Calling the Female Submissives to Weigh In

[Ve****]

Submissive females only please: let’s have a conversation about safety and trust. I want to know if you trust your body when it gives you signals that something’s off in your dynamic. I want to know if you test your Dom for safety and sincerity and how. I want to know the green and red flags you’ve recognized or ignored only to recognize later. Have your dreams ever changed after entering a dynamic? How have you know when the trust was solid?

[Ta****]

Do you believe in trust is earned or given 

[Ta****]

This is the best wisdom I can give you…

Loyal Man will always get on your nerves, that's the price you pay.
Other Men don't get on your nerves cause they got other Girls to entertain.

[earthyangel]

you can never know in advance. you can do your best to learn the person, in order to know if he is one that you are willing to give your trust to. yet, you can never know. life in general and BDSM too... doesn't come with guarantees. you trust, hoping the other person will not fail. and if he does, that he won't do it too often. we are all humans. we are allowed to fail, and hopefully we learn by that, and fast.

as a sub you have the responsibility for your safety just as your Dom. you need to make sure as a sub that you have the ability to pull back your consent and stop a session if you feel that something bad is happening. it is your responsibility to learn the basic things about the practice and to pay attention at least in the beginning, that all is set for emergency cases, and it's your responsibility to choose well your Dom. you also have the responsibility to give feedback if needed, in a positive and building way. if you need to "test" your Dom, then something is not working properly and deeper investigation needed. we tend as human beings to "throw" the blame on others, they are always "responsible to the faults".. well.. sometimes its something to do with us.

the thing I do, is check and recheck myself. 

you cannot change other's behaviour, if you don't like them. you can communicate, and you can work on your own patterns of behaviour. and you, as sub, have the freedom to kick out of your life, those that keep failing. 

[le****]

I'd say the biggest red flag is that you feel you need to test them for anything in the first place. Objectively to do that is wrong and is coming from an initial place of distrust, this is never good in any dynamic new or experienced. Coming back to the kink side of things I feel if I was to test my dom in someway during a session would be a sign of major disrespect and turns the session into something more cynister. To elaborate usually a dom has put lots of time, energy, thought, preparation, sometimes funding to arrange a safe exploring session and to then use my safe word to 'test' if he can be trusted is not only giving the dom a false sense of the purpose of the interaction but you have already made a none submissive decision to yourself of how and when your gonna say your word and what you shall feed back to you dom when they comply and end the session.
My advice is
1, to not get involved with people you don't trust to do the task, if that means you trust no one right now then it also means you have alot alot of self work to take care of before involving yourself with others.
2,Don't test people for anything, you have no authority over them and therefore have no right to create 'examinations ' that are blanketed as a pass or fail result.
3. Don't feel so free to say your safe word, if you want someone to consistently respect when your safe word is said then use it only ever at the point of most needing it. Without your dom being able to rely on you only using it as a red light situation they are never going to be able to dominate you effectively. Also this is kinda lightly 'don't be the boy who cried wolf' I kinda thing. If you use your safe word all the time then it will lose its impact.
Happy fetting x

[Ve****]

2 hours ago, TabooPet said:

Do you believe in trust is earned or given 

Both but ultimately earned. I can give trust but do they keep it? If so it’s been earned.

[Ve****]

38 minutes ago, leanneandmartin said:

I'd say the biggest red flag is that you feel you need to test them for anything in the first place. Objectively to do that is wrong and is coming from an initial place of distrust, this is never good in any dynamic new or experienced. Coming back to the kink side of things I feel if I was to test my dom in someway during a session would be a sign of major disrespect and turns the session into something more cynister. To elaborate usually a dom has put lots of time, energy, thought, preparation, sometimes funding to arrange a safe exploring session and to then use my safe word to 'test' if he can be trusted is not only giving the dom a false sense of the purpose of the interaction but you have already made a none submissive decision to yourself of how and when your gonna say your word and what you shall feed back to you dom when they comply and end the session.
My advice is
1, to not get involved with people you don't trust to do the task, if that means you trust no one right now then it also means you have alot alot of self work to take care of before involving yourself with others.
2,Don't test people for anything, you have no authority over them and therefore have no right to create 'examinations ' that are blanketed as a pass or fail result.
3. Don't feel so free to say your safe word, if you want someone to consistently respect when your safe word is said then use it only ever at the point of most needing it. Without your dom being able to rely on you only using it as a red light situation they are never going to be able to dominate you effectively. Also this is kinda lightly 'don't be the boy who cried wolf' I kinda thing. If you use your safe word all the time then it will lose its impact.
Happy fetting x

