And Further Down The Rabbit Hole Go I

[AKA_Copper]

I've not been quiet here about my struggles with various parts of D/s relationships. There have been many things I've been clear that I've hated about the dynamic, calling someone 'Sir'? Duck off.
Being 'owned'? How about you objectify me a little more?
Being 'obedient'?
Following 'rules'?
Doing 'tasks'?
Duck off, duck off and then ducking well duck off some more!
Until I've experienced those things that is
So, it'll likely come as no surprise that I've never really liked the words "good girl". I mean, firstly I'm not a girl but secondly, it's yet another trope within the community that makes me cringe and thirdly, well, I must say those same words to the dogs 70 bazillion times a ducking day. Are you relating to me as a dog because you can duck off, ducking pet play (kidding, not kink shaming, it's just not for me)
I thought, I'd hate it to the point I prepared to add it to my hard limits list 🤣
And then those words were said.
To me.
Well, actually the words were, "you're such a fucking good girl".
And.
Well.
DUCK DUCK DUCK DUCK!!!!

I'd always thought it was a really condescending thing to say to someone but 💩, it made me feel so proud to have earned that response and...a little confused by how sexual that pride felt.
I was embarrassed that it took so little, just those few words, to push me into a very submissive space.
Being called a good girl is, for me, the quintessential act of praise. But there’s more to it than that.
It's not just those two words. Any kind of verbal praise is gonna hit those buttons. And it's the non verbal affirmations too.

Hell, pet names also fall under this category. That’s something else I didn’t think I'd be into. But, the first person to call me a 'good girl' also used a pet name for me and it made me feel special and appreciated and yeah, more submissive when it was used. In short, I ducking loved it and, what's worse, I miss it (shhh) 🤨

And before you 'good boys' decide to slide into my DM's, calling me a 'good girl' isn't like saying 'open sesame'. You aren't all going to be my Aladdin. Just like I'm not going to be your Jasmine and I certainly won't be opening my cave for just anyone. There has to be context. It can't be flippant, given every 5minutes, it has to be sincere. It also needs to be from someone I already respect, trust and have feelings for.

Receiving praise in any form, ignites my submissive side.
Subjecting myself to another person's judgment makes me ***. My feelings are in their hands and I have to trust him to treat them well.

I love getting recognition for a job well done. That recognition is part of what I’m after and I'll work for it. I’m not just aiming to please him, I’m also aiming for the praise I get from it. I’m looking for that feeling of pride that comes from being called a 'good girl' and knowing I’ve earned it. Truly earned it.

Earning praise and recognition from others I want to impress feels amazing to me. It satisfies an emotional craving I’ve had my entire life.

When I’m being praised, I know I’m being pleasing, it makes me feel that I'm wanted. It shuts that part of my brain down that causes doubt, makes me overthink and create silly scenario's in my head. I stop worrying that I’m not good enough, not hot enough, not sexy enough because I keep getting big, huge, flashing signs that I’m appreciated.

It makes me feel small. It makes me feel like I’m letting go and letting someone else take care of me. It makes me feel like I’m giving up some of my agency. And that feels really good when I know I’m safe and respected.

Praise is also what makes me feel like I’m being taken care of, not just being used.

[SapphireHeat]

Thank you for voicing this subject so well! I struggle to articulate what I want and why I want it. I like being submissive for those same things, feeling cared for and being praised for doing a good job. I think many people need some reassurance that we ARE enough, that we don't get in our day to day vanilla lives. I will admit I don't mind the Sir thing, but that's a to each their own... I wish more young people knew the kind of supportive community kinksters have. I finally feel like I've found my tribe. 

[ri****]

Thanks for this writing. It read very well.

