Calling the Female Submissives to Weigh In

[Fa****]

21 minutes ago, Gentle_RaveDaddy said:

Example: someone I recently helped had prey, masochist, and pet as their bdsm roles. I explained in full detail what each role was and not of them were what they thought they were. Then, I had them retake the test with a set of directions, and all of the results were different from the first time they took the test. I explained in detail what each archetype was, their soft limits, and hard no. After I explained everything, they informed me that what I explained was definitely more them. I feel like that's a win for them.

But all of that information is openly available on the site or a Google search. It doesn’t need to be offered to someone without them requesting that information - it smacks of “I’m better and I know more”. Further (and I’m sure it’s just the wording but in case it isn’t) giving them your directions on how to retake the “test” and garnering different results due to this is somewhat weird possibly even creepy. It could be seen that you’re EFFECTIVELY grooming someone. As I said, I’m sure that’s not the case but please be careful with your wording. 

[Ve****]

2 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

But all of that information is openly available on the site or a Google search. It doesn’t need to be offered to someone without them requesting that information - it smacks of “I’m better and I know more”. Further (and I’m sure it’s just the wording but in case it isn’t) giving them your directions on how to retake the “test” and garnering different results due to this is somewhat weird possibly even creepy. It could be seen that you’re EFFECTIVELY grooming someone. As I said, I’m sure that’s not the case but please be careful with your wording. 

They have removed themselves from the conversation. I appreciate your comments in the topic. Let us carry on. I wonder what will come up next. 🤪

[Je****]

9 minutes ago, Velicious said:

Deception not devotion

I will actually say one last thing on the matter. And WHY I decided to challenge them.

 

Yes my gut instinct was flagged due to this post and the fact he was in my dms about the settings of this site. That's what did it for me. This person reached out to me, not vice versa.

 

So for example. I am new here, fresh and clueless on bdsm and dynamics, whatever you wanna call it. I am exploring about on here, and I haven't really any clue on what this site does or how to use it.

This guy comes into my inbox, after seeing something on my profile, not necessarily looking for help, or perhaps it does.

He messages me, offers me help, and tells me how to use the site. What features to fill out, what to click on and how to operate it in general.

This has already been genuinely helpful. BUT... he now has me in a false sense of security. He is helping me navigate the site, leading me to believe he is in some way a part of it and the support team. Why wouldn't I think this? 

I feel like he's someone who has helped and may continue to do so, and therefore I start confiding in him. "What does it mean if someone says xyz? What does this stand for? What behaviours and habits are bad and wrong?" 

He is in a position of power, being so new and not knowing any different. I will believe what he says, and take note of HIS version of flags. Flags that yes could be genuine, but also to steer me away from potentials and stay in his favour. Stay where he wants me, he can monitor me this way. What I am doing on here and so on.

Say I really like someone and he tells me they things this person does or says aren't ok, or safe or he's fake. I leave disappointed. The cycle continues. 

One day I choose to not take his advice. What if he blocked me? What if he got angry with me? What if he sabotaged my opportunity? 

What may be a flag for him, may not be for me. I could be attracted to someone who's into ***y play for example. He could tell me it's wrong and dangerous etc, even though it intrigues me but I could second guess myself due to his help and guidance previously.

There is also a chance he is genuine, and does help people and moves on. But to use the way the site works, feels almost like a false assertion of association with the site, which can be used to his advantage. If something goes wrong people will blame the site. Or a mod, or admin thinking he is part of that team?

 

Point is, help and guide your friends, sure. Potential partners. As yourself. Do not try and assert a knowledge of a site you've been using mere months, and across the world of which you don't even know the people. You cannot determine who is and isn't a fake dominant, and even if you can, it's not your place. It is up to each person to own their own mistakes, learn their own lessons, listen to their own gut, identify flags and personal responsibility. 

I am rambling now but I feel so cross on having to even explain the process of safety online. Do not trust people who lure you in via trustful help where they don't belong. Sigh.

[Je****]

3 minutes ago, Velicious said:

They have removed themselves from the conversation. I appreciate your comments in the topic. Let us carry on. I wonder what will come up next. 🤪

Sorry I have just seen this but my comment is to people in general. 

[Ve****]

5 minutes ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

Sorry I have just seen this but my comment is to people in general. 

It’s helpful. God, I hope this is helping someone

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, FatefulDestiny said:

My comment re relevance was pertaining to you thinking the OP “tops from the bottom” (a bl**dy awful phrase at the best of times). Your comment in this regard was not relevant to the OP’s post and ergo unnecessary as it brought nothing to the conversation. If, by reading the OP you believe that they top from the bottom then I would suggest you possibly don’t understand the meaning of the phrase - I could be wrong, however  there is nothing in what was written that suggests this is the case.