I disagree that testing is wrong. If there are red flags a test is necessary, and I am not to blame for that need. Quite the opposite. It is excellent to recognize the red flags and consciously make the decision to test. It seems that the subs who have experienced ***, betrayal and trauma are not weighing in. Those of us that have experienced such, and have done the work necessary to heal, would probably say that sometimes a test is necessary to ensure that we don’t distrust a Dom or end a dynamic because of projecting our past upon him. I do agree that a test should never involve a safe word.

[Fa****]

Hi lovely, I’ve read this and your previous post and am assuming both are intertwined to some extent?

I’m really exceptionally bad at trusting myself and my judgement/feelings of something not being quite right and I’ll admit that I overreact at times. Much of this is down to things which happened in my past that I shan’t go into here - long and boring  

In terms of testing re a safe word it’s not something I’ve ever done (only because I’ve not needed to). However, I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing to do. If you wait until the absolute moment of “need” (for want of a better word) to use your safe word and then find out your Dom isn’t capable of controlling themselves and actually stopping then what…? Surely it’s best to test these things in advance as opposed to waiting for a worst case scenario? It’s somewhat akin to, for example, emergency skills drill in hospitals. The emergency may never happen but you ***y well want to be sure you know exactly what to do, when and how should it happen.

On that note I do like the idea of not only an “absolute safe word” but also a “woah, slow down safe word” (be that traffic lights or whatever works for you) and check ins by a Dom throughout a session for you to tell them where you’re at - those are things I’d personally be asking for in a dynamic/play session prior to anything occurring, maybe I’m weird.

This stately element is a two way street though and they need to be sure you will use your safe word when necessary as much as you need to be sure they’ll stop. Better to use it and end a session than to not use it and end up traumatised or worse.

In regards to testing in other ways, yes I have done so in the past but the fall out was catastrophic because I told him what I’d done. Rightly or wrongly I did it and I needed to do it for me, there were too many things going on that didn’t add up and talking about it directly didn’t resolve those concerns. Stupid thing is he passed the “test” - and then (as is his right) left me because I tested him when he didn’t feel it was warranted.

I understand myself more now but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t necessarily “test” someone again - and yes, some may see that as a red flag and I’m sure to get backlash from typing this but I’m being as honest as I can be. Even a simple thing such as waiting for them to message before you do is a “test” in a way. Humans test each other every day, it’s wrong to think we don’t. The difference is that some tests are more “underhand” than others and are frowned upon.

I don’t know if that has in any way answered your question. Feel free to DM me if you want to discuss anything in more depth xx

Edited January 10 by FatefulDestiny
Additional info

[Ve****]

13 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

Hi lovely, I’ve read this and your previous post and am assuming both are intertwined to some extent?

I’m really exceptionally bad at trusting myself and my judgement/feelings of something not being quite right and I’ll admit that I overreact at times. Much of this is down to things which happened in my past that I shan’t go into here - long and boring  

In terms of testing re a safe word it’s not something I’ve ever done (only because I’ve not needed to). However, I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing to do. If you wait until the absolute moment of “need” (for want of a better word) to use your safe word and then find out your Dom isn’t capable of controlling themselves and actually stopping then what…? Surely it’s best to test these things in advance as opposed to waiting for a worst case scenario? It’s somewhat akin to, for example, emergency skills drill in hospitals. The emergency may never happen but you ***y well want to be sure you know exactly what to do, when and how should it happen.

On that note I do like the idea of not only an “absolute safe word” but also a “woah, slow down safe word” (be that traffic lights or whatever works for you) and check ins by a Dom throughout a session for you to tell them where you’re at - those are things I’d personally be asking for in a dynamic/play session prior to anything occurring, maybe I’m weird.

