Opening up dialogue - help

[Fa****]

Ok so I know, communication, communication, communication. Everything and anything is about communication but how does one actually communicate? How do you bring up “difficult” subjects or ask for what you know you need and want when there’s a fear of being too much or the person not being able to provide it?

I am a girl who not only likes but needs and craves and wants attention. I don’t mean in a sexual way (necessarily 😉). If we’re chatting and it feels there’s something developing I want your attention. I want you to want to say good morning and good night, I want you to want to check in throughout the day just “because”.

I’m not talking about this being necessary right at the beginning but when we’ve been communicating for more than a month and I’ve told you I LIKE you (and vice versa) then I want more.

Juxtapose to this I don’t want to appear needy and demanding. However, lack of attention makes me feel unwanted, unthought of and really affects me. It leads me to wonder if things would fizzle out if I didn’t contact you. It makes me try to hold out on contacting you (not as game play, although it may seem like that) to see if indeed you would ever contact me.

I hate to be the one always making the effort and initiating contact, I just don’t know how to ask for what I need without appearing difficult.

 I’m fully aware I’m a people pleaser, often to my own detriment, I don’t know how to be any other way. I like to keep the peace, I like people to be happy with me and maybe I don’t really feel I deserve more.

So, how do I open up this dialogue with someone without being overbearing?

Love,

X

[Th****]

I've been here. I have thoughts and advice but I'm not quite fully awake enough to put it all together just yet.

I will return later after more coffee. 😴☕️☕️

[Tr****]

Saying something simple like, I really like how you make me feel when I receive a good morning or good night message from you. Or I love how you check in with me throughout the day, it makes me smile. (Or any other combination) Can you continue to do that for me? And if they can’t and it’s something you need, then maybe they aren’t the right person for you. You’re not demanding, you’re simply asking for something you like from the relationship. Dating in 2023 has become so complicated when really it shouldn’t be.

[DH****]

Hi miss destiny
The only way you get what you desire is by asking and bringing it up,then at least you’ll know if your going to get what you crave ,if the other person feels something for you,they should be happy to attend to you need for attention in a non sexual way
And in a sexual way
They should feel good about making you feel good surely
And respect,trust and affection are surely the cornerstones of any relationship all be it purely sexual or a "proper as such “ relationship
So my thoughts would be , tell them what you desire to be happy ,it’s not needy it’s necessary
Regards Derek x

[Ve****]

Listen, if you’re going to be on this earth and have any sort of happiness you got to stop being afraid to take up space. And, of course you want the attention of whomever you are playing with or speaking to. We all do. That’s normal. Don’t be giving away all your goodies to anyone who is not meeting your spoken needs. As the relationship evolves the hope is that more and more if our needs will be met as we also hopefully meet more more of their needs. But if they aren’t being met or your person doesn’t know about the needs you HAVE to be willing to face any discomfort to speak about it. I suspect there will be times that the discomfort is your gut telling you this isn’t the right person to approach this with or it’s not the right time. And that’s ok. Just never let fear be your motivating factor when making decisions. And you def should trust your gut. It takes practice, a few mistakes, and willingness to learn from those mistakes.

[Deleted Member]

My current partner is pretty much identical to you in her desire for attention. I’m not much of a texter but I’ve made the adjustment for her because I know she appreciates it, and it’s the least I can do for a partner who is so eager to please me on any way she can.

In return, I expect some understanding that on some days or weeks I might be quite busy, stressed, or my mind occupied in a way that I’ll be less responsive. My responsibility is to communicate this to alleviate any fears of abandonment or inadequacy, her responsibility is to be compassionate and do her best for me when we do have time for each other. I make a personal note to shower her in attention and praise when I’m able to, and really try to not go longer than a week without this connection.

I don’t think these are unreasonable standards to ask of a Dom partner, and it’s just normal relationship stuff to me. Cliche answer, but ‘talk it out’.

Within dynamic, I’ll tease her for her neediness and aches, overwhelm her with ‘attention’, or take advantage of her desire for closeness by having her serve me in a variety of ways when we have a free day together.

