What is/am I a "soft dom"?

[Cl****]

I've seen this term more and more lately, both here and elsewhere. I'm curious how people define it, and I'm genuinely wondering if I fall into this category. While I definitely like to punish/discipline/ am a sadist and enjoy some dirty talk/name calling and ***, I've never been the type to actually want to hurt someone's feelings. Does this make one a so called "soft" dom? I've been doing a little research and the term seems to be loosely defined at best. Thoughts/opinions on this recent addition to the vernacular of kink?

[ey****]

one of the problems of some terms being... kinda... "catch all" is people then have moments where it's like "I'm a Dominant, and they're a Dominant but we're very different" so then try to find new ways to label or break it down

traditionally in kink, people would use terms they felt fit them and that's the best way to work.

the reason 'soft Dom' is loosely defined when you google is because... well, individuals all have their own ideas what it means.  

[Silkyscarves]

I’m submissive type myself I feel it inside myself inside my mind but how submissive does someone need to show for people to say u actually are that way lol ?

[da****]

I identify as a soft Dom, mostly because I’m not a sadist for the sake of inflicting ***, but I calibrate what I do to my sub based on their needs. I don’t demand my subs submit to me outright, I prefer to earn their respect and choose to submit, both in the bedroom, and in their lives (staying hydrated, going back to college, doing tasks that benefit them, etc.). I also don’t demand honorifics, those are a gift from my subs when they feel like I have earned a title. Also I don’t like to remember a bunch of rules, so I don’t *** my subs to follow strict routines, follow a bunch of arbitrary rules, or otherwise *** them to prove their submission to me. So to me that the roundabout difference between a Dom and a Soft Dom. One requires or demands submission , the other earns submission.

[Ch****]

I’ve always considered it more to be _how_ you en*** your dominance over what the dominance is.
More of a “would you like some impact play” over “bend over b1tch”.
The actual ***, rules, intensity can be the same, but the energy to get there takes a different path.
Though as with everything is BDSM; ask 2 people for a definition, get 3 answers.

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, dallas809 said:

I identify as a soft Dom, mostly because I’m not a sadist for the sake of inflicting ***, but I calibrate what I do to my sub based on their needs. I don’t demand my subs submit to me outright, I prefer to earn their respect and choose to submit, both in the bedroom, and in their lives (staying hydrated, going back to college, doing tasks that benefit them, etc.). I also don’t demand honorifics, those are a gift from my subs when they feel like I have earned a title. Also I don’t like to remember a bunch of rules, so I don’t *** my subs to follow strict routines, follow a bunch of arbitrary rules, or otherwise *** them to prove their submission to me. So to me that the roundabout difference between a Dom and a Soft Dom. One requires or demands submission , the other earns submission.

What he said! As a person who is looking for a Soft Dom, I would say it's someone who can play rough and still be romantic as hell, using the 5 languages of love, is someone who wants their sub succeed their goals so it's sets healthy boundries rules for her to obey and punishes her to make her better and not to "degrade" psychologically

[MasterDarcy1979]

First of all, the role of "soft Dom" usually has negative connotations attached to it. The stereotypical Dominant is one with long jet black hair, who wears a leather duster, who has a goatee and who has a flogger or a whip permanently attached to their hand.

Just be who you are.

That being said, I view a "soft Dom" is one who isn't as sadistic as a "hard Dom" and a Dom who is more sensitive.

You say that you don't like to hurt feelings. I would absolutely say that that's in the soft Dom checklist.

Personally, I'm a hard Dom. When I get into my Domspace, I'm sadistic and tough and unmerciless.

But that's just how I work. Beforehand, there is a lot of groundwork to work on.

Another stereotype is that hard Doms can't be romantic, etc. It's not true. I'm a hard Dom and yet I read/watch Jane Austen, etc.

My username is actually a play-on-words of the male protagonist of "Pride and Prejudice".

I'm also extremely attentive to aftercare, etc.

You can't really pigeonhole a role.

It usually just work in averages. If you check more soft Dom boxes than hard Dom, you're a soft Dom.

Edited July 11, 2023 by MasterDarcy1979

[Deleted Member]

Monday at 10:27 PM, dallas809 said:

I identify as a soft Dom, mostly because I’m not a sadist for the sake of inflicting ***, but I calibrate what I do to my sub based on their needs. I don’t demand my subs submit to me outright, I prefer to earn their respect and choose to submit, both in the bedroom, and in their lives (staying hydrated, going back to college, doing tasks that benefit them, etc.). I also don’t demand honorifics, those are a gift from my subs when they feel like I have earned a title. Also I don’t like to remember a bunch of rules, so I don’t *** my subs to follow strict routines, follow a bunch of arbitrary rules, or otherwise *** them to prove their submission to me. So to me that the roundabout difference between a Dom and a Soft Dom. One requires or demands submission , the other earns submission.

To me your Dom type would be perfect, but I wouldn’t call you soft.

[Be****]

Let's roll this back a little.
What sets a Dom apart from a simple ***r is that this is a genuinely consensual arrangement, whatever the activity.

With that comes what I believe to be the strongest part which is the exchange of power in the dynamic and the trust inherent in that.

The next bit I think that probably tips things between the soft/sensual Dom or the harder Dom is the degree of physical sadism involved. I was just going to say sadism but my mind got to wandering - sadism takes many forms.

As ever though, it's a problem born out of our need to label. When in my more dominant mode, I would say I fit this model, I'd rather punish someone with an over abundance of pleasure than ***, but *** is available and some want/need it but it's the pleasure it's giving them that's working for me, not the direct *** I'm giving, so does that mean I've fallen back out of my box?

[98Explorer]

On 7/10/2023 at 11:27 PM, dallas809 said:

I identify as a soft Dom, mostly because I’m not a sadist for the sake of inflicting ***, but I calibrate what I do to my sub based on their needs. I don’t demand my subs submit to me outright, I prefer to earn their respect and choose to submit, both in the bedroom, and in their lives (staying hydrated, going back to college, doing tasks that benefit them, etc.). I also don’t demand honorifics, those are a gift from my subs when they feel like I have earned a title. Also I don’t like to remember a bunch of rules, so I don’t *** my subs to follow strict routines, follow a bunch of arbitrary rules, or otherwise *** them to prove their submission to me. So to me that the roundabout difference between a Dom and a Soft Dom. One requires or demands submission , the other earns submission.

I like you're thinking - maybe because you sound like me!

 

"It's not about making her do things she doesn't want to do - it's about finding out what she WANTS to be 'made' to do...!!"

 

[Nocturne]

It entirely depends on whether you want that label. If you feel like the way others describe it would enhance your ability to communicate your play style, go for it, if not, you don't need to have every single label you can find. 

Personally speaking, I have been told I am a soft Dom. My favourite kink is sadism, which I think is ironic considering how one of the things that subs I've been with tend to agree on when it comes to me is that I might be mean, but that on the most basic level, I'm still extremely gentle. I don't know whether I had more enjoyment when I ***d my subs or when I gave them aftercare, or cuddled them while the *** peaked and dissipated. What matters most to me is their comfort and their enjoyment. I like to be caring towards them. Yet I felt the most explicitly soft towards them when I was with someone particularly masochistic. 

Even so, I wouldn't specifically feel the need to use the label, I'm fine with being called a soft Dom, but softness isn't something that I would consider to be at the forefront of my identity as a Dom. I can't tell how my journey will continue and evolve, especially since it's only started, so for now I'll let things remain fluid.