Calling the Female Submissives to Weigh In

January 10

I find no evidence of topping from the bottom, I just see some insecurity based on bad previous experience. Learning to spot red flags is important and, moreso, not ignoring them. Don’t play with someone who you are unsure of. I would also test a safe word with a new Dom, I know many Doms who encourage this, as would I in that role.

Red flags could be dishonesty, about relationships or experience perhaps. Running down your self esteem rather than building you up. Isolating you. Being closed to questions about experience or style etc. Immediately demanding honorifics or rules without discussion or agreement, or the stance that a sub must do what a Dom/me says without question regardless of limits etc. I would also be wary of people who fail to provide aftercare if it’s wanted or who jump into play without discussion of desires and limits. There are more… it can just be a gut feeling but it will usually be based on something being off about the communication, either dishonesty, deflection or being closed off, which are difficult to overcome in a dynamic.

January 10

1 minute ago, Velicious said:

Well said. Females need to know all of this and have the encouragement of other females. If I had only known all that you said 25 years ago! And now that I DO know it I going to talk about it so others know, too.

You are free in your dynamic to do as you wish.

You give a dominant permission to touch you. To control you. To love you. To alter your life and task you and all sorts.

Your word is what keeps it together.

If you feel the trust and AUTHORITY you have allowed your dominant to have, is being breached , then you are indeed allowed to test that. For yourself to see if they are indeed giving the gut instinct for a reason or to realise if its your own worries and past creeping up.

As long as you have a discussion about it with them, you can do whatever the hell you like.

It's YOUR dynamic.

Your feelings are valid and anything your worried about also.

Honey trap is for instance if you're monogamous. And you suspect a partner is speaking to others or cheating, and you organise or set up an attractive person (paid) to advance on said partner to see if they take the bait

If you get to that level of distrust, in my opinion, you don't trust them at all. And need to revise your dynamic or relationship.

If you just feel like a safe word will be ignored, sure test it. Cus you don't know if one day when it's most required, and is ignored damage may happen. Youre within your right as long as you're not harming someone else.

January 10

3 minutes ago, Velicious said:

It felt cruel, too. Complete opposite vibe I was hoping get on here. I don’t let men on this app talk to me like that, that’s for sure.

A quick peep at previous forum posts shows this isn't new or solely this post. Sick of seeing it.

Women need to be more supportive of one another.

Kind to men sure but if a fellow lady asked for help if you can't be constructive then move on. Don't make her feel worse.

Boils my ***.

Hugs to you

January 10

4 minutes ago, Chloebear said:

I find no evidence of topping from the bottom, I just see some insecurity based on bad previous experience. Learning to spot red flags is important and, moreso, not ignoring them. Don’t play with someone who you are unsure of. I would also test a safe word with a new Dom, I know many Doms who encourage this, as would I in that role.

Red flags could be dishonesty, about relationships or experience perhaps. Running down your self esteem rather than building you up. Isolating you. Being closed to questions about experience or style etc. Immediately demanding honorifics or rules without discussion or agreement, or the stance that a sub must do what a Dom/me says without question regardless of limits etc. I would also be wary of people who fail to provide aftercare if it’s wanted or who jump into play without discussion of desires and limits. There are more… it can just be a gut feeling but it will usually be based on something being off about the communication, either dishonesty, deflection or being closed off, which are difficult to overcome in a dynamic.

I’m so glad you said ALL of this but especially what said having a gut feeling. I think a lot of females are gaslit out of trusting those instincts. Do you?

January 10

4 minutes ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

You are free in your dynamic to do as you wish.

You give a dominant permission to touch you. To control you. To love you. To alter your life and task you and all sorts.

Your word is what keeps it together.

If you feel the trust and AUTHORITY you have allowed your dominant to have, is being breached , then you are indeed allowed to test that. For yourself to see if they are indeed giving the gut instinct for a reason or to realise if its your own worries and past creeping up.

As long as you have a discussion about it with them, you can do whatever the hell you like.

