Calling the Female Submissives to Weigh In

[Ve****]

17 hours ago, Devon286 said:

Ah, I could talk about red flags, but there was nothing specific to kink. All stuff that run-of-the-mill nasties do, that you can read on any problem page. Oh yeah, actually... toys. "Now you've asked to use that, I feel like I'm not enough for you". Me, ruining the moment and making poor him feel inadequate.

I did want to pick up on something Jeneral Whore said, though. You could easily test if he stops for a safe word - I cannot imagine the bloke I'm thinking of not respecting a safe word, because that would make him the bad guy, and that could never happen. Classic, now I look back on it 🤣 I could well imagine him guilt tripping me with it, though. Why did you say that, I was about to stop anyway, you don't trust me. I was only doing what you asked me to do, you've made me hurt you, and now I feel bad. And so on. Not that that happened, but it would have been entirely in character, and if you're testing his response to a safe word, I'd say that's as important as "did he stop?".

What a disappointment for your lover to become upset at your request to use a toy. Thats a red flag for me. If he’s going to take my desire further okay and pleasure as a personal attack than why is he sleeping with me? Seems it’s not for MY pleasure but only his own. Men like that have caused me to suffer in the past.

[De****]

8 hours ago, Velicious said:

What a disappointment for your lover to become upset at your request to use a toy. Thats a red flag for me. If he’s going to take my desire further okay and pleasure as a personal attack than why is he sleeping with me? Seems it’s not for MY pleasure but only his own. Men like that have caused me to suffer in the past.

Ha, he wasn't truly upset, just seizing any opportunity to try and make me feel like shit. Any opportunity at all.

[Ve****]

23 hours ago, Devon286 said:

Ha, he wasn't truly upset, just seizing any opportunity to try and make me feel like shit. Any opportunity at all.

I’ve been in that space for a long time. Even now that we are divorced any and every opportunity to hurt me is used. It’s good that we recognize it. I hope you find the support you need to make a positive change.

[Msfergz]

This is a great topic... A huge part of my journey has been around me pushing the safety and trust. When I first started I was labeled as a brat . I hated the term from start but as I have grown I recognise this "bratting" is down to purely me pushing to test the safety. I am not communicating something I should be and this is the outcome.

[Ve****]

4 hours ago, Msfergz said:

This is a great topic... A huge part of my journey has been around me pushing the safety and trust. When I first started I was labeled as a brat . I hated the term from start but as I have grown I recognise this "bratting" is down to purely me pushing to test the safety. I am not communicating something I should be and this is the outcome.

I feel exactly the same way! And what surprised me was not that some males like it big that a lot of women hate it! So programmed by the patriarchy they believe I should never question, test, doubt or call out a Dom. And that’s my job as a sub, if you ask me. How I do it depends on out dynamic. And no one has to like it but us.

[arcticdoll]

When I was young, no. I didn't know that I had any authority, that I had autonomy, that I had agency. The moment I realized it though, apparently I became "a bitch" and "not a real sub" because I have very straightforward profiles, that I will tell dudes to f*ck off if they're rude or treat me like an object.

I never test them. Testing people no matter your level of intimacy is definitely a yellow flag, because if you feel the need to test people, you probably have some trust issues (regardless of how you acquired them) and you should attend to your mental health.

I make my consents and my needs very clear, and I keep an eye out for yellow flags, because a red flag means stop, no go, do not pass, and I will never engage with that person again. A yellow flag means we can discuss it and come to a decision later.

An immediate red flag is if they try to treat you like an object before you meet, or on first getting to know each other. Green good go would be if they rightfully that you like a human with needs and agency from the start no matter what dynamic you are seeking or how deep into submission you are wanting to get. A red flag would be if they start out green, but do a Jekyll and Hyde flip on you as soon as you start your d/s dynamic.

[Msfergz]

That's an interesting point of view and respect very likely more experienced then me. However I would like you to consider your point on should attend to mental health. If only that black and white and some issues may only arise in their journey which may not have had an impact before. When all your limits are being pushed it's unknown how your going to react
In my experience I learned this pushing/testing on my journey and it was only because of the incredible journey I was able to learn this about myself. Then getting the right support, guidance and structure from my Dom to help start correcting it.
Absolutely agree mine are on trust issues and being upfront about my past from the start, gave him enough understanding that i may have these. I think perhaps encouraging communication. Fully disclosing your thoughts and even if you think it's crazy or irrelevant would be better course of action. The right Dom for you will listen and guide you

[Suz3]

I ditched a Dom this week who had been saying he wanted a “relationship” with me and only me but he was all over the place and leaving status comments about who wanted to get fucked. He had been saying he had to see me and couldn’t wait till I could see him. Just pitched a fit like a toddler. Then when I relented and said I would see him he started backing up and making noises like he had something else going. So I can’t be in a D/s situation with somebody who raises more red flags 🚩 in my mind than the UN is flying. He was using *** and was behaving very unstable and I will not trust my safety to someone under the influence. The communication was messed up with him cause he was always high. He demanded all kinds of stuff from me but couldn’t give me the courtesy of having a conversation with me when he wasn’t stoned. I had no idea what he might do because he had no idea what he might do. So I saved my sanity and said I had had enough childish ridiculous behavior. I will never trust an addict no matter how attracted to him I am. He and I had completely different ideas about what a so called relationship of any sort constitutes. It’s not worth the chaos.

