Is it realistic to be 100% dominant?

[Deleted Member]

To be clear, I'm not saying it's impossible to be completely dominant.

I tend to think about dynamics more like a flow of energies.. so it's okay for someone to be in one energy more so than the other.

It feels like there's a tendency to see people go balls to the walls about being ultra dominant, alpha, or whatever.

In my mind, if you're constantly in that space.. where do you have time to calm down.. and engage with a sub or your sub on a more personal and emotional level? Where do you have space to read unspoken signals and adjust for their safety/comfort?

I'm not saying that's entirely submissive, but there are elements of it in being wholly responsible for someone else's well-being during play and after.

I believe that to be an excellent dominant, daddy, or whatever.. you have to understand what it means to submit.. and you have to have a willingness to engage with that energy within yourself... how else could you understand it or draw it out?

Otherwise, you could effectively be an out of control fire looking to consume anything that is willing to burn.

[un****]

personally i disagree to a point its not that you need to understand submission per say but vulnerability and you need to be able to be *** yourself which takes a lot of humility but no one can close off all the time AND have a healthy relationship

[Si****]

Yes it’s realistic. I don’t claim to be anything special but equally I don’t have a submissive bone in my body. Being Dominant is not about never switching off, or not having downtime. Nor is it about being some “ultra dominant domly master dom daddy sir” who never compromises or adapts. But to suggest that someone can’t be 100% dominant or needs to have submissive energy within themself to understand submission is akin to the old belief that you had to start as a submissive before you earned the right to be a dominant. No you don’t! 

[MasterDarcy1979]

There's a difference between being a Dominant and being a control freak.

Mostly, but not always, a Dominant is only Dominant when they're in their Dom headspace.

In the UK, during the 80s, members of the political parliament were caught frequenting sex dungeons, etc.

It was a massive scandal.

In my most recent history I've been contacted by female submissives who are in high society and in premium industries.

The reason for that is that everyone needs to turn their value and release some steam.

So, it goes the other way, too. Human beings aren't one dimensional, particularly when it comes to BDSM roles.

Personally, when I'm out of my Dom headspace I'm a gentleman. I'm attentive  polite, mannerly, etc.

However, I'm an entirely different *** when I enter my Dom headspace.

[De****]

6 hours ago, 4RCH said:

Yes it’s realistic. I don’t claim to be anything special but equally I don’t have a submissive bone in my body. Being Dominant is not about never switching off, or not having downtime. Nor is it about being some “ultra dominant domly master dom daddy sir” who never compromises or adapts. But to suggest that someone can’t be 100% dominant or needs to have submissive energy within themself to understand submission is akin to the old belief that you had to start as a submissive before you earned the right to be a dominant. No you don’t! 

Thank you…. Finally another one who gets it. Lotta submissive doms out here. I personally refer to them as low lvl doms… mainly because they as well as they’re version of subs do nothing but trash REAL doms. They’re almost the white knights of the Kink world. This type of dom feels the need to shower his subs with fluff because he has very little to offer outside of that. I recently spoke with another Sadist/Dom and he also said that I must be willing to submit to the same things I expect my subs to submit to. You must be crazy.

[De****]

On the flip side I don’t have any Dominance in me in my relationships. Even having my partner saying “please” to me is jarring. That being said, if they are sick or having a hard time I can still support them. There are different types of submission and Dominance. You can be completely Dominant and/or submissive and still connect emotionally.

[gi****]

7 hours ago, 4RCH said:

Yes it’s realistic. I don’t claim to be anything special but equally I don’t have a submissive bone in my body. Being Dominant is not about never switching off, or not having downtime. Nor is it about being some “ultra dominant domly master dom daddy sir” who never compromises or adapts. But to suggest that someone can’t be 100% dominant or needs to have submissive energy within themself to understand submission is akin to the old belief that you had to start as a submissive before you earned the right to be a dominant. No you don’t! 

I think this is interesting.  I don't think there is a single way of being dominant or submissive.  I'd agree that there are individuals who are 100% dominant who don't have to submit to understand or empathize with submissive.  I would consider myself dominant, though it has helped me to understand submissives by submitting myself.  I don't think there is a single pathway.  

[gi****]

1 hour ago, DeviantMentals said:

Thank you…. Finally another one who gets it. Lotta submissive doms out here. I personally refer to them as low lvl doms… mainly because they as well as they’re version of subs do nothing but trash REAL doms. They’re almost the white knights of the Kink world. This type of dom feels the need to shower his subs with fluff because he has very little to offer outside of that. I recently spoke with another Sadist/Dom and he also said that I must be willing to submit to the same things I expect my subs to submit to. You must be crazy.