It's YOUR dynamic.

Your feelings are valid and anything your worried about also.

Honey trap is for instance if you're monogamous. And you suspect a partner is speaking to others or cheating, and you organise or set up an attractive person (paid) to advance on said partner to see if they take the bait

If you get to that level of distrust, in my opinion, you don't trust them at all. And need to revise your dynamic or relationship.

If you just feel like a safe word will be ignored, sure test it. Cus you don't know if one day when it's most required, and is ignored damage may happen. Youre within your right as long as you're not harming someone else.

Absolutely I agree about the honey trap being too much. At that point my energy would be better spent on moving on.

January 10

10 minutes ago, Velicious said:

I’m so glad you said ALL of this but especially what said having a gut feeling. I think a lot of females are gaslit out of trusting those instincts. Do you?

Yes absolutely… we are expected to be nice and apologetic to an extent, so we almost feel bad for not trusting someone who seems to make an effort or tells us they are good for us. You feel apologetic for having concerns…. Which is why some of the responses make me a little sad because concerns are natural and sometimes they’re a valid warning system.

January 10

I really want a more defined community of women on here who are supportive of each other. We don’t always have to agree but I would rather learn from women than men about how to be in a healthy dynamic.

January 10

7 minutes ago, Chloebear said:

Yes absolutely… we are expected to be nice and apologetic to an extent, so we almost feel bad for not trusting someone who seems to make an effort or tells us they are good for us. You feel apologetic for having concerns…. Which is why some of the responses make me a little sad because concerns are natural and sometimes they’re a valid warning system.

Yes! I definitely feel sad that as females we are conditioned to be polite and apologetic about our instincts with and about men/doms/partners while also finding it difficult to talk about these things with other females. We can’t rely on anyone to get it or be able to guide us.

January 10

56 minutes ago, Velicious said:

Thank you, Girl. Bitches be savage on here. I’m trying to learn and provide education for the younger ones so they don’t expose themselves to all the shit I exposed myself to not knowing better.

I said it seems as though you're trying to top from the bottom. Your response is to call me a bitch? Ok. Interesting community approach. 😂

January 10

1 hour ago, FatefulDestiny said:

Really?!?! I’m not sure how exactly you’ve come to that conclusion but also it’s completely irrelevant to the point of the actual post.

It's an opinion. I'm free to post it. You're free to disagree! I don't think the OP's views of D/s are irrelevant.

January 10

2 minutes ago, inconceivable said:

It's an opinion. I'm free to post it. You're free to disagree! I don't think the OP's views of D/s are irrelevant.

Your last sentence contains a double negative. Please clarify

January 10

4 minutes ago, inconceivable said:

It's an opinion. I'm free to post it. You're free to disagree! I don't think the OP's views of D/s are irrelevant.

Also, consider spending your time elsewhere since you have so much issues with some of what’s been said. I won’t spend a moment defending myself against accusations.

January 10

3 minutes ago, Velicious said:

Your last sentence contains a double negative. Please clarify

The way you see D/s is relevant to the thread. (The way you cope with criticism of any kind - also relevant.)

January 10

2 minutes ago, Velicious said:

Also, consider spending your time elsewhere since you have so much issues with some of what’s been said. I won’t spend a moment defending myself against accusations.

It's a comment replying to someone else.

January 10

2 hours ago, inconceivable said:

I think based on your postings and comments so far that you seem to top from the bottom and struggle to have trust. That's your work to do, not the dom's.

I'm sorry I had to reply. Topping from the bottom is a sub trying to dom.

The author of this post is a switch. Along as they made an agreement with a S/D ahead of time, and they are both aware of who was the D in the bedroom or life, and neither trys to take over the position from. The other in those settings, then neither is trying to top from the bottom. Don't assume or judge someone without getting to know them on a personal level. The author may be a good or bad person, but so far from reading their comments on their own posts, it seems like they are just euphoric and involved with others. In the future, please be more aware, empathetic, and more positive when speaking to others on this app.