I don’t feel we need to discuss this further as it is de-railing the actual purpose of the post.

Additionally, the OP was not calling you a b*tch per se. It’s more of a “phrase” (I can’t quite think of the right words at this moment in time) - not necessarily directed at one individual. 

I agree it's derailing if we keep arguing points .👍🏻

[De****]

3 hours ago, Velicious said:

You’re right. Wanting to test is a red flag. Next time I may not need to test. But this time I wanted to be sure I was not projecting my past. And your advice is sound. Anything we can do to protect ourselves from ***rs, especially if you are empathic, is good but nothing beats running away and staying away. Other red flags for me have been:
noticing that he always says the right thing
noticing that he contradicts things he has said
Beginning to have nightmares
Periods of being absent
Having a panic attack during sex
Hiding his phone
Protecting his phone
Refusing to let me see his phone

What red flags have you experienced?

Ah, I could talk about red flags, but there was nothing specific to kink. All stuff that run-of-the-mill nasties do, that you can read on any problem page. Oh yeah, actually... toys. "Now you've asked to use that, I feel like I'm not enough for you". Me, ruining the moment and making poor him feel inadequate.

I did want to pick up on something Jeneral Whore said, though. You could easily test if he stops for a safe word - I cannot imagine the bloke I'm thinking of not respecting a safe word, because that would make him the bad guy, and that could never happen. Classic, now I look back on it 🤣 I could well imagine him guilt tripping me with it, though. Why did you say that, I was about to stop anyway, you don't trust me. I was only doing what you asked me to do, you've made me hurt you, and now I feel bad. And so on. Not that that happened, but it would have been entirely in character, and if you're testing his response to a safe word, I'd say that's as important as "did he stop?".

[Ve****]

8 minutes ago, Devon286 said:

Ah, I could talk about red flags, but there was nothing specific to kink. All stuff that run-of-the-mill nasties do, that you can read on any problem page. Oh yeah, actually... toys. "Now you've asked to use that, I feel like I'm not enough for you". Me, ruining the moment and making poor him feel inadequate.

I did want to pick up on something Jeneral Whore said, though. You could easily test if he stops for a safe word - I cannot imagine the bloke I'm thinking of not respecting a safe word, because that would make him the bad guy, and that could never happen. Classic, now I look back on it 🤣 I could well imagine him guilt tripping me with it, though. Why did you say that, I was about to stop anyway, you don't trust me. I was only doing what you asked me to do, you've made me hurt you, and now I feel bad. And so on. Not that that happened, but it would have been entirely in character, and if you're testing his response to a safe word, I'd say that's as important as "did he stop?".

Do you want to know what my test was? It’s going to stir up a bunch of stuff if I share!

[De****]

24 minutes ago, Velicious said:

Do you want to know what my test was? It’s going to stir up a bunch of stuff if I share!

Um... don't want to stir the pot, if you feel like sharing you could always DM me...

[Fa****]

I wish there was a way on this site to have a list of names of concern. A closed group that you need to be vetted/verified before you can join it and see the names. No accusations, no information other than the screen name and people could then contact the person who identified the person of concern and request pertinent info. I’ve seen this work well on another site and it doesn’t breach any of their TOU. 

[Je****]

To clarify. I am not upset. I am not annoyed or offended or saddened. 

I was simply asking questions publicly as the nature of certain comments were of a guide nature, not malice, but still flaggy nonetheless. 

I hold nothing against the fella, (he's since unblocked me) all I want is to have had a discussion  and learned a few things, while also provoking some thoughts.

 

 

What I do NOT appreciate is this man going out of his way to message my partner about me and my comments. Who was not part of this thread, or anything to do with it.

Please keep responses on here and out of third party inboxes 🙃 Thank you.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, FatefulDestiny said:

I wish there was a way on this site to have a list of names of concern. A closed group that you need to be vetted/verified before you can join it and see the names. No accusations, no information other than the screen name and people could then contact the person who identified the person of concern and request pertinent info. I’ve seen this work well on another site and it doesn’t breach any of their TOU. 

Maybe mods have another solution but I would like some sort of "flagged list". I've seen people here who are flagged on FL. But unable to do anything.

[CopperKnob]

2 hours ago, FatefulDestiny said:

I wish there was a way on this site to have a list of names of concern. A closed group that you need to be vetted/verified before you can join it and see the names. No accusations, no information other than the screen name and people could then contact the person who identified the person of concern and request pertinent info. I’ve seen this work well on another site and it doesn’t breach any of their TOU. 

This would have saved me a whole load of hassle when I was new here/to online.

The info was available on FL but the sites too large and I wouldn't have know where to look. Members here were aware of him which makes it a harder pill to swallow.

