Is it possible to live a poly lifestyle, but not be poly?

[Chloebear]

I think it can be easier to say you’re ok with poly, if you’re someone with little experience or understanding of how it works, until you get more attached and then it becomes emotionally challenging and people want exclusive/mono instead because they maybe want all of your attention or feel threatened or whatever the particular impulse is. A sense of possessiveness is pretty common. Maybe it’s easier to think of that with the men you’ve been with - I’m not sure they were lying about wanting to try poly, they just didn’t anticipate the emotional complexity. If they’re new to it from people I’ve spoken to, you take a while to settle that possessive or jealous impulse if it’s there. Maybe good to think that they were open to it and they may need time to develop their place in a poly lifestyle? Is it potentially an issue that could be anticipated and worked through openly? Some people just aren’t into poly… I don’t like sharing 😂

[La****]

I don't remember what it was called but I once came across a poly dating app way back when
It might be good to search for potential partners already in the same lifestyle

[Je****]

12 minutes ago, LatinDaddyDom said:

I don't remember what it was called but I once came across a poly dating app way back when
It might be good to search for potential partners already in the same lifestyle

I dont want any more dating apps. Online dating isnt for me. I just get pissed off 🤣🤣🤣

[Je****]

22 minutes ago, Chloebear said:

I think it can be easier to say you’re ok with poly, if you’re someone with little experience or understanding of how it works, until you get more attached and then it becomes emotionally challenging and people want exclusive/mono instead because they maybe want all of your attention or feel threatened or whatever the particular impulse is. A sense of possessiveness is pretty common. Maybe it’s easier to think of that with the men you’ve been with - I’m not sure they were lying about wanting to try poly, they just didn’t anticipate the emotional complexity. If they’re new to it from people I’ve spoken to, you take a while to settle that possessive or jealous impulse if it’s there. Maybe good to think that they were open to it and they may need time to develop their place in a poly lifestyle? Is it potentially an issue that could be anticipated and worked through openly? Some people just aren’t into poly… I don’t like sharing 😂

Yeh they werent open to the poly. But were ok with me already having someone. That is how it boiled down anyway. Ok with me having someone else, then just weren't. Even with plenty of reassurance and communication it wasn't to be. One told me i communicated way more than he was used to, and it scared him cus he was used to people being secretive and lying. So my upfront honestly was alien to him. 

With women I've no issues. The communication i can have with them is more understood and they seem more accepting. But alas my main interest in men, just isnt to be for now haha. 

Maybe i can focus on building a relationship/s with women and just keep men more on an open relationship side of things. Until one changes my current view and experience. 🤞🤞🤞

[MountainMan7777]

1 hour ago, Finally_Jen said:

I know it as being an item. Being attached. To or with someone. 

i personally believe you can be attached to more than one person, each relationship being its own exclusive thing.

I think it's more than an item - and I believe because you're running into it so often it seems to indicate that it's the rule rather than an exception.   I mean - sure - you can keep many relationships separate - but then you really can't go deep with all of them.   It's a bit like having a career - you can be a jack of all trades, or the master of one - but you can't really define yourself as both.

As to why this is the case - then I think the discussion would have to get really deep into human psychology.

Ultimately though... for 'most' men, they will want exclusivity (ie monogamy) the more they invest in a relationship.

[Gi****]

Can you be bi whilst only dating one gender? X

[Je****]

4 minutes ago, Gibious said:

Can you be bi whilst only dating one gender? X

What do you mean?

[John123456]

hi jen i guess so ?

 

[Ar****]

1 hour ago, Gibious said:

Can you be bi whilst only dating one gender? X

Can you be hetero if you aren't dating anyone?

[Gi****]

1 hour ago, Finally_Jen said:

What do you mean?