This stately element is a two way street though and they need to be sure you will use your safe word when necessary as much as you need to be sure they’ll stop. Better to use it and end a session than to not use it and end up traumatised or worse.

In regards to testing in other ways, yes I have done so in the past but the fall out was catastrophic because I told him what I’d done. Rightly or wrongly I did it and I needed to do it for me, there were too many things going on that didn’t add up and talking about it directly didn’t resolve those concerns. Stupid thing is he passed the “test” - and then (as is his right) left me because I tested him when he didn’t feel it was warranted.

I understand myself more now but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t necessarily “test” someone again - and yes, some may see that as a red flag and I’m sure to get backlash from typing this but I’m being as honest as I can be. Even a simple thing such as waiting for them to message before you do is a “test” in a way. Humans test each other every day, it’s wrong to think we don’t. The difference is that some tests are more “underhand” than others and are frowned upon.

I don’t know if that has in any way answered your question. Feel free to DM me if you want to discuss anything in more depth xx

I gratefully commend you for your honesty and willingness to deal with potential backlash. I also like the method of using safe words that indicate more than just to stop immediately. I hope you never stop yourself from testing anyone you feel might need to be tested. We are ultimately responsible for our own safety. I don’t regret testing my last Dom. And I trust myself more than ever. I was right. I saw the signs. I recognized what my body was telling me despite what was being said to me. And did what was necessary for own well being. Yay me! I think about all the young naive eager to please submissives and *** what ideas they will get from the backlash about testing. If testing a Dom results in losing him- good riddance. I don’t want a Dom so ego driven. As the sub I fully embrace that the power is mine to allow or not. I’m not willing to allow, after a certain point, without achieving a greater level of trust. To not test would have been to betray myself.

[Ve****]

A test is warranted anytime YOU think it is. I’m sad you’ve been deterred from testing again by being left by a Dom for doing such. To me, that is a sign that you DID have a reason to test. Don’t you want your Dom to be encouraging of your decisions to ensure your own safety? Even if it’s with him? That is how you learn to trust yourself - You do what YOU think needs to be done, despite the potential consequences.

[Ve****]

3 hours ago, TabooPet said:

Do you believe in trust is earned or given 

What do you think?

[le****]

The point of submission is giving the responsibility of your safety amongst other things over to your dom. In kink your sexual health is your responsibility but not your safety. Eg, how is a submissive suspended fully, blindfolded, gaged, restrained having the use of powerful toys used ensuring their own safety???? The answer is they don't ensure it, the dom does! Trauma or not a submissive has no place giving tests to a dominant. To do it is to reverse the dynamic and power balance completely. You can not test someone unless you hold a Position of authority over them, a driving instructor to learner, doctor to nurse, teacher to student. Your crossing a big boundary. As for trauma, that very literally is in your past and the actions of a previous dom is not the responsibility of a new dom. Deal with your trauma far far before and away from new connections and enter the new connections with an none prejudice starting point.
You assume that due to my opinion on this matter that I am not included in submissives who have experienced *** or trauma when the reality is im simply healed and moved far past it for myself and I did it without imposing the damage on to others that had nothing at all to do with the source. If you are testing then you are already projecting, already assuming the worst with 'red flags' (red flags, code for I can't be arsed to communicate that I feel insecure in a certain area to resolve things healthily so instead I'm going to orchastrate random tests to check you are in fact a mind reader because I interprete and feel you show similarities to an unresolved trauma I have). Your approach is unfair and a breach of your doms trust or anyone's trust who you deem testable.
I hope instead of operating your sex life through a negative primary lense that you do the work on yourself and move past your hurt. I hope that for everyone and simply trying to tell you if you take this negative road then healing is next to impossible.