January 10

11 minutes ago, Gentle_RaveDaddy said:

I'm sorry I had to reply. Topping from the bottom is a sub trying to dom.

The author of this post is a switch. Along as they made an agreement with a S/D ahead of time, and they are both aware of who was the D in the bedroom or life, and neither trys to take over the position from. The other in those settings, then neither is trying to top from the bottom. Don't assume or judge someone without getting to know them on a personal level. The author may be a good or bad person, but so far from reading their comments on their own posts, it seems like they are just euphoric and involved with others. In the future, please be more aware, empathetic, and more positive when speaking to others on this app.

Thank you.

January 10

3 minutes ago, Velicious said:

Thank you.

You're welcome, and I do apologize that you were receiving negativity in your post. You just wanted people to unite and support each other, and it just wasn't going the way the post was intended to go. If you need someone supportive to talk, a guide, or to discuss topics to in the future, my PMs are always open.

January 10

21 minutes ago, Gentle_RaveDaddy said:

I'm sorry I had to reply. Topping from the bottom is a sub trying to dom.

The author of this post is a switch. Along as they made an agreement with a S/D ahead of time, and they are both aware of who was the D in the bedroom or life, and neither trys to take over the position from. The other in those settings, then neither is trying to top from the bottom. Don't assume or judge someone without getting to know them on a personal level. The author may be a good or bad person, but so far from reading their comments on their own posts, it seems like they are just euphoric and involved with others. In the future, please be more aware, empathetic, and more positive when speaking to others on this app.

I think I made a comment based on my opinions and knowledge. One sentence. For that you feel I deserve a "telling off" as though I'm a small child. The author (whom you apparently don't know either) called me a bitch as she seems unable to cope with any hint of criticism.

January 10

I guess when it comes to red flags and testing for safety I try to observe with intent and look for patterns in behaviour rather than set up tests.
-
For example, if we are in a session and the level of *** increases and I communicate that level of *** through words, sounds, or actions, I observe my Dom’s reaction to that increase and see how he responds. If the response is something that takes my physical and mental state into account and responds suitably (perhaps with a check in) then he has “passed”. If not, then we have a discussion about it and try to improve (improvement may require changes on both ends - I may need to communicate more clearly for example).
-
As mentioned by others, I agree that watching for red flags and tests are a normal part of the vetting process and people should expect some wariness at the beginning of a new relationship/dynamic. Submission and trust are a process, and at the early stages at least I think it’s good to follow the trust but verify rule of thumb. Once you are comfortable, then the deeper layers of submission can flourish and hopefully the Dominant will take pride in that progress!
-
Anyways, just my two cents. And great topic!

January 10

9 minutes ago, inconceivable said:

I think I made a comment based on my opinions and knowledge. One sentence. For that you feel I deserve a "telling off" as though I'm a small child. The author (whom you apparently don't know either) called me a bitch as she seems unable to cope with any hint of criticism.

She wasn't asking for criticism. She was asking for support, which you decided not to do.

January 10

5 minutes ago, WyldKatt said:

I guess when it comes to red flags and testing for safety I try to observe with intent and look for patterns in behaviour rather than set up tests.
-
For example, if we are in a session and the level of *** increases and I communicate that level of *** through words, sounds, or actions, I observe my Dom’s reaction to that increase and see how he responds. If the response is something that takes my physical and mental state into account and responds suitably (perhaps with a check in) then he has “passed”. If not, then we have a discussion about it and try to improve (improvement may require changes on both ends - I may need to communicate more clearly for example).
-
As mentioned by others, I agree that watching for red flags and tests are a normal part of the vetting process and people should expect some wariness at the beginning of a new relationship/dynamic. Submission and trust are a process, and at the early stages at least I think it’s good to follow the trust but verify rule of thumb. Once you are comfortable, then the deeper layers of submission can flourish and hopefully the Dominant will take pride in that progress!
-
Anyways, just my two cents. And great topic!

Thank you so much for weighing in. I would love to hear more about the patterns.

