How can you possibly trust a person who is in control of literally your life?

[Ach1ll3s]

4 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Gut instinct, for example, nothing sinister here on this thread, simply an OP who is bored an on a wind up asking ridiculous questions

Not sure what "OP" means, but I'm very serious about this. Took me years to even start asking these kinds of questions. Before that, I felt such a question would be absolutely ridiculous to ask because there was only one answer, "You can't trust anyone! Period."

[Ach1ll3s]

8 minutes ago, theporters said:

No... I'm saying you might be uneducated on risk assessment. There is always some risk involved when engaging with someone in-person. I'll use a personal example for you-- I won't meet anyone in person who I have not personally verified the identity of repeatedly, spent probably... a solid month communicating with online, and filled out spreadsheets going over limits, experience levels, interests, etc... with. I don't rush into a dynamic or a scene because the process of submission takes time (at least for me) and trust being built outside of just kink-related topics. I also generally don't meet people off of the internet in person because I'm overly cautious, but in the few cases I do I've spent months ensuring that I have a full picture of the type of person I'm going to be spending time with. I suggest taking your time and looking up resources to use in the vetting process before jumping into any in-person sessions. Also community spaces are a great place to meet someone for the first time, where you know there will be dungeon monitors/ munch hosts present :). Hope this helps!

Would you mind suggesting some articles on this kind of risk assessment? I'll appreciate that a lot! Thank you! And I'll google "dungeon monitors/ munch hosts present," thanks!

[Ach1ll3s]

29 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Someone tag a Mod? The guys trolling and we've all fallen for it

No, I'm not &($*% trolling! FFS! I was ***d by my father for many years when I was a kid/***ager. Nothing sexual, just pure *** without any consent from my side. Got life-long PTSD and depression. Do you want me to list *** that I take to live?! I can't trust anyone. Every time I try, I can't shake off pictures of being killed in the most ***ful way. And I hate that I crave that @#*&ing submissiveness because that is what my father turned me into. I stopped having sex many years ago because the so-called "vanilla" made me even more depressed. And I never tried any kinks because I'm scared shitless. I'm turning 40 in less than a month, I have to stop it, I can't live like that anymore. Does this looks like *(%R#&ing trolling?! 

Edited April 11, 2023 by Ach1ll3s

[Ob****]

28 minutes ago, Ach1ll3s said:

Meaning that these folks have purely virtual relationships? Because if it's not virtual, any place is random. Well, maybe if it's done in a police precinct with online broadcasting, that will guarantee one's safety. lol

I wrote random people not random places. What I meant by random people is ‘strangers’. Lol, I’m not sure a police precinct would be up there on my list of potential places.

[Ach1ll3s]

I feel absolutely awful right now. My hands are shaking and my heart hurts. And I didn't even go on some apps or meet anyone IRL. It was totally enough for me just to trust and share my ***s to be immediately harmed (virtually, thank goodness).

[theporters]

28 minutes ago, Ach1ll3s said:

Would you mind suggesting some articles on this kind of risk assessment? I'll appreciate that a lot! Thank you! And I'll google "dungeon monitors/ munch hosts present," thanks!

Left you resources in your message box. Feel free to reach out if you have further questions :).

[Ach1ll3s]

Just now, theporters said:

Left you resources in your message box. Feel free to reach out if you have further questions :).

Thank you very much!

[CopperKnob]

I think that a quick scan through of any of the forums would have given you an indication as to the answers to your initial OP. I also think that when you're responding to comments relating how people ensure their online/IRL safety to "spy games" it raises eyebrows.
I'm sorry that you've had the upbringing you say you've had and I can understand your confusion you're experiencing.

[Ob****]

33 minutes ago, Ach1ll3s said:

No, I'm not &($*% trolling! FFS! I was ***d by my father for many years when I was a kid/***ager. Nothing sexual, just pure *** without any consent from my side. Got life-long PTSD and depression. Do you want me to list *** that I take to live?! I can't trust anyone. Every time I try, I can't shake off pictures of being killed in the most ***ful way. And I hate that I crave that @#*&ing submissiveness because that is what my father turned me into. I stopped having sex many years ago because the so-called "vanilla" made me even more depressed. And I never tried any kinks because I'm scared shitless. I'm turning 40 in less than a month, I have to stop it, I can't live like that anymore. Does this looks like *(%R#&ing trolling?! 

Hey Ach1ll3, if these are your experiences than it’s no wonder you find it hard to trust anybody, including yourself. It is totally understandable, what you went through is terrible. I’m not sure if you’re going to find any solution from anybody on this site. I can only suggest finding a therapist to work through your past experiences. I’ve heard schema therapy (performed with a trained psychologist) can be effective dealing with past traumatic events. Maybe step back from the kink stuff until youve got more of a handle on the effects of your trauma, as it might be too triggering. Be kind to yourself, you can figure this out. 🤗

[Ach1ll3s]

2 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I think that a quick scan through of any of the forums would have given you an indication as to the answers to your initial OP. I also think that when you're responding to comments relating how people ensure their online/IRL safety to "spy games" it raises eyebrows.
I'm sorry that you've had the upbringing you say you've had and I can understand your confusion you're experiencing.