Was rhetoric. You can be poly without being in multiple relationships x

[Je****]

10 minutes ago, Gibious said:

Was rhetoric. You can be poly without being in multiple relationships x

True, but I *want* to be in them lol

[Gi****]

23 minutes ago, Finally_Jen said:

True, but I *want* to be in them lol

I want you to find what you deserve x

[Kansas-City219]

Everything is about hookups because of social media. Nobody wants to be real or create meaningless experiences with someone who has already created that for someone else. Especially with how girls act nowadays acting all snobby and shit. Girls like to "lock" themselves meaning only revealing the good side of yourself for that certain someone, might end up attracting the wrong people. You guys like to entertain any attention that comes your way because you have become more complacent with having that freedom. I've heard stories of many young girls, having fun, doing ***, having sex with older guys, substantially older men, teachers. Like, where's my fairy tail of a beautiful young youthful girl that I've been looking for to give me those buttery feelings again that I've been looking for? I want that youthful first time experience I never got. Goes to figure, it's just all bullshit and lies. That's why a lot of guys don't fuck with women who has dated a bunch or say they're poly. Most poly people I've met seem bit narcissistic, egotistical, manipulative. Most guys would say they're poly just to fuck and when you say you're poly, we get a picture or image of the type of person you are. So we don't take you seriously. I feel like this is a general idea of how guys think.

[Chloebear]

48 minutes ago, Kansas-City219 said:

Everything is about hookups because of social media. Nobody wants to be real or create meaningless experiences with someone who has already created that for someone else. Especially with how girls act nowadays acting all snobby and shit. Girls like to "lock" themselves meaning only revealing the good side of yourself for that certain someone, might end up attracting the wrong people. You guys like to entertain any attention that comes your way because you have become more complacent with having that freedom. I've heard stories of many young girls, having fun, doing ***, having sex with older guys, substantially older men, teachers. Like, where's my fairy tail of a beautiful young youthful girl that I've been looking for to give me those buttery feelings again that I've been looking for? I want that youthful first time experience I never got. Goes to figure, it's just all bullshit and lies. That's why a lot of guys don't fuck with women who has dated a bunch or say they're poly. Most poly people I've met seem bit narcissistic, egotistical, manipulative. Most guys would say they're poly just to fuck and when you say you're poly, we get a picture or image of the type of person you are. So we don't take you seriously. I feel like this is a general idea of how guys think.

This just demonstrates a lack of understanding of poly. It actually demonstrates a judgemental attitude towards it… and to women in general. Perhaps this is why you aren’t finding what you’re seeking, or maybe you’re being unrealistic. Either way, a different approach, more open, less hostile would likely get you better results, poly or mono.

[Ar****]

53 minutes ago, Kansas-City219 said:

...when you say you're poly, we get a picture or image of the type of person you are. So we don't take you seriously.

Nah. Screw that. Leave the judgement at the door, it has no place here. You assuming those things might give others a picture of the type of person YOU are, but you don't get to project invalid perceptions onto somebody just because their poly or for any other reason - and I'll gladly be one of a wealth of guys who'll thank you not to speak on their behalf. A lot of us are trying to move the species forward, believe it or not.

Is everything about hookups? Look around this very site and you'll soon find evidence to the contrary. Even on other platform l see people pining for meaning in their connections. Would a lot of guys say their poly just to fuck? Yes, sadly, but thankfully those sorts have a habit of revealing themselves before it gets to that point...

[Chastity_Pup_Gabbia]

I am finding it difficult to meet at least one woman let alone get involved in a poly relationship.
Personally, I’m finding even attempting to find anyone on fetish always turns out to be a failure. So I probably wouldn’t even be fortunate enough to get involved in a poly relationship.
Dating is starting to suck more and more and I find online is one of the worst ways. You don’t know who’s on the other side of the screen, whether they are truly up for any kind of relationship mono, Poly or anything.
Poly is probably easier between two women as men tend to lean towards the fantasy of two women together. Yet when it comes to the woman getting with another man it tends to upset some (not all men). They maybe thinking weird thoughts like is he better in bed, bigger in the penis area all stuff like that.
As you know it’s all communication and honesty between all involved.
I know I got a bit of a rant in about relationships in the beginning and sorry for that but final point poly relationships can be more complex than one on one. And with my record of no relationship at the moment I’m probably going to attempt to find a one on one before (or never) attempting a poly relationship.

[ma****]

15 hours ago, QXX666 said:

Do you have to be romantically involved with them? I am sure they are many men outhere just happy to have some sort of relationship with you without being too involved. Especially of its kinky.
But the ones you met so far are just insecure. If they know you were poly why started they started dating you?

If there isn't romance (love) involved, then it isn't poly. Polyamory comes from two latin words: poly=multiple and amore=love. If people aren't romantically involved with each other, they aren't poly. Having multiple play partners or friends with benefits is not polyamory, if feelings of love aren't involved.

