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Seeking advice.


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I got my first taste of bondage a  while ago and, since then, it's been my kink of choice.

I have been open about my fetishes to my past and current significant other(s) as to not waste anyone's time or pressure them into anything. All have said they can handle it, all have eventually disappointed me.

My current SO and I started off fairly hot and heavy. He was so eager to give me what I wanted sexually in the early stages of our relationship, and also pretend that he was enjoying himself just as much.

Eventually, he tells me that my particular kinks are not a turn on for him and never have been, nor will they ever be. So that was the end of that. 

While I'm trying to compromise in the bedroom (attempting to keep the relationship from stagnation), I am physically starved, unsatisfied, and at a loss of what to do next.

What to do next....just keep going! I have played with several Doms & each one very different but I have literally only had a couple that have pushed to a level that I like to be pushed to. I have also had a few where I actually felt more primal than they were. The thing with bdsm I’d its quite a difficult search to find someone who we are matched with not only on a general level but also on a kink level but it is possible to find the right ones for us.

a sad problem is there are a lot of guys talk a good talk or claim they are "up for anything" that really aren't when the time comes (and guys : this is why you should be honest about your interest and experiences and actually take some time to learn about things you wish to try)

I'd say carry on and don't give up - but also, a little bit, where are you finding these guys? Is it from vanilla circles or fetish circles ?

Some of this I’m sure is down to the rise of the 50 shades wannabe tie/flog/fuck brigade that don’t take the time to understand the potential sub, a true Dom will always be into anything outside of their personal limits and boundaries , keep looking

it's easy to blame 50 shades - but the truth is there's always been those, particularly guys, who don't get it or see BDSM/kink as a quick win/kinky sex.

Not sure I agree with your notion of "true Dom" - other than there is no one 'true' way - what is actually 'true' is authenticity and different people are into different things.   Not sure why a Dominant (or many subs) would want to be into things outside of limits and boundaries.    I really don't like, say, verbal humiliation on someone's looks - I'm not going to namecall someone and be uncomfortable with it.... 


Sorry to butt in on this. I'm new here and have been off the radar for a few years but this is something close to my heart so I thought I'd offer my thoughts........
I think it's always going to be hard to find anybody 'vanilla' to be the right Dom unless both parties are 'vanilla' and choose to explore this kind of relationship together.
Men, particularly, will generally jump at the chance to have a submissive partner until they start to realise the huge responsibility that goes with it. They think that it's all about the sub doing anything and everything that they want, when in reality the Dom should be giving as much or even more to fully satisfy the sub's needs.
I truly believe that, as in any relationship, honesty is the most important ingredient to form and sustain a successful and long-term relationship.
In my humble opinion, I think that if you want a relationship with a partner who has no knowledge of the relationship you want as a submissive, you should be very clear, at day one of what you would want from them in return for your devotion - It helps to put it in writing so that it can set the ground rules going forward and be referred to if things aren't working - If a potential partner is not happy with your wishes, then they are probably wrong for you anyway!

Posted (edited)

It sounds as though you're pretty insatiable which is actually pretty cool. I also find partners largely unsatisfying, what eyemblacksheep says about guys who say "are up for anything" is equally true of girls, but that's really OK. It's easier if you have say one box you like ticked but when you have many it becomes bloody complicated as everyone has boundaries and limits and therefore compromise is always going to be there. It always going to be hard if you are in a monogamous relationship with different kinks too, highly likely the more complex your set of kinks are, the only way to achieve an overall satisfaction is to be poly in my mind. As for this "true Dom/sub" stuff, well I've come across this in all walks of life, it reaks of self validation, importance and authentication. It comes across desperate to stand out, it carries an elitist attitude and doubt the perpetrators get any action aside from young and seriously naive people. I do also wonder why people in such a varied and eclectic community like so much black and white. I mean is it not possible to enjoy rigging yet when actually involved in sex not be dominant at all? The Kink community really is guilty of the same assumptions of the vanilla at times, "if youre into A then you must be a B", suddenly the end of the rabbit hole gets a bit shit.

Edited by Deleted Member
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