I will say that I’d be upset to learn a partner was ‘playing games’ by testing my responsiveness and letting that affect their devotion. If you’re asking me to be regularly checking in because you need it, then when I see you’re not engaging my assumption would be that *you* have lost interest and no longer want my attention. You are sabotaging a situation that will often just be caused by someone not being in the headspace to chat right now.

[Na****]

I find the ‘communicate’ guidance very oversimplified.
Though I don’t agree w everything in it, the book non-violent communication can be helpful for starting to clarify yourself to yourself.
Beyond this, you can also look at your inheritance. Did either or both parents struggle with communication? Did you feel supported to communicate with either or both parents?
All this influences our current relationships.
Good luck

[Rh****]

Just here to say “Same girl!” I need it and want it too…it’s like I wrote this post myself!

[Deleted Member]

As someone who has suffered from that same continuous thought, my advice is go for it. The phrase there are plenty of fish in the sea doesn’t just refer to “you have options”. It’s a lot deeper than that. From my experience, the best way to open up the dialogue of needs and wants is an upfront one. Let them know that you would like to discuss something with them. Let them know that it’s important because your wants and need ARE important. Don’t approach them in a way that makes it seem like your calling them out but also don’t be so scared when you do. Every partner loves the feeling of knowing you can be comfortable and upfront with them. Have this conversation in a peaceful and quiet environment that you are both comfortable in. Try starting off with something along the line of “I just wanted to let know how I’ve been feeling lately….” And then go straight into it. Beating around the bush tends to ruin the leaves if you know what I mean. If this person is not happy with the fact that you are asking for something as basic as attention…then I suggest you look for other fish. You’ll find similar but different. Always be upfront about stuff like this, because it’s important and every partner should be valued. Even doms need their subs to be upfront and assertive sometimes. Just take a breath and do it love, I mean what’s the worse he can do? Say no ?

[Lsmart938]

I get it ! I understand what you mean and if I’m into someone I do just what you’re asking because I want to show I’m there and I want to be part of your day (that’s not an advert to say f*ck I’m brill !! 🤣)

Mobile phones. Emails. Texts. WhatsApp telegram…. Whatever .. there are so many ways in which we CAN communicate but it’s HOW we choose to communicate.

Technically speaking, the mobile technology we have should be great for what you’re asking .. a quick message on the morning, a touch in throughout the day or a short evening chat or a simple good night .. but I also think it’s promoted a concept of “I’m available / you’re available “ (meaning just a quick message away..) so I don’t need to message .. but I can if I need something.

But it’s not all about needing something .. it’s about giving something. Showing thought and keeping the communication open beyond the times when it’s ‘need’.

Maybe the different fetishes will lead to different responses but at the end of the day it’s all built on communication and trust.

Finally…. talking of communication …can somebody friend me or message me back ffs !!’ 🤣🤣🤣

[GreyWolf71]

Just adding my 2p worth...

 

For me, communication IS important...that special little message that unexpectedly appears certainly warms my heart... and I myself try to either start and/or end the day first. 

 

That being said,  my life can be so ad hoc at home it can seem like I'm ignoring someone.  I would certainly never do that,  it's rude and against my principles.

 

But....

 

During the day,  I work in an environment where even the sight of a phone can result in dismissal,  so it's usually breaks and lunch.... I do try to communicate this prior to any kind of thing between me and whomever....  

 

Conversely,  if I don't get a message,  I accept "stuff "  may be going on...as long as I  get a response in a timely manner,  I take it as read.. but if it happens too frequently,  or for very long periods...I start to wonder if the feelings are mutual. 

 

That's when I ask the blunt question for reassurance "are things OK?"  And will culminate in "is this working for you? "

 

I don't want to waste their time or mine or cause grief further on....

 

Just an insight into the mechanics of my busted brain lol

[Do****]

A lot of good advice given, this may not be so welcome. Don't be a player in somebody else's game. Organise your own event, set the rules, officiate and be the PRIZE. If the winner is not a worthy holder, start again until you find a true champion.