[4R****]

Awesome topic Jen! 

My partner is also my sub, the bond between us is incredibly strong, romance, love, the whole shebang. Here’s where the Poly comes into it - she’s married (yes her husband knows and consents). She also lives most of the year on the opposite side of the world which of course gives us a few challenges, but it also gives us the opportunity to grow that intense psychological connection. Not only do we love each other but she also loves her husband and that is important to me too. 

Someone earlier mentioned “Dominant Possessiveness” and I concur, as a Dominant I have a strongly held belief that a submissive can only belong to one, whilst (although I choose not to) a Dominant can have multiple submissives (that’s a separate topic waiting to happen). My point is that because of that belief, even though we are poly, I will not allow my sub to have another Dominant (nor does she want one). Others have tried and have been very quickly shot down in flames. Except it's different when it comes to her husband, I accept that he is there and I encourage that connection. He’s not into “the lifestyle” therefore he is no threat to me as a Dominant and so there is a kind of tranquility to encouraging the bond between them as well as nurturing the bond between the two of us.

So perhaps this is one of the reasons you’ve had issues with the men you’ve met thus-far. Maybe they were coming at the relationship from a “Dominant” mindset rather than a “poly” mindset. 

Edited December 23, 2022 by 4RCH

[Je****]

8 hours ago, Kansas-City219 said:

Everything is about hookups because of social media. Nobody wants to be real or create meaningless experiences with someone who has already created that for someone else. Especially with how girls act nowadays acting all snobby and shit. Girls like to "lock" themselves meaning only revealing the good side of yourself for that certain someone, might end up attracting the wrong people. You guys like to entertain any attention that comes your way because you have become more complacent with having that freedom. I've heard stories of many young girls, having fun, doing ***, having sex with older guys, substantially older men, teachers. Like, where's my fairy tail of a beautiful young youthful girl that I've been looking for to give me those buttery feelings again that I've been looking for? I want that youthful first time experience I never got. Goes to figure, it's just all bullshit and lies. That's why a lot of guys don't fuck with women who has dated a bunch or say they're poly. Most poly people I've met seem bit narcissistic, egotistical, manipulative. Most guys would say they're poly just to fuck and when you say you're poly, we get a picture or image of the type of person you are. So we don't take you seriously. I feel like this is a general idea of how guys think.

1. Yes because people didn't hook up before social media was a thing.

 

2. "Nobody wants to be real or create meaningless experiences with someone who has already created that for someone else." --- I think your typo was meant to say *meaningful.

3. How girls act all snobby and shit. Well. I am an adult. I am over 18. Although I am non binary, which I won't even begin to argue with you over, I would be a "woman". Not a girl. Not a snobby bone in my body.

4. Girls (eyeroll) like to lock themselves....something about attracting wrong people. Yes. It's entirely the 'girls' fault. 

5. "You guys like to entertain any attention that comes your way." Okay then. Again all the 'girls fault'.

6. You've heard stories of many young 'girls' HAVING FUN, (god forbid), doing *** (checks self, nope not done those), Having ex with older men? (I mean I'm 32, oldest I've been with is 36. I guess that is substantial eh??).

7. So where is that fairy tale you've been hoping for? It doesn't exist, it is a fairy tale. And why do you keep saying Youth? This whole comment, not even relating to anything to do with polyamory, besides the bottom bit which I'll get to, is just simply bashing someone who has somewhat had mild success at dating. All because you have not. 

It is not all "bullshit and lies". You are clearly full of bullshit. You have 0 clue on what you are talking about. I mean, this comment alone,  I can clearly see why you have had no luck. I wouldn't touch you with a barge pole for at least 7 points in this comment of yours. And it's the first you've comment in the forum..... Wow. Good luck being this way. because you won't have success until you change. 

 

 

" That's why a lot of guys don't fuck with women who has dated a bunch or say they're poly. Most poly people I've met seem bit narcissistic, egotistical, manipulative. Most guys would say they're poly just to fuck and when you say you're poly, we get a picture or image of the type of person you are. So we don't take you seriously. I feel like this is a general idea of how guys think."