[Ve****]

6 minutes ago, leanneandmartin said:

The point of submission is giving the responsibility of your safety amongst other things over to your dom. In kink your sexual health is your responsibility but not your safety. Eg, how is a submissive suspended fully, blindfolded, gaged, restrained having the use of powerful toys used ensuring their own safety???? The answer is they don't ensure it, the dom does! Trauma or not a submissive has no place giving tests to a dominant. To do it is to reverse the dynamic and power balance completely. You can not test someone unless you hold a Position of authority over them, a driving instructor to learner, doctor to nurse, teacher to student. Your crossing a big boundary. As for trauma, that very literally is in your past and the actions of a previous dom is not the responsibility of a new dom. Deal with your trauma far far before and away from new connections and enter the new connections with an none prejudice starting point.
You assume that due to my opinion on this matter that I am not included in submissives who have experienced *** or trauma when the reality is im simply healed and moved far past it for myself and I did it without imposing the damage on to others that had nothing at all to do with the source. If you are testing then you are already projecting, already assuming the worst with 'red flags' (red flags, code for I can't be arsed to communicate that I feel insecure in a certain area to resolve things healthily so instead I'm going to orchastrate random tests to check you are in fact a mind reader because I interprete and feel you show similarities to an unresolved trauma I have). Your approach is unfair and a breach of your doms trust or anyone's trust who you deem testable.
I hope instead of operating your sex life through a negative primary lense that you do the work on yourself and move past your hurt. I hope that for everyone and simply trying to tell you if you take this negative road then healing is next to impossible.

You make some points I had not considered before, so I will take some time to do that before responding fully. But I do not perform random or repeated tests. It was one test, a simple request that would have revealed both of us. It could have been beautiful.

[Ve****]

I would like to redirect everyone to the actual questions and point of my posting. I acknowledge that creating a post also creates an opportunity to be attacked, accused, made assumptions about, spoken harshly to and more. But the purpose of the post is to discuss safety and trust, recognizing when your body warns you, testing for safety and sincerity, red and green flags and how you know when trust is solid.

[Deleted Member]

I think based on your postings and comments so far that you seem to top from the bottom and struggle to have trust. That's your work to do, not the dom's.

[Ve****]

7 minutes ago, inconceivable said:

I think based on your postings and comments so far that you seem to top from the bottom and struggle to have trust. That's your work to do, not the dom's.

Thank you. Have you anything to add about the actual topic?

[Fa****]

57 minutes ago, inconceivable said:

I think based on your postings and comments so far that you seem to top from the bottom and struggle to have trust. That's your work to do, not the dom's.

Really?!?! I’m not sure how exactly you’ve come to that conclusion but also it’s completely irrelevant to the point of the actual post. 

[Ve****]

3 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

Really?!?! I’m not sure how exactly you’ve come to that conclusion but also it’s completely irrelevant to the point of the actual post. 

Thank you, Girl. Bitches be savage on here. I’m trying to learn and provide education for the younger ones so they don’t expose themselves to all the shit I exposed myself to not knowing better.

[Je****]

1 hour ago, leanneandmartin said:

The point of submission is giving the responsibility of your safety amongst other things over to your dom. In kink your sexual health is your responsibility but not your safety. Eg, how is a submissive suspended fully, blindfolded, gaged, restrained having the use of powerful toys used ensuring their own safety???? The answer is they don't ensure it, the dom does! Trauma or not a submissive has no place giving tests to a dominant. To do it is to reverse the dynamic and power balance completely. You can not test someone unless you hold a Position of authority over them, a driving instructor to learner, doctor to nurse, teacher to student. Your crossing a big boundary. As for trauma, that very literally is in your past and the actions of a previous dom is not the responsibility of a new dom. Deal with your trauma far far before and away from new connections and enter the new connections with an none prejudice starting point.
You assume that due to my opinion on this matter that I am not included in submissives who have experienced *** or trauma when the reality is im simply healed and moved far past it for myself and I did it without imposing the damage on to others that had nothing at all to do with the source. If you are testing then you are already projecting, already assuming the worst with 'red flags' (red flags, code for I can't be arsed to communicate that I feel insecure in a certain area to resolve things healthily so instead I'm going to orchastrate random tests to check you are in fact a mind reader because I interprete and feel you show similarities to an unresolved trauma I have). Your approach is unfair and a breach of your doms trust or anyone's trust who you deem testable.
I hope instead of operating your sex life through a negative primary lense that you do the work on yourself and move past your hurt. I hope that for everyone and simply trying to tell you if you take this negative road then healing is next to impossible.

