I’m new to BDSM and I had an unscrupulous Dom and I want to know how to avoid that in the future

[Brittany11]

I’ve had most of my experiences with BDSM so far with my most recent ex and I know I enjoy BDSM but I don’t want to experience what went down with my ex again and I don’t know how to peruse a D/s relationship in a way that won’t turn out the same way.  

To be specific, one of the problems was that he wanted certain things that I was not into, including that he wanted a full-blown M/s relationship and I just wanted things to be almost entirely restricted to the bedroom. And he was very into ageplay and golden showers which I was not into, but in my effort and desire to be a good sub I ended up doing a lot of things that only he enjoyed. And he continuously tried to establish a M/s relationship while I sometimes complied and sometimes didn’t.

Also, I felt a lack of some of the things I really enjoyed such as bondage and breath play.  Additionally, he completely neglected aftercare. Also there was one incident where I said my safe word again and again and he never stopped.  So going forward, I don’t know how to balance my deep desire to please my Dom with getting what I want. And also avoiding bad situations. 

[Strawslut]

You have your limits and your desires. A dom should respect those. Being a dom is something you do for the sub not to the sub. Make sure you talk about what you both want from a relationship and if they won't accept your limits then they don't deserve the gift of your submission.

[Mi****]

I understand what your going through, message if you want x

[Mi****]

Firstly from what you write it sounds like your ex was more abuser than dom, no one should ever ignore safewords.

I would suggest that you spend time negotiating what you want, and more importantly what you dont want, before you agree to any actual play. Do this over several meetings as friends over coffee or lunch and get to know them as people before play partners. This way you will get a better idea of how they behave and are likely to behave when playing. A safe dom will be willing to wait until you are ready

[Deleted Member]

Yet another wannabe 50 Shades tie flog fuck dom (Lower case) that abuses the word Dom , I’m so pleased you haven’t given up and asked for help. A safeword should be sacrosanct and any Dom should stop instantly , your limits and boundaries are yours no one else’s and yes limits can be pushed but boundaries cannot be broken. I wish you luck in your quest there are still some true Doms out there

[Deleted Member]

its realy sad that your first experience with bdsm( which wasnt really) has been that bad.

So try to forget about it and read a bit more about how to negociate with your first real Dom.

Most of respectful ones would go through all the right way to do it. 

Write down your list of do and don't . Limits and hard limits. Your likes and dislikes, things you are willing to try.

Meeting vanilla till you are comfortable for your first sessions. No sex during first sessions if you dont want too.

And never ever get tied up on the first sessions, always make sure you are free to leave anytime. 

[Deleted Member]

I’m sorry you had to go through this abuse hun (and it is abuse as he didn’t respect your safe word). I’m a switch and whenever I’ve dommed someone I’ve clearly established what limits they have (both soft and hard) and would never cross those. 

[Deleted Member]

Stop dating assholes. 

[VictoriaBlisse]

6 hours ago, Tyrant said:

Stop dating assholes. 

That isn't particularly useful, as quite often assholes don't make themselves known straight away. 

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, VictoriaBlisse said:

That isn't particularly useful, as quite often assholes don't make themselves known straight away. 

When you tell someone the safe word and they persist, that’s clearly a person who doesn’t care about their sub. He continued knowing very well that he exceeded what was acceptable. That’s an asshole. 

Stop dating assholes. 

[ey****]

26 minutes ago, Tyrant said:

When you tell someone the safe word and they persist, that’s clearly a person who doesn’t care about their sub. He continued knowing very well that he exceeded what was acceptable. That’s an asshole. 

Stop dating assholes. 

how do you know someone is going to ignore a safeword until they ignore it?

stop BEING an asshole. 

[Brittany11]

1 hour ago, Tyrant said:

When you tell someone the safe word and they persist, that’s clearly a person who doesn’t care about their sub. He continued knowing very well that he exceeded what was acceptable. That’s an asshole. 

Stop dating assholes. 

We broke up right after the one incident when he ignored the safe word, but that was after a year and a half of being in a relationship. As VictoriaBlisse and eyemblacksheep have mentioned very often happens, he was very good at hiding he was an asshole early on and it took me a very long time to slowly realize it and I had no idea he was going to ignore the safeword until he did. 

That’s why I’m asking for advice now so that hopefully in the future I can spot red flags way earlier on and know what I can do differently early on like things to ask as filters or whatever else. 

And I really appreciate the advice and understanding from everyone so far. I know there are great Doms out there and there are also more assholes and I want to feel more able to tell the difference hopefully.

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

how do you know someone is going to ignore a safeword until they ignore it?

stop BEING an asshole. 

By observing their behavior. 

Also, I refuse to engage with you any further based on your behavior and choice of words. No need for name calling. 

[ey****]

to step back - when you say "stop dating assholes" you are effectively saying "you chose to be with someone knowing they'd break your consent" - you, by stealth, are placing the blame on her for "dating assholes"

I didn't say you were an asshole, I said you were being one - by your repeated choice of words which lack empathy or assistant.

When you say "observing their behaviour" - what traits should people look out for, as that would be something that adds value.   In pretty much every abuser story I know, there were very little outward signs until it was too late.  Often by which time the person had had it drilled into them any manner of lies or gaslighting - there are so many ways this is done but a common one is presenting their own version of BDSM ("I am the Dom, you do as I say" a prime example) or also things like doing bad behaviour and then dismissing it as being "part of the play/scene" - deliberately ignoring people to "assert Dominance" is a trick sometimes used.