 

You are speaking for a lot of guys. I know a lot of guys. And I can certainly tell you, your voice does not reflect them, their actions, thoughts or feelings. 

The people you've met have been all those bad thing. That's a human thing and not going hand in hand with polyamory. Or is it because they have success dating multiple people that you've decided that this is what they are? Touch of sour g***s. 

Also, most guys who say they're poly, to find a way to fuck about, are NOT poly at all. They're lying cheating sleazy fuckers and anyone who genuine knows about Poly, will spot this a million miles away. 

Also what's the image or picture you get of me, for being poly?

Does the fact that I'm a human being, a parent, ***, partner even a friend to many, not mean anything? Or is it my dating style that determines me, who I am and what I do in this world? Another generalisation at the mouth of a very lonely person. I don't care for it. 

And YOU don't take US seriously?????

Pass me a tena lady.6

[Je****]

6 hours ago, ChastityPup said:

I am finding it difficult to meet at least one woman let alone get involved in a poly relationship.
Personally, I’m finding even attempting to find anyone on fetish always turns out to be a failure. So I probably wouldn’t even be fortunate enough to get involved in a poly relationship.
Dating is starting to suck more and more and I find online is one of the worst ways. You don’t know who’s on the other side of the screen, whether they are truly up for any kind of relationship mono, Poly or anything.
Poly is probably easier between two women as men tend to lean towards the fantasy of two women together. Yet when it comes to the woman getting with another man it tends to upset some (not all men). They maybe thinking weird thoughts like is he better in bed, bigger in the penis area all stuff like that.
As you know it’s all communication and honesty between all involved.
I know I got a bit of a rant in about relationships in the beginning and sorry for that but final point poly relationships can be more complex than one on one. And with my record of no relationship at the moment I’m probably going to attempt to find a one on one before (or never) attempting a poly relationship.

 

Aw Chas! I do agree dating sucks! But it won't always, I am being told that the right persons will come along, and I need to believe that. So do you. It is harder for men I'll admit, for those female seeming, it is a constant battle of too much of the wrong attention in a lot of cases. I'd rather have none than the wrong kind.

I gave up online dating. I don't feel anyone is what or who they seem online compared to real life. You can't read or hear tone, body language, mannerisms, sincerity, and that is very challenging. 

I believe it's all about where you are looking and trying. If not poly, I feel there can be a better chance in the every day society to find someone, but it's a matter of WHERE that person suited to you is.

It may not be the same sites, same town, or bars. Try events, different clubs, get new friends and go to parties and someone or something may just naturally progress. And while I have had my mentioned experiences with these men, the heartache at the end when they aren't ok with it, hasn't exactly been worth the encounters. 

 

I am always honest and communicate, I hate liars and those who keep shit to themselves, it's important to be honest and open in my opinion. But honesty doesn't always get you far where it's not something the person doesn't want to hear. Which is sad, but I cannot change that. I won't lie or deceive anyone so I guess I need to go through the *** of failed things and rejection. Everyone does at some stage. 

But that doesn't mean there isn't hope. Perhaps if you ever need or want to talk, I will always have my inbox open to listen, and you never know, perhaps talking to me, or others, may give you an insight on where to look, what to do or try. But it's never a lost cause. Maybe some evening we are all out, we can all go out on the pull and just let go of the worries and stresses of dating and enjoy the moment!

[Je****]

5 hours ago, 4RCH said:

Awesome topic Jen! 

My partner is also my sub, the bond between us is incredibly strong, romance, love, the whole shebang. Here’s where the Poly comes into it - she’s married (yes her husband knows and consents). She also lives most of the year on the opposite side of the world which of course gives us a few challenges, but it also gives us the opportunity to grow that intense psychological connection. Not only do we love each other but she also loves her husband and that is important to me too. 

Someone earlier mentioned “Dominant Possessiveness” and I concur, as a Dominant I have a strongly held belief that a submissive can only belong to one, whilst (although I choose not to) a Dominant can have multiple submissives (that’s a separate topic waiting to happen). My point is that because of that belief, even though we are poly, I will not allow my sub to have another Dominant (nor does she want one). Others have tried and have been very quickly shot down in flames. Except it's different when it comes to her husband, I accept that he is there and I encourage that connection. He’s not into “the lifestyle” therefore he is no threat to me as a Dominant and so there is a kind of tranquility to encouraging the bond between them as well as nurturing the bond between the two of us.

