The Paradox of searching for compatible play partners

[jo****]

Does anyone else feel like kink is inherently sexual, and therefore too personal a subject to really broach before you really know someone intimately? But then how can you know if a relationship is going to be sexually fulfilling when kink is important to you?

I feel like if I want to find someone I can trust enough for a d/s relationship I need to start with getting to know them personally outside of a kink context first, but if I know someone out of a kink context and they don't strike me as kinky, I really can't broach the subject.

On the other hand if I approach dating from the kinky side first, I never seem to find anyone trustworthy, stable, mature, well adjusted, and everything else I want in a relationship.

How do you handle this kind of paradox?Paradox? Do you try to separate kink and intimacy?

[Du****]

I would say you’re in the right place: a kink site ought to be the best place for us to feel comfortable with that side of us being ‘built in’, so we can focus on finding someone who’s compatible in other ways and go from there. My profile, for example, is carefully written to make my preferences clear, and it states that I really *don’t* want to start with any explicit conversation - there’s no need, we can get to that later if we decide we like each other.

Unfortunately, maybe 5% of men respect that, and instead they introduce themselves by asking to cum on my feet, or perform oral on me, or for me to defecate on them (or in them, somehow, I tend not to read the finer detail).

Either approach *is* acceptable on a kink site, but the latter (that is, just so we’re clear, describing explicily sexual acts involving the recipient) *requires consent*. Merely being active on a kink site is NOT implicit consent. Personally, I’m of your mind and I don’t want it - not without at least some kind of conversation and getting acquainted. But, once both parties are open to intimate exchanges, off you go. I hope you have fun.

[By****]

Kink =\= sex
Kink can be completely platonic. Play doesn’t have to involve any form of sexual undertone at all. I think that’s where the issue is here; sex is being thrown on the board immediately.

There is so much more depth to kink than a spicier sex life. Exploring vulnerability, headspace, empowerment, growth, and connection to name a few. Kink can be a catalyst for a great many things and, yes, sex is one of them. So, the reason you may struggle some on finding a partner is that you’re too focused on one part of kink.

[ge****]

I get the dilemma OP though tend to view it a slightly different way. I'm open to a relationship with someone and having someone in my life to spend time with - but it comes down to whether I can compromise kink to find that, or whether I'd be satisfied with a vanilla only relationship.
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Ultimately I'm not sure I can compromise kink, so tend not to look at more traditional means of meeting people, for all the reasons you've expressed which add complexity to the whole process and a danger of the compromise being ***d on you.
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Of course that means I limit my chances of finding that someone because I have to use sites like this and munches/events as the only means of finding someone - but I accept that as the compromise to my unwillingness to compromise kink.
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Sure kink isn't everything, and I'm not sure I'd want a relationship that was 24/7 kink anyway, but I also wouldn't want one that was totally devoid of it either.

[Mr****]

I've been married almost 25 years to a woman I love, and though she's indulged my idiosyncrasies almost from the beginning, it's never been her "thing," at least not to the degree it is mine. I can't remember when it was brought up, but early enough that we weren't living together yet, but we were definitely "going steady" (is that term still used? I dunno I'm old now). I do remember thinking "she may run for the hills" but fortunately she didn't, and actually enjoyed the milder aspects.

Before we met I had a few ONS and a couple kinky flings, but have never had a full-on D/s relationship. Over the years, aside from occasional mild play which she likes to call "a little slap and tickle", my outlet has frankly been self-play and the internet.

Over the years I pondered what would be if I started with kink from the beginning with someone, would I be happier, or happy at all? You can make yourself nuts with all the what-ifs in life, but this is who I fell in love with and in the end I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

A few years ago, she suggested that I find other kinky folks with whom to play. We spent many an hour talking about what that meant, setting our own boundaries with each other, and being clear that whatever and whomever I find, it remain superficial enough that nothing could screw up our life together. In her words "do what you want, but no pillow talk, and nobody we know."

