Toxic people in BDSM

[Master6]

In Bdsm you meet some extraordinary people. In particular, I have infinite admiration and tenderness for the wonderful submissives I've met. I've also met Dominants and Masters who were men of rare humanity. But let's not forget that domination is a power game. For some, Masters or submissives, it's not a game, but a need to control, manipulate and use their partner with total disregard for humanity. And to make their partner their plaything, they start with seduction, then manipulation and end with destructive physical and psychological ***.

Prevention is cure, as the saying goes.

My hope is that my writings will raise awareness and help these wonderful submissives avoid the infernal, destructive cycle of ***.

Depending on the partner, Bdsm can be a divine sexual game that multiplies enjoyment, increases it exponentially and enables the attainment of an absolute bliss called Subspace in a consensual manner and in harmony with the partner. The aim of this site is to achieve this result.
For others, it's a way of satisfying their instincts, sadism, domination and manipulation to the detriment of the other. The aim of this site is to explore ways of avoiding such partners.

For the sake of convenience, I'll call TOXIC people DOMINANTS, MASTERS OR SUBMISES who harm their partners by abusing, manipulating or violating them...

1.The secrecy of BDSM practices encourages ***.

BDSM is almost always a "secret" relationship. Sulphurous, poorly accepted, poorly perceived and poorly understood by society, BDSM is often practiced in secret. As a result, the victim is isolated and unable to seek help from friends, therapists or doctors. The victim will be afraid to ask for help, as it means having to explain the nature of the relationship to people who will judge and perhaps misunderstand her. ***rs know this and take advantage of it.

2.The narcissistic pervert:
A narcissistic pervert is a person who has a devaluing self-image and who enhances his or her self-worth by putting others down. He or she gives the appearance of being superior to others, and feels an exacerbated need to be admired. He or she manipulates those close to him or her and feels no guilt when hurting others.

The narcissistic pervert is the most dangerous of all manipulators. It is estimated that 10% of the population are affected to varying degrees, and 3% are even more dangerous because they are unaware of their condition and are convinced they are acting for the good of others. Worse still, some are sadists who take pleasure in making others suffer!

The narcissistic pervert tries to create a relationship of intimacy with the other person in order to attack their narcissistic integrity. He destroys the other person's confidence and self-esteem in order to create a bond of dependence on him. In his manipulation, he makes his victim believe that it is she who is dependent on him, when in fact the opposite is true.
Narcissistic disorders
The narcissistic pervert has an insatiable need for recognition and admiration.

Perversion
He wants to satisfy his desires and needs by using others to satisfy them. His partner is an object.

To achieve this, he creates a strong bond with his partner, gradually destroying his self-confidence and self-esteem, and creating a bond of dependence between the other person and him. Manipulation consists in making the victim believe that the bond of dependence is theirs, not theirs.

The narcissistic pervert is often sympathetic, charming and seductive. He moves forward masked, and is difficult to recognize. It's hard for the victim to realize what's going on. It usually takes time for the victim to understand and realize the trap they've fallen into. The damage is already done, and the after-effects can be long-lasting.

 A destructive Prince Charming
He can look like Prince Charming. A chameleon of a man, he'll be able to guess you and show himself to be seductive, romantic, sympathetic, kind, attentive, available... he'll exert a certain fascination over you. He can be cultured, intelligent and self-confident. He's reassuring, but his deeper nature will show through and he'll tend to stir up trouble and conflict... when he's upset, he'll reveal his nature as a demanding, intransigent and temperamental dictator.
Little by little, he'll develop his hold on you, by valorizing himself and putting you down.

His weapons of destruction are criticism, *** and making you feel guilty. He can insult, threaten, blackmail and resort to physical ***.

If you play his game, you'll lose your self-esteem, your self-confidence, feel dirty, inferior, mediocre and your inner joy will disappear and be replaced by deep distress. It will isolate you, make you lose your friends, even your savings, your health...

He destroys you slowly, and takes his pleasure in it!

 How do you recognize a narcissistic pervert?
Here are some of the character traits of a narcissistic pervert. While these traits can be found in Dominants with strong egos, they can also be found in many submissives who manage to destroy their Dominant. They can also be found in manipulators. In all cases, beware!

In this list of behaviors, you'll find attitudes of BDSM dominants that are, of course, unacceptable! They call it "psychological BDSM". It's anything but!

The narcissistic pervert seeks to provoke feelings of guilt in his victim, in order to destroy the victim's self-image! For example, the continual reminder of a past mistake, by systematically putting you down, is a classic form of manipulation. The aim is to deprive the victim of self-assurance and self-confidence.