This is an interesting take.  I would by no means consider myself a "submissive" Dom.  Neither do I "trash REAL doms."  I do hold people accountable for shitty behavior that is nonconsensual.  You may see that as being a "white knight."  I, on the other hand, see it as being an ethical dominant.  There are many types of dominants and submissives, and to trash ones that do things differently than you is no better than those who trash your way of doing things.  I am a sadist dominant.  I am also a Big to littles; a Daddy Dom; etc.  I don't think any of these roles make me any less a "real" dominant.  How I need to do things to be able to understand and empathize may be different than how you need to do things.

[De****]

1 hour ago, giraut said:

This is an interesting take.  I would by no means consider myself a "submissive" Dom.  Neither do I "trash REAL doms."  I do hold people accountable for shitty behavior that is nonconsensual.  You may see that as being a "white knight."  I, on the other hand, see it as being an ethical dominant.  There are many types of dominants and submissives, and to trash ones that do things differently than you is no better than those who trash your way of doing things.  I am a sadist dominant.  I am also a Big to littles; a Daddy Dom; etc.  I don't think any of these roles make me any less a "real" dominant.  How I need to do things to be able to understand and empathize may be different than how you need to do things.

I agree with everything you said. I don’t believe I was addressing you.

[gi****]

2 minutes ago, DeviantMentals said:

I agree with everything you said. I don’t believe I was addressing you.

My misunderstanding, I apologize

[De****]

7 minutes ago, giraut said:

My misunderstanding, I apologize

No problem. I’ll be honest… I came off pretty mean yesterday, had a really bad toothache. Here’s the thing though…. Over the years I have noticed a very large side of the community consistently judge and down talk doms similar to the way I believe I carry myself. I buy no means am interested in anything non consensual, I have issues with doms, that judge you based on your kinks… and assume that what you’re doing is non consensual because they can’t pull it off themselves. I’m 6’2, 200lbs fairly athletic…. Let’s just say women find me attractive. This opens more doors and opportunities for me, and I personally believe both the doms and subs that match that energy really are a bunch of jaded/jealous people. Anyways, rant over.

[Mi****]

49 minutes ago, DeviantMentals said:

No problem. I’ll be honest… I came off pretty mean yesterday, had a really bad toothache. Here’s the thing though…. Over the years I have noticed a very large side of the community consistently judge and down talk doms similar to the way I believe I carry myself. I buy no means am interested in anything non consensual, I have issues with doms, that judge you based on your kinks… and assume that what you’re doing is non consensual because they can’t pull it off themselves. I’m 6’2, 200lbs fairly athletic…. Let’s just say women find me attractive. This opens more doors and opportunities for me, and I personally believe both the doms and subs that match that energy really are a bunch of jaded/jealous people. Anyways, rant over.

I don’t understand what you are trying to say here. Am I understanding this correctly… you’re saying that because you are conventionally physically attractive (I’m a bit sapiosexual and demisexual which for me means I am personally more attracted to personality than physical features) that you are more able to express your Dominant side 100% of the time? And that people who aren’t as conventionally attractive don’t have the same opportunities and therefore are more submissive? And that they belittle Doms like you because they’re jealous? Just looking for clarification.

[ey****]

I think to think of things one way.

If two vanilla people are married, or in a relationship, they're always in that relationship whether they're having sex, watching TV, or apart (at work, out shopping, etc) the same is true for a Dominant, or submissive, in a D/s relationship

The thing is that "being Dominant" isn't about life being an extended play scene or session.   But in little things.  

[Fr****]

Honestly I don’t think so it’s more about that you wish to do as a person I’m a Dom and have subs mutiple even yet I choose how I wish to dominate them if they don’t like it they can go elsewhere I don’t exist to please the world sadly yet if they do tell me their kinks I’m willing to adapt and listen to them personally I don’t like harm at all but some wish for it regardless since that’s how they wish to be dominated I think it’s a balance like everything else in life. Just depends on what you want and how far ur willing to go for it.

[De****]

32 minutes ago, MinnesotaMinx said:

I don’t understand what you are trying to say here. Am I understanding this correctly… you’re saying that because you are conventionally physically attractive (I’m a bit sapiosexual and demisexual which for me means I am personally more attracted to personality than physical features) that you are more able to express your Dominant side 100% of the time? And that people who aren’t as conventionally attractive don’t have the same opportunities and therefore are more submissive? And that they belittle Doms like you because they’re jealous? Just looking for clarification.

Exactly. I understand there are Demi’s and sapios where this would not come into play with. But yes… you bout hit it on the button.