English is not my native, so the "spy games" may have a different meaning for you. I meant an engagement when one asks all sorts of contradicting questions over a long period to make the other one "trip" and make contradicting statements. I did that a lot. It mostly didn't end well, though.

[Deleted Member]

Where are these people that do these things. Name the and I’ll give them a good personal talking to. In muh dungeon. Mooowahhhhahaha.

[ge****]

1 hour ago, Ach1ll3s said:

What is a "sufficient level of trust"? How do you know when it's sufficient?

A sufficient level of trust is very individual and is driven by various factors, but largely comes through getting to know someone to a point where you instinctively know that they can be trusted.
.
It's no different from anything where a level of trust and risk assessment is required - there are of course no guarantees which is where the risk assessment comes in.

[ge****]

1 hour ago, Ach1ll3s said:

No, I'm not &($*% trolling! FFS! I was ***d by my father for many years when I was a kid/***ager. Nothing sexual, just pure *** without any consent from my side. Got life-long PTSD and depression. Do you want me to list *** that I take to live?! I can't trust anyone. Every time I try, I can't shake off pictures of being killed in the most ***ful way. And I hate that I crave that @#*&ing submissiveness because that is what my father turned me into. I stopped having sex many years ago because the so-called "vanilla" made me even more depressed. And I never tried any kinks because I'm scared shitless. I'm turning 40 in less than a month, I have to stop it, I can't live like that anymore. Does this looks like *(%R#&ing trolling?! 

Whilst it was nowhere near the degree that you, very sadly, experienced - I can relate to how past experiences can shape your sexual behaviours even though it may seem contradictory.
.
I was regularly spanked OTK with a wooden spoon as a child by a somewhat malicious step-father, and also came very close to being ***d by two other so called responsible male adults (mercifully in both instances it never progressed to anything harmful).
.
Yet now OTK is something I love and at times crave (although use of a wooden spoon is a limit) and I'm bisexual, and I have no doubt those early experiences informed both of those sides of my sexuality.
.
At various times it's struck me as to how contradictory it seems that I enjoy things from such bad experiences but the more I've thought about it the more I've come to realise that I've embraced them as a means of sticking two fingers up at those bad experiences and effectively have beaten them.
.
Now I'm not suggesting that is something something you can or should do as your experiences obviously go a lot deeper, but it may go some way to help explain why you have the kinks you do and yet feel so conflicted by them.
.
I'm truly sorry for what happened in your past, and as Obbork suggests perhaps taking a step back and seeking a level of counselling/therapy is the way to go, though am sure you've been down that route already.

[Ach1ll3s]

33 minutes ago, Obbork said:

Hey Ach1ll3, if these are your experiences than it’s no wonder you find it hard to trust anybody, including yourself. It is totally understandable, what you went through is terrible. I’m not sure if you’re going to find any solution from anybody on this site. I can only suggest finding a therapist to work through your past experiences. I’ve heard schema therapy (performed with a trained psychologist) can be effective dealing with past traumatic events. Maybe step back from the kink stuff until youve got more of a handle on the effects of your trauma, as it might be too triggering. Be kind to yourself, you can figure this out. 🤗

Thank you! I have both a psychiatrist and a therapist. Though, I kinda avoid bringing up this topic much, TBH. I'm extremely NOT proud of this side of my personality, to put it mildly. But you are right about triggering. Once, I heard a guy at the party saying something like, "I need to find a sub to make me sandwiches." I got so horrified I couldn't breathe, literally. However, it's obvious that I already missed the 40 yo deadline to figure all this stuff out. Nonetheless, I need to resolve this entire mess. I can't go on like this for the rest of my life.

[Ach1ll3s]

16 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

I was regularly spanked OTK with a wooden spoon as a child by a somewhat malicious step-father, and also came very close to being ***d by two other so called responsible male adults (mercifully in both instances it never progressed to anything harmful).
.
Yet now OTK is something I love and at times crave (although use of a wooden spoon is a limit) and I'm bisexual, and I have no doubt those early experiences informed both of those sides of my sexuality.

Doesn't it make you sick? Don't you hate what he did to you and what you became because of that? Wouldn't you want to get rid of that part of your personality?

And the main question (that my therapist keeps bringing up) is, "Did you ever forgive him for what he did to 'embrace' this part of yourself?"

[ge****]

10 minutes ago, Ach1ll3s said:

Doesn't it make you sick? Don't you hate what he did to you and what you became because of that? Wouldn't you want to get rid of that part of your personality?

And the main question (that my therapist keeps bringing up) is, "Did you ever forgive him for what he did to 'embrace' this part of yourself?"

Yes, I hate what he did and it goes without saying I hated him as a result of not only that but other things he did that aren't relevant to this topic and if I saw him on fire I wouldn't piss on him to put it out. I certainly never have and never will forgive him for what he did, mercifully he wasn't part of my life for long either.
.
However I don't hate the part of my sexuality that was shaped by it, nor do I want to get rid of it - it's a part of me, and like I said I've been able to embrace it as such - but then by comparison what I suffered was mild compared to what others suffer and maybe that's why I've been able to accept it in the way I have.