He creates confusion with contradictory messages, blowing hot and cold. He subtly alternates a compliment and a criticism, a threat and a forgiveness, *** and acts of love... sowing confusion and making the victim feel guilty. He takes pleasure in creating this confusion.
He warns his future victim with phrases like, I'm not good enough for you... if he's aware of his condition, which isn't always the case.
He needs to please, to seduce, to shine in front of others. He'll surround himself with people who admire him. He uses compliments to create a bond.
Once the bond has been created, he will devalue his victim, humiliate him, denigrate him to weaken him.
He uses lies to achieve his ends
To justify his behavior, he reverses roles and positions himself as the victim. He makes his victims feel so guilty that they end up apologizing for faults they didn't commit!
He manipulates and isolates his victims, turning those around him against them.
He has no empathy, but can feign it. He has no remorse, he makes no sincere apology, he is not aware of the harm he is doing, because he has no feelings.
For him, causing moral and physical *** is a pleasure in its own right. He's a sadist.
When he's upset, sometimes for no reason at all, he gets angry. Anger can be raging and uncontrollable.

A few warning signs:
There's always a euphoric phase when he's perfect, the real Prince Charming, then little by little :

He vamps you, robs you of your energy, eats you up.
He's never satisfied and always wants more.
He isolates you, weakens you, makes you feel guilty, uses lies, ***, denigration...
In public, he's brilliant and gentle... and the opposite in private.
He's jealous of your happiness, your friends... and doesn't like it when the other person is happy, so he'll break their joy.
Manipulative, he'll stay on the edge and apologize out of strategy.

Have you ever been in contact with this kind of person??????

[Cu****]

One of my offspring has a partner exactly as you describe, right down to the contrasts you mention in your summarising, with devastating consequences, for her. But this relationship is just in everyday life, with no sexual undertones, from what I can gather. So, as you suggest, if one of these characters does stray into bdsm and finds an unsuspecting submissive, they have the potential to create the toxicity and mayhem you describe. Any sub, particularly younger and inexperienced ones, should really either take time to write, and ask open ended, easy questions, to try and discover the knowledge and traits that are highlighted here, before meeting someone, or join a munch to gain impressions from others with more character experience of others in the community. Take time to allow the characters to develop through just talking.and conversations. Think deeply about what someone is saying. Don’t be easily swayed by promises that sound too good to be true. Be discerning. It’s too late once you’ve been ensnared and trapped, told who you can and can’t talk to, have your friends removed, told to not use your phone and have it locked away, told that reading magazines, newspapers and watching tv are destructive elements of society, and you suddenly realise, when it’s too late, that you’re being influenced by the lies and decitfulness of either a narcissist or a sociopath…they take pleasure in wrecking you, and they destroy your happiness. I’ve seen it at first hand. Thank you for bringing this into the open.

[Li****]

Genuinely found this an educational and cautionary read that just may help try to differentiate genuine kindness, care and vulnerability to a pretence we all crave to be real.
Thank you for taking the time to post this.✨️

[ja****]

I was married to that kind of person, it was horrible. Never looking back

[Wasp2017]

Couldnt tell if this was bdsm or parliament the warnings certainly apply to both.

[Spriguns]

Absolutely spot on. An excellent price of writing

[na****]

If you are looking for toxic people in BDSM you have come to exactly the right place…they are ALL here! These individuals do not thrive on other genuine BDSM sites. Thats why they have the run of the mill here and it’s accepted. It’s somewhat amusing!

[Chloebear]

Yes, sadly there are many on here masquerading as Dominants who are in fact narcissistic and, I’d say, more than toxic it can actually be abusive. Have a good idea of the qualities and behaviours you want in a partner before you get involved and reflect on whether they match, it’s easy to get swept up when you’re new and adopt a Dom’s opinions as your own. Don’t hang around thinking they’ll change….it’s unlikely at best.

[Ky****]

V true Chloe, there many who are also scam artists and most dangerous of all there are those who infiltrate our community because we 'disgust' them and they are actually looking for an inexperienced desperate sub to put themselves in a position where they can be seriously hurt -physically, emotionally and psychologically

[Sy****]

I have experienced a long term pattern like this. However absolutely nothing about our relationship was kinky or a part of bdsm.
When I got to the part about psychological bdsm narcissism, I relalized how much his *** it landed into this category.
So much of his *** towards me was tearing me down psychologically. Comments about my body image, my body parts (first being great then in the end telling me how disgusting I am) during sex. Saying he wanted one thing and the reverse the opposite and it was my fault for not knowing and not pleasing him the right way.
He was Prince Charming to everyone else.

Anyways I’m saying this here because past narcissistic *** can still linger and affect current bdsm relationships.
There are sexual acts that I have trouble with because of his verbal & psychological ***.
Something of a sexual desire I crave but then freak out when the situation comes to light.
Explaining that to a new partner is nearly impossible. They think I’m dramatic or too needy.
OP, I hope a lot of people on here read your post and heed warnings/gain awareness of these awful people

[12play]

December 31, 2023, SympleSyrup said:

I have experienced a long term pattern like this. However absolutely nothing about our relationship was kinky or a part of bdsm.
When I got to the part about psychological bdsm narcissism, I relalized how much his *** it landed into this category.
So much of his *** towards me was tearing me down psychologically. Comments about my body image, my body parts (first being great then in the end telling me how disgusting I am) during sex. Saying he wanted one thing and the reverse the opposite and it was my fault for not knowing and not pleasing him the right way.
He was Prince Charming to everyone else.

