LuvlyMsBlu Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 I’m pretty new to the Ds dynamic I’ve recently started engaging in. I get together every 2 weeks ago and explore a scene and he is so patient and easing me into everything, but after the scene, he doesn’t like to talk or message for a few days and he says it’s to “come down”. But, as a new sub, I’m so *** all the time with text/phone play and then physical submission, it seems odd to barely talk for 3-days. It feels like I’m being punished for giving myself to him. I’m looking for advice on why a Dom wants this, what am I missing?
TheBookCollector Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 There are many reasons he could do this. One could be dom drop, another is that he may not realise how you are affected. -- Have you spoken to him about how you feel in the aftermath of your time together? -- From my perspective, i like to give immediate aftercare and check in with my partner the following couple.of days to reassure her shes ok.
Deleted Member Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 Have you discussed this with him? It seems both your after care requirements are very different. He requires space (though that seems weird to me .. Most Doms I've spoken with will make time for their subs especially after play because of Sub drop)..... I understand you need reassurance and to be in contact with your Dom. Sub drop sucks bad. Whilst I'm trying to be understanding of your Dom, I can't help but think and feel there's some kind of 🚩🚩🚩 here with him. Did you negotiate terms, non negotiables, what after care requirements you have etc?
Zack_W Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 It sounds like he may be using you or that he is trying to give you time to recoup after each scene however, that is may not the case. Have you asked him about it? Communication between D&s is critical.
LuvlyMsBlu Posted October 11, 2022 Author Posted October 11, 2022 I have told him and I think after the first couple times I was experiencing sub drop although I didn’t realize it at that time. But, he kind of hit frustrated and made me feel like maybe he wasn’t the right Dom for me or maybe I wasn’t ready for this and that’s not the case. I explained to him when we met that I was very new so he was fully aware. We play all the time over the phone/texts so it just seems weird to need several days of almost total silence. He just says we need to “come down” but, I feel like that’s a time for reassurance and bonding so it’s just odd. Now I feel like if I say too much I’ll piss him off or come off super needy and that’s not it!! Lol
TheBookCollector Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 If hes making you feel like hes the wrong dom for you, then he probably is and use it as a learning experience. -- Make.sure.you ask a future partner about aftercare and post session checkins.
Deleted Member Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 Yeah that's very much 🚩 behaviour there. Trust your gut and if this does not feel right to you then do what's best for you
Deleted Member Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 I wish I could share my favourite D/s memes here but you're welcome to look at my profile and see the ones I've posted there. I'm also new to all of this but I'm a fast learner and it sounds like you are as well
Zack_W Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 Then tell him that you don't want to be left alone afterwards, say that you want him to be there because you need him for support. He might change
LuvlyMsBlu Posted October 11, 2022 Author Posted October 11, 2022 Thanks everyone. I guess it’s hard because he is so good with me during our scenes, I’m so elated to play and he’s very careful with my needs and ensuring I have a good experience when we are together. I just don’t get the distance part for a few days. I am going to tell him again what I need and hopefully he understands if I’m more direct. I *** I will lose him and that part sucks
Zack_W Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 2 minutes ago, LuvlyMsBlu said: Thanks everyone. I guess it’s hard because he is so good with me during our scenes, I’m so elated to play and he’s very careful with my needs and ensuring I have a good experience when we are together. I just don’t get the distance part for a few days. I am going to tell him again what I need and hopefully he understands if I’m more direct. I *** I will lose him and that part sucks Thats a *** that can be on both sides, the *** of loss is very common in the beginning, and while often its unfounded its mostly the doubt in our heads talking
TheBookCollector Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 Remember this lifestyle is about your needs as well as his and you need contact innthe aftermath. If he cant deal with your needs he is not the dom for you, there will be someone else out there.
ge**** Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 In the days after a meet of any kind (kink or vanilla) is the time you are most *** and most in need of reassurance as that's the time you naturally play things over in your head, and the only person you can really talk to about it is the other person present. . Whilst I kind of "get" his logic of allowing time for come down after a high, it's a flawed logic in my opinion. . It occurred to me that perhaps he's inexperienced also, and if that's the case is possibly why he's being a little naive in the logic he's applying. . You have two choices basically, talk to him and tell him that you need that contact and care immediately after, or decide he's not right for you and walk away. . Now the first option may lead you to walk away anyway, but at least you'd have had the conversation and not be left wondering.
LuvlyMsBlu Posted October 11, 2022 Author Posted October 11, 2022 Thanks everyone! And doesn’t a Dom want to build a relationship? I understand it’s not a typical relationship and we did discuss our meetings would be about twice a month but I guess I assumed a Dom would want to build on that connection and trust. And also know it’s common sense to be extra *** after a scene.
Zack_W Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 4 minutes ago, LuvlyMsBlu said: Thanks everyone! And doesn’t a Dom want to build a relationship? I understand it’s not a typical relationship and we did discuss our meetings would be about twice a month but I guess I assumed a Dom would want to build on that connection and trust. And also know it’s common sense to be extra *** after a scene. Some Doms want a relationship outside of the scenes and some don't, it depends on them
TheBookCollector Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 7 minutes ago, LuvlyMsBlu said: Thanks everyone! And doesn’t a Dom want to build a relationship? I understand it’s not a typical relationship and we did discuss our meetings would be about twice a month but I guess I assumed a Dom would want to build on that connection and trust. And also know it’s common sense to be extra *** after a scene. If you are looking for a relationship and he isnt then thats another reason to consider the future of your relationship with this dom.
LuvlyMsBlu Posted October 11, 2022 Author Posted October 11, 2022 Thanks. Yes we spoke about what we wanted, and I thought I was clear with my wants, but maybe I wasn’t. Maybe it’s a good idea to discuss again and ensure he knows what I’m expecting in a Ds relationship. I just know I pay attention to everything he says he likes, wants, expects and I’m almost always only told once lol! I'm thankful to have found this site! You all are making me understand a bit more what I need to do.
se**** Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 Everybody made good points. Like others pointed out, you have to find out if both of your directions are the same. As said, there may be miscommunications and different styles. You need to talk to him in DETAIL... DETAIL your needs in aftercare, what he thinks of it, and how it should be done/want from him. If you disagree about his thinking of aftercare, ask him why he thinks this way. After all this, then you decide, best course of action for you.
xP**** Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 After care is extremely important and I always sit down and talk and cuddle with my girls after the fact so if that’s something you desire then you need to find a new Dom or discuss with him that’s what you need.
Deleted Member Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 It's not clear to me from the original post ...was this your first intimate/physical meeting with him or you do a different "scene" every 2 weeks with him? If the latter ...what was different about this most recent scene?
Ma**** Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 I always keep chatting messaging, my subs have always been ready to keep chatting, so not sure why your Dom wants that, but you need to talk,
LuvlyMsBlu Posted October 11, 2022 Author Posted October 11, 2022 7 hours ago, Toronto-DaddyDom said: It's not clear to me from the original post ...was this your first intimate/physical meeting with him or you do a different "scene" every 2 weeks with him? If the latter ...what was different about this most recent scene? No, this was our 6th time meeting. The scene’s are similar however the intensity is more frequent. I can’t say a lot was different other than I’m just not understanding the need to do much distance for so many days immediately following our time together. That’s why I was curious if and why other Doms May request this or why they may think it’s best for the submissive.
Deleted Member Posted October 11, 2022 Posted October 11, 2022 That's really odd then. Defo time for a deep conversation with each other about what changed all of a sudden 👍
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