Dating with disabilities.

[Ju****]

*This is not a disability fetishising post.*

 

Do many people on here have disabilities? 

I mean of the physical kind as a lot of people do have mental health struggles.. but physical capabilities.. 

 

Does it put you off? By that i mean, does it put you off approaching or dating someone with a disability? If so why?

 

If you have a disability,  do you feel that people are put off from dating or approaching,  simply based off your physical appearance?

 

I ask due to the fact I did get a lot of attention from men and women when I was fully able bodied. 

Lately I have spinal and leg issues where I struggle to stand up right most of the time and rely on one crutch at all times to move about, especially when I am out (the rare occasion now).

 

But since, I have noticed,  people see me out and about, be it in *** by expression or leaning on/using my crutch,  the interest has massively dwindled.

Infact people tip toe around me, offer me their seat, apologise if they walk in front of me, or whatever else.

No one approaches me out of interest even if I am looking my best. 

It is so disheartening as I have been seeking a lady for dating and company,  for myself and and partner and once people know I have an aid to use, the communication dies off and I feel absolutely rotten about it.

Friends and family still bother with me and my social circle are very good and accepting but for dating or romance... I am tired of the wide berth people give me. 

Or they approach my partner alone and don't even see me, I am not even a thought. 

It's not me feeling jealous or woe is me throwing a tantrum because I used to get attention, but more a frustration and upset that I am still Me. But my crutch just makes people run away. 

I don't understand it. Just one of life's things I guess. 

 

How would others see or react to this situation either for avoiding or approaching a disabled person, or someone who is disabled...what's your experience? ❤

[Deleted Member]

I have mental health disability and when I tell people they don't want to know I have lost some friends because of it I cant find a date or love as I been humiliated on dates a few times because of it people have shunned me talked different to me which makes me feel isolated and unloved not a good feeeling xxxxxxxxx

[DaddyDom-4686]

I had a play partner for several years who was completely wheelchair bound. No use of her legs whatsoever. I was made aware of this from the offset and it never deterred me at any point. You just have to adapt 😊

[legacy_rising]

My daughter writes a blog about this. To be honest I've never read as I like to keepcertain parts of our lives, seperate. But here's the link, I hope you find it useful

tenshadesandme*

Edited December 4, 2023 by FETMOD-TF
*External link removed

[Sandholme63]

I was always told that being upfront and honest is the best way forward, however telling people the truth always has the same affect.
You see if I lie from the beginning and then tell my (hopefully) female dominant at a later stage the truth it's fundamentally the same result.
I'm Raymond a retired single mature sub who has been a submissive since 98, i have served five full-time mistresses and a lot of very kinky women since.
Two of those mistresses and a few kinky women have been since being diagnosed in 2002 with.
Heart arythmia condition
*** thinners
Type two diabetes
Kidney disease
Sleep apnea
Asthma (all my life)
Developing Ostia arthritis
Progressing essential tremor
High *** pressure
You see I've had two full time mistresses and a lot of very kinky women since.
However since the pandemic everyone seems to avoid me.
I'm still searching
I'm still a submissive

[sh****]

I would probably feel intimidated unledss the girl was very outgoing and let me know she wants me to approach her. Something feels inappropriate or impolite to approach someone handicapped. I know it's dumb but that's how my brain defaults to thinking

[VexDA]

I was with a woman who was disabled due to ***, she was also obese. When I started dating her she wanted to be active with me, but between her weight and ***, she ultimately could not keep up the pace. I set a lower and easier pace of things to help her be involved with my activities (when not solo).

Eventually, she asked me to do less. I abided out of feelings of guilt and sadness, I admit she tried hard, and maybe that's why I slowed my pace down and changed my activity levels (and activities). It wasn't long before she was not doing anything, even the things she asked for. This resulted in a me feeling unfulfilled and unhappy. It was my choice to change but it was her request that prompted those choices.

This ultimately impacted us. When I went back to doing things solo, I was met with her sadness (and other insecurities) for her inability to participate. This ultimately created issues. I made choices out of love, it wasn't my fault nor my requirement to change my life. If my being present wasn't enough while still trying to maintain my lifestyle it should not have been put on me as the cause of her angst.

This made me realize that there needs to be a common ground as well as emotional intelligence with the person I intend to be involved with beyond the BDSM lifestyle. So while I haven't met anyone with a disability yet, I am selective on who I talk to because I would like to either share my activities with someone or not have those activities used against me because they cannot participate.