[De****]

34 minutes ago, MinnesotaMinx said:

I don’t understand what you are trying to say here. Am I understanding this correctly… you’re saying that because you are conventionally physically attractive (I’m a bit sapiosexual and demisexual which for me means I am personally more attracted to personality than physical features) that you are more able to express your Dominant side 100% of the time? And that people who aren’t as conventionally attractive don’t have the same opportunities and therefore are more submissive? And that they belittle Doms like you because they’re jealous? Just looking for clarification.

I will say this though…. It’s more so the men who would have less opportunity, not so much the subs…. The subs just play into it.

[De****]

2 minutes ago, DeviantMentals said:

Exactly. I understand there are Demi’s and sapios where this would not come into play with. But yes… you bout hit it on the button.

So I’m submissive cuz I’m not attractive?

[De****]

5 minutes ago, DenverKitten said:

So I’m submissive cuz I’m not attractive?

Is that really what you derived from what I said?

[De****]

1 minute ago, DeviantMentals said:

Is that really what you derived from what I said?

I’m confused about if your saying submissive people are less attractive or if your saying less attractive dominants are more submissive. Point of clarification.

[De****]

11 minutes ago, DenverKitten said:

So I’m submissive cuz I’m not attractive?

The 50 year old out of shape dom is not more submissive…. He’s LESS dominant because he has to play his stack of cards differently. He may not even be less dominant per se…. But again, his cards must be played differently. I understand there are many bad ass older dude doms out there…. I am not speaking on those, im speaking on the ones who show up in the journal sections of the bdsm communities and put up there little white night stories so hopefully, ohhh hopefully a sub will want me today. This is what is going on.

[De****]

16 minutes ago, FreeTheAsses said:

Honestly I don’t think so it’s more about that you wish to do as a person I’m a Dom and have subs mutiple even yet I choose how I wish to dominate them if they don’t like it they can go elsewhere I don’t exist to please the world sadly yet if they do tell me their kinks I’m willing to adapt and listen to them personally I don’t like harm at all but some wish for it regardless since that’s how they wish to be dominated I think it’s a balance like everything else in life. Just depends on what you want and how far ur willing to go for it.

Right on👍

[De****]

4 minutes ago, DeviantMentals said:

The 50 year old out of shape dom is not more submissive…. He’s LESS dominant because he has to play his stack of cards differently. He may not even be less dominant per se…. But again, his cards must be played differently. I understand there are many bad ass older dude doms out there…. I am not speaking on those, im speaking on the ones who show up in the journal sections of the bdsm communities and put up there little white night stories so hopefully, ohhh hopefully a sub will want me today. This is what is going on.

I’m gonna toss a wrench in here. I’m going to be extremely submissive to a dom who is calm, confident, stoic. Just based on that alone. Someone classically attractive is probably more confident. So I would suggest that maybe it’s less about the looks and more about the swagger that is more likely to accompany them.

[De****]

19 minutes ago, FreeTheAsses said:

Honestly I don’t think so it’s more about that you wish to do as a person I’m a Dom and have subs mutiple even yet I choose how I wish to dominate them if they don’t like it they can go elsewhere I don’t exist to please the world sadly yet if they do tell me their kinks I’m willing to adapt and listen to them personally I don’t like harm at all but some wish for it regardless since that’s how they wish to be dominated I think it’s a balance like everything else in life. Just depends on what you want and how far ur willing to go for it.

It’s really simple man. I make it clear up front my expectations across the board, some things are negotiable and some things are not. If I can’t spit on your face, it ain’t gonna happen, simple as that. I agree with your post as well.

[gi****]

1 minute ago, DeviantMentals said:

The 50 year old out of shape dom is not more submissive…. He’s LESS dominant because he has to play his stack of cards differently. He may not even be less dominant per se…. But again, his cards must be played differently. I understand there are many bad ass older dude doms out there…. I am not speaking on those, im speaking on the ones who show up in the journal sections of the bdsm communities and put up there little white night stories so hopefully, ohhh hopefully a sub will want me today. This is what is going on.

So, I know you don't mean to, but this is insulting.  I am 56, fat, short, and certainly not conventionally attractive.  Reality is, I do really well.  I don't do well because I pander to submissives.  I do well because I work to create safety with them to explore masochism, ***, being a little, etc.  Maybe if I was conventionally attractive and tall I'd have the same attitude, I don't know.  I don't have those genetics.  But, I'm confident, understanding, comfortable in who I am, and don't have to prove anything to others.  

[De****]

19 minutes ago, DenverKitten said:

So I’m submissive cuz I’m not attractive?

It’s funny, the answer to your soft limits literally explains what I said.