Dating with disabilities.

[Ro****]

To clarify. It really helps me to feel safe discussing my disability with patient understandable types. What I said, was simply to suggest if the apparent rejection is uncomfortable it can be helpful to see that it has more to do with them than you. Being disabled does NOT make you unworthy. But most people. Especially selfish small people... will only see the surface and make a snap judgement because getting involved is well.... involved. And that it's not always wise to trauma bond to people who see you in a struggle and rush to aide. That peace always comes from within. And being near people you care about is always warmer... literally ended on encouragement and affection and will again. Keep going. You're worth it.

[Chloebear]

I have both physical and mental stuff. The physical can affect me similar to what you’re describing. I’d say what I’ve always said, anyone who seeks only in appearance isn’t worth your time. And I think it could be worth you taking some time to come to peace with your current physical limitations and their impact on your appearance, because you cannot change others, only your experience. It is what it is, and you don’t need to feel insecure as well as in ***… that’s been my upshot. I think people are moreso deterred because *** can make us behave differently. I personally look very different when in a lot of *** (the bad sort). The general affect of a condition might impact on how we interact and people are sometimes nervous they’ll say the wrong thing, so they say nothing or only offer sympathy. Essentially it’s a social barrier to break down, it takes a bit longer to get to know people properly, especially if you are affected in your head space and it’s a new thing. Just try to accept the person you are right now is just as worthwhile, and that the connections you make will likely be more genuine than people who only wanted you based on what you looked like.

[Chloebear]

Just saw that @roodboii13 said exactly the same 🤣 but yea :)

[Th****]

17 minutes ago, Roodboii13 said:

Lol nah friend I struggle with it too, it's how I cope ☮💙 there was nothing diminishing or dismissive. I never said anything about my comfort. Im disabled as well.. nice hostility though very constructive.

Diminishing and dismissive may not have been your intent, but the comment he responded to does read that way. His response is clipped but not hostile while your "I'm disabled as well... nice hostility" seems awfully defensive and a bit passive aggressive. 

Simply reading what you wrote again, with the mind of seeing how word choice and phrasing might appear to others then clarifying. 

15 minutes ago, Roodboii13 said:

To clarify. It really helps me to feel safe discussing my disability with patient understandable types. What I said, was simply to suggest if the apparent rejection is uncomfortable it can be helpful to see that it has more to do with them than you. Being disabled does NOT make you unworthy. But most people. Especially selfish small people... will only see the surface and make a snap judgement because getting involved is well.... involved. And that it's not always wise to trauma bond to people who see you in a struggle and rush to aide. That peace always comes from within. And being near people you care about is always warmer... literally ended on encouragement and affection and will again. Keep going. You're worth it.

This is better, but parts still feel a little ick and you just had to throw the PA snark in there again at the end. 

[Chloebear]

Ps I don’t think it’s minimising, it’s acceptance and learning where to focus energy when your energy is consumed by other stuff, like being in loads of *** :)

[Th****]

1 hour ago, sacramento664 said:

In my opinion I think it’s hard to find partners on dating apps for the most part. I feel invisible on this app and when I try to communicate my interests in a partner I get blocked or ignored.

A large part of that is likely that your profile is virtually blank. This thread isnt the place for that discussion but go through the forum posts and threads. There's been loads of discussion on how to improve profiles and tips for interaction here. 

[Ro****]

I do tend to get passive aggressive when some one uses quotes to refer to words that aren't mine when giving feedback about what I said. I will defend what I said against any suggestion that I hold a holier than thou view toward people who struggle with physical disability. Ain't perfect. Ain't prideful. Just trying to share 🤣☮

[Ar****]

2 hours ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

Yeh I get this. I think you had your cane at bbb when we met? I am unsure if I was with my crutch at that time.

I will have done yes, that was a long day 🙈 I'm pretty sure you didn't have your crutch then but can't remember 100%.

[gi****]

5 hours ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

*This is not a disability fetishising post.*

 

Do many people on here have disabilities? 

I mean of the physical kind as a lot of people do have mental health struggles.. but physical capabilities.. 

 

Does it put you off? By that i mean, does it put you off approaching or dating someone with a disability? If so why?

 

If you have a disability,  do you feel that people are put off from dating or approaching,  simply based off your physical appearance?

 

I ask due to the fact I did get a lot of attention from men and women when I was fully able bodied. 