[VK****]

Another fine message. I recall you were in raptures with your first Dom, who turned out to be a Narc. Have you managed to move on since or are you still scarred by that expeience? You strike me as a very clear minded and eloquent person, but the angst is there in so many posts. I truly hope that you can move on and find Mr Kinky Right. Meanwhile, thanks for the posts, I always steer newcomers here and recommend your writings. Peace and Love. xxxx 

[Ar****]

13 minutes ago, VKD said:

Another fine message. I recall you were in raptures with your first Dom, who turned out to be a Narc. Have you managed to move on since or are you still scarred by that expeience? You strike me as a very clear minded and eloquent person, but the angst is there in so many posts. I truly hope that you can move on and find Mr Kinky Right. Meanwhile, thanks for the posts, I always steer newcomers here and recommend your writings. Peace and Love. xxxx 

I think that what you're trying to say genuinely comes from a well-intentioned place but wowsers, have you ever considered tact?

[Sophie58]

Yes yes love, to reach a place where we can FINALLY drop our defense and surrender fully, and only to one we can trust to love and protect us and take us for their own, and praise us because they genuinely mean it because you can hear their appreciation in their voice, and we give back our love and devotion…. Pure Heaven !

[Sophie58]

1 hour ago, VKD said:

Another fine message. I recall you were in raptures with your first Dom, who turned out to be a Narc. Have you managed to move on since or are you still scarred by that expeience? You strike me as a very clear minded and eloquent person, but the angst is there in so many posts. I truly hope that you can move on and find Mr Kinky Right. Meanwhile, thanks for the posts, I always steer newcomers here and recommend your writings. Peace and Love. xxxx 

Ouch.

[Daedeluss]

Is it less about the words themselves, more about the emotion in the way that they are said?

[Deleted Member]

Absolutely love this post!!!!

[AKA_Copper]

8 hours ago, SapphireHeat said:

Thank you for voicing this subject so well! I struggle to articulate what I want and why I want it. I like being submissive for those same things, feeling cared for and being praised for doing a good job. I think many people need some reassurance that we ARE enough, that we don't get in our day to day vanilla lives. I will admit I don't mind the Sir thing, but that's a to each their own... I wish more young people knew the kind of supportive community kinksters have. I finally feel like I've found my tribe. 

I once wrote a whole post about honorifics such as Sir and why I'd never use them 🤣

I'm glad you found your people and I think you've articulated what you want/why rather well

[AKA_Copper]

5 hours ago, Sophie58 said:

Yes yes love, to reach a place where we can FINALLY drop our defense and surrender fully, and only to one we can trust to love and protect us and take us for their own, and praise us because they genuinely mean it because you can hear their appreciation in their voice, and we give back our love and devotion…. Pure Heaven !

There's definitely something about it that gives the feel good factor and acts as quite the motivator

[AKA_Copper]

2 hours ago, Puppy6411 said:

Is it less about the words themselves, more about the emotion in the way that they are said?

For me yes, the tone, the timing and the why

[Deleted Member]

That’s so interesting! I had a similar, albeit opposite experience, being spoken down to! Nobody in my everyday life is stupid enough to speak down to me, but when I was first spoken by a special someone, I was shocked at how it made me feel—I understand exactly why because I reflect on my life and my emotions, but it took that first time for me to realise something I always thought was a hard limit. But only that one person, nobody else gets to treat me that way, ever. Thanks for sharing your story!

[Deleted Member]

That’s so interesting! Thank you so much for sharing that story. I had a similar, albeit opposite experience, being spoken down to! Nobody in my everyday life is stupid enough to speak down to me, but when I was first spoken down to by a special someone, I was shocked at how it made me feel—I understand why now after reflection because I reflect on my life and emotions, but it took that first time for me to realise something I always thought was a hard limit, in some cases, isn’t so. But only that one person gets to treat me that way. Thanks again for sharing!

[Jait71]

Nicely said. It's always interesting to get another person's perspective on this issue - if only to remind me that there are many different ways to get to the same place. We're all individuals (to a certain degree, anyway!) and everybody responds differently to different approaches.
I hope you continue to find what makes you happy... 🙂

[Go****]

Dammit, CK! Way to make me feel totally called out here! 🙈😆

[AKA_Copper]

17 minutes ago, GoodGirlBetterBrat said:

Dammit, CK! Way to make me feel totally called out here! 🙈😆

🤣🤣 imagine my head, I spiralled for days. I had no idea who I was!

[MrJim]

Maybe bring those things up when you are making a contract before the relationship starts