I think, 1) People do not want to leave you out of their lifestyle, 2) People do not want to be put in a position of choosing you over something else they love and enjoy, 3) People think you cannot handle the activities with in the lifestyle.

With that said... There is a saying "A Closed Mouth Never Gets Fed"... if you don't speak to someone because they haven't approached you, they'll never know what you're capable of.

[Ca****]

I think you look great

[sh****]

What it is not one is intended . I have fribomlga . Plus two bulging discs .

[sh****]

Do

[Ar****]

I'm honestly not sure - I'm great at reading the room when it comes to connections/interest between other people, but have always been terrible when it comes to myself. 

I know I used to get a lot of attention when I was DJing. I never saw it at the time though, that's only something I've recognised retrospectively as back then my self-confidence/esteem was so low I just assumed that any interest shown me in the clubs was because girls were wanting to get a song they'd requested played 🤦‍♂️ However I still suspect that had more to do with me being the DJ than anything else.

I would say that I tend to get fewer interactions online - not as many people reaching out with a first message of interest to me or responding to a first message of mine - the more information I put about my disability in a profile, especially if I mention that I sometimes use a walking aid.

Out and about in the real world I've had mixed reactions. I've found the people who offer me their seat are almost as evenly matched by the types who will muscle ahead of me boarding a train and have even been near as dammit pushed over whilst leaning on the rail at the front of a gig by latecomers who felt entitled to push in.

People have still shown an interest in dating/playing with me, and I'm sure that yes the interest level is not as high as it would be if I were fully able-bodied and mobile all of the time. It's been quite some time now since I've dated or made a new kinky connection. Shame really, as I have a hell of a lot more to offer now than I did when I was that awkward DJ twenty years ago, or even than before I got "ill".

Just keep this in mind Jen... all the ones where they don't approach you or communication dies off, they were never right for you to begin with. When the right lady comes along - and they will - you'll know why it didn't click with anyone else, because that one right person who sees and appreciates the whole of you for everything you are is worth more than a thousand others who don't.

[legacy_rising]

I quit D/s for over 14 yeats because my husband was ill and could not participate😭

 

 

 

[Ju****]

1 hour ago, Stephh22 said:

I have mental health disability and when I tell people they don't want to know I have lost some friends because of it I cant find a date or love as I been humiliated on dates a few times because of it people have shunned me talked different to me which makes me feel isolated and unloved not a good feeeling xxxxxxxxx

I've my mental health problems but I keep them close to myself 

it would be even more disheartening to get to a stage where u find your person and they run due to mental health. 

I can't even get that close cus they see me right off and run 😔

[Ju****]

1 hour ago, DaddyDom-4686 said:

I had a play partner for several years who was completely wheelchair bound. No use of her legs whatsoever. I was made aware of this from the offset and it never deterred me at any point. You just have to adapt 😊

Hats off to you. Not many would it seems, and i have mobility just very reduced and i find it exceptionally hard

 

1 hour ago, legacy_rising said:

My daughter writes a blog about this. To be honest I've never read as I like to keepcertain parts of our lives, seperate. But here's the link, I hope you find it useful

tenshadesandme*

Thank you. 😊

 

1 hour ago, shaneclipse said:

I would probably feel intimidated unledss the girl was very outgoing and let me know she wants me to approach her. Something feels inappropriate or impolite to approach someone handicapped. I know it's dumb but that's how my brain defaults to thinking

This is interesting. 

Why intimidated? I mean a handicapped person is still a person. Its different if someone is severely limited mentally, then I would perhaps feel like I was doing soemthing wrong, second guessing things like their consent or boundaries depending on how severe the MH is... but physically someone of sound mind, so to speak (no disrespect intended) it's all aesthetic I feel sometimes :( 

[Ju****]

I don't want to tag everyone who responded or il clog the thread haha. 

 

But I am speaking solely on terms of dating. 

I am not someone who participates in the D/s lifestyle, but i can imagine kink driven dynamics would be hard with limited physically. 

And as a gent said above, that person they dated had physical and mental conditions that limited play and crested issues as they tried to adapt but got left out of their own desired lifestyle. 

I understand this can be a serious thing for some.