But, to make things more complex - there are people with valid kinks around that, who are into that - at least on paper and at least if done properly.

The truth of the matter is that there are people who wish to push consent further than it should go - but it can often take a while to get there.   

I guess another common trick is to push subtly with consent, kinda seeing a little bit what you can get away with - the type where if the victim raised "that person broke my consent" then people on the outside would see it as only a minor infringement you can work through - and this is something that adds to many layers of challenges.

I'm a believer that there are more good people than assholes - but, I also believe it's sometimes difficult to differentiate the two, cos your abusers hide it well.  Some probably even don't believe themselves to be abusers and so appear all natural.   I feel, it's often worth building up trust with someone before doing any form of play or relationship - but that takes time, and - sometimes ultimately it's a devil on the shoulder between "I want to do this and should do it and bad feelings are just paranoia" vs "I should be cautious, what evidence is there I can trust this person"

I think, sometimes, one of the best ways to try to keep safe is to know and understand BDSM and what you want from it - then when someone does overstep a mark, you know this isn't right - and you can either resolve it between you if you think it was a genuine mistake that won't be repeated - or - end things is you think it was intentional. 

But, ultimate - there's often little ways to know someone will break your trust until they do.

[Deleted Member]

On 11/26/2018 at 12:37 AM, Tyrant said:

By observing their behavior. 

Also, I refuse to engage with you any further based on your behavior and choice of words. No need for name calling. 

Clearly (and I’m thankful for you) you’ve not had the misfortune of being in an abusive relationship or had chance to speak to victims of domestic violence. Abusers are often very clever at hiding their abuse and can quite often use tricks like gaslighting to make things they do appear to be the ‘fault’ of the victim (or at least in the victims mind). 

[Deleted Member]

Don’t take my brevity as heartlessness. Stop dating assholes is the solution. 

 

[ey****]

1 hour ago, Tyrant said:

Don’t take my brevity as heartlessness. Stop dating assholes is the solution. 

 

just to help you think about your words - what you are saying is : it was her own fault she was abused because she chose to date an asshole

That is basically what you are saying.  This is why you are an asshole.  Because you completely lack support or empathy and are effectively blaming her, despite multiple people on this thread pointing out that often it's too late before you realise someone is an asshole or an abuser.

[Strawslut]

Observe their behaviour.

Don't date Tyrant

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, Strawslut said:

Observe their behaviour.

Don't date Tyrant

Any way I can like this more than once?

[Deleted Member]

15 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

just to help you think about your words - what you are saying is : it was her own fault she was abused because she chose to date an asshole

That is basically what you are saying.  This is why you are an asshole.  Because you completely lack support or empathy and are effectively blaming her, despite multiple people on this thread pointing out that often it's too late before you realise someone is an asshole or an abuser.

Did I clearly say that or is that your interpretation? I’m not going to try and change your mind about me. It’s up to you how to take my words. The deeper meaning behind stop dating assholes is -  If someone is an asshole, you need to distance yourself. That doesn’t mean anything other than that. I’ve known people who have become assholes and I’ve distanced myself from them. 

That doesn’t mean she is to blame. You’re all so quick to twist words to fit your narrative. 

How does one stop dating assholes? When someone is an asshole, you move on. 

I’m not heartless. I’m well aware of what it takes when a woman has to flee her own home and live in a women’s shelter because her husband was abusive. The end point of that journey is to stop. Dating. Assholes. 

I give solutions. The solution is simple. Stop dating assholes. 

Water in the shower is too cold? Get out of the shower and find a warmer shower. 

Husband became an alcoholic and abusive? Leave that drunk asshole. 

[Strawslut]

"Did I clearly say that or is that your interpretation"

Well obviously this is our interpretation. That's what communication is. 

In conversation, especially online, it is easy to have what you say misinterpreted. This is where I normally apologise and try to reword what I said.

Tyrant however has continued to blame others for misinterpreting his words, kind of casts doubt on the sincerity of his assertion he's not blaming her.

[ey****]

it's like - dude, you're coming across badly - myself and others are trying to point out where you're coming across badly and you still keep going on with the same broken record.

All of your "solutions" are things to do after the fact.   

What you have said in your last post is effectively, as soon as someone starts showing signs of being an asshole you should leave them - regardless of your past or present relationship with them - therefore, you are saying if they choose to remain with them then it's your own fault if bad things continue to happen.  THAT IS WHAT YOUR WORDS ARE IMPLYING.  If this is not what you mean - then my recommendation would be to seriously consider your choice of words and rephrase them.   

 

[VictoriaBlisse]

I know you guys are *kinda* still on topic, but just be aware that if this line of discussion continues much further it may need to be moderated. I know you've kept it all civil, kudos, but please let it lie now and get back to the original topic in hand. Thank you! 

[Deleted Member]

On 11/27/2018 at 4:49 AM, CDKinkyJen said:

Clearly (and I’m thankful for you) you’ve not had the misfortune of being in an abusive relationship or had chance to speak to victims of domestic violence. Abusers are often very clever at hiding their abuse and can quite often use tricks like gaslighting to make things they do appear to be the ‘fault’ of the victim (or at least in the victims mind). 

This is so true and even after being there and now having more idea I think a good one will always neanle to bluff