[Ob****]

36 minutes ago, Ach1ll3s said:

Thank you! I have both a psychiatrist and a therapist. Though, I kinda avoid bringing up this topic much, TBH. I'm extremely NOT proud of this side of my personality, to put it mildly. But you are right about triggering. Once, I heard a guy at the party saying something like, "I need to find a sub to make me sandwiches." I got so horrified I couldn't breathe, literally. However, it's obvious that I already missed the 40 yo deadline to figure all this stuff out. Nonetheless, I need to resolve this entire mess. I can't go on like this for the rest of my life.

Hey don’t tell me there’s a 40yo deadline?!? I’m 42 and only just got into this kinky stuff and definitely haven’t figured myself out yet lol :)
Glad to hear you have some professional help. I totally understand that it must be difficult and exhausting to talk about. But remember they are trained on this stuff and can help you. Also remember that sometimes it takes awhile to find the right patient/therapist fit, and if it’s not working, after honestly trying, you can go elsewhere.
Btw, so many things about bdsm horrified me for most of my life. But once you properly scratch beneath the surface, there’s an etiquette/moral code (?not sure of right word to describe) that is so strong and solid, which the vanilla world has not yet caught up on, it really surprised me. Not to say, there aren’t douche bags out there that will try to *** it or others, but there are many lovely kinksters that exist out there ☺️

[Ob****]

38 minutes ago, Ach1ll3s said:

Doesn't it make you sick? Don't you hate what he did to you and what you became because of that? Wouldn't you want to get rid of that part of your personality?

And the main question (that my therapist keeps bringing up) is, "Did you ever forgive him for what he did to 'embrace' this part of yourself?"

Just putting it out there - who’s to say that you wouldn’t have got in touch with you’re submissive side even if you didn’t get ***d as a child? I can’t speak for anybody else, but I don’t have any physical trauma in my past and I have a strong submissive side, don’t mind a spanking or being tied up., among other things. You’re you and that is ok, more than ok.

[Si****]

3 hours ago, theporters said:

Any submissive worth their salt knows how to properly vet someone prior to engaging in any scenes or dynamics. It doesn't happen immediately, rather requires time, trust, and good communication. Most of the time it also requires building a solid foundation outside of kink.

Absolutely! My initial communication with anyone, to begin with, is mostly very vanilla. I like to see if we are actually compatible as people, well before any kink talk comes in to play. We can see the basics on here of peoples kinks and roles, through their profiles. So basic communication and general chit chat is how I like to approach things to begin with. Plenty of time to get down to the fun kinky stuff later on, just build a little foundation to begin with.

[p1****]

If you are afraid to die… you are afraid to live. And you also have trust issues… i do too but i mean if the thirst is real then you would give it a shot 🤣

[QXX666]

The fact that you think only the submissive is at risk show you have not read everything. Maybe you need to go back in the bdsm library and read more.
Nothing is 100% effectively safe, that’s why people follow their guts, do assessment, ask questions etc… it’s been working for years and years so you didn’t reinvent the wheels I am afraid…

[lu****]

Well that’s why their is a vetting process just like dating anyone . For me personally getting to know the person meeting in public safe places for a while as some may say “vanilla” start and then get into the kink talk . As a submissive when we say trust is earned I know for me personally I am not jumping into kink play or scenes Willy Nilly and when I personal refuse to do so or engage that way with people quickly and they push or get mad it’s a red flag 🚩 block move on .

[ca****]

...accidentally posted, updating now

Edited April 11, 2023 by callipygian

[ca****]

Not 100% sure what your (the original poster OP) are asking...... other than looking for possible angles that might point you in a direction of an (the) answer.

" It's way more likely that there's something (that I know nothing about) that somehow convinces people that meeting a complete stranger in the middle of the night, going into their house, and letting them incapacitate you is a sound decision."  -  this sounds pretty risky to me...  and yes there are people doing it... submissive people, left handed people, people with straight hair....  ie people in all walks of life... maybe they like the risk taking side of it??   Until the risk becomes a reality.

To me you are asking about 'risk' and how you make yourself comfortable with that risk / whatever the situation..............    and many above has answered that, trust, experience, vetting, precautions....   but risk exists and there is risk in everything....  there is real risk and our perception of a risk.....  you have taken risks today and you take risks everyday within your life, yet you still take those risks - at some point you decide that you are OK with the risk and you do whatever it is you do.

Your past experiences are a large factor - and there it is hard to say how to approach that... but again as some of the advice above says.... counselling / therapy...   but you would have to 'deal' with the subject in those moments...trying not to avoid covering it (as best you can).....     I also think you do well to ask questions and cover the topic on forums like this.... as you can see you will a diversity of comments and suggestions - which is to be expected ( i think),   people see / perceive things differently and going back to my point above, people also address risks differently......

Good luck in getting where you want to be.

[Deleted Member]

Short answer; you can't and you never should. Only trust yourself.