 

 

Even for me, sex is distracting. I can do it but my partner knows to be gentle with me and where. If i straddle him it's minutes until my leg and hip start to have a shit fit and *** gets too much I've to stop. If he's on top my leg has to be pinned to the most stupid places to ease ***. 

It gets me down. But we manage it. 

Our kinky play has been halted due to my conditions but doesn't mean I am fully unable. 

But for a new relationship with a lady perhaps, I feel they will not give me a second glance once they see the crutch. Or can't imagine being intimate with me because of the crutch.

Bit of a sad reality for me. But I just hope people can in time see past my aid and see me as a person who desires that intimacy and will want to work with me than avoid me..

[Ju****]

46 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

I'm honestly not sure - I'm great at reading the room when it comes to connections/interest between other people, but have always been terrible when it comes to myself. 

I know I used to get a lot of attention when I was DJing. I never saw it at the time though, that's only something I've recognised retrospectively as back then my self-confidence/esteem was so low I just assumed that any interest shown me in the clubs was because girls were wanting to get a song they'd requested played 🤦‍♂️ However I still suspect that had more to do with me being the DJ than anything else.

I would say that I tend to get fewer interactions online - not as many people reaching out with a first message of interest to me or responding to a first message of mine - the more information I put about my disability in a profile, especially if I mention that I sometimes use a walking aid.

Out and about in the real world I've had mixed reactions. I've found the people who offer me their seat are almost as evenly matched by the types who will muscle ahead of me boarding a train and have even been near as dammit pushed over whilst leaning on the rail at the front of a gig by latecomers who felt entitled to push in.

People have still shown an interest in dating/playing with me, and I'm sure that yes the interest level is not as high as it would be if I were fully able-bodied and mobile all of the time. It's been quite some time now since I've dated or made a new kinky connection. Shame really, as I have a hell of a lot more to offer now than I did when I was that awkward DJ twenty years ago, or even than before I got "ill".

Just keep this in mind Jen... all the ones where they don't approach you or communication dies off, they were never right for you to begin with. When the right lady comes along - and they will - you'll know why it didn't click with anyone else, because that one right person who sees and appreciates the whole of you for everything you are is worth more than a thousand others who don't.

Yeh I get this. I think you had your cane at bbb when we met? I am unsure if I was with my crutch at that time. 

I do find kinky people are a tad more accepting of disabilities such as a cane or whatever but a good lot think it'll be extra pressure and effort and ultimately decide against the attempt. 

So I've found.

And yes people either avoid me, or rush past me because I am slow. 

It's so frustrating to see people my age plow on through life and I'm clung to someone's arm to stay upright. 

Depends on the people around you I guess... 

And yeh perhaps on the dj aspect. 🤔 I don't know. 

People see me and compliment me and whatever else but when it comes down to knowledge of my crutch bam... gone. 

[GreyHogandBrat]

I've been disabled for 12 years. I'm not the "stud" I once was. Medications and fibromyalgia have made it difficult to be a social butterfly. Most of the time, I'm very outgoing and fun, but *** makes me want to be a sloth. I have no problem dating or garnering attention from others. I walk with a cane and haven't noticed much in the way of avoidance. I'm sure there are some shallow souls who look upon me with pity, but they aren't the type of people I want to spend my quality time with. Those who are caring souls will seek you out. Be patient.

[sardonicus87]

I have pseudo parkinsonism/neuroleptic-induced parkinsonism or whatever they call it now. Anyway, it's not Parkinson's Disease (not degenerative, etc). It's relatively mild. And if you want to count it as a physical disability, I also have delayed sleep phase disorder (severe).
.
Neither one is anything anyone would know unless I told them, and neither one would impact my ability to play. They do impact my ability to work though.
.
My main disability though is schizophrenia (prior medication for which caused the parkinsonism). This also doesn't affect my ability to play and isn't something people can tell by looking at me.
.
If my disabilities would be a hindrance in finding people to play with, I can't say, because nobody knows about them because I get literally no attention ever, except from scammers or people who are terminally online and over 1,000 miles away. Never get responses to messages, nothing. Though to be fair, there's only 6 women within 75 miles of me that have even logged-in within the last month and I am married. But the story was the same before I was married (my wife is the only person I ever met that gave me the time of day, let alone got to the point to even find out I am disabled).
.
However, in the vanilla world, they've kind of been a hindrance. I have no friends. I try to make friends, but the first question anyone asks is "what do you do?" and they mean for a living. The second they hear I don't work, they run as fast as they can from me. They don't even get to the point of knowing I am disabled.
.
It's lonely as shit, and there's so many indirect ways it can affect you and make people run before they even know you are. I've even many times seen online people suggest that disabled people (of any kind) should just only be friends with other disableds.