Lately I have spinal and leg issues where I struggle to stand up right most of the time and rely on one crutch at all times to move about, especially when I am out (the rare occasion now).

 

But since, I have noticed,  people see me out and about, be it in *** by expression or leaning on/using my crutch,  the interest has massively dwindled.

Infact people tip toe around me, offer me their seat, apologise if they walk in front of me, or whatever else.

No one approaches me out of interest even if I am looking my best. 

It is so disheartening as I have been seeking a lady for dating and company,  for myself and and partner and once people know I have an aid to use, the communication dies off and I feel absolutely rotten about it.

Friends and family still bother with me and my social circle are very good and accepting but for dating or romance... I am tired of the wide berth people give me. 

Or they approach my partner alone and don't even see me, I am not even a thought. 

It's not me feeling jealous or woe is me throwing a tantrum because I used to get attention, but more a frustration and upset that I am still Me. But my crutch just makes people run away. 

I don't understand it. Just one of life's things I guess. 

 

How would others see or react to this situation either for avoiding or approaching a disabled person, or someone who is disabled...what's your experience? ❤

Thank you for starting this discussion.  I believe there is a subtle, and many times not so subtle, ableism in how we see others, including for dating.  Will I approach someone with a disability, yes I do, and have in the past.  Myself, I ask all partners if there is anything (either physically, mentally, or psychologically) that we need to consider when playing together.  Part of this is so that we can work together to provide the safest, most pleasant and pleasurable, time possible.  At the same time, I want to know their strengths, passions, desires, etc.  Part of what I hope to do is to see the individual for whole of who they are. Not dismissing or minimizing their disability, and, not presuming that what I see and perceive is the total of their identity. 

[BrownHairstreak]

I’ve often wondered about this. I have a pronounced limp and which I always let ladies know about up front. I think it does put some off which I can understand but does knock the confidence a little.

[CopperKnob]

I think, and I may be wrong, that there is a lot of uncertainty for some people when they come across another person with a visible disability. Almost like they're afraid of causing unintentional harm physically or emotionally, saying the wrong thing etc. When actually it's all about adapting to the situation. I once dated someone with a stoma, wouldn't have known about it if he hadn't have said and actually, it wasn't an issue, he made it a bigger deal than it really was and that was more to do with his own insecurities about it.
Additionally, society as a whole are entrenched with the medical model of disability, looking at the "problem" and feeling that it needs to be fixed as opposed to the social model where it's considered to be very much about the environment that, for want of a better phrase, holds someone back. Then there's the challenge that some people will identify as their disability/health condition (the sick role) whilst others will see it as nothing more than another challenge life throws at them. And so that becomes something else to overcome.
Yet again, it all comes down to communication and getting to know someone for who they are, looking past whatever health condition they may have and being creative in how it can be overcome if needs be.
In saying that, I don't mean to be dismissive of anything anyone's going through. Whilst I'm a big advocate of the social model of disability, we can't exclude the medical model fully else there'd be no such thing as symptom control or medical treatment.
I sometimes think though that having a condition which is visible prevents people from initiating contact and saves a whole lot of frustration (maybe) whereas most people wouldn't be aware that I have numerous ADHD traits. It's likely that people would only find me "odd" or "different" having had initial conversations with me given that I process information/respond to situations differently than the "norm" by which time I've become a little invested in the relationship romantic or otherwise.
I think that the upshot, like others have said, is this, people have their own expectations as to what they want from a relationship and will avoid anything that doesn't make them feel comfortable whether that's a disability or something else. Those people are not the right people for me.

[StrictMaster44]

I have a disability as can be seen in my photo and I feel that's why I hardly get messages from women 😞

[Ch****]

I had fibromyalgia before I meet my master. Said there was no way that we'd be anything but fwb. But we'd do kink as well.  That poor man of mine is awesome when it comes to fibromyalgia. He spent weeks learning about it an reading about it. Then told me he had his eyes wife open and he didn't care.

 

Then when I got diagnosed with trigerial manalger I actually told him it was over. It wasn't fair him having to deal with yet more health crap. He told me it was up to him to decide if he could deal with it or not.

I am his sub there's nothing more I like than serving him. But there are also times when he's had to bath an dress me. Get up in the middle of the night when I'm with him as my body as gone into spasms and I need meds. 

 

I also don't make enough serotonin so I'm on meds for my mental health. I have extremely bad ocd. Witch I take meds for as well.