This is utter nonsense.  

[Ve****]

4 minutes ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

This is utter nonsense.  

Tell me more.

[Je****]

You have every right to test a dominant. A submissive. A friend a partner. Anyone. 

You are human. 

You're trauma does indeed mean you can safe guard yourself and identify or rule out any red flags. 

 

You do not need to have a place of authority over anyone. 

What utter shit.

At the end of the day, a submissive holds all the power. Not the dominant. They can oversee the dynamic and safety etc but the subs word is the last. 

 

 

If you need to see about saying a safe word, to see a dominants reaction or lack thereof, then you do so. 

You can get reassurance if you need it. 

There are ofc levels of tests. 

Maybe test within a dynamic ask them something they've spoke about before see if they're consistent, or your safeword for a stop. 

Don't try to test by like honey traps or things that are way too far. 

It's part of the vetting process, and usually only needed at the beginning of a dynamic or interaction.

Yes trust may be slow at the start but sometimes little tests will help you be certain this person is for you.

Most likely your partner will set little test exercises for you also.

 

A genuine partner and person will not mind you vetting and testing them, people with soemthing to hide will. 

 

If it suits you, helps you find trust, and reassurance, then You keep doing what works for you. 

Don't let anyone on any high self proclaimed throne tell you that testing someone is not something you're entitled to do or that you have 0 authority in your own dynamic. 

Do not let anyone tell you that you sound untrusting and uncapable blah blah. 

If you are kept safe via these measures, as much as the next person then great.

 

If someone goes into a new dynamic and has 0 flags via trauma or otherwise, and never feels the need to test someone for any reason, then good for you. But don't belittle those who maybe do. 

Edited January 10 by Jeneral_Whore

[Je****]

5 minutes ago, Velicious said:

Tell me more.

I couldn't even read it past authority. Absolute nonsense and cruel jabbering. 🗑

[Ve****]

5 minutes ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

You have every right to test a dominant. A submissive. A friend a partner. Anyone. 

You are human. 

You're trauma does indeed mean you can safe guard yourself and identify or rule out any red flags. 

 

You do not need to have a place of authority over anyone. 

What utter shit.

At the end of the day, a submissive holds all the power. Not the dominant. They can oversee the dynamic and safety etc but the subs word is the last. 

 

 

If you need to see about saying a safe word, to see a dominants reaction or lack thereof, then you do so. 

You can get reassurance if you need it. 

There are ofc levels of tests. 

Maybe test within a dynamic ask them something they've spoke about before see if they're consistent, or your safeword for a stop. 

Don't try to test by like honey traps or things that are way too far. 

It's part of the vetting process, and usually only needed at the beginning of a dynamic or interaction.

Yes trust may be slow at the start but sometimes little tests will help you be certain this person is for you.

Most likely your partner will set little test exercises for you also.

 

A genuine partner and person will not mind you vetting and testing them, people with soemthing to hide will. 

 

If it suits you, helps you find trust, and reassurance, then You keep doing what works for you. 

Don't let anyone on any high self proclaimed throne tell you that testing someone is not something you're entitled to do or that you have 0 authority in your own dynamic. 

Do not let anyone tell you that you sound untrusting and uncapable blah blah. 

If you are kept safe via these measures, as much as the next person then great.

 

If someone goes into a new dynamic and has 0 flags via trauma or otherwise, and never feels the need to test someone for any reason, then good for you. But don't belittle those who maybe do. 

Well said. Females need to know all of this and have the encouragement of other females. If I had only known all that you said 25 years ago! And now that I DO know it I going to talk about it so others know, too.

[Ve****]

What’s a honey trap?

[Ve****]

5 minutes ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

I couldn't even read it past authority. Absolute nonsense and cruel jabbering. 🗑

It felt cruel, too. Complete opposite vibe I was hoping get on here. I don’t let men on this app talk to me like that, that’s for sure.