Molly's BDSM Tips | Is Dating a Cosplayer For Me?

This week, our resident kinky columnist Molly helps out one FET member decide on whether dating a cosplayer would be a dealbreaker for them or not. Find out what Molly says.

Dear Molly,
I met a girl online. We exchanged many messages and have been on a few dates, and it's all going well. However, recently, she told me she was into cosplay and showed me all her outfits. She has so many, lots of them superhero ones like Wonder Woman and Cat Woman but also things like nurse's outfits and police uniforms. She asked if I had any and seemed disappointed when I said no. She also asked if I would like to see her dressed up, and I said sure, but I also felt uncomfortable as I didn't know if I was meant to love the costumes or if this was a sexual thing for her. I'm not very good at roleplay. I find that acting and pretending makes me feel awkward. I like this girl, and she seems to like me, but I'm worried she'll think I am boring because I'm not into this. What do you think I should do?
Shy One

Dear Shy One,
How lovely to have met someone - that's a beautiful thing, and my concise answer to your question is to stop worrying so much and embrace it! Worrying can come across to someone who doesn’t know you well as a lack of enthusiasm or disinterest, which could be fatal at this early stage.

What is cosplay?

Cosplay is basically a shortening of Costume Play and encompasses a vast spectrum of people (cosplayers) who like to dress up in all sorts of costumes and outfits. Often that's characters from movies and books but also includes anime, steampunk, and historical characters as well as things like nurses, police, prisoners, school uniforms, and other uniform-type characters.

Is cosplay a kink?

For many people in the cosplay community, it's solely about dressing up and sometimes the roleplay rather than sex or fetish aspect. Still, for others, there is definitely a crossover.

The cosplay community is extensive and varied, but events like Comic-Con take place worldwide, attracting thousands of people into some sort of cosplay. Often it's about friendship and community, but that can involve aspects of kink and BDSM, too. Like all things kink and sex-related, the best way to find out how something works for someone is to ask them.

Is their cosplay a kink for you?

This is probably not the question to start with, as the chances of it making her uncomfortable are pretty high. The question is: how would you go about exploring any aspect of kink or sex with a new partner? Take your time; create an environment where someone feels safe to share the things they like. When she showed you her collection of costumes, that was an excellent time to show interest and enthusiasm. Rather than worrying about what it might mean for you, explore with her what it means for her.

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It is not too late, though. It would help if you asked to see her again and say that you're interested in learning more about it. If she had shown you that she loved to bake or her knitting collection, I predict that you wouldn't have immediately assumed this meant anything more than her wanting you to know her better, so try to approach it like that. Be curious and engaged, and let her share this part of herself with you - with no expectations on your part aside from wanting to learn more about this person that you like.

Be open to new things

One of the exciting things about meeting a new person is the potential for new things in your life, not just the person but the things they bring with them - this is no different. I understand you feel nervous about roleplay and feel like it's not your thing, and that's OK.

You may be right, and it isn't something that works for you but being open to at least learning how it works for the other person and maybe exploring the cosplay community with them a little to see if you can find aspects of it that do work for you are all part of being in a relationship with someone. Trying and experimenting with new things is how we learn about ourselves - and find new joys in our life.

What if I don't like cosplay?

That's OK too, as long as you don't make the other people feel bad for liking it. It's perfectly acceptable to appreciate and enjoy different things as long as there are enough things that bring you together. Maybe cosplay or being involved in the cosplay community won't be for you, perhaps it will. The only way is to find out. You'll learn and discover new things about yourself, each other, and all that will bring you closer.

The bottom line is to try and be open-minded and not rule anything out. Who knows, with the right person, you might find you can enjoy roleplay and cosplay, and if you don't, that is OK, too, as you can still enjoy the fact that your partner likes it.
Good luck!
Molly x