So perhaps this is one of the reasons you’ve had issues with the men you’ve met thus-far. Maybe they were coming at the relationship from a “Dominant” mindset rather than a “poly” mindset. 

I always look forward to you input. 

 

Firstly, thank you. It's a topic I have often pondered writing but was always afraid I would come across wrong. I did know I'd be told I wasn't perhaps ready for polyamory, (other posts of this nature have poked towards this) but I know I am, and do want it. I also ran this by my partner before I posted it in case he freaked thinking I wasn't at all in this with him haha. But as usual he was kind and understanding and wished me luck with some insight and advice in replies. He does after all, know my struggles that I have had with dating (men in particular). His advice was to follow my poly journey with women in the mean time and just enjoy what feels good and right for me, in regards to men, until one or two come along who are okay and open to this situation. This will most likely fruition more once he's living here and we are out exploring and dating others together, visiting clubs and events.

 

It's interesting that you, (and others) say it is to do with a dominance thing. A good friend also inboxed me on this topic, mentioning dominance, territory and a primal aspect to explain in some cases why men are less open to it at times. 

 

Now it's curious you have said that your partner, both loving and in a D/s thing, had her husband, and yourself. That you rightly so, are alright with and accept her husband, but she's not allowed another dominant. (I will tread this lightly as I know what you mean about it being a seperate topic) as subs usually only have one dominant. I firmly personally believe this to be the case too. IF I were to have a D/s, I wouldn't want more than one dominant, or a submissive of mine to have another dominant either. I feel that complicates things and may clash but anywho....

What for instance, IF your submissive found another man, who she wants to date, but not with a D/s element to it? Does the "dominance" come into play here and comflict this?

I have repeatedly said for a while now, that I am here to explore different lifestyles with dating, learning kink and exploring fetishes. I even love learning the ways of BDSM, and I do hope to explore a more dynamic kink /bdsm route in my current relationship, but I wouldn't try to have that with anyone else at the moment. For me, i would be dating and romance only if that makes sense?! 

So I guess I mean, does your "dominant possessiveness" come into it with a "regular other man" on the scene? 

It is all very fascinating, and I do hope to learn a more dominant role with my partner, and it can happen once we live together and can practise kink regular (believe it or not I have confidence issues that I am working on) and I hope to be able to offer them that side to me as well as the rest, but even if I was their dominant, I don't think it would stop me being okay with them having another partner for romance and adventures etc etc. As for the D/s side of that, I don't yet know. It's not something we have discussed in detail or have practised or set boundaries on. I imagine IF I was their dominant I wouldn't like another dominant on the scene incase it conflicted what he and I were doing or contradicted some of the things we play with. But, again we haven't got to that stage yet. I also believe that IF I couldn't provide the D/s with my partner, I'd have no problem encouraging them to have that with someone who can give them what they want or need, and I'd probably tell them to jus keep that person for the D/s thing, if they were happy with it, than complicate things. But it's all hypotheticals, and ofcourse I'd not stop someone doing what they wish. 

 

But yes you do make a point on the last part of your comment, about me meeting men who have came from a "dominant mindset than a poly one". It makes sense, and is why I have waffled on above about what I have. Because the men I've tried with, aren't in this kink scene, so perhaps the dominance of mindset, is purely the primal bit and not necessarily a Dom? Ugh I hope I make sense haha

[4R****]

43 minutes ago, Finally_Jen said:

What for instance, IF your submissive found another man, who she wants to date, but not with a D/s element to it? Does the "dominance" come into play here and comflict this?

Funnily enough we've actually had this discussion although I'm not comfortable going into specifics in a forum post without first discussing it with her. I will say I think the protective side of me would want to check the guy out but no I don't foresee the "dominance" itself being a conflict IF the situation ever arose.

Edited December 23, 2022 by 4RCH

[Nahian-5942]

It sucks being the third wheel. That's why. Most men are non polyamorous.

[ey****]

3 hours ago, Nahian-5942 said:

It sucks being the third wheel. That's why. Most men are non polyamorous.

most *people* are mono 

but if you feel you are 'third wheel' you're not understanding poly.  

[Hungry12124645]

I would love to find out