Aside from the fact that I apparently haven't gotten any better at dating or meeting people (I'm still amazed I ever snagged her), so far so good. Granted, everyone is different and those who want/need and have the mental and emotional energy to maintain a 24/7 lifestyle or relationship that may not work. But, in every life and journey, there are always ... possibilities.

[CopperKnob]

All aspects of kink are intimate for me. They all require a deep connection. Kink for me is the 'add on' rather than the core of any relationship.
It's why I'll never do ONS's or play partners. It personally means much more than that.
Does that mean that it'll take longer to find someone, yep. Does it bother me, nope, not one bit. It can be frustrating (I think there was a recent post suggesting someone had been looking for a year, that's nothing, try three 🤣)
Any relationship needs it's roots, in D/s that becomes even truer.

[ge****]

9 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

All aspects of kink are intimate for me. They all require a deep connection. Kink for me is the 'add on' rather than the core of any relationship.
It's why I'll never do ONS's or play partners. It personally means much more than that.
Does that mean that it'll take longer to find someone, yep. Does it bother me, nope, not one bit. It can be frustrating (I think there was a recent post suggesting someone had been looking for a year, that's nothing, try three 🤣)
Any relationship needs it's roots, in D/s that becomes even truer.

Pay.....three? That's nanoseconds....try almost 30 years and counting - yeah there have been dalliances in that time but nothing concrete and lasting - but yeah totally with you on the need for connection and it to have meaning.
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Unlike you I can "play" but even then there needs to be some level of "something" there

[CopperKnob]

7 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Pay.....three? That's nanoseconds....try almost 30 years and counting - yeah there have been dalliances in that time but nothing concrete and lasting - but yeah totally with you on the need for connection and it to have meaning.
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Unlike you I can "play" but even then there needs to be some level of "something" there

I mean, I read the one and was like, 👀🤣
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Agreed, without the je ne said quoi its a bit..."oh, you're hitting me with the paddle? Yeah it is a bit red. OK, carry on" 🙄
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And now I'm paying for my singledom am I???? 😂

[ge****]

58 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I mean, I read the one and was like, 👀🤣
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Agreed, without the je ne said quoi its a bit..."oh, you're hitting me with the paddle? Yeah it is a bit red. OK, carry on" 🙄
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And now I'm paying for my singledom am I???? 😂

***y autocarrot - twice I changed that to "pah" and yet it still sent pay!!

[Deleted Member]

Definitely a paradox and I e thought about this a lot!! However, for me I decided to start with the kink side first. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they adhere to your physical and non physical boundaries. Do they listen to what you enjoy or are they physically selfish? For me, it’s easier to do this part first and then be on my way if the personal/intimate side is a flop. If I start out with feelings and intimacy I’m more likely to make an exception on the kink side and it’s harder to cut that person loose because I’ve invested in them emotionally. Either way, I need some type of spark or connection first— especially on here. If someone hasn’t reeled me in or intrigues me after 3 messages, I let them know I’m not feeling it and I move on. I NEVER ghost someone — so rude. Sometimes the lack of respect for my boundaries comes through loud and clear in chats. I use a three strikes and you’re out rule here.
1. Boundary is crossed knowingly or unknowingly. I say something.
2. Happens again — I remind them I’m not accepting it and I’d that’s what they enjoy we can end our convo
3. Happens again—I send a no thanks message and block them.

Similarly, I am drawn to the effort put into an introduction. Rarely, will I engage with someone who just send a “hello” unless something in their profile as interested me.

[jo****]

2 hours ago, Leena-6912 said:

Definitely a paradox and I e thought about this a lot!! However, for me I decided to start with the kink side first. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they adhere to your physical and non physical boundaries. Do they listen to what you enjoy or are they physically selfish? For me, it’s easier to do this part first and then be on my way if the personal/intimate side is a flop. If I start out with feelings and intimacy I’m more likely to make an exception on the kink side and it’s harder to cut that person loose because I’ve invested in them emotionally. Either way, I need some type of spark or connection first— especially on here. If someone hasn’t reeled me in or intrigues me after 3 messages, I let them know I’m not feeling it and I move on. I NEVER ghost someone — so rude. Sometimes the lack of respect for my boundaries comes through loud and clear in chats. I use a three strikes and you’re out rule here.
1. Boundary is crossed knowingly or unknowingly. I say something.
2. Happens again — I remind them I’m not accepting it and I’d that’s what they enjoy we can end our convo
3. Happens again—I send a no thanks message and block them.