January 10

2 minutes ago, Gentle_RaveDaddy said:

She wasn't asking for criticism. She was asking for support, which you decided not to do.

Asking for a conversation. I think agendas and views are part of conversation. Have a good day.

January 10

Not specific to any kind of "dynamic". If there is a genuine red flag, don't test... walk. He may just sc*** through the test (or you may want to believe he did) but an ***r now has a weapon to use against you: you didn't trust or love him enough, so now you have poisoned the relationship and every bad thing that comes after will be your fault.

This advice comes from experience. Do not try to persuade yourself it'll all work out.

Personally, I would see your wish to "test" as a red flag, and if I were him, I would leave.

January 10

1 hour ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

You have every right to test a dominant. A submissive. A friend a partner. Anyone.

You are human.

You're trauma does indeed mean you can safe guard yourself and identify or rule out any red flags.

You do not need to have a place of authority over anyone.

What utter shit.

At the end of the day, a submissive holds all the power. Not the dominant. They can oversee the dynamic and safety etc but the subs word is the last.

If you need to see about saying a safe word, to see a dominants reaction or lack thereof, then you do so.

You can get reassurance if you need it.

There are ofc levels of tests.

Maybe test within a dynamic ask them something they've spoke about before see if they're consistent, or your safeword for a stop.

Don't try to test by like honey traps or things that are way too far.

It's part of the vetting process, and usually only needed at the beginning of a dynamic or interaction.

Yes trust may be slow at the start but sometimes little tests will help you be certain this person is for you.

Most likely your partner will set little test exercises for you also.

A genuine partner and person will not mind you vetting and testing them, people with soemthing to hide will.

If it suits you, helps you find trust, and reassurance, then You keep doing what works for you.

Don't let anyone on any high self proclaimed throne tell you that testing someone is not something you're entitled to do or that you have 0 authority in your own dynamic.

Do not let anyone tell you that you sound untrusting and uncapable blah blah.

If you are kept safe via these measures, as much as the next person then great.

If someone goes into a new dynamic and has 0 flags via trauma or otherwise, and never feels the need to test someone for any reason, then good for you. But don't belittle those who maybe do.

Louder for the people in the back

January 10

12 minutes ago, WyldKatt said:

I guess when it comes to red flags and testing for safety I try to observe with intent and look for patterns in behaviour rather than set up tests.
-
For example, if we are in a session and the level of *** increases and I communicate that level of *** through words, sounds, or actions, I observe my Dom’s reaction to that increase and see how he responds. If the response is something that takes my physical and mental state into account and responds suitably (perhaps with a check in) then he has “passed”. If not, then we have a discussion about it and try to improve (improvement may require changes on both ends - I may need to communicate more clearly for example).
-
As mentioned by others, I agree that watching for red flags and tests are a normal part of the vetting process and people should expect some wariness at the beginning of a new relationship/dynamic. Submission and trust are a process, and at the early stages at least I think it’s good to follow the trust but verify rule of thumb. Once you are comfortable, then the deeper layers of submission can flourish and hopefully the Dominant will take pride in that progress!
-
Anyways, just my two cents. And great topic!

I guess what I do could be called testing, but I would consider it along the lines of conducting a class. If someone, whether it be a dom or sub, wants to get into paddling, we would follow a list:

1. First, discuss the positive and negative impacts of padding.
2. Figure out which fabric/materials both people are sensitive to.
3. Balance and weight.
4. Train Ds on positioning and how to alternate different positions on a subs body, so they aren't striking the same place too often.
5. Inform the S/Ds they need to take things slow and step-by-step first work on:

A. Speed
B. Strength
C. How much *** the partner can take.
D. How many hits are in one place

6. Figure out what is considered the sweet spot ( enough *** that causes pleasure, but not enough with cause emotional, mental, or physical stress)

Quite a lot of ppl just want to dive into the fun, but forget that theirs a human on each side and the cause/effect of the fun.

Calling the Female Submissives to Weigh In

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