and switching off, then talk through options of another person. But don’t make ultimate statements of finality like, “one of us has to be the Dom” because guess what? That person will be miserable if forced to continuously be something they are not.

[Lo****]

Have you considered opening your relationship to a Dom joining you in a triad (“throuple,”) — at least sexually?