Similarly, I am drawn to the effort put into an introduction. Rarely, will I engage with someone who just send a “hello” unless something in their profile as interested me.

I can definitely relate to the emotional investment being a barrier to moving on. There's a definite worry that I'll get "stuck" in a long term relationship with someone who doesn't work for me.

[jo****]

6 hours ago, A_Brit_Kinky said:

Kink =\= sex
Kink can be completely platonic. Play doesn’t have to involve any form of sexual undertone at all. I think that’s where the issue is here; sex is being thrown on the board immediately.

There is so much more depth to kink than a spicier sex life. Exploring vulnerability, headspace, empowerment, growth, and connection to name a few. Kink can be a catalyst for a great many things and, yes, sex is one of them. So, the reason you may struggle some on finding a partner is that you’re too focused on one part of kink.

It's different for everyone. For me, I just can't separate the sexual aspect out and still enjoy kink because the sort of feelings and arousal it sparks are inappropriate outside of an intimate context.

[Unconventinal_me]

I don’t feel it’s too personal. I feel that here in the US we are conditioned to feel that way because sex is treated as much more of a taboo subject here. The more you break out of that sort of conditioning the less you will feel the way you do.

[Deleted Member]

From the state of my inboxes, nah... dudes are busting in like kool-aid man wanting to 'do a kink" as complete strangers. Can't even put a few interesting lines on their profiles, cannot start or maintain a conversation to save their lives. Straight to sex from the first sentence, and at least half of them have no idea what kink and fetishes really are.

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, arcticdoll said:

From the state of my inboxes, nah... dudes are busting in like kool-aid man wanting to 'do a kink" as complete strangers. Can't even put a few interesting lines on their profiles, cannot start or maintain a conversation to save their lives. Straight to sex from the first sentence, and at least half of them have no idea what kink and fetishes really are.

Lol “like the kool-aid man”—I’m cracking up right now!

[MassaKING]

It's true that many here are just shallow and one track minded but also consider that with some it is not they want to bust straight into their kink however wish to waste no time with those they not compatible with.

[ey****]

if you approach people with a dating/getting-to-know-you/compatability-outside-kink basis ... but within a kink circle (here, munches/events, other similar sites) then there's at least a better chance of kinks aligning long term

[Jaguar54]

Speaking as one who got it wrong first time around (I put kink on the back burner as highly improbable - back then I thought I was the only one with my kink!), I had a wonderful wife for 46 years, but the kink wouldn't stay on the back burner, it just kept on coming. Fortunately we were able to navigate our way around it.

Starting again from scratch, as I am now, kink has to come front and centre. So out of the pool of kinky people I must try to find a new partner who is compatible in everyday stuff. It's a tough ask. Location, age, kink, and yes general looks have to play a part too. All those stars have to align, and now add in personal style, living habits, cleanliness, desires for the future, kids, housing, food preferences and a 101 others things that make living with someone easy or impossible.

And yes, I am guilty of pitching straight into the sexual compatibility stuff way too soon. Guilty as charged, and no doubt I will have blown my chances with a dozen girls already. I will have to give myself a stern talking to when next an opportunity arises.

[Undersated]

If you list something as an interest on your profile, I feel you should be comfortable talking about it. That's not the same as helping others vicariously - and without consent - engage in it, though. On a site like this one, I prefer to have small talk lead to talk about non-kink interests, and then if there's rapport and consent talk more about kink. For me it's not because kink is inherently sexual, but because the details of it are deeply personal.

I look at it this way: I know the people here are kinky, so I don't have to worry about that first. Instead I can try to build a normal relationship, knowing that if the relationship is there, the kink will be, too.

[Deleted Member]

I have 2 failed marriages due to thus. Recently I have been more open and drop hints. If they shy away it is better for me.