[Fa****]

7 hours ago, AnAlterEgo1 said:

My current partner is pretty much identical to you in her desire for attention. I’m not much of a texter but I’ve made the adjustment for her because I know she appreciates it, and it’s the least I can do for a partner who is so eager to please me on any way she can.

In return, I expect some understanding that on some days or weeks I might be quite busy, stressed, or my mind occupied in a way that I’ll be less responsive. My responsibility is to communicate this to alleviate any fears of abandonment or inadequacy, her responsibility is to be compassionate and do her best for me when we do have time for each other. I make a personal note to shower her in attention and praise when I’m able to, and really try to not go longer than a week without this connection.

I don’t think these are unreasonable standards to ask of a Dom partner, and it’s just normal relationship stuff to me. Cliche answer, but ‘talk it out’.

Within dynamic, I’ll tease her for her neediness and aches, overwhelm her with ‘attention’, or take advantage of her desire for closeness by having her serve me in a variety of ways when we have a free day together.

I will say that I’d be upset to learn a partner was ‘playing games’ by testing my responsiveness and letting that affect their devotion. If you’re asking me to be regularly checking in because you need it, then when I see you’re not engaging my assumption would be that *you* have lost interest and no longer want my attention. You are sabotaging a situation that will often just be caused by someone not being in the headspace to chat right now.

This. Was exactly what I wanted and needed to read. Thank you. 

[Fa****]

5 hours ago, Melancholy_princess said:

As someone who has suffered from that same continuous thought, my advice is go for it. The phrase there are plenty of fish in the sea doesn’t just refer to “you have options”. It’s a lot deeper than that. From my experience, the best way to open up the dialogue of needs and wants is an upfront one. Let them know that you would like to discuss something with them. Let them know that it’s important because your wants and need ARE important. Don’t approach them in a way that makes it seem like your calling them out but also don’t be so scared when you do. Every partner loves the feeling of knowing you can be comfortable and upfront with them. Have this conversation in a peaceful and quiet environment that you are both comfortable in. Try starting off with something along the line of “I just wanted to let know how I’ve been feeling lately….” And then go straight into it. Beating around the bush tends to ruin the leaves if you know what I mean. If this person is not happy with the fact that you are asking for something as basic as attention…then I suggest you look for other fish. You’ll find similar but different. Always be upfront about stuff like this, because it’s important and every partner should be valued. Even doms need their subs to be upfront and assertive sometimes. Just take a breath and do it love, I mean what’s the worse he can do? Say no ?

I think I may have a little bit of a fan girl crush on you right now. Can you be my life coach? 😂 x

Edited November 16 by FatefulDestiny
Spelling

[Fa****]

4 hours ago, Lsmart938 said:

I get it ! I understand what you mean and if I’m into someone I do just what you’re asking because I want to show I’m there and I want to be part of your day (that’s not an advert to say f*ck I’m brill !! 🤣)

Mobile phones. Emails. Texts. WhatsApp telegram…. Whatever .. there are so many ways in which we CAN communicate but it’s HOW we choose to communicate.

Technically speaking, the mobile technology we have should be great for what you’re asking .. a quick message on the morning, a touch in throughout the day or a short evening chat or a simple good night .. but I also think it’s promoted a concept of “I’m available / you’re available “ (meaning just a quick message away..) so I don’t need to message .. but I can if I need something.

But it’s not all about needing something .. it’s about giving something. Showing thought and keeping the communication open beyond the times when it’s ‘need’.

Maybe the different fetishes will lead to different responses but at the end of the day it’s all built on communication and trust.

Finally…. talking of communication …can somebody friend me or message me back ffs !!’ 🤣🤣🤣

Yes. Exactly this. 

[Fa****]

2 hours ago, DopeyDom said:

A lot of good advice given, this may not be so welcome. Don't be a player in somebody else's game. Organise your own event, set the rules, officiate and be the PRIZE. If the winner is not a worthy holder, start again until you find a true champion.