To answer the OP, yes, I do trust my body to tell me when things aren't right. I didn't, my heart always led me astray. It was a hard lesson but I think it comes down to confidence, being able to trust yourself first and having the right support network around you. All the things the newbies don't have (also disregard my username, I'm a lady. Promise! 😉)

[Fa****]

11 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

This would have saved me a whole load of hassle when I was new here/to online.

The info was available on FL but the sites too large and I wouldn't have know where to look. Members here were aware of him which makes it a harder pill to swallow.

To answer the OP, yes, I do trust my body to tell me when things aren't right. I didn't, my heart always led me astray. It was a hard lesson but I think it comes down to confidence, being able to trust yourself first and having the right support network around you. All the things the newbies don't have (also disregard my username, I'm a lady. Promise! 😉)

A lady?! 😝

i didn’t know this CK - sorry xx

 support networks are definitely invaluable though xx

[4R****]

2 hours ago, FatefulDestiny said:

I wish there was a way on this site to have a list of names of concern. A closed group that you need to be vetted/verified before you can join it and see the names. No accusations, no information other than the screen name and people could then contact the person who identified the person of concern and request pertinent info. I’ve seen this work well on another site and it doesn’t breach any of their TOU. 

That would breach the sites TOU and whilst you might have seen it work well elsewhere, I’ve seen the ramifications of a vexatious claim from a disgruntled ex which has resulted in many a good and trustworthy person having their reputation damaged. Whilst the intentions may be good, the execution always ends in carnage!

[CopperKnob]

3 minutes ago, 4RCH said:

That would breach the sites TOU and whilst you might have seen it work well elsewhere, I’ve seen the ramifications of a vexatious claim from a disgruntled ex which has resulted in many a good and trustworthy person having their reputation damaged. Whilst the intentions may be good, the execution always ends in carnage!

Definitely a double edged sword

[CopperKnob]

5 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

A lady?! 😝

i didn’t know this CK - sorry xx

 support networks are definitely invaluable though xx

I just checked....a lady I am!!😂

[Ve****]

5 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

A lady?! 😝

i didn’t know this CK - sorry xx

 support networks are definitely invaluable though xx

I like this idea, too.

[4R****]

8 hours ago, Velicious said:

While , I appreciate your positive responses in this thread I would like to point out to you that I addressed it specifically to females. I did that for a reason. You may be gentle and empathetic and understanding about issues that females deal with, you don’t have the same understanding. And I seek to appeal to that inherently, female wisdom here. We need each other. Especially in this space so dominated by men. There are plenty of opportunities further you to share and guide. I’m asking you to not do it here.

This is an inclusive community and whilst you may have addressed your post to women, you can’t complain if men respond. 

[4R****]

2 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I just checked....a lady I am!!😂

I would NEVER accuse you of being a “lady”…… Happy New Year CK x

[CopperKnob]

11 minutes ago, 4RCH said:

I would NEVER accuse you of being a “lady”…… Happy New Year CK x

🫨

Happy new year 4RCHy you absolute 'gent'

[Ve****]

25 minutes ago, 4RCH said:

This is an inclusive community and whilst you may have addressed your post to women, you can’t complain if men respond. 

Yes, understood. As is the light it will ***t you in for insisting on being in a space that was intended for females. You are always free to go create your own space, for your own topic, for your own intended audience. Females need their own spaces sometimes.

[FETMOD-BD]

15 minutes ago, Velicious said:

Yes, understood. As is the light it will ***t you in for insisting on being in a space that was intended for females. You are always free to go create your own space, for your own topic, for your own intended audience. Females need their own spaces sometimes.

Actually, @4RCH is absolutely correct. It will not ***t him in any negative light. We do NOT allow division or exclusion on this site based on gender or any other protected characteristic. EVERYONE is welcome to comment on any thread as per our Community Standards.
 

We do recognise this needs to be a safe place for females and so we invite all members to report any inappropriate behaviour and this will be dealt with. 

[4R****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

🫨

Happy new year 4RCHy you absolute 'gent'

Awww you say the sweetest things. Missed ya! Anyway better let the thread get back on track or I’ll be getting a warning off the mods. Some interesting viewpoints on here so far.

[Fa****]

9 hours ago, 4RCH said:

That would breach the sites TOU and whilst you might have seen it work well elsewhere, I’ve seen the ramifications of a vexatious claim from a disgruntled ex which has resulted in many a good and trustworthy person having their reputation damaged. Whilst the intentions may be good, the execution always ends in carnage!

I’ve been on the receiving end of such thing and had my words/actions taken out of context and used against me so I completely appreciate what you’re saying. I still like the idea in theory though.