 

And just to throw a new thing in the mix my body as now decided to not make b12  . So lots of years to see why not. Spent 3 weeks having b12  injectios. Was great I had so much energy. But now  in had to stop to see if my body will really start I have next to no energy.

 

Master doesn't care. We've spoken about it. We deal with things together. I'm often at his an need a nap. But we have things that work for us. Lots of vanilla cuddle time an audio books.

 

But if I'm feeling carp an want the bed to myself. I'll just go master I love you. But go play in the ps4 . He knows then that I need my space.

 

Somthing must be working as we've been together nearly 7 years.

 

Do I drive him insane of course I do. It's my job . Got to keep him in his toes

[Ga****]

Also disabled and don't hear from people on here the friends I have on here u brought me here know my kink an accepting me for who I am

[Deleted Member]

I have a life changing immune system illness (sarcoidosis), fms and also ptsd, depression and anxiety disorder + some other minor illnesses.

However, I still have fun and find my kink really helps with my wellbeing. It’s true that being disabled comes with stereotypes and assumptions others make… when someone looks at you because you’re lurching along on crutches (for example) I look at them back, right in their eyes and smile.

It can be difficult if you feel lonely, we’re always going to be different from others. Maybe we can find freedom in that? Who knows..

X

[Ch****]

If any one is after a friendly chat  no sexual content and platonic please drop me a chat

[Birble]

December 4, 2023, GreyHog said:

I've been disabled for 12 years. I'm not the "stud" I once was. Medications and fibromyalgia have made it difficult to be a social butterfly. Most of the time, I'm very outgoing and fun, but *** makes me want to be a sloth. I have no problem dating or garnering attention from others. I walk with a cane and haven't noticed much in the way of avoidance. I'm sure there are some shallow souls who look upon me with pity, but they aren't the type of people I want to spend my quality time with. Those who are caring souls will seek you out. Be patient.

Love the sentiment at the end of your comment 🤗

[YorkshireBiker]

My wife now has a form of disability that wasn’t present when we met, issues with childbirth led to her needing a full hip replacement which has really impacted what activities (in any part of life) we can partake in. These’re also limited range of movement , increased risk of *** and issues trying to get into, or maintain, a comfortable position.

[BadJokesNRopes]

On 12/4/2023 at 8:50 AM, Jeneral_Whore said:

I've my mental health problems but I keep them close to myself 

I also have been diagnosed with mental health problems due to my *** and work. I dont start off letting partners know i have them. but they do need to know sooner rather than later. Keep it in mind when you do find your person. 

  Ive got my own physical disabilities. Though sorta lucky because if you look at me you cant see it. But it's the big two, brain and spine. It makes dating harder for sure. More so because im on ltd so "no job" so that raises flags. And i would feel dirty mentioning that financially im probably set for life. Plus the *** lowers my tolerances for daily life.

It also makes things hard for my partner since they cant see my ***. I can look exactly the same as i did the day prior except now im dizzy af today or i cant use my neck today because im in too much ***.

 

HOWEVER! thanks to the brain *** i have memory problems and often forget how shit life is. Until i write it down somewhere like this. 

I made myself sad =)

[Je****]

53 minutes ago, BadJokesNRopes said:

I also have been diagnosed with mental health problems due to my *** and work. I dont start off letting partners know i have them. but they do need to know sooner rather than later. Keep it in mind when you do find your person. 

  Ive got my own physical disabilities. Though sorta lucky because if you look at me you cant see it. But it's the big two, brain and spine. It makes dating harder for sure. More so because im on ltd so "no job" so that raises flags. And i would feel dirty mentioning that financially im probably set for life. Plus the *** lowers my tolerances for daily life.

It also makes things hard for my partner since they cant see my ***. I can look exactly the same as i did the day prior except now im dizzy af today or i cant use my neck today because im in too much ***.

 

HOWEVER! thanks to the brain *** i have memory problems and often forget how shit life is. Until i write it down somewhere like this. 

I made myself sad =)

I'm lucky I have found my person from this site. Its almost 4yr together. 

Hes been my rock and physical and mental health, he helps through it all. 

Not many would be so kind and caring. I'm very lucky. 

 

Mines also spinal issues, so my mobility is next to nothing sometimes and it affects the mental health.

We are in an open relationship as we wish to experience 3 somes and all that kinda thing, it's this side of dating I worry about. 

It puts potential sexual/play partners off. :(