[Ve****]

January 20, Suz3 said:

I ditched a Dom this week who had been saying he wanted a “relationship” with me and only me but he was all over the place and leaving status comments about who wanted to get fucked. He had been saying he had to see me and couldn’t wait till I could see him. Just pitched a fit like a toddler. Then when I relented and said I would see him he started backing up and making noises like he had something else going. So I can’t be in a D/s situation with somebody who raises more red flags 🚩 in my mind than the UN is flying. He was using *** and was behaving very unstable and I will not trust my safety to someone under the influence. The communication was messed up with him cause he was always high. He demanded all kinds of stuff from me but couldn’t give me the courtesy of having a conversation with me when he wasn’t stoned. I had no idea what he might do because he had no idea what he might do. So I saved my sanity and said I had had enough childish ridiculous behavior. I will never trust an addict no matter how attracted to him I am. He and I had completely different ideas about what a so called relationship of any sort constitutes. It’s not worth the chaos.

It’s so hard to find a Dom who is what we want, isn’t it? I’m glad you did what’s best for you. I’ve also had to break up with someone that I was really into.

[Ve****]

January 10, Jeneral_Whore said:

I will actually say one last thing on the matter. And WHY I decided to challenge them.

 

Yes my gut instinct was flagged due to this post and the fact he was in my dms about the settings of this site. That's what did it for me. This person reached out to me, not vice versa.

 

So for example. I am new here, fresh and clueless on bdsm and dynamics, whatever you wanna call it. I am exploring about on here, and I haven't really any clue on what this site does or how to use it.

This guy comes into my inbox, after seeing something on my profile, not necessarily looking for help, or perhaps it does.

He messages me, offers me help, and tells me how to use the site. What features to fill out, what to click on and how to operate it in general.

This has already been genuinely helpful. BUT... he now has me in a false sense of security. He is helping me navigate the site, leading me to believe he is in some way a part of it and the support team. Why wouldn't I think this? 

I feel like he's someone who has helped and may continue to do so, and therefore I start confiding in him. "What does it mean if someone says xyz? What does this stand for? What behaviours and habits are bad and wrong?" 

He is in a position of power, being so new and not knowing any different. I will believe what he says, and take note of HIS version of flags. Flags that yes could be genuine, but also to steer me away from potentials and stay in his favour. Stay where he wants me, he can monitor me this way. What I am doing on here and so on.

Say I really like someone and he tells me they things this person does or says aren't ok, or safe or he's fake. I leave disappointed. The cycle continues. 

One day I choose to not take his advice. What if he blocked me? What if he got angry with me? What if he sabotaged my opportunity? 

What may be a flag for him, may not be for me. I could be attracted to someone who's into ***y play for example. He could tell me it's wrong and dangerous etc, even though it intrigues me but I could second guess myself due to his help and guidance previously.

There is also a chance he is genuine, and does help people and moves on. But to use the way the site works, feels almost like a false assertion of association with the site, which can be used to his advantage. If something goes wrong people will blame the site. Or a mod, or admin thinking he is part of that team?

 

Point is, help and guide your friends, sure. Potential partners. As yourself. Do not try and assert a knowledge of a site you've been using mere months, and across the world of which you don't even know the people. You cannot determine who is and isn't a fake dominant, and even if you can, it's not your place. It is up to each person to own their own mistakes, learn their own lessons, listen to their own gut, identify flags and personal responsibility. 

I am rambling now but I feel so cross on having to even explain the process of safety online. Do not trust people who lure you in via trustful help where they don't belong. Sigh.

Hope you’re still trusting your gut and thriving!!!!

[Deleted Member]

On 1/13/2024 at 8:27 PM, Msfergz said:

This is a great topic... A huge part of my journey has been around me pushing the safety and trust. When I first started I was labeled as a brat . I hated the term from start but as I have grown I recognise this "bratting" is down to purely me pushing to test the safety. I am not communicating something I should be and this is the outcome.

That is an excellent way to look at it. I think safety is paramount and trust is a huge part of it