Anyways I’m saying this here because past narcissistic *** can still linger and affect current bdsm relationships.
There are sexual acts that I have trouble with because of his verbal & psychological ***.
Something of a sexual desire I crave but then freak out when the situation comes to light.
Explaining that to a new partner is nearly impossible. They think I’m dramatic or too needy.
OP, I hope a lot of people on here read your post and heed warnings/gain awareness of these awful people

That's exactly how my ex treated me. In the beginning everything was great, but after marriage it was the complete opposite. I was just disgusting to her. I'm glad my divorce went well though

[RandoriUK]

That's a very poor view of a Dom.

Sure, there are 'players' who do act this way and subs who fall for it. But I don't believe a genuine Dom would behave like this.

A D/s relationship should be one of mutual agreements, consensual, respectful, and understanding of each partners needs, to be served, and to serve.

It could also be argued that a Dom 'serves' their sub and that a sub is always in control.

Perhaps take time to reflect, but I have witnessed some very beautiful and safe D/s relationships that have lasted many years.

[Li****]

36 minutes ago, RandoriUK said:

That's a very poor view of a Dom.

Sure, there are 'players' who do act this way and subs who fall for it. But I don't believe a genuine Dom would behave like this.

A D/s relationship should be one of mutual agreements, consensual, respectful, and understanding of each partners needs, to be served, and to serve.

It could also be argued that a Dom 'serves' their sub and that a sub is always in control.

Perhaps take time to reflect, but I have witnessed some very beautiful and safe D/s relationships that have lasted many years.

Correct me if I'm mistaken OP🙏🏽...that is the exact point of the status. The OP isn't trying to describe healthy, positive, dynamics, or Doms. It is information on toxic issues with people who claim to be or use those terms and roles for their own personal agenda/issues, which can be harmful.
We all know there are positive and healthy D/s relationships. But some don't realise their are awful people who disguise and blend into these communities for harmful intent on others.
As far as your description of all D/s roles and dynamics go, I completely disagree that the basic is "serve and be served."
I'd personally put that definition into SOME slave/master dynamics majorly or possibly degrader/degradee and those similar.
To submit does not automatically mean to serve. Or that you'd enjoy that as part of your relationship at all.
My submission means a hell of a lot more than a transactional service to me. And I highly doubt I'm the only one.
Serving comes into it if agreed upon and can include a range of type of service. Some people naturally start helping each other and doing things for each other as the relationship develops/may turn more serious and this is part of any relationship (which you could phrase as "acts of service" if really necessary)
I'd never say either side of D/s is "always in control" unless this is their personal dynamic agreed upon.
BOTH have a say. BOTH have a voice. BOTH make decisions. BOTH consent or don't.
Perhaps take time to reflect the fact the OP never said there wasn't beautiful and safe dynamics. Only that there also aren't and which types to be aware exist and behaviours they can show.

[AU****]

Complicated Topic

Do not forget that even BDSM is toxic (that's why it's different from vanilla sex). Some people consider it toxic in a forbidden way while others consider it a way of life or their toxic peace. Also do not forget that some people ARE into toxicity.

HOWEVER I oppose inhumanity myself like *** (not *** PLAY) and treating a human like a pet 24/7 (a little session is fine I guess) or imprisoning a person for a long time and some more toxic kinks that take away one's human rights (living like a human). In the end we are all humans 🖤

[De****]

Hey, I'm pretty new to this and hoping to find someone who can teach me how it works when done properly. My first experience ended.. well I no longer wish to continue, but was bound and gagged and wasn't given a choice. Be very careful who you give control to!! Still, I want to meet a trustworthy person and learn about bdsm and explore my kinks.

[Jaguar54]

On 1/3/2024 at 7:55 AM, RandoriUK said:

That's a very poor view of a Dom.

Sure, there are 'players' who do act this way and subs who fall for it. But I don't believe a genuine Dom would behave like this.

A D/s relationship should be one of mutual agreements, consensual, respectful, and understanding of each partners needs, to be served, and to serve.

It could also be argued that a Dom 'serves' their sub and that a sub is always in control.

Perhaps take time to reflect, but I have witnessed some very beautiful and safe D/s relationships that have lasted many years.

While fully accepting and endorsing the OP's perspective, @RandoriUK also has a very valid point. We ain't all bad guys.

• Mutual Agreement
• Consent
• Respect
• Understanding and willingness to consider each others needs

That serves as a useful, although not exhaustive, checklist. Take a step back and look at your relationship with critical eyes. Are you satisfied that *you* can tick those boxes, or have you been told that you must?

[KiaOra]

Yes