[sardonicus87]

But that said, I don't hide it, and I don't wear on my sleeve, but nobody even sees me as it is in any world, I am already left behind and forgotten, so why would I be open about it and give them even more reason to forget I exist?
.
That's why I don't put it out there up front. It's also why I don't put my work situation up front. Neither is relevant and people just make presumptions and run. I don't work, but I am not a bum and not broke, but to society, at least in America, if you're a man that doesn't work, you're automatically a PoS loser, no matter what the reason is, even when it's not relevant to something (like say, just being regular old friends in a regular old friendship).

[Deleted Member]

It may be wise to look beyond yourself as you being yourself whatever that means with your difficulties isn't the problem. Look at empathy. How expensive it is these days. How costly caring can be. It's often punished or ***d. It's hard to care It's hard to sit and listen and understand and learn how to interact with anyone because the world has decided caring is weakness and connecting is currency so hurting people are a bad social investment. Crisis will often trigger support but emergency response isn't your tribe. Everyone is over drawn. Not everyone is strong. Even the healthy can be weak. When we view ourselves as disabled even with the world's most invasive reminders... We forget... That we get one life. We get one chance to look at it all to see it feel it brush against our skin. Love light purpose truth... don't see people who don't see you don't give to voids don't plant seeds in dead earth. Don't water dead flowers. When you look inward and find your own light... Your own power and warmth and peace you will find your tribe is already there. Warming themselves just behind you. Reach out. Keep growing keep seeing keep your chin up too. Most of the world only looks down... few look up. Fewer still see themselves as the birds might... the rare see as the stars do 💙🦘💙 but don't trust me I'm an idiot major grain of salt. Probably not helpful XD love ya Jen Jen

[VikingSlug]

As a double leg amputee I have a pic of me in shorts on my dating profiles so women can see. Often they don't notice it and we match. If they don't mention it I will just to make sure they're aware as its not for everyone. 9 out of 10 times they just unmatch with no reply.

Like I said its not for everyone, we all have our preferences and things we don't like.

Is what it is

[sa****]

In my opinion I think it’s hard to find partners on dating apps for the most part. I feel invisible on this app and when I try to communicate my interests in a partner I get blocked or ignored.

[sardonicus87]

16 minutes ago, Roodboii13 said:

It may be wise to look beyond yourself as you being yourself whatever that means with your difficulties isn't the problem. Look at empathy. How expensive it is these days. How costly caring can be. It's often punished or ***d. It's hard to care It's hard to sit and listen and understand and learn how to interact with anyone because the world has decided caring is weakness and connecting is currency so hurting people are a bad social investment. Crisis will often trigger support but emergency response isn't your tribe. Everyone is over drawn. Not everyone is strong. Even the healthy can be weak. When we view ourselves as disabled even with the world's most invasive reminders... We forget... That we get one life. We get one chance to look at it all to see it feel it brush against our skin. Love light purpose truth... don't see people who don't see you don't give to voids don't plant seeds in dead earth. Don't water dead flowers. When you look inward and find your own light... Your own power and warmth and peace you will find your tribe is already there. Warming themselves just behind you. Reach out. Keep growing keep seeing keep your chin up too. Most of the world only looks down... few look up. Fewer still see themselves as the birds might... the rare see as the stars do 💙🦘💙 but don't trust me I'm an idiot major grain of salt. Probably not helpful XD love ya Jen Jen

Agreed, not helpful... but even worse than not helpful, it's dismissive af and very minimizing. Kind of comes off like like "ppl struggle, but you should hide it because it makes me too uncomfortable".

[kree90]

Just wanted to drop by and say you're beautiful and I am glad to be your friend!

[Deleted Member]

39 minutes ago, sardonicus87 said:

Agreed, not helpful... but even worse than not helpful, it's dismissive af and very minimizing. Kind of comes off like like "ppl struggle, but you should hide it because it makes me too uncomfortable".

Lol nah friend I struggle with it too, it's how I cope ☮💙 there was nothing diminishing or dismissive. I never said anything about my comfort. Im disabled as well.. nice hostility though very constructive.