This is interesting. Thank you

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, FatefulDestiny said:

I think I may have a little bit of a fan girl crush on you right now. Can you be my life coach? 😂 x

lol I’m open for it 😂 but seriously love. Never tell yourself you deserve less. A true dom or a true lover will know that a sub, a little, or a pet is to be cherished and love in every way even if they aren’t exclusively yours. As someone who lives In the best of both worlds, I can assure you that doms also need teaching. Because the truth of the matter is; Subs, littles, and brats are the true rulers of our relationships. We as doms/domme are simply the ones they choose to vulnerable to. I’ve seen it from both perspectives. I’ve also trained doms and subs of all kinds so I know lol. On a side note, thank you baby. Your comment really warmed my heart.

[Lsmart938]

Some great replies on this post !
 

Love that folks are coming from their own angles but are still thoughtful, genuine and passionate in their replies!  
 

From the outside view, people with fetishes are kinky .. and dirty minded .. but this is heartwarming stuff here ! The sense of support,  respect and care for everyone from the mega-doms to the slaves is something I’m proud  to be part of - I’ve never seen anything this on a “normal” dating site !!! 
 

@FatefulDestiny - you stirred something up girl ! 🤣 I’m getting key messages of:-

- If it’s important to you then it matters 

- If it matters then be open 

- key word .. communication 

- think about how you introduce it but don’t avoid or beat around the bush (no pun intended 🤣)

- understand there may be some compromise if circumstances dictate (communicate this in advance) 

- be prepared to say if it’s not enough / not working 

- if it matters and you’re  not getting what you need ..be prepared to walk away ..  there’s someone out there who is better suited 

Im looking forward to the next reply that either adds another key point … or turns it all on its head !! Respect either way ! 🤣

[lo****]

I have, and still struggle with this a bit.

The feeling safe enough to say "I need x from you in this relationship/dynamic."

The people pleasing, and putting other's needs above mine is.. such an ingrained thing. I have really, really worked to get to the point I am at, and I DO open up and ask for WAY more now than I used to.(When I basically would take any crumbs and be "glad" for it.)

Tbh, getting into kink and having had a few relationships with Dom's who deserved my trust and submission helped a LOT. They were able to learn my reactions well enough to know when something was bothering me, or I was uncomfortable for some reason, then they would spend the time to gently draw it out of me. I would say the GOOD D/S dynamics I have been in are the ones that grew my confidence in myself enough to be able to even admit to them, and myself, that I have/had needs that weren't being met.

It HAS taken years of work on myself as well. I don't think there is a quick or even easy fix for this, because I well know the almost feeling of panic when it comes to asking for something for yourself that can happen sometimes.

[MasterDarcy1979]

When I begin chatting to someone I make it crystal clear that transparency is one of the most important factors in a dynamic.

I enforce complete and total honesty

If a person is reluctant to open up then they can't trust the other person.

[Fa****]

9 hours ago, MasterDarcy1979 said:

When I begin chatting to someone I make it crystal clear that transparency is one of the most important factors in a dynamic.

I enforce complete and total honesty

If a person is reluctant to open up then they can't trust the other person.

I’m not quite convinced I agree with this. I see your point entirely and I understand the importance of honesty. However, an inability to ask for what one needs is about more than the ability to be honest. It is ingrained in many people that their needs are unimportant and there are many other factors at play. Further, a reluctance to open up doesn’t (necessarily) make someone untrustworthy as a sole factor - again, it’s more complicated than that. 

[lo****]

30 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

I’m not quite convinced I agree with this. I see your point entirely and I understand the importance of honesty. However, an inability to ask for what one needs is about more than the ability to be honest. It is ingrained in many people that their needs are unimportant and there are many other factors at play. Further, a reluctance to open up doesn’t (necessarily) make someone untrustworthy as a sole factor - again, it’s more complicated than that. 

I completely agree. For someone to open up, they need to trust YOU to be a safe place to do so, and if you expect it from the start I would seriously be running. Because that's how a LOT of abusive relationships start.

[Do****]

Setting expectations isn't the same as opening up.

[KY****]

AGREED!!

[Andrew-7028]

I understand you don't want to speak out what you want. But the truth is that no one can know your needs. A couple married for a long time can't do this either. Take it slow, just try to tell your partner what you want, and then tell him that you want him more proactive because you're eager to get his attention. If he loves you